Dear Sybersue,
My boyfriend is always too busy with something and has constant plans that don’t include me. We don’t live together but he has promised me we will look for a place together before the 2 year mark of our relationship. He is loving whenever we’re together and the sex is great when we finally do have some time as a couple. The problem is after being in an exclusive relationship with me for just over a year he is still acting like he is single by making his needs the priority all the time. I realize now that I was very accommodating with all of this in the early stages, so that I didn’t scare him off coming across like “the needy girlfriend.” He has taken it to a whole new level and doesn’t even ask me if it’s OK that he is going away for another weekend with the guys. (Just so you know he goes away 2-3 weekends out of every month!) When he is at home he is exhausted from the weekend and we seldom do much together as a couple other than watch TV or go to a movie.
I have expressed concern over this telling him that his last minute plans are not respecting my time at all! He just says how much he loves me and that it won’t be forever, but he enjoys his adventures with his buddies. He goes everywhere from Las Vegas, to fishing trips and cabin getaways with all his guy friends who are mostly unattached. He is 37 years old and I would have thought he would be past this stage of his life by now. I’m really getting fed up sitting around waiting for him so that he can have the best of both worlds and I get the dregs of what he has left to give me.
What should I do and why is he even with me?
Tired of being #2
Dear #2,
The reason he is with you is because you make it easy for him to have both of these worlds. I am sure he does love you but he really isn’t ready to be in a mature committed relationship. The real question here is to ask yourself; why are you with him? What is it that keeps you there? You call yourself #2 which is not a good place to be and I am sure it hurts every day knowing that you are not the first priority. You didn’t say what you do while he is away on these continual weekend treks but I hope you are not just hanging around at home waiting for his return!
It sounds like he gives you just enough to keep you from leaving the relationship. He dangles the carrot so to speak. The first thing you have to do is understand that you deserve more than what he is giving you right now. Saying he will be ready to move in by your 2 year anniversary is just a pacifier to keep you there and believing that you have a future together. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too, which keeps you at the bottom of the priority list all the time.
You need to tell him you are not happy with this arrangement and that if he is not ready to act like a partner then you are ready to move on. It may come across as an Ultimatum but you are just asking him to be honest. If he doesn’t want to alter his lifestyle to make you #1 then you know your answer. In the meantime start living your life for you and make plans to do things with friends or go a vacation to an all inclusive resort and let your hair down. When someone is too BUSY to make time for you then you don’t need a bigger red flag warning in front of you. When are you ever too busy to be with someone you are crazy about? You can’t wait to see them! BUSY is a nasty 4 letter word that shouldn’t ever be used in your relationship. Quite often just spelling it out to your partner can make them realize how selfish they have been and sometimes things can turn around in the relationship if they feel like they will really lose you. You will only know the answer to this if you bring it to the forefront for discussion ~ don’t let it go on any longer.
Let me know how it goes. <3
Sybersue
