My boyfriend is always too busy with something and has constant plans that don’t include me.
Dear Sybersue,
My boyfriend is always too busy with something and has constant plans that don’t include me. We don’t live together. However, he has promised me that we will look for a place together before the 2 year mark of our relationship. He is affectionate whenever we’re together. The sex is great when we finally do have some time as a couple. The problem is after being in an exclusive relationship with me for just over a year, he still acts like he is single. He makes his needs a priority all the time.
I realize now that I was very accommodating with all of this in the early stages. I didn’t want to scare him off by coming across like “the needy girlfriend.” He has taken it to a whole new level. He doesn’t even ask me if it’s OK that he is going away for another weekend with the guys. (Just so you know, he goes away 2-3 weekends out of every month!) When he is at home, he is exhausted from the weekend. We seldom do much together as a couple other than watch TV or go to a movie.
I have expressed concern over this, telling him that his last-minute plans are not respecting my time at all! He just says how much he loves me. He promises that it won’t be forever. However, he enjoys his adventures with his buddies. He travels everywhere with his guy friends. They go to places like Las Vegas and fishing trips. They also enjoy cabin getaways. Most of his friends are unattached.
He is 37 years old. I would have thought he would be past this stage of his life by now. I’m really getting fed up sitting around waiting for him. He gets the best of both worlds, and I receive the dregs of what he has left to give me.
What should I do, and why is he even with me?
Tired of being #2
Dear #2,
The reason he is with you is that you make it easy for him to have both of these worlds. I am sure he does love you, but he really isn’t ready to be in a mature, committed relationship. The real question here is to ask yourself: why are you with him? What is it that keeps you there?
You call yourself #2, which is not a good place to be. I am sure it hurts every day knowing that you are not the first priority. You didn’t say what you do while he is away on these continual weekend treks. I hope you are not just hanging around at home waiting for his return!
It sounds like he gives you just enough to keep you from leaving the relationship. He dangles the carrot, so to speak. You need to realize you deserve more. He is not giving you what you need in a relationship right now. He says he will be ready to move in by your 2-year anniversary. This is just a pacifier. It is meant to keep you there and believing that you have a future together. You let him have his cake and eat it too. This keeps you at the bottom of the priority list all the time.
You need to have boundaries. Tell him you are not happy with this arrangement. If he is not ready to act like a partner, then you are ready to move on. It may come across as an Ultimatum, but you are just asking him to be honest. If he doesn’t want to alter his lifestyle to make you #1 then you know your answer.
In the meantime, start living your life for you. Make plans to do things with friends or go on a vacation to an all-inclusive resort. Let your hair down and have some fun. When someone is too BUSY to make time for you, this is a huge red flag warning. When are you ever too busy to be with someone you are crazy about? You can’t wait to see them! BUSY is a nasty 4-letter word that shouldn’t ever be a part of your relationship.
Sometimes, just spelling this out to your partner can make them realize how selfish they have been. Things can turn around in the relationship if they feel like they will really lose you. You will only know the answer to this if you bring it to the forefront for discussion. Don’t let it go on any longer, and don’t take a backseat in any partnership.
PLEASE let me know how it goes.
Sybersue XO
