Am I Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places?

Am I Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places?

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I am saddened by how many men and women complain about the difficulties they have enjoying a successful dating life.  Both sexes must learn how to open up and talk to each other without initial harsh judgment or sabotage due to their own subconscious insecurities.

Men & women need to make an effort to understand their gender differences and embrace them instead of finding fault with each other!

Not too long ago a friend of mine was publicly reprimanded by a male radio host for a blog she posted about being an Alpha Female. The guy who started this negative feedback regularly discusses women on his show in a derogatory way.

Why do we do this to each other and why are some men and women so damn angry?

People are just not meeting face to face as often and it is so easy to vent their frustration behind a computer rather than figure out why things aren’t working for them. The biggest change you can make is to get outside and talk to real people!

Hiding behind your dating profile doesn’t help you mingle or give you incentive that there are some really great men and women out there in your city! Listening to others complain online about their dating woes or never meeting anyone of substance can become negatively embedded into your mind.

The reason online dating apps and computer dating is so popular is because both men and women lack ideas or creativity on where to rendezvous when they want to meet a potential date.  It also has a lot to do with self-esteem and fear of rejection as well.

The most obvious choice for many is the bar & nightclub scene. This is “one night stand” territory no matter how you look at it. There will always be the exception of a few people who end up in a committed relationship with someone they meet in a club, but for the most part it is a short lived scenario.

Many people wake up the next day & seldom call the number they have in their coat pocket from the night before. (This is mainly due to too much alcohol & lack of confidence to make the phone call. Or they can’t remember the conversation or what they even look like!!)

Meeting in a lounge or a restaurant is a better environment to potentially meet someone but you have to be more confident to actually talk to them without the dance option available at night clubs.

Alcohol is a great relaxer for many women & it also gives men liquid courage to approach a woman. This is why the bar scene is a repetitive hangout for so many frustrated people. Unfortunately it is usually the same old story every weekend & everyone wakes up perturbed & lonely and the pattern continues.

Some of the situations to be aware of when meeting a potential partner:

  • If you are using online dating services be aware that some people are only really interested in a sexual relationship. Really pay attention to what their profile says & notice any red flags with their pictures. Photos really are worth a thousand words on most online dating sites and many people choose to ignore these obvious signs!
  • Don’t get caught up and blinded by a person’s status! These are men and women who only date or sleep with a certain high profile type. These people usually frequent the same establishments and word travels fast. Do you really want to be known as a groupie? (You may not even be aware that you have this reputation.)
  • Be aware of men & women who are looking for a sugar daddy/mama type lifestyle and will only date someone in this financial league. They are usually pretty easy to spot so keep your eyes open and observe. Body language is also a dead giveaway.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be the constant mistress! Married men will not come to you continually unless you are sending out vulnerable and available signals. You should never be OK being number 2 in a relationship.
  • People who only date the perfect & beautiful types.  Their physical standards are so high that everything else is overlooked in the relationship. Both sexes fall into this category.

External riches do not necessarily bring internal riches.

Finding true love should not be abusive or emotionally painful. Getting yourself stuck in a routine will close doors on other available options that could ultimately work for you.

If you classify yourself as a certain “type” or that you only like a certain type of person, you will be forever stuck in repetitive scenarios.  Fear can be a powerful relationship suppressor, so be cognizant of forming any patterns that keep you from having love in your life because you are afraid of what may or may not happen.

Challenge those internal demons as to why you don’t feel worthy of having love in your life.

If you don’t have the strength to get out of  reoccurring heart breaking situations, then start observing some of your friends who may be stronger than you and follow their lead. (Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to hire someone professionally for a short time.)

Change up your dating patterns & the venues so that you have a better chance of meeting someone of substance.  Everyone deserves love!

Some of the 10 best places to meet at least start up a good conversation:

  1. Golf driving range or at an Executive Par 3 course as less serious golfers will go there. (Unless of course you are a great player!)
  2. Tennis court (Use the back wall where other solo players will practice.)
  3. The gym (Be friendly & acknowledge people near you ~ Say hi & take off your headphones!) It really is the easiest place to strike up a conversation.
  4. Airport (Talk to people in the holding room or restaurants.)
  5. Hiking trails or a Beach/Park with high people traffic.
  6. Sporting venue (hockey game, baseball game, soccer match, golf spectator etc.)
  7. Any mingle social event or lounge  (Do not seat yourself in a booth; always stay open to the room.)
  8. Meet up groups (Check your local area for the numerous groups available or start one of your own! Thursday night pub night or something to that effect.)
  9. Take a course or join a group activity where there will be men and women attending who have similar interests as you. That way you already have something in common.
  10. Speed Dating & Online Dating sites/apps (Do your homework & find the best ones that work for you.) Don’t waste much time texting back and forth. If they don’t want to meet up sooner than later, move on.

The worst thing you can do is stay home and complain that you are not meeting anyone or that all men and women are messed up. There are some wonderful people who are just as ready as you are to be in a loving relationship.

Don’t become a non-believer and get stuck in a circle of negative thinking. If it ain’t working change it up!

You are in charge of you, so listen to your instincts and work out the kinks that may be causing you to sabotage love from entering your life. It’s totally your decision and no one else.

We have to stop pointing fingers at each other and be responsible for our own happiness. Being defensive will not bring you what you are looking for long term; it will keep repelling it away from you.

Be open & ready to receive a loving partnership into your life. ❤

Susan McCord @ Please Check Out My YouTube Channel for Videos on similar topics!    The Dear Sybersue Talk Show 

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Dear Sybersue ~ Why Do I Always Meet Manipulative Girls Who Treat Me Like Sh#t?

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Dear Sybersue,

I always seem to meet lying and manipulative girls who treat me like shit even though I’m a great guy.

Why is that?

I  recently gave the same girl 3 different chances to stop treating me like crap, yet she was soon back to her old ways. This has happened numerous times with other women I have dated. I don’t understand girls, why are they all like this?

Thanks for your feedback!

MN

Dear MN,

Not all women are like this, just the ones you are dating at the moment. I would be curious to see what these girls look like. You may be prioritizing the physical attraction & ignoring the red flags of their true character on the first few dates. When we are sexually drawn to someone we tend to let a lot of things slide in the beginning & overlook obvious warning signs.

Giving someone 3 chances “to be a good person” is too many.  They should be wonderful right from the start & treat you well or you need to walk away.

You are sending off some signal for these type of women to notice you & you may want to analyze that to some degree. I’m not sure how old you are but we do tend to deal with this scenario a lot more in our early twenties than any other time in our life. This is the experimental stage of life &  there can be lots of emotional scaring while we are learning about ourselves and what we truly want in our lives.

Attracting & choosing this type of woman can also stem from an abandonment issue, an unloving childhood situation or bad role models. (Or in many cases, no role models and little guidance in your youth.)

Talk to someone non-judgmental that you can really trust & confide in and maybe they can help you see a pattern that you have created. It is difficult to see these traits in ourselves but the sooner we know why we are repeatedly dating the wrong people is the day we can find real love and a happy relationship.

Having boundaries, believing you are worthy of love and always respecting yourself first, will eventually stop these girls from coming towards you.

Thanks for writing MN,

Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Dear Sybersue: Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?

Dear Sybersue: Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?

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Dear Sybersue;  Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?

I need to address something that really frustrates me.  I’m a 35 year old male and I have still not figured anything out yet when it comes to meeting the right woman!  Women are just strange creatures indeed; regardless of their age!

Younger women are on a long learning curve about life and I don’t want to spend my life teaching them everything. (They also have this sense of entitlement that drives me crazy! Where did they get these unrealistic expectations anyway?) Many women my own age seem to be on a ticking biological clock and are looking for a man to make babies with. Some of them don’t even care if there is a connection as long as there is a sperm donor. Sorry to be so crass but I’m not making this up!

Older women seem to have more regrets about what they did or didn’t do when they were younger and seem a little edgy or angry for the most part!  I’ve never dated an older woman (but I have spoken to many of them) so forgive me if my comment might offend you. I know I am generalizing with all of this but my guy friends agree with me for the most part.  All I know is that when it comes to a woman’s needs I bend over backwards until I break.  Some women say I try too hard and some say I don’t try hard enough. This is why they all seem so wierd to me! I can’t please any of them, any of the time. If I am too nice I am considered boring or pussy whipped and if I am more evasive and not so eager, I am an as$hole.

What do they really want?  If you ask me I think they are the ones who are confused & don’t know what they want or what is important to them! Talk about mixed signals! I know not all men are a great catch either but right now I am just trying to figure out my part in all this. It just seems everyone has become so shallow and quick to judge each other. I just want to be in a normal loving partnership that is reciprocated and healthy.

Is there such a thing or I am delusional hoping there could be?

Thanks, Tony 

Dear Tony,

I am not offended at all & I agree with much of your frustration for the most part. You are at the age where you are ready to make some major life decisions and it isn’t easy these days!  Men and women have changed and confusion has set in as to what both sexes want anymore! So many people seem to have a guarded attitude which just repels a potential date in the opposite direction. We all need to change our judgmental perceptive on each other to even have the slightest chance at finding love in our lives.

You asked what you can do to change your part in what isn’t working in your love life and there are a few things you can do to change your own attitude. You are in danger of becoming stuck in a negative and jaded place and you are probably in a dating pattern that you aren’t even aware of.  You may be attracted to a certain type of woman that doesn’t work for you. Many guys do not even realize that they keep going for the same shallowness because they are only choosing high maintenance women. They make her looks the priority without checking out the whole person. We are all visual creatures but we have be able to look beyond our pulsing loins to meet a quality partner.

Make a list & write down all the important things you really want in a woman & don’t stop reading it until you meet her.  Sometimes we don’t find what we really want because we are confused as to what that is. We spend a lot of time saying “we know what we don’t want” but seldom say out loud “we know what we want and what is important” to us.

You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards for anyone in a relationship as it should be a reciprocated partnership where you both do things for each other. There “is” such a thing as being too nice or too doting on someone which can be a turn off for some women. No one wants someone they can push around in the long run ~ they will end up losing respect for that person because they have too much control & not enough excitement or mystery.  Being predictable can become boring over the years together and it is healthy & fun to keep them guessing just a little.  I don’t mean continually playing games but just to change things up a bit so that it is refreshing when you see each other.

10 Things You Can Do to Change Up Your Dating Scenario:

  • In the first stages of meeting someone new, do not put out “all of you” right away.
  • Get to know them slowly & watch how they treat you & others around them.
  • Change up the type of women you date. Look outside your usual sandbox!
  • If there a sense of entitlement & expectations on their part, remove yourself early on.  Women who are takers are generally pretty obvious right from the start.
  • Be pleasant & respectful with the women you are dating but don’t try too hard! When it is right it has a natural feel to it.
  • Stop going to the same places to meet someone. Change up your surroundings.
  • Work on your attitude and don’t paint all women the same way by saying they are all weird. You are attracting them towards you for a reason so alter your thinking to attract the right one towards you.
  • The most important point in all of this is to know what “you” want, put it out there & believe she will show up in your life.

There is someone for everyone we just need to trust (& not ignore) our instincts, to allow the right one to come in.

Thanks for writing Tony, wishing you much love & happiness  always. 

 xo Sybersue ❤

Top 5 Free Dates Every Nice Guy Should Know  ( A Post by NiceGuyDating)

Top 5 Free Dates Every Nice Guy Should Know ( A Post by NiceGuyDating)

Top 5 Free Dates Every Nice Guy Should Know

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Recently, I received a question on Twitter:

“Where can you go on a date without paying?”

Blows my mind.  At this stage, I’m not even going to be nice about hiding my astonishment.  If I try really really really hard, I can put myself in my old shoes and think about where this idea that dates are about money comes from.

I can think about my own out-dated psychology about having a scarcity mindset and wanting to impress women.  Thinking that dates are about money, and that dates require impressing a woman, by means of taking her somewhere expensive.

I haven’t taken a woman on an expensive date who didn’t deserve it in over 3 years.

Most of my first dates are absolutely free, and if they cost anything it’s the price of tea or coffee at a local coffee shop.  Sometimes if the girl can’t meet until later in the evening, then we’ll grab drinks, but I’m still not spending any more than necessary.

Second dates can go up in price a bit depending on what we’re doing, but still not extravagant, which just makes sense.  We’re seeing each other a second time, so of course the investment goes up, but it doesn’t have to be a monetary investment.

Top 5 Free Dates Every Nice Guy Should Know

The point is not to show her that I’m amazing, the point is to find out if we both feel amazing together.

Dates are about connection.

The question isn’t, “where can you go on a date without paying?”, the question is, “how can I build a connection with this person?”

Now, the options open up, and the flood gates let loose.

There are three criterion for your date:

  1. Free
  2. Takes up at least an hour
  3. Builds connection

If it falls into those three categories, then you’re good to go.

Here are the top 5 best free dates every nice guy should know, just to get you started:

Going for a walk

Hands down, this is my first date.

I will meet her at a coffee shop and then immediately suggest we go for a walk.  If she declines, I decline the whole date.  If she accepts, then we go on our way.

Studies have shown that, blah blah blah.  You don’t care about studies, and neither do I.

Friends walk together, interrogations and job interviews happen across tables.

You don’t need a study to understand the truth of your own life.

Going for a walk ANYWHERE is free, takes up at least an hour, and builds a connection.

Read the rest of the article on SWExperts by clicking here.

nice guy datingKevin Alexander and I both write for theswexperts.com and are fellow Canadians. I live in Vancouver while Kevin resides in Edmonton Alberta. We both love what we do with our dating and relationship advice talk shows and are very passionate about it! Check out Kevin’s Podcasts on his website at Niceguydating!

I married a nice guy (the second time around) and I love it! Why do women want all the drama of a bad boy?  Kevin’s website tagline says “Where Nice Guys Finish First” and I happen to agree with him. They do! ❤

Check out My Dear Sybersue Youtube Talk Show to view over 300 videos!

The Anniversary of My Favorite Breakup of all Time! by The Single Diary Blogger Chelsea Pescitelli

The Anniversary of My Favorite Breakup of all Time! by The Single Diary Blogger Chelsea Pescitelli

OMG This chick makes me laugh! I love Chelsea and her wicked sense of humor. She is definitely an old soul in a young hot body! Chelsea and I met on Social Media sites through our dating & relationship blog content and then in person when we were both panel guests for Andrea Hill and her business Join the Dinner Party in Vancouver. I recently saw her again when we were guests with Paul Davidescu CEO of the Tangoo App on The Lynda Steele Radio show at CKNW also in Vancouver.

I just wanted to give a shout out to Chelsea from The Single Diary Blog and add one of her crazzzzy posts here on my Dear Sybersue Website. Here goes…Beware, she doesn’t sugarcoat anything! 😉

Chelsea Pescitelli

Chelsea Pescitelli

The Anniversary of my Favorite Breakup of all Time!

It was around this time two years ago that I found myself single with an excessively large bush. Some of you have heard the tale, others are super disturbed by that opening sentence- let me explain:

I dated what we will call a hippie/musician/asshole for several months and one of the things he requested I do during our relationship was grow a bush. My first question was why: Why would a young male prefer such an old school/natural grooming approach? I was instantly confused and a little thrown off but at the same time, I was dating and having sex with the guy. If that’s what turned him on well, why not? Less maintenance for me. Let me add that by the time our short romance came to an end, my bush hadn’t even reached lift off.

From the day we met to the day we broke up, his actions told me he was extremely interested in me. He was constantly asking me to hang out, he loved spending time with my parents (which became creepy) and he was a cheesy romantic. If a woman asked: how do you know if a guy is interested? I would basically describe this guys actions. So needless to say I was confused as fuck to learn that he felt we had “no sexual chemistry.”

We were having dinner at his place the day after my dog died when he dropped the no sexual chemistry bomb. I was drunk, I was angry and I had a few valid points:

To Keep Reading the rest of this go to this Link on her blog at The single Diary:   http://wp.me/p22l43-1p3

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People & How do I Change this Dating Pattern?

Dear Sybersue is a Funny & Informative Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Advice Talk Show for Men & Women of all Ages! Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord discusses The question: Why do I keep Attracting The Wrong People and How do I Change this Dating pattern?

How often do you hear people say how frustrated they are with trying to meet someone and that they have basically given up on the whole dating thing? It takes two people to be in a relationship and two people to make it work. This means that each person is responsible for “their part” in the whole process in the building of a future partnership.

It’s not always the other person’s fault when a relationship fizzles or has trouble getting past the first few dates; but most of us like to think it is, so we don’t have to take any ownership of another failed scenario. Some people really do not see or understand that they are in a repetitive pattern going around and round in circles. They just keep getting annoyed that things never work out for them in the love department. They start to make excuses about why things aren’t working and even become jaded in some cases. There are a lot of sad, hurt and lonely single men and women that could fix this situation if they just took the time to think about how they may be contributing to this problem.

Watch this video to see how to get the Love you want in your life!

Susan McCord @ http/www.facebook.com/Dating RelationshipTalkShow

Having Trouble With Your Lovelife? Maybe Your Dating Checklist Needs Revising

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Many men & women who have written my advice column  are complaining about the obvious checklists people have when they are out on a date.  They feel that it is much more like an interview than a casual encounter!  This is a huge turnoff  and comes across clinical.  Men say  that women have a longer list which is much more specific than a man’s but still don’t know what they really want at the end of the day.

Women feel that a man’s checklist resembles something like this:

Must like sex 7 days a week.
Have a nice body.
Must like watching Sports and be OK with his regular boys night out!
Be willing to try new things regardless of what it is.
She must be a good cook & love being in the kitchen.

Why Do Women Seem to Have More On Their Dating Checklists?

Women tend to be less trusting than men on the first few dates and want to know everything they can about a possible life partner; they want to cover all their options.  Unfortunately some women don’t realize how this comes across and the men feel like they are on trial with this obvious checklist put in front of them.  While it is important to ask questions and open the communication lines; both sexes need to slow down & enjoy the moment, not interrogate each other.  There are many guys now that also have these checklists and it makes the first few dates very awkward.  First impressions are everything so why would you want someone to think you are bringing out your rule book questionnaire and checking off the boxes with each tedious question?

Online dating now has this quick elimination process with both sexes almost looking for flaws & sabotaging any first meeting at all.  People are quick to read the dating profiles with a harsh judgment and if one thing isn’t exactly what they are looking for they are onto the next person.  This is one of the reasons so many people are lonely today! They don’t give anyone a chance and if they do make it to the first date it is often quickly decided that their date doesn’t meet all the checklist requirements!  Who have we become? Are we looking for a clone of ourselves? How boring would that be!

One of my YouTube subscribers feels that everyone should go on a minimum of two dates with each person.  He feels that if you have a great verbal connection, there is something worth exploring.  He gets really frustrated with the checklist that many women seem to have.  Are we being too picky due to the fact that there is always another person waiting on our dating site and so we always think we can do better with the next one?

It is said that there are no coincidences & that each person we come in contact with is there for a purpose. If that is the case, why don’t we acknowledge each encounter as a life lesson?  Regardless of how small the message may be, there will always be something to learn from it.  People are so quick to judge & make assumptions without giving others a second look.  Someone could be dealing with some personal issues that happened that day or had some bad news before the date and may not be themselves.  They could be new at dating & shy with the whole process. Everyone has something to offer and there is someone for everyone. We need to slow down & pay attention to a persons attributes and not spending our time looking for their flaws.

What Should Our Checklist Priorities Look Like?

Character ~ Kind, loving, thoughtful, loyal.
Compatibility ~ common interests, enjoy the same sports, want to travel or happy to stay home.
Attraction ~ mental, physical & sexual (Notice how I put mental attraction first.)
Communication ~ can you talk openly to each other? Are you emotionally connected?
Personality ~ Do they make you laugh, make you a priority, make you think, add to your life?
Career ~ you mutually respect & encourage each others choices.
Parenting ~ both be equally on board with either wanting children, stepchildren or not having children.
Religious beliefs ~ this is a big problem in some relationships.
Location & Living Arrangements ~ Is it important where you live? Close to Family or loved ones?

Of course this list is generalized and each person should categorize their checklist to what works best for them. Children or Religion may be higher on your list.  Prioritizing money or looks on the first line may get you the odd date but ultimately is a shallow approach to long term happiness. Be realistic when preparing your checklist, whether it is mentally accumulated or in written form.  Look in the mirror and really see yourself for who you are & how you want others to see you as well.  No one is perfect & we have to start giving others a chance without negative judgment.  As I said earlier, there is a reason they are in your life, no matter how brief the moment, embrace it.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord