I am a 38 year old attractive woman. My husband left our 14 year marriage 9 months ago & I have tried so many things to move on but sometimes I just can’t get out of the house due to the deep sadness I feel.
I am overwhelmed with how lonely I am and very aware that I am sabotaging my happiness by being stuck in this place of isolation. I just don’t want to be a Debbie Downer around people and I can’t fake my moods for long.
I find it easier just to be by myself and hope that this debilitating heart break goes away soon! I am so tired of crying and want to erase the vision of my husband out with all our friends and his new & much younger girlfriend!
Our relationship seemed pretty good for the most part and we had sex occasionally but I did notice we barely talked anymore & did minimal things together as a couple. One night he just looked at me across the dinner table and said “I am not happy here anymore, too much has changed.” That was it! He packed a suitcase and left that night.
I think he must have been seeing this other woman before he left our marriage as I really don’t think he would have had the courage to leave and to be alone. He hasn’t been single since he was 17 and is now 42 years old!
What do you suggest I do to get past the loneliness so I can also start to live a joyful life? What am I doing wrong and why are most our friends on his side? That hurts almost as much as the break up itself!!
Thanks for whatever advice you have for me Sybersue!
Thank you for your email! I had a similar question at my ladies meet up group the other evening. This is a question so many women have due to the abruptness of how their relationship ended. The “blindsiding” way it was handled is the main reason for this.
“How could he just leave with a one line statement like it’s been talked about 100 times? I had no clue!”
Many men & women do not have any idea that their partners are unhappy or planning to leave the marital home. Sometimes it is a denial thing but more often it is due to the couple’s lack of communication & not paying attention to each other’s needs. They stop listening to each other!
Of course only you know the answer as to what went on behind closed doors and that may be something you need to delve into to gain some closure.
In the meantime you need to change your thoughts! You are consumed with what is going on in your husband’s life and it is taking over every moment of your day. This is unhealthy and keeps you in a long term form of grieving.
How to Stop Being Lonely without having to be in a Social Environment:
- Put away any photos or reminders of your EX in the house, on your computer or your phone.
- Stop talking to the friends who do not have your back or who just want to call you to gossip about your Ex.
- Take him off your Facebook/Social Media so you can’t see how much fun he “seems” to be having without you!
- Start your day by watching something funny on YouTube or your favorite social media site. Funny animal videos always help me when I am feeling down. Build up to at least an hour per day. (That’s one hour less that you think about him!)
- Find a regular exercise TV show that you can follow in your home. Yoga is great & is also a form of meditation where your mind is focused only on the positive. Make this a daily routine. It will not only release your sad mindset, it will make you look good. We all know when you look good, you feel good too. ❤
- Write out a list of the things that “weren’t right” in your marriage. Now that you have had 9 months to look back & process your 14 years together, there must have been some red flags or things that were missing. It’s not all about what your husband was feeling! Maybe you weren’t that happy either.
- Work on a project. Maybe it is a hobby that you let go of years ago or try something completely new! Learn how to write a blog, experiment with photography, cooking new recipes & sharing them on Instagram. Everything is at your fingertips on Google!
- Change up your home with new paint or a few pieces of furniture! Get rid of that damn bed you slept in together or at least throw out the sheets and get some new ones.
- Try out some new makeup & hair ideas by watching video tutorials so that when you are ready to venture back out socializing you will have a new vamped up look!
- Read some motivating blogs that help you deal with breakups and divorce.
- Take a peek at some online dating sites or local meet up groups you can join at a later date.
It takes two people to be in a relationship and usually two people to end it as well. Own your part in why things changed so much between you & your husband. Why did you stop talking & why did you feel it was OK not to stay on a communicative level.
Relationships take work & need to be nurtured. Sometimes we take them for granted & forget that.
It’s OK to take time for yourself before you feel like putting yourself out there when you are dealing with a divorce; in fact it is healthy because you are taking time to heal. You are allowed to feel your emotions and the pain of your marriage ending. It was real to you and isn’t something you take lightly.
It is always difficult when you feel like you were replaced so quickly by another woman but your husband will have his time when he reflects on your 14 years together. No one gets through a divorce without having to deal with some form of pain or regret.
Unfortunately friendships can change with a breakup and I understand your sadness when it comes to why you don’t want to be social right now. Who do you trust, who is really there for you and were these people ever your real friends?
The people who are there for you will not play both sides of the fence. They will support you and NOT pretend everything is OK. They will be genuinely concerned about you & want to help you through this heart break. They will not be out partying right away with the new girl like nothing has happened.
Things will change for you in the next few months if you follow some of those 11 tips above. The more you do for yourself, the less rejection you will feel. You’re amazing self is still in there somewhere and I will bet there is an even better version of you to come!
Wishing you love & happiness on your new path.
Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
Today Dear Sybersue talks about Love ❤ the second time around. Don’t let past fears or anger prevent you from finding that special person who you can have a committed and loving partnership with.
You deserve to be happy so don’t sabotage that because you can’t get over someone who hurt you. Your Ex has moved on! Take back your power & move on into a positive path.
There was a reason you broke up and you will understand why when you let go of feeling rejected.
Humans are interesting and complicated as Hell sometimes. We spend so much time in a push/pull scenario! We’re not sure that we really want something & often take it for granted, but when it is taken away from us we change our minds and then all of a sudden we decide we do want it.
That is not our heart talking or our intelligence. It is our ego!
We hold onto to so much past shit in our lives rather than look forward to the new beginnings that we are being offered. When things don’t work out there is always a reason. It is something we needed to learn or change about ourselves to better our happiness.
Once you grasp this concept your life will become a lot smoother because you are not repeating patterns that aren’t working for you. You are accepting them and moving upward into a healthier direction.
Life is all about lessons and understanding why we attract things towards us.
We are in charge of our choices and we have the power to bring amazing opportunities into our world. Let go of anger, accept the lesson you were suppose to learn and move up the ladder to acceptance of who you are.
You are amazing and always have been. ❤
Why do people date before they are emotionally ready?
Why do we repeat patterns that don’t work rather than working through them so that we choose better relationship scenarios?
The reason there are many unhappy single men and women is due to their own denial about what is really going on inside their heart. There is a hurt that needs to be healed and nurtured before they can truly love someone and be loved.
It is very important not to bury your past heartache but to bring it to the forefront and honestly look at both sides of what transpired. You chose this person to be in your life and you need to understand why you did. What lessons were you suppose to learn? What did you take away from your experience?
Remembering the great things about your past relationship is a positive approach but you have to also be realistic about what wasn’t so great too. If it were a good fit, you would still be together now. They may have been a stepping stone to get you to a much better place down the road.
Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
Part of the dating and relationship process of life is learning as much as you can from each step you take so as not to repeat the same BS crap over and over again. Yes, that nasty heart-break learning curve that seems endless for some people. “WTF? Why me, what am I doing wrong?” “Why am I so unlovable?”
OMG stop with the pity party, wipe off those crocodile tears and go yell at yourself in the bathroom mirror! “I AM AMAZING BUT I NEED TO MAKE BETTER CHOICES! I AM IN CHARGE OF ME & NO ONE ELSE HAS THAT POWER!” On second thought, write it out on the mirror and then yell!! Do it over and over again until you really believe it, because until you do, you will continue to have these sad moments with your pets! (I’m not just talking about the crazzzzy cat ladies!)
Any breakup is hurtful but it happens for a purpose; to let you know there is something way healthier for you out there away from another heart-breaking dilemma. You might have to bang your head against that damn brick wall a few times before it clicks into the “ah ha moment,” but even taking baby steps in a new direction will get you there much faster!
So eat a carton of Haagen Daz, down a few pints at the pub, watch a few romantic tear jerker movies, cry at old photos of you as a couple, use your pets as a temporary replacement, and then give yourself a month and get the Hell into that bathroom and start screaming! It’s time for you to move onto a positive road to something real!
It’s not always about heart-break but more about a broken ego which can be dangerous if you let it rule your choices! Life experience is never a bad thing, but you can have many more great experiences once you learn how to remove yourself from the frustrating path of doing the same wrong thing over and over again.
As Dr. Phil says: “How’s that working for you?”
Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
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Things are going along great in your relationship and then you get blindsided by your partner saying things are over and using the cheesy line “it’s not you it’s me!” What the F? You have invested almost 2 years together and without any warning you get the dreaded meeting with your girlfriend/boyfriend. You feel it in your gut that something is wrong, something feels different and your heart starts to thump loudly in your chest like it is ready to explode! The phone call beforehand is the first clue and the tone of their voice clearly states something is off.
In today’s world of technology I guess we should be thankful when someone takes the time to break our heart in person rather than text us the news, but it’s never a good thing when it is not a reciprocated decision!
Seriously though; “it’s not you it’s me!” Really? That’s the big send off after 2 years? That’s all they’ve got?
Is this line supposed to make the person being dumped feel better because their partner is putting the blame on themselves? Well maybe there is some truth to this because they are the ones missing out on having you in their life so wouldn’t that make sense that theyare the problem? Or at least that would be nice to believe when you are hurting and wanting the pain to go away.
It’s their loss right? So why does it feel the opposite?
Our egos are very powerful and do not take rejection lightly! There are emotions and feelings attached to it as well which makes it even harder to just move on without showing any resentment or hurt. (Some people are pretty good at faking it though and seem to move on so fast; but rest assured that no one goes unscathed during any kind of break up!) Remember that, when you are sitting at home in tears looking at old photos of your past relationship moments! Their turn will come in one way or another, especially if they end up in a new relationship right away! Taking unhealthy emotions into a new partnership when you haven’t spent time healing, will only cause repetitive patterns to emerge.
Denial can be a long life lesson. It is better to grieve a lost love than to pretend it meant nothing to you.
You were in each other’s lives for a reason and something good came out it in one way or another; it just may take some time to see that while you are picking up the pieces of your broken heart. If someone says it’s not you, believe them! Regardless of the reason your partnership has ended, you cannot make someone love you and that is the saddest part when you still have a strong love for them. You are in shock and reeling from the wounds of their final words!
If you take time to think about it and you are really being honest with yourself; did you not see some things had changed within your relationship in the past few months? There are usually a few signs that show up but most of us would rather ignore them or chalk it up to our partner being in a bad mood or that they had a hard day at the office. “They’ll get over it.”
It is always a good idea to pay close attention to your partner and anything that seems a little out of sorts with them. Body language is a big give away and listening to what they say or don’t say is also important. When things are not right in a relationship, there are hints in one way or another. Being aware of subtle changes within your daily routine together will keep you conscious and mindful of your partner’s feelings and any emotional shifting that may occur.
Please click on the blue link below to continue reading more: 10 Reasons they may say “it’s not you, it’s me!”
OMG This chick makes me laugh! I love Chelsea and her wicked sense of humor. She is definitely an old soul in a young hot body! Chelsea and I met on Social Media sites through our dating & relationship blog content and then in person when we were both panel guests for Andrea Hill and her business Join the Dinner Party in Vancouver. I recently saw her again when we were guests with Paul Davidescu CEO of the Tangoo App on The Lynda Steele Radio show at CKNW also in Vancouver.
I just wanted to give a shout out to Chelsea from The Single Diary Blog and add one of her crazzzzy posts here on my Dear Sybersue Website. Here goes…Beware, she doesn’t sugarcoat anything! 😉
The Anniversary of my Favorite Breakup of all Time!
It was around this time two years ago that I found myself single with an excessively large bush. Some of you have heard the tale, others are super disturbed by that opening sentence- let me explain:
I dated what we will call a hippie/musician/asshole for several months and one of the things he requested I do during our relationship was grow a bush. My first question was why: Why would a young male prefer such an old school/natural grooming approach? I was instantly confused and a little thrown off but at the same time, I was dating and having sex with the guy. If that’s what turned him on well, why not? Less maintenance for me. Let me add that by the time our short romance came to an end, my bush hadn’t even reached lift off.
From the day we met to the day we broke up, his actions told me he was extremely interested in me. He was constantly asking me to hang out, he loved spending time with my parents (which became creepy) and he was a cheesy romantic. If a woman asked: how do you know if a guy is interested? I would basically describe this guys actions. So needless to say I was confused as fuck to learn that he felt we had “no sexual chemistry.”
We were having dinner at his place the day after my dog died when he dropped the no sexual chemistry bomb. I was drunk, I was angry and I had a few valid points:
To Keep Reading the rest of this go to this Link on her blog at The single Diary: http://wp.me/p22l43-1p3
Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord