dear sybersue

How Do I Stop Being Lonely after My Breakup without having to be in a Social Setting?
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How Do I Stop Being Lonely after My Breakup without having to be in a Social Setting?

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Dear Sybersue,

I am a 38 year old attractive woman.  My husband left our 14 year marriage 9 months ago & I have tried so many things to move on but sometimes I just can’t get out of the house due to the deep sadness I feel.

I am overwhelmed with how lonely I am and very aware that I am sabotaging my happiness by being stuck in this place of isolation.  I just don’t want to be a Debbie Downer around people and I can’t fake my moods for long.

I find it easier just to be by myself and hope that this debilitating heart break goes away soon! I am so tired of crying and want to erase the vision of my husband out with all our friends and his new & much younger girlfriend!

Our relationship seemed pretty good for the most part and we had sex occasionally but I did notice we barely talked anymore & did minimal things together as a couple. One night he just looked at me across the dinner table and said “I am not happy here anymore, too much has changed.” That was it!  He packed a suitcase and left that night.

I think he must have been seeing this other woman before he left our marriage as I really don’t think he would have had the courage to leave and to be alone.  He hasn’t been single since he was 17 and is now 42 years old!

What do you suggest I do to get past the loneliness so I can also start to live a joyful life? What am I doing wrong and why are most our friends on his side? That hurts almost as much as the break up itself!!

Thanks for whatever advice you have for me Sybersue!

Lauren H.

Hi Lauren,

Thank you for your email! I had a similar question at my ladies meet up group the other evening. This is a question so many women have due to the abruptness of how their relationship ended. The “blindsiding” way it was handled is the main reason for this.

“How could he just leave with a one line statement like it’s been talked about 100 times? I had no clue!”

Many men & women do not have any idea that their partners are unhappy or planning to leave the marital home.  Sometimes it is a denial thing but more often it is due to the couple’s lack of communication & not paying attention to each other’s needs. They stop listening to each other!

Of course only you know the answer as to what went on behind closed doors and that may be something you need to delve into to gain some closure.

In the meantime you need to change your thoughts! You are consumed with what is going on in your husband’s life and it is taking over every moment of your day. This is unhealthy and keeps you in a long term form of grieving.

How to Stop Being Lonely without having to be in a Social Environment:

  1. Put away any photos or reminders of your EX in the house, on your computer or your phone.
  2. Stop talking to the friends who do not have your back or who just want to call you to gossip about your Ex.
  3. Take him off your Facebook/Social Media so you can’t see how much fun he “seems” to be having without you!
  4. Start your day by watching something funny on YouTube or your favorite social media site. Funny animal videos always help me when I am feeling down. Build up to at least an hour per day. (That’s one hour less that you think about him!)
  5. Find a regular exercise TV show that you can follow in your home. Yoga is great & is also a form of meditation where your mind is focused only on the positive. Make this a daily routine.  It will not only release your sad mindset, it will make you look good. We all know when you look good, you feel good too. ❤
  6. Write out a list of the things that “weren’t right” in your marriage. Now that you have had 9 months to look back & process your 14 years together, there must have been some red flags or things that were missing.  It’s not all about what your husband was feeling! Maybe you weren’t that happy either.
  7. Work on a project. Maybe it is a hobby that you let go of years ago or try something completely new! Learn how to write a blog, experiment with photography, cooking new recipes & sharing them on Instagram. Everything is at your fingertips on Google!
  8. Change up your home with new paint or a few pieces of furniture! Get rid of that damn bed you slept in together or at least throw out the sheets and get some new ones.
  9. Try out some new makeup & hair ideas by watching video tutorials so that when you are ready to venture back out socializing you will have a new vamped up look!
  10. Read some motivating blogs that help you deal with breakups and divorce.
  11. Take a peek at some online dating sites or local meet up groups you can join at a later date.

It takes two people to be in a relationship and usually two people to end it as well. Own your part in why things changed so much between you & your husband. Why did you stop talking & why did you feel it was OK not to stay on a communicative level.

Relationships take work & need to be nurtured. Sometimes we take them for granted & forget that.

It’s OK to take time for yourself before you feel like putting yourself out there when you are dealing with a divorce; in fact it is healthy because you are taking time to heal. You are allowed to feel your emotions and the pain of your marriage ending. It was real to you and isn’t something you take lightly.

It is always difficult when you feel like you were replaced so quickly by another woman but your husband will have his time when he reflects on your 14 years together. No one gets through a divorce without having to deal with some form of pain or regret.

Unfortunately friendships can change with a breakup and I understand your sadness when it comes to why you don’t want to be social right now. Who do you trust, who is really there for you and were these people ever your real friends?

The people who are there for you will not play both sides of the fence. They will support you and NOT pretend everything is OK. They will be genuinely concerned about you & want to help you through this heart break. They will not be out partying right away with the new girl like nothing has happened.

Things will change for you in the next few months if you follow some of those 11 tips above. The more you do for yourself, the less rejection you will feel. You’re amazing self is still in there somewhere and I will bet there is an even better version of you to come!

Wishing you love & happiness on your new path.

Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

 

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Dear Sybersue: Women are Fake and Only into Using Men!

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Hi Sybersue,

I know this email is not going to be pleasant but then I don’t feel like sugar coating my feelings right now!

I am angry and so fed up with fake women! I am starting to dislike the entire female population! What gives them the right to treat men like sh*t and then just walk away when they have used you for whatever they can get out of you?

I am a decent looking guy who makes a good living, but the women I meet are all takers & only into money or status! I meet women online and in social settings and I can honestly lump them all into the same category regardless of the environment.

I know I vented on your YouTube channel about this and I apologize for being a hot head but I just can’t take the BS women are handing out to men these days. I am not the only one who feels this way & it is a regular conversation with my buddies as well.

What the Hell is going on & why have women changed so much?  I just want to meet a woman who knows how to put her man first and appreciate who he is without so much judgement or expectations.

Thanks Sue

Brad85

Dear Brad85,

Hi Brad! OK since you decided to be blunt here on my advice column & my YouTube Channel I will give you the same courtesy.

Your anger is repelling the “amazing women” away from you and bringing you more of what you don’t want in your life because of it. You are repeating a pattern rather than learning from something that isn’t working for you.

Why do you think it should be so easy to meet someone to share your life with?

We usually marry only once in our lifetime so the odds of going through some undesirable dating, is pretty normal I would say. The trick here though Brad; is not to repeat spending time with the same type of women. There is something that you are doing to attract these “money hungry user” girls into your existence.

You say women have changed but maybe it is you who needs to change as well.

Haven’t you noticed when you write angry things on YouTube that you get more angry comments in return? Whether they are against you or for you, the comments are still in the anger mode.

Well… that is what you are also projecting in “face to face” social settings. It is like you are looking for these demanding women to prove your point.

You said you don’t like judgmental women so don’t lump all women into the judgmental “same category!” Try dating someone completely different from your usual selection; because I will bet you have a predetermined female type that you are not even aware of.

BOTH men and women have changed over the years and it is up to us individually, who we allow into our lives.

You must be a pro at seeing the “high maintenance red flags” so move on quickly when you see them. Read between the lines on dating profiles and look closely at their photos. The old cliché “pictures are worth a thousand words” is very true in the Millennium! (15 sexy selfies would be your first clue.)

It sounds like you want love in your life or you wouldn’t have written me in frustration, so in order for it to come to you; your mindset has to change to believe you can have it.

Women will not use you if you don’t let them use you.

Stop sabotaging things and try to have a positive outlook towards women. Lose the attitude that all women are the same; because I can assure you they are not! The minute you start understanding that is when the right one will be drawn towards you.

Think about it; would you be attracted to a woman who is angry?

Try these 5 Things to Help Change Up Your Love Life:

  • Watch your body language. Be Open & Friendly.
  • Watch what you say and do all the time! Be aware of how you come across.
  • Stop putting out any negative thoughts.
  • Broaden your friendship circle with positive people only.
  • Know that you are a great guy worthy of a loving partnership.

The less time you spend saying how things aren’t working, the more things will start to work and come together for you in the future. It’s not working for you this way so why not try a different approach?  It really is a much happier place to be.

Keep me posted & let me know how things are going. I think you will be writing me back soon with some good news!

Sybersue ❤

What do you think about Brad’s comments?                                                                            What other suggestions would you have for him? 

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show 

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Relationships: Does Your Partner Talk Down to you or Try to Squash you?

In the video above Dear Sybersue talks about “your” relationship. Is it balanced and healthy or does your partner belittle you and try to squash who you are as a person?

A partnership needs to be nurtured with encouragement & love! There is no place for negative comments or ridiculing in a relationship. One sided relationships need to be addressed and the communication between a couple should never be put on the back burner.

When you ignore the big red flags in your life you are not in alignment with yourself and your needs. Don’t let things go past the point of trying to repair your relationship. Sharing & reciprocating your feelings with your partner will at least give you some clarity on what is really going on with the two of you.

Don’t ever be afraid to have respect for yourself. Your relationship should be your safe place; free of drama, anxiety and negativity.

Susan McCord @facebook.com/dearsybersue

youtube.com/dearsybersue

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A Male Opinion: It’s hard to meet women; they don’t give me the time of day!

Why are women so rude to men sometimes?I talk to many men via my blog and advice column about numerous topics relating to women, dating and relationships. The biggest complaint I hear is “It’s hard to meet women and they don’t give me the time of day!”

When I speak to women about this frustration from men they profusely disagree that this is not true.

Well… I can tell you that I have witnessed this behavior from a fair amount of ladies at different venues in various cities in North America and especially in Vancouver B.C. where I live! I honestly think that some women don’t realize how standoffish they can appear to others when they are out for the evening.

Body language tells a big story to the audience that’s watching.

Many guys tell me that they receive very little response back from their brave hello to women; unless of course they are the ultimate “bad boy” chick magnet! (But then they are not the ones complaining!)

Ladies I know there are some real dicks out there and that the majority of you are not ALL cold and unresponsive to men, but if dating is ever going to change you have to start being nice to guys who are pleasant and who acknowledge you. They don’t have to fit the criteria on your checklist.

A kind smile and a friendly hello doesn’t mean you have to date them! It’s called human “face to face” connection and something that is becoming obsolete these days!

Women say that men only care about hooking up and having sex. “They are not interested in a long term partnership!” While I have met many guys who do fit this description; I disagree that the majority of men do not ever want a committed relationship.

Men have told me that after so much rejection from women today, they just finally gave up looking for anything real and started to make it only about sex; as women seem to be OK giving that to them early on! (Maybe women need to talk about this with each other???)

I enjoy being around men; I understand men and I have often said I am coming back in my next life as a man! My girlfriends think I am out of my mind bat sh*t crazy. “Why would you ever want to be a guy?”

Because…it would be a nice change. 😉

Men get to be who they are without a lot of high maintenance daily rituals; as there are less expectations when it comes to physical appearance. They get to be strong minded without being labeled as a bitch. They can have sex with numerous women without being called any derogatory names. Men get to stand up to pee (so jealous!) and they can have a fight with their buddy & 10 minutes later have a beer together as if nothing has happened. All is forgiven and not held onto for an eternity! Women never forget and tend to hold grudges.

Don’t get me wrong; being a woman is pretty cool and definitely has many wonderful perks but I could do without some of nature’s gifts on the emotional and biological side. And yes…we can be bitches especially in Vancouver I am told!

OK…we understand that each gender has unique qualities; so why can’t men and women just accept the differences and get on with their lives instead of continually  pointing fingers about what they don’t like about one another?

  • Why are we fighting each other and repelling in the opposite direction of ever having a loving partnership?
  • Why is the Millennium one of the loneliest eras in relationship history? Is it because we think we can always do better and that our picky & judgemental ways are making every date a one night disaster?
  • When did wearing the wrong color socks or having fat ankles become a relationship deal breaker?
  • Why did the word ghosting become a regular habit in the dating arena? When did we become so rude by not showing up for a planned date because we were playing games & never intended to actually follow through with it, or because someone or something better came up!
  • Why have we lost all concern for human etiquette and respecting each others time and efforts?
  • Why are there so many angry comments from men about women on social media sites?

You don’t have to follow everyone else who has taken on some of these negative behaviors and you can stand out by not taking part in these ongoing endless rants about what isn’t transpiring between men and women!

Don’t let yourself fall into the pessimism of what isn’t working!

Fix it!

How does complaining about each other make things any better? Why would you ever give up on something an important as LOVE? I know things are repetitively annoying out there in the dating world but there are ways to change it.

You can start by putting the damn phone away. How can you possibly interact with anyone when your head is constantly positioned downwards? Your body language shows up as removed and far too busy to notice people around you.

If you want to have a relationship one day down the road you are going to have to resort to…wait for it…Eye contact!

I know righhht?

It’s actually not that difficult to fix this problem but I am starting to think everyone gets more empowerment from complaining about each other, then believing that there is someone amazing out there for them.

When people have been very hurt from a breakup or feel rejected; fear takes over and becomes the growing root of their loneliness. These pessimistic thoughts are dominating their path; therefore inhibiting and sabotaging their chance to be able find a loving partnership.

“You Must Believe to Achieve.” ❤

10 Simple Things to Think About to Help Change the Dynamics between Men & Women:

  1. Don’t turn your nose up at anyone who acknowledges you!
  2. Smile at people you are in close contact with at restaurants, at the gym or any social outing you are attending.
  3. Only use your phone for important messages when out for the evening! Stop with the selfie crap!
  4. Do not judge someone without even speaking to them.
  5. Make a point of having a small conversation with at least 3 people every time you go out. It will start to become a natural occurrence and also make others feel special & comfortable.
  6. Do not put anyone on the spot by asking personal questions about them. Be original!
  7. Do not have any expectations about them buying you a drink or dinner!
  8. Be interesting & fun! People are always observing from across the room and gravitate towards a positive personality.
  9. If someone asks you out on a date and you are not interested; be polite and respectful with your answer. Never give someone your number when you have no desire to see them again.
  10. Regardless of past hurt, it’s not just about you and what you want in your life. Make sure any conversations are a reciprocated scenario.

PS: Ladies if you need some help getting out of a dating slump/pattern or over a breakup or divorce come and join us every 2nd Tuesday in Kitsilano at my Single Women Meetup Group!

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show        Dear Sybersue Facebook

 

My Pregnancy Memories Many Years Later: The Whole Truth & Nothing but the Truth.
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My Pregnancy Memories Many Years Later: The Whole Truth & Nothing but the Truth.

 

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Me in My 20’s 2 days after I Delivered My Baby

My Pregnancy Memories Many Years Later: The Whole Truth & Nothing but the Truth.

When I talk to other women about their pregnancy days I often hear how precious and wonderful they were.  Seriously??? I wish I knew how to glamorize those barf filled days of morning sickness, the painful nipples, emotional mood swings and the hours of labor pains!  I have to say that my memories are as vivid today as they were many years ago.  OK; not everyone experienced my special moments of early motherhood but I am here to tell you the real truth about what actually happens in those 9 months for some of us.

I got pregnant when most women cannot conceive but I will spare you the details. I knew instantly when my size 36 A (if I pulled the straps really tight) boobs turned into 38 C’s in a short amount of time! I could actually crack walnuts and open a beer with my cleavage! This was incredible and I made damn good use of my new talent. (My husband had fun playing motor boat with them too!) Tight t-shirts were my wardrobe staple until my tummy started to take over in the latest body bump department. This is when I had to wear the large sweatshirts that said “No I have not eaten my way through the Oreo cookie factory, there is a baby on board!”

At the 4 month mark of my pregnancy I ended up moving to Texas from Vancouver, Canada for my husband’s job. I was on a leave from my flight attendant career so we decided to venture out on this new path for 1 year. We knew no one in Dallas and I spent most days alone in our apartment trying to keep my food down, watching The Price is Right and fighting off the crickets that seemed to come in through the chimney! There are some big ass bugs down in Texas!

As a very social woman it was such a big transition for me that I tried to have conversations with anyone who called the wrong number, the produce guy at Safeway and our poor mailman that obviously felt sorry for me. I even befriended a guy at our communal pool area that had just got out of jail for armed robbery! Sadly I’m not kidding but I can tell you I wasn’t bored on those afternoons!

After the barfing ceased, I got back into my gym routine. Most people had no idea I was pregnant but one guy did mention that I seemed to work out so hard but kept getting bigger and maybe I should change my diet. Yup, that’s what he actually said. It was really funny when I came back to the gym after I gave birth and he said “Wow that diet really worked, you’ve lost a lot of weight!” I just smiled.

I went to Lamaze class every Thursday and learned all sorts of things to be aware of during delivery. It’s not scary at all to learn that I could have my “Who Ha” sliced and stitched, a forceps delivery, an upside down baby (instead of sunny side up), a very long labor, a transitional phase that turns women into Linda Blair from the Exorcist movie, an epidural with a foot long needle, an emergency C section and a poop accident on the delivery table in front of the entire hospital staff.  Dr. Pickle, yes that was my doctor’s name, said not to worry and that everything looked fine. (Looking back now I know why I really did crave dill pickles for those 9 months that I saw him!) I swear if they showed those Lamaze videos before women got pregnant the population wouldn’t be anywhere near as high in the world today. Just saying!!

So guess what?

All those things I mentioned above pretty much happened to me on delivery day with the exception of the C-section. Oh and the poop part didn’t happen either because when the doctor asked me if I had eaten anything before I got to the hospital I had to own up that I had eaten an entire loaf of bread to try to calm down my stomach labor pains. (You know; the whole comfort food kind of thing.) Nothing like doing an enema with 10 interns looking on! I did end up doing the Linda Blair thing on my husband when he decided to put his feet up and take an hour nap while I was doing that breathing thing that didn’t work.

28 hours later after I got to the hospital I had the pain epidural and let me tell you they were not kidding in Lamaze class when they said it was a foot long needle! 9 hours later, yes count em 9 more hours, I delivered an upside down baby boy with the help of forceps after my “Who Ha” was cut and my not so funny husband telling the doctor to put a few extra stitches in there. (Which I am pretty sure he had never heard before!) Our baby was healthy and we were all amazed he didn’t have a cone head trying to get out of my love canal for 37 hours.  He was pretty cute actually!

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Children are Happy When Their Parents are Happy too.

We moved back home a few months later and I resumed by job at the airline. My husband & I divorced when my son was 18 months old and I became a single mom until he moved out at 19. There are many stories in those years that I could tell you about; like the one about my son growing marijuana in his toy box for 2 years and how I met the neighbors due to a party he had and all the barf (I do seem to love this word but my life was full of it all those years ago) dripping down their windows!  Yes, it will become my next book one day and I will probably title it something like “Teenagers are shitheads!”

Today my son is a head chef and doing very well. We are super close and always have been with the exception of ages 15-19 Lol. He is my sun, moon and universe and I am very proud of him and who he has become as a young man today. He came into my life for a reason and it was a powerful one.  He has taught me a lot about who I am. ❤

I remarried 8 years ago to an amazing man; I quit my job as a flight attendant, started a Lifestyle talk show, published a book, became a certified dating coach  and an advice columnist/blogger! I love my new life in my 50’s! Ohhhh and to top it all off, my boobs are back to an almost perky 36A and my “Who Ha” is just fine thanks to Dr. Pickle and keeping up my Kegel exercises!  (Sorry that’s probably too much information just as this whole article probably is too!)

All this bitching aside would I do it all over again?

Of  friggen course I would! Pregnancy and motherhood is not easy but it is the best gift life has to offer.  Although I now understand why God gave women the Uterus, because I don’t know any man that could get through one menstrual cycle let alone 9 months of pregnancy. We really are one strong group of amazing women and our children better kiss our slowly drooping ass for the rest of our lives. They owe us big time!

Moms rule and always will!

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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Dear Sybersue ~ Too BUSY (The Dreaded 4 Letter Word in the Dating World!)

Is it Love or Not?

Is it Love or Not?

Dear Sybersue,

My boyfriend is always too busy with something and has constant plans that don’t include me. We don’t live together but he has promised me we will look for a place together before the 2 year mark of our relationship.  He is loving whenever we’re together and the sex is great when we finally do have some time as a couple.  The problem is after being in an exclusive relationship with me for just over a year he is still acting like he is single by making his needs the priority all the time.  I realize now that I was very accommodating with all of this in the early stages, so that I didn’t scare him off coming across like “the needy girlfriend.”  He has taken it to a whole new level and doesn’t even ask me if it’s OK that he is going away for another weekend with the guys.  (Just so you know he goes away 2-3 weekends out of every month!) When he is at home he is exhausted from the weekend and we seldom do much together as a couple other than watch TV or go to a movie.

I have expressed concern over this telling him that his last minute plans are not respecting my time at all!  He just says how much he loves me and that it won’t be forever, but he enjoys his adventures with his buddies. He goes everywhere from Las Vegas, to fishing trips and cabin getaways with all his guy friends who are mostly unattached.   He is 37 years old and I would have thought he would be past this stage of his life by now.  I’m really getting fed up sitting around waiting for him so that he can have the best of both worlds and I get the dregs of what he has left to give me.

What should I do and why is he even with me?

Tired of being #2

 

Dear #2,

The reason he is with you is because you make it easy for him to have both of these worlds.  I am sure he does love you but he really isn’t ready to be in a mature committed relationship. The real question here is to ask yourself; why are you with him?  What is it that keeps you there?  You call yourself #2 which is not a good place to be and I am sure it hurts every day knowing that you are not the first priority.  You didn’t say what you do while he is away on these continual weekend treks but I hope you are not just hanging around at home waiting for his return!

It sounds like he gives you just enough to keep you from leaving the relationship. He dangles the carrot so to speak.  The first thing you have to do is understand that you deserve more than what he is giving you right now.  Saying he will be ready to move in by your 2 year anniversary is just a pacifier to keep you there and believing that you have a future together. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too, which keeps you at the bottom of the priority list all the time.

You need to tell him you are not happy with this arrangement and that if he is not ready to act like a partner then you are ready to move on.  It may come across as an Ultimatum but you are just asking him to be honest.  If he doesn’t want to alter his lifestyle to make you #1 then you know your answer.  In the meantime start living your life for you and make plans to do things with friends or go a vacation to an all inclusive resort and let your hair down.  When someone is too BUSY to make time for you then you don’t need a bigger red flag warning in front of you.  When are you ever too busy to be with someone you are crazy about? You can’t wait to see them!  BUSY is a nasty 4 letter word that shouldn’t ever be used in your relationship. Quite often just spelling it out to your partner can make them realize how selfish they have been and sometimes things can turn around in the relationship if they feel like they will really lose you. You will only know the answer to this if you bring it to the forefront for discussion ~ don’t let it go on any longer.

Let me know how it goes. ❤

Sybersue