Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People to Date?

Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People to Date?

What is wrong with me and why do I keep repeating these same dating patterns?

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Social media and computer dating is becoming the norm with how people interact these days. Mingle meet up groups are trying to make a comeback but people still seem to be stuck to their smart phones rather than being open to meeting in person!

People are lonelier than ever because of how some of these dating websites seem to attract superficial men and women who are just out to play games.

There are some happy endings that eventually transpire but why are there so many more stories that don’t work out?  Why do some people keep enticing a certain negative “type” into their existence,  which continually puts them back out into the dating pool?

If you have met a lot of these unfavorable types, you are doing something to attract them towards you.

Regardless of whether you believe in “The Law of Attraction” there is something to it. Negativity attracts negativity.  Everyone is entitled to finding love, but if you are always repeating the same unfulfilling scenario, how is it beneficial in the long run?

There are many women who only meet “Bad Boys” because they are allowing them to keep coming into their life. For some reason they think it is exciting to be treated like crap.

There are also men that only meet pretentious, materialistic hot women, because they are choosing “her looks” as the top priority.  The end result is both sexes are constantly complaining about each other!

Going for the same brand of person which keeps backfiring into a non-existent love life takes years for some people to figure out. “Changing the pattern will change who you meet.” As simple as that sounds it seems to be the biggest mistake men and women repeatedly make.

Why is that?

Many people react out of anger when something happens that is repetitive and unrewarding in their life. This annoying cycle continues because they don’t understand that they are in denial of their own actions!

When a person becomes jaded or angry about the same thing over and over again, wouldn’t it make sense to investigate why it is affecting them to that level?

I see it all the time on the comment section under some YouTube videos.  So many men and women continually vent their frustrations about the same subject, rather than learning how to deal with why it bothers them so much.

This is especially true regarding both sexes in the dating market. If something isn’t working, isn’t it a good idea to fix it rather than bitching about it to anyone who will listen?

No one wants to hear it except for a few others who are also angry about the same thing.  Misery loves company and saying that, I rest my case…negativity attracts more negativity.

Is it really easier to constantly complain about some things that cause drama in your life than to find a solution that betters your world?

We are all guilty of sounding like a broken record at some point in our lives but the people who quickly understand how dangerously repetitive this is, are the ones who move on to find happiness.

If your love-life sucks, be honest about the part you play in it.

I can’t stress enough that we are all in charge of how our lives evolve and that ultimately the choices we make are ours. Yes, we all land in the school of hard knocks while finding out who we are, but the sooner we learn and own the lesson, the faster we move on to a healthier foundation.

So stop repeating the same old story and quit talking about what you don’t want in your life. Talk about a future relationship like you won a lottery!  Think about all those wonderful things you would be able to do and how positive you would feel with less stress and more love in your life.

Thinking happy thoughts and keeping hope alive helps put out positive vibrations that eventually boomerang back towards you.

There is enough love out there for everyone and you deserve it just as much as anyone else does. You don’t ever have to settle for an unhealthy situation so quit allowing yourself to choose them. ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Advice Talk Show

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My 35 Year Old Boyfriend Parties Constantly! Will he Ever Grow up?

My 35 Year Old Boyfriend Parties Constantly! Will he Ever Grow up?

Dear Sybersue answers Christian’s question:

Dear Sybersue,

My 35 year old boyfriend parties constantly!  We have been together for 2 years and it’s always been one big non-stop booze fest. He either has the guys over 4 nights a week, goes to their houses or we have to attend another party somewhere for someone’s birthday or an event that seems to happen for any basic occasion.

I am 33 years old and ready to start planning my future in a responsible way.

I am so tired of all the booze fed evenings that resemble the reality TV show Vanderpump Rules! There is an endless amount of  shooters that always end in a drama filled late night!

The next day involves a major hang over, infused with one Hell of a lot of memory loss and eating junk food until the same type of evening starts all over again

My boyfriend knows how much this bothers me but he always says that “We only live once and we are still young and should enjoy it now.” “We can save money later!”

To avoid another argument with him, I have started to make excuses why I can’t attend these drunken nights anymore but it is difficult because I really do love him. He thinks I am being way too serious and that we have plenty of time to be responsible.

We both have great jobs that we love, but how long is he going to be able to hold on to his when he shows up at work smelling like a tequila shooter or brewery? He has started to call in sick more often and shows up late constantly because he’s so tired from partying until 2 am on a weeknight!

Writing all this down I can see how bad things have become in our relationship and I know what I probably should do.  Is there any hope for us at all?

What would you do Sybersue?

Christian P.

Dear Christian,

Well you are right that it sounds like a Vanderpump Rules episode! I can see why you are so frustrated because it seems to be the normal way of life for so many people in their 20’s and 30’s today!

I have no idea why they would be allowed to glorify these drunk fests on a TV show! Ratings I guess…

Glorified or not, it’s not OK to party this much and still have a healthy lifestyle or LIVER! 

You are right about the drama that arises from these evenings as the excessive alcohol brings out the clawed cat in many of us. The more someone drinks the more they can handle, which then turns into an addiction that needs to be fed.

Let’s not forget to mention how much money is spent on these nights out! I am always hearing how millennials complain they will never own a house and they’ve got that right!  If their priorities are in party mode,  we know how much bottle service and fancy restaurants cost!

It is not unusual for many young people to have $300+ nights every time they step out for the evening. How could you possibly save any money for a house?

You are right to be concerned about your future with him Christian because at 35 years old he should already have been putting money away as an investment. You said you love him but are you sure it’s enough? It doesn’t sound like you do much together except go to expensive social events, so how will that help your relationship grow in the future?

You need to have the big talk with him and not just pull away doing your own thing while he continues on this destructive path. It’s time to put on those big girl panties and do what’s right for you. Tell him what is important to you and if he is willing to change things up and prioritize his future with you and his finances, then maybe you can salvage your partnership.

If he can’t compromise in the next month with his partying ways then you will have no choice but to move on in a different direction.

You can’t make someone change, but you can offer a solution that could help him see that what he is doing is a dead end scenario. It’s up to him how he handles it and to show you how important you are to him.

You have invested 2 years into this relationship and that is enough time to see if there is a healthy future with him. If he is doesn’t want to alter his present lifestyle and is happy  with the life he is living, then you know there isn’t room in his heart to give you what you want anymore.  His priorities aren’t you.

Sybersue ❤

Please watch the video at the top of this post! Sybersue Loves to hear from you & will always take time to answer you back.  Please leave your comments below!

Susan McCord @

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Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

Dear Sybersue,

Things have changed so much in the last few months between my boyfriend and I! He seems to be angry about something but won’t open up completely with me. I am not sure whether he is internalizing a problem and trying to deal with it on his own, or whether he is slowly pulling back from our relationship??

I don’t want to keep harassing him with questions and I am hoping that this is just a moody phase that will fizzle out. His defensiveness is very disturbing as it seems to be the way he reacts to anything I ask him or even with the simplest conversations I have with him!

Is he questioning our relationship and doesn’t have patience with us as a couple anymore? How do I handle this without becoming defensive myself? We live together and I get a little anxious about coming home these days.

Thanks Sybersue

Teri 

Hi Teri,

Yes, things have definitely shifted in your partnership. He is holding onto something that has happened either to himself or within the dynamics of you as a couple. Can you think of anything that transpired a few months ago when his defensive attitude started?

Did you have a situation where the trust in your relationship was tarnished to some degree? A jealous scenario maybe? Is he having trouble at work that he may be hiding from you?

Whatever is going on with him you can’t live this way forever.

He needs to tell you what is he feeling so that you can try to fix the problem together or move on so that you can both be happy. Chalking it up to him being in a moody phase isn’t good because you are taking a back seat to the respect you deserve! You are a couple and it’s not just all about him.

Having to walk on eggshells around your partner is not a healthy environment and will play havoc on your self-esteem! 

I would ask him the tough questions that you may not have asked for fear of hearing something you don’t want to hear. Don’t live in denial!

If there has been a change of heart in your partnership, do you  really want to spend another few years with someone who has removed himself romantically and emotionally from you?

Communication is everything in a relationship and because your boyfriend has shut down, he is pushing you further away with every defensive comment. That isn’t fair to you and he needs to be honest and share what he is thinking and feeling with you as his partner.

Maybe you could suggest a counselor or coach that you could go to as a couple or he might prefer to go on his own for a few sessions first? If he has no interest in repairing or acknowledging this defensive problem, then you will have to make some tough decisions for yourself.

Don’t let someone else’s moods dictate your own happiness, you’re worth more than that. You shouldn’t have to feel anxious in your own home.

Let me know how things go Teri. Please keep me posted!

Sybersue ❤

Please watch the video above for more advice on this question.

Sybersue loves to hear from you & will always reply to your comments! Please leave your thoughts below!

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Am I Ready to Have a Friends With Benefits Arrangement?

Am I Ready to Have a Friends With Benefits Arrangement?

Dear Sybersue,

I haven’t been in a relationship for over 2 years due to my last breakup and all the drama that I had to deal with.  I took some time away from men to heal and figure out what the Hell happened because I never want to have go through that again.

He wasn’t very loyal towards me which I didn’t find out until the end of our relationship!

I am definitely not ready to be in a committed partnership but I really miss being intimate and having regular sex with someone. I am feeling lonely and was wondering what this friends with benefits scenario is all about?

This might be right up my alley while my heart is mending but I am wondering if I can handle the casualness of it.  I am used to being in an exclusive relationship even though my last boyfriend didn’t seem to honor that!

Can you let me know what the rules and expectations are if I decide to get involved in a “friends with benefits” liaison?

Thank you so much Sybersue!

Curious Katie

Hi CK,

First of all that is great that you know yourself well and that you are not ready to get into another relationship right now.  You’re not pretending to be healed from your past breakup and you are being honest with yourself. Many people jump back in when they are not ready, which often causes emotional confusion in this next relationship.

“Friends with benefits” is a very popular way to have a flexible and reciprocated sexual connection without all the expectations that a full time partnership requires. It can be a great set-up for some people who just don’t have time to date or who aren’t ready to be in a long term commitment at this stage of their life; like yourself.

FWB is not for everyone though and it’s certainly not a hot bed of roses all the time!

There can be complications with this type of arrangement and for that reason there are rules that need to be adhered to. These should be discussed on the first day that you both decide this is what you want from each other.

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First Things First; DON’T GO into a FWB Situation If:

  • You think that by seeing them casually and having sex with them that you will eventually lure them into a long term commitment. They are telling you they don’t want anything more than occasional sexual encounters; believe them!
  • If you are way more attracted and invested in them than they are with you. You can’t stop thinking about them! You will be setting yourself up for another heartbreak.  FWB scenarios have to be in a reciprocated “sexual friend zone” with limited expectations.
  • Do not venture into this if you decide that maybe you are ready for a committed relationship. Spending time with someone you are only partially involved with, will take away time from meeting someone you could ultimately have a partnership with.
  • You are not right for this type of situation if you get jealous easily or are insecure about friendship sex. (Many women need the intense emotional love connection before they feel comfortable is a sexual partnership.)

What Should The “Friends With Benefits” Rules Include?

  1. You have to have “the talk” immediately, when you decide you are both on board with this type of arrangement. Make sure you both know it is casual with no expectations to have a deeper romantic/love connection.
  2. You also need to talk about how often you will be meeting up. Will it be once a week or once a month?
  3. What are the birth control expectations?
  4. Will you keep it strictly as a bedroom sexual encounter, or will there be an outside date night involved as well?
  5. Will it just be the two of you or will other people be involved? (Yes, you need to ask those questions!)
  6. There needs to be a conversation and a time set up in advance for your next encounter together. (The same way you would organize something with a close friend.) Unless you are OK with a last minute booty call?
  7. Are you are going to be sexually exclusive with them? This should be a reciprocated rule that you are both on the same page with!
  8. You need to respect each other’s time. No last minute bail outs because something or someone else came up. You are not using each other when there is nothing else going on. You generally really like each other and you must treat them as you would want to be treated.
  9. Another important question: Is it OK to date others at the same time you are in this FWB scenario? Do they need to tell you if they are dating someone or are you both OK not knowing what each other is doing when you are not together?
  10. Is this going to be a secretive situation or is it alright that others know you are friends with benefits?

This type of arrangement isn’t a good fit for everyone and I am not sure it will be for you Katie. You said yourself that you’re not sure you can handle the casualness of it all. You are also still dealing with the insecurities of being cheated on and open relationships such as this type can play on your self esteem.

There is no time limit or pressure to be in a FWB situation so as long as you are honest with your concerns & upfront with him in the beginning, there is no harm in trying it out to see if you can handle this type of arrangement.

If you decide at any time that “friends with benefits” doesn’t fit your lifestyle anymore you need to be courteous and open with your feelings and end things in a respectful manner. Don’t do the ghosting thing and just disappear!

Remember you are friends’ not just lovers.

Please watch the video above for more information on your question. Thanks for writing Katie!

Sybersue ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show  

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My New Girlfriend Only Thinks About Herself Should I move On?

My New Girlfriend Only Thinks About Herself Should I move On?

Dear Sybersue discusses Jacob’s question about his high maintenance girlfriend. He has only been dating her for 2 months but so far everything is ALL about her!

She doesn’t seem to care about what is going on in his life or share conversations as a couple. She is extremely self absorbed and oblivious to anything that doesn’t involve her.

He wants to know if he should just move on?

Please watch the video above to see what Dear Sybersue has to say on the subject. 

Here is a comment from a male viewer on Dear Sybersue’s YouTube Channel about this video: 

Anon amous Reply:
Excellent post and advice. You probably should dump her immediately, but you could use her to become a better person yourself.

I had to laugh. Of course she thinks only about herself, she’s a woman. Particularly, if she’s a woman under 30 years old. If you do date a woman who appears very interested in you, ask yourself why is she so interested in me? What is she looking for? Does she want to find out how much money I have? Does she want to find out my dating history to determine if I am a high value guy? Just because a woman appears interested in you doesn’t mean that she is altruistic, far from it. Particularly, if she is over 30 years old.

Now, if a woman is taking you for granted, you are doing something wrong. She has the impression that she is doing you a favor by dating you. You’ve not made her feel that you are a high value guy, and by high value I mean dominate. Sorry for using the “d” word, but it fits best. If she thought that you were high value, she would be more attentive. Granted, most women in their 20’s don’t even know how to talk about someone else, but she would try harder, and she would do it with a submissive tone and posture.

If she is the only woman you are dating — stop it. Date at least two other women at the same time. If you do this, you probably won’t have to do anything else, because your “vibe” (awful word, but it fits) will change. You will “feel” more dominate and less needy to her and she will become more submissive and attentive.

Use this woman to help change your needy little self. She truly doesn’t value you, because you don’t value you. Start doing things to you, to become less needy and more dominate, and use her reaction to you to measure your success. If she becomes more submissive, you are making progress on yourself. Let her help you to help you (to paraphrase Jerry Maguire). After you become dominate and her submissive, you can keep her along with your other two women of course.

Women don’t want lovers. They want leaders. (Sorry, if there is someone I haven’t offended yet. Let me know what I could say to offend you and I will try harder in the future.)


Dear Sybersue reply

Wow interesting perspective there Anon! Using women and being dominant over them?? If he were to do this then he would be just as bad as her. I say walk away and find someone who respects him, and yes, find out why he allows this type of woman in his life at the same time. Thanks for taking the time to write. 🙂

What would you do in this situation? Please leave your comments below.

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How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

Dear Sybersue discusses dating issues when it comes to constantly meeting men and women who are commitment phobic!

Dear Sybersue,

Hi Sybersue, I am writing out of pure frustration today to discuss the ever dreaded dating BS of the millennium! I know you have addressed many topics on your YouTube channel but I really want to know how to deal with men who ALL seem to be commitment phobic!

Why are guys even dating if they are not interested in a relationship? Why are they wasting my time? They know I am interested in a partnership and not just a one night stand so why don’t they just go find someone who is into being “their booty call” instead??

I am 23 years old and I have tried dating men of all ages to try to get around this situation. I thought maybe it was just my age group that was the problem, but nope, that’s not the case. It’s an epidemic!

My girlfriends complain about it too, but some of them have been lucky and have found great relationships. What am I missing in the early stages of dating these men and why am I attracting these types who aren’t looking for a committed partnership?

I don’t just give up after the 1st date and try not to be too judgmental too quickly,but the results are the same with all of them so far!

What can I do to meet someone who is sincerely into a commitment without having to go through all the same drama every time I meet a new guy?

Help!

Going Crazy Kristen

Hi Kristen,

This is a popular question that both men and women want answers to. There are plenty of ladies playing the field out there and driving the guys crazy as well. I hear from them all the time here on my advice column.

The trick is to be smart about your dating choices and not spend too much time with men who are not into having a relationship. There are big signs very early on but as you said “you don’t want to be too judgmental too quickly,” so you may be ignoring them.

There is a huge difference between being judgmental and ignoring those big red flags!

You have dated enough to know when a guy is into wanting a relationship or whether he is just there to put another notch on his bed post. Guys aren’t that good at hiding their sexual desires and if you are paying attention, you will see it early so that you can move on a lot faster!

The sooner you remove yourself from this type of men, the sooner you will stop attracting them towards you.

When a new relationship is going in the right direction you don’t have to ask the questions, “Is he interested in me?” “Where is this going?” or “Are we exclusive with each other?” If you have to ask, you need to move on from them.

You should both be in a place where you are on the same page with how you are feeling about each other. Yes, even in the early stages!

You asked why guys are dating if they aren’t into having a relationship and the answer is because there are always women who will give them what they want. (These women are also hoping they will end up in a partnership with them by doing so.)

How often have you thought that maybe you could be the woman who makes them settle down? I think there are many ladies out there that can relate to this statement! There can also be a very powerful chemistry that happens quickly and lures women into a false sense of partnership security.

Kristen, before you jump into bed with anyone you are dating, listen to what he says he wants in his life, watch his body language and keep the chemistry pheromones in check! Many women become very emotionally attached after they are intimate with someone and they get themselves stuck in a dead end scenario that they aren’t happy in.

Also, make sure that you are ready for a relationship. Subconsciously you may not be, and are choosing unavailable men without totally being aware that you are doing this. Make sure you have dealt with the demons of your past partnerships and that there isn’t any unresolved issues that are clouding your dating scenarios.

It’s never too late to do a little emotional housekeeping!

Please watch the video above to see how you can change things up with your dating life and deal with any initial red flags so that you can meet that special person who is also looking for partnership!

Keep me posted Kristen!

Sybersue
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Please leave your comments below on how you dealt with this type of situation in your life.

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Relationship Advice for Men: Why Do I Keep Going Back to my Ex?

Relationship Advice for Men: Why Do I Keep Going Back to my Ex?

In today’s weekly video Dear Sybersue answers Brian’s question:

Dear Sybersue,

“Why do I keep going back to my ex? We have one good month and then 5 or 6 bad months together. We break up but then she starts to contact me again  and I go back for more. She lets me back in as if nothing has happened!

It’s like some kind of back and forth game! The problem is I actually really do miss her after awhile and let her talk me into giving our relationship another chance. This has happened 4 times already!

I compromise trying to make things work but she doesn’t reciprocate so then I get fed up again and leave. What is going on and why can’t I just walk away for good? I feel like a pushover!”

Thanks Sybersue, Brian

Please watch the video above to see what Sybersue has to say to Brian and other people who may be in a similar situation. It is not easy to leave a relationship when you have a history together and we all want to be optimists and hang onto the good parts of what we had.

When a partnership starts to become filled with unhealthy drama then it is time to really assess your reasons for staying.

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