Getting over a Breakup but I Really Miss The Sex! Should I Have a FWB Fling?

Getting over a Breakup but I Really Miss The Sex! Should I Have a FWB Fling?

pexels-photo-414032

Dear Sybersue,

I haven’t been in a relationship for over 2 years due to my last breakup and all the drama that I had to deal with.  I took some time away from men to heal and figure out what the Hell happened because I never want to have go through that again.

He wasn’t very loyal towards me which I didn’t find out until the end of our relationship!

I am definitely not ready to be in a committed partnership but I really miss being intimate and having regular sex with someone. I am feeling lonely and was wondering what this friends with benefits scenario is all about?

This might be right up my alley while my heart is mending but I am wondering if I can handle the casualness of it.  I am used to being in an exclusive relationship even though my last boyfriend didn’t seem to honor that!

Can you let me know what the rules and expectations are if I decide to get involved in a “friends with benefits” liaison?

Thank you so much Sybersue!

Curious Katie

Hi Katie,

First of all that is great that you know yourself well and that you are not ready to get into another relationship right now.  You’re not pretending to be healed from your past breakup and you are being honest with yourself. Many people jump back in when they are not ready, which often causes emotional confusion in this next relationship.

“Friends with benefits” is a very popular way to have a flexible and reciprocate sexual connection without all the expectations that a full time partnership requires. It can be a great set-up for some people who just don’t have time to date or who aren’t ready to be in a long term commitment at this stage of their life; like yourself.

FWB is not for everyone though and it’s certainly not a hot bed of roses all the time!

There can be complications with this type of arrangement and for that reason there are rules that need to be adhered to. These should be discussed on the first day that you both decide this is what you want from each other.

First things first; DON’T GO into a FWB situation if:

  • You think that by seeing them casually and having sex with them that you will eventually lure them into a long term commitment. They are telling you they don’t want anything more than occasional sexual encounters; believe them!
  • If you are way more attracted and invested in them than they are with you. You can’t stop thinking about them! You will be setting yourself up for another heartbreak.  FWB scenarios have to be in a reciprocated “sexual friend zone” with limited expectations.
  • Do not venture into this if you decide that maybe you are ready for a committed relationship. Spending time with someone you are only partially involved with, will take away time from meeting someone you could ultimately have a partnership with.
  • You are not right for this type of situation if you get jealous easily or are insecure about friendship sex. (Many women need the intense emotional love connection before they feel comfortable is a sexual partnership.)

What Should The “Friends With Benefits” Rules Include?

  1. You have to have “the talk” immediately, when you decide you are both on board with this type of arrangement. Make sure you both know it is casual with no expectations to have a deeper romantic/love connection.
  2. You also need to talk about how often you will be meeting up. Will it be once a week or once a month?
  3. What are the birth control expectations?
  4. Will you keep it strictly as a bedroom sexual encounter, or will there be an outside date night involved as well?
  5. Will it just be the two of you or will other people be involved? (Yes, you need to ask those questions!)
  6. There needs to be a conversation and a time set up in advance for your next encounter together. (The same way you would organize something with a close friend.) Unless you are OK with a last minute booty call?
  7. Are you are going to be sexually exclusive with them? This should be a reciprocated rule that you are both on the same page with!
  8. You need to respect each other’s time. No last minute bail outs because something or someone else came up. You are not using each other when there is nothing else going on. You generally really like each other and you must treat them as you would want to be treated.
  9. Is it OK to date others at the same time you are in this FWB scenario? Should they tell you if they are dating someone or are you both OK not knowing what each other is doing when they are not with you?

This type of arrangement isn’t a good fit for everyone and I am not sure it will be for you Katie. You said yourself that you’re not sure you can handle the casualness of it all.  You are also still dealing with the insecurities of being cheated on and open relationships such as this type can play on your self esteem.

There is no time limit or pressure to be in a FWB situation so as long as you are honest with your concerns & upfront with him in the beginning, there is no harm in trying it out to see if you can handle this type of arrangement.

If you decide at any time that “friends with benefits” doesn’t fit your lifestyle anymore you need to be courteous and open with your feelings and end things in a respectful manner. Don’t do the ghosting thing and just disappear!

Remember you are friends’ not just lovers.

Sybersue ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show  

Dear Sybersue Facebook

dear_sybersue__caricature01-2

 

Advertisements
My New Girlfriend Only Thinks About Herself Should I move On?

My New Girlfriend Only Thinks About Herself Should I move On?

Dear Sybersue discusses Jacob’s question about his high maintenance girlfriend. He has only been dating her for 2 months but so far everything is ALL about her!

She doesn’t seem to care about what is going on in his life or share conversations as a couple. She is extremely self absorbed and oblivious to anything that doesn’t involve her.

He wants to know if he should just move on?

Please watch the video above to see what Dear Sybersue has to say on the subject. 

Here is a comment from a male viewer on Dear Sybersue’s YouTube Channel about this video: 

Anon amous Reply:
Excellent post and advice. You probably should dump her immediately, but you could use her to become a better person yourself.

I had to laugh. Of course she thinks only about herself, she’s a woman. Particularly, if she’s a woman under 30 years old. If you do date a woman who appears very interested in you, ask yourself why is she so interested in me? What is she looking for? Does she want to find out how much money I have? Does she want to find out my dating history to determine if I am a high value guy? Just because a woman appears interested in you doesn’t mean that she is altruistic, far from it. Particularly, if she is over 30 years old.

Now, if a woman is taking you for granted, you are doing something wrong. She has the impression that she is doing you a favor by dating you. You’ve not made her feel that you are a high value guy, and by high value I mean dominate. Sorry for using the “d” word, but it fits best. If she thought that you were high value, she would be more attentive. Granted, most women in their 20’s don’t even know how to talk about someone else, but she would try harder, and she would do it with a submissive tone and posture.

If she is the only woman you are dating — stop it. Date at least two other women at the same time. If you do this, you probably won’t have to do anything else, because your “vibe” (awful word, but it fits) will change. You will “feel” more dominate and less needy to her and she will become more submissive and attentive.

Use this woman to help change your needy little self. She truly doesn’t value you, because you don’t value you. Start doing things to you, to become less needy and more dominate, and use her reaction to you to measure your success. If she becomes more submissive, you are making progress on yourself. Let her help you to help you (to paraphrase Jerry Maguire). After you become dominate and her submissive, you can keep her along with your other two women of course.

Women don’t want lovers. They want leaders. (Sorry, if there is someone I haven’t offended yet. Let me know what I could say to offend you and I will try harder in the future.)


Dear Sybersue reply

Wow interesting perspective there Anon! Using women and being dominant over them?? If he were to do this then he would be just as bad as her. I say walk away and find someone who respects him, and yes, find out why he allows this type of woman in his life at the same time. Thanks for taking the time to write. 🙂

What would you do in this situation? Please leave your comments below.

Questions for Sybersue? Download the free app and text her 24/7 at http://www.instantgo.com/dearsybersue

Dear Sybersue YouTube

Dear Sybersue Facebook

How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

Dear Sybersue discusses dating issues when it comes to constantly meeting men and women who are commitment phobic!

Dear Sybersue,

Hi Sybersue, I am writing out of pure frustration today to discuss the ever dreaded dating BS of the millennium! I know you have addressed many topics on your YouTube channel but I really want to know how to deal with men who ALL seem to be commitment phobic!

Why are guys even dating if they are not interested in a relationship? Why are they wasting my time? They know I am interested in a partnership and not just a one night stand so why don’t they just go find someone who is into being “their booty call” instead??

I am 23 years old and I have tried dating men of all ages to try to get around this situation. I thought maybe it was just my age group that was the problem, but nope, that’s not the case. It’s an epidemic!

My girlfriends complain about it too, but some of them have been lucky and have found great relationships. What am I missing in the early stages of dating these men and why am I attracting these types who aren’t looking for a committed partnership?

I don’t just give up after the 1st date and try not to be too judgmental too quickly,but the results are the same with all of them so far!

What can I do to meet someone who is sincerely into a commitment without having to go through all the same drama every time I meet a new guy?

Help!

Going Crazy Kristen

Hi Kristen,

This is a popular question that both men and women want answers to. There are plenty of ladies playing the field out there and driving the guys crazy as well. I hear from them all the time here on my advice column.

The trick is to be smart about your dating choices and not spend too much time with men who are not into having a relationship. There are big signs very early on but as you said “you don’t want to be too judgmental too quickly,” so you may be ignoring them.

There is a huge difference between being judgmental and ignoring those big red flags!

You have dated enough to know when a guy is into wanting a relationship or whether he is just there to put another notch on his bed post. Guys aren’t that good at hiding their sexual desires and if you are paying attention, you will see it early so that you can move on a lot faster!

The sooner you remove yourself from this type of men, the sooner you will stop attracting them towards you.

When a new relationship is going in the right direction you don’t have to ask the questions, “Is he interested in me?” “Where is this going?” or “Are we exclusive with each other?” If you have to ask, you need to move on from them.

You should both be in a place where you are on the same page with how you are feeling about each other. Yes, even in the early stages!

You asked why guys are dating if they aren’t into having a relationship and the answer is because there are always women who will give them what they want. (These women are also hoping they will end up in a partnership with them by doing so.)

How often have you thought that maybe you could be the woman who makes them settle down? I think there are many ladies out there that can relate to this statement! There can also be a very powerful chemistry that happens quickly and lures women into a false sense of partnership security.

Kristen, before you jump into bed with anyone you are dating, listen to what he says he wants in his life, watch his body language and keep the chemistry pheromones in check! Many women become very emotionally attached after they are intimate with someone and they get themselves stuck in a dead end scenario that they aren’t happy in.

Also, make sure that you are ready for a relationship. Subconsciously you may not be, and are choosing unavailable men without totally being aware that you are doing this. Make sure you have dealt with the demons of your past partnerships and that there isn’t any unresolved issues that are clouding your dating scenarios.

It’s never too late to do a little emotional housekeeping!

Please watch the video above to see how you can change things up with your dating life and deal with any initial red flags so that you can meet that special person who is also looking for partnership!

Keep me posted Kristen!

Sybersue
Dear_Sybersue__Caricature01 (2)

Please leave your comments below on how you dealt with this type of situation in your life.

Questions for Sybersue? Download the free app and text her 24/7 at http://www.instantgo.com/dearsybersue

Dear Sybersue YouTube
Dear Sybersue Facebook
Blogs & advice column

Relationship Advice for Men: Why Do I Keep Going Back to my Ex?

Relationship Advice for Men: Why Do I Keep Going Back to my Ex?

In today’s weekly video Dear Sybersue answers Brian’s question:

Dear Sybersue,

“Why do I keep going back to my ex? We have one good month and then 5 or 6 bad months together. We break up but then she starts to contact me again  and I go back for more. She lets me back in as if nothing has happened!

It’s like some kind of back and forth game! The problem is I actually really do miss her after awhile and let her talk me into giving our relationship another chance. This has happened 4 times already!

I compromise trying to make things work but she doesn’t reciprocate so then I get fed up again and leave. What is going on and why can’t I just walk away for good? I feel like a pushover!”

Thanks Sybersue, Brian

Please watch the video above to see what Sybersue has to say to Brian and other people who may be in a similar situation. It is not easy to leave a relationship when you have a history together and we all want to be optimists and hang onto the good parts of what we had.

When a partnership starts to become filled with unhealthy drama then it is time to really assess your reasons for staying.

Questions for Sybersue? Download the free app and text Dear Sybersue 24/7 at http://www.instantgo.com/dearsybersue

Dear Sybersue YouTube

Dear Sybersue Facebook

 

How Do I Prevent Losing My Independence in Another Relationship?

How Do I Prevent Losing My Independence in Another Relationship?

Dear Sybersue, 

Why do I keep getting myself into relationships where I lose myself in the process? Why do I end up being there for everything that concerns my partner’s needs while I put myself on the back burner?

This isn’t the first time I have done this and eventually the relationship ends which I assume is due to me being a doormat.  Why can’t I seem to respect myself enough to push my own needs ahead of my partner once in awhile?

Thanks for any advice you have!

Carrie

Hi Carrie,

Thanks so much for your question. There are many other men and women that would like to know the answer to this as well.

Some people are givers and some people are takers and we all know what category you fall into. This is not a bad thing and it just needs to be “tweeked a little” so that your relationship isn’t one sided all the time.

A partner should be an extension of who you are not take away from the person you are.

A great relationship is one where you are both there for each other but you still have your own dreams, goals and separate interests. Of course you should always have each other’s back and support them, but never give up who you are as person for someone else.

Think about this; would you want your partner attached to your hip at every given moment?

After awhile that would get very old and you would start to feel smothered. It is wonderful to have their respect and know that they love you “that much,” but there still needs to be some breathing room in your relationship.

(This also could be a codependent issue where you may need to talk to a therapist about some past issues you may not be aware of or have pushed aside.)

Carrie, you need to get busy with your own life and stop focusing on him so much. Your partner will be much more attracted to you when you are enjoying yourself and adding some diversity to you as a couple.

You will have new things to talk about and to share with each other. It’s not all about just one person and if they are happy or not.

You need to be happy too!

Start making plans to get out a few times a week with friends or take a course that interests you. Mark dates on the calendar so that it forces you to commit to something outside your house that doesn’t involve your partner.

You will notice an improvement in your home life after a short time because it will “center you” and put a new spring in your step because you are doing something worthwhile for you!

Hallelujah!

Your partner will enjoy seeing this side of you and it will slowly start to change the dynamics of who you are as a couple. This is a good thing because you are now in a reciprocated relationship where you “both” have interesting things to talk about.

Please watch the video above and let me know how things go in the next while.

Sybersue ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

How Can I Trust my Judgement in Men When I Was So Wrong in Choosing My Ex?

How Can I Trust my Judgement in Men When I Was So Wrong in Choosing My Ex?

In today’s video Dear Sybersue discusses Cindy’s relationship question:

Dear Sybersue,

“How do I get over a past relationship and learn to trust myself again. How could I have been so wrong with choosing a partner that turned out to be such a bad relationship for me?

How do I trust my own judgement again? This isn’t the first time I have had to deal with this. I don’t want to end up in another drama filled scenario, what can I do to change this?” 

Thank you, Cindy 

Dear Cindy,

Ahhhh if we only had 100% clarity on all things in life…Unfortunately this is not the case and sometimes we are left all alone trying to figure it out;  hopefully without repeating the same continual drama in our lives.

But guess what? You’re not alone!

We ALL go through hurtful stuff but it is how we deal with this steaming pile of crap, that will move us faster up the ladder to “getting where we need to be” in this world of ongoing lessons!

Cindy, you have the ultimate say on who you attract and more importantly with whom you allow into your life as a partner. Saying that; once you take responsibility with the  part you played in this past relationship, it will help you understand these questioning trust issues you have.

You are probably thinking;  “What’s she talking about??? “I didn’t play any games or act any weird way, I was just being myself!” 

I am sure you were just being yourself  but maybe there is something you aren’t really paying close attention to. You might not trust yourself because you are burying a past hurt or you have some long standing emotional issues you have ignored up until now.

If anything in your life is repetitive drama or consists of any toxic behavior you have to fix it! The trouble is, most of us are afraid to open Pandora’s box for fear of what we may find inside about ourselves!

You don’t have to figure this out alone; in fact I would strongly suggest that you don’t.

It may be time to talk to a professional who can help you get to the bottom of the why you have stopped trusting your own judgment and get you onto a healthier path.

The good news is you are acknowledging that there is a problem by writing me and understanding that something needs to change.

Go girl! You are half way there to changing your life. 

Susan McCord (aka Dear Sybersue)

The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Dear Sybersue Facebook

Dear Sybersue Instagram

5 Attributes that Men Really Want in Their Partner

5 Attributes that Men Really Want in Their Partner

Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord (aka Dear Sybersue) gets many questions from her male viewers on her advice column and this topic “5 attributes that men want in their partner” is one of the biggest conversations of all.

Women think all men care about is sex but that isn’t true for most guys. They want a loving relationship just like women do.

They are tired of being categorized and want women to know what is really important to them. Dear Sybersue promised to do this video (above) on behalf of the numerous emails she received on the subject.

Many women have lost hope when it comes to finding a partnership and are incredibly frustrated with the whole dating scenario. Men feel the same way and this is now becoming a big negative environment with both sexes.

As Dr. Phil says “How’s that working for you?”

It’s not right? So what are you going to do; complain about what’s not working or change things up so that they do work?

How Do We Do That Ladies & Gentlemen?

  1. We stop repeating patterns that are causing us drama. Stop going for the unavailable hot bad boys or bad girls would be a great start. This situation is usually very short lived and while you may have one or two nights of wild sizzling sex, it can leave you feeling lonelier that before you dated them.
  2. Don’t give out TMI! Stop telling people every little thing about what makes you tick. Take your time divulging private things about yourself.
  3. Leave a little mystery so they want to find out more about you. I certainly don’t condone playing games with them but hold back some things until you know them better. You don’t even know if you like them yet so don’t give away all your fabulous secrets.
  4. Be authentic to who you are. No one likes to find out 3 months later that what they thought they had in common with you, was just a lie to keep them interested.
  5. No one is better than anyone else so if someone comes up to talk to you when you are out for the evening, acknowledge them. You may be shocked at how much you enjoy talking with them.
  6. Be aware of your body language and how you come across. I can’t believe how many men and women portray “resting bitch face” out there. Smile! 🙂
  7. If you have a bad date don’t become disillusioned with the whole process. Get back out there on a different horse.
  8. Stay positive! No one wants to hang out with Dick or Debbie Downer.
  9. Everyone has insecurities but don’t let them define you so that you sabotage a potential partnership.
  10. Be kind to everyone all the time. There is no room for arrogance, self entitlement, being high maintenance or too picky!
  11. Real love doesn’t come easy and is worth the wait. Be a little more patient and embrace all new opportunities that come your way. If it were too easy to find it wouldn’t be special would it?
  12. Lose the 12 page checklist. That person doesn’t exist!
  13. You have your own life so don’t lose sight of that by making someone your whole world. Don’t lose your identity to be with someone else.
  14. Be careful not to become a texting stalker. Too much too soon is a big turnoff.
  15. Learn from you dating mistakes, don’t repeat them, own your part in what didn’t work and always listen to your instincts.

While there are definitely some hurdles with dating in the millennium, they are things that are pretty cool as well. Social media tools can bring us together in a much bigger way if we use them correctly.

Life is not meant to be easy but it is how you handle “those annoying curveballs” that will bring you closer to being centered and present so that you can be the best YOU!

The quicker you move on from those obvious red flags will be when your new journey begins. When you meet that loving person to share your life with there are no deep dark questions. It just fits and flows beautifully. There is no drama and there are no BS games to deal with.

We all want love in our life and there is someone for everyone once we change our attitude and believe we deserve it.

Please leave your comments below and subscribe to The Dear Sybersue YouTube Channel! ❤

Thank you,

Sybersue

The Dear Sybersue Advice Talk Show
Facebook Dear Sybersue
Dear Sybersue Instagram
Dear Sybersue Blogs & Advice Column