My Ex and I Are Living Together For the Sake of the Kids. How do we make this work?

My Ex and I Are Living Together For the Sake of the Kids. How do we make this work?

Dear Sybersue is an Informative and very REAL dating relationship coach and advice columnist for men & women!

In today’s blog post and video I answer Sherry’s question:

Dear Sybersue

My Ex and I are living together for the sake of the kids. How do we make this work? We don’t have the money to live separately right now as I am not working. Our kids are still little and my Ex and I decided before we had children that I would stay home with them.

How can I live with him and not go crazy at the same time? We having been cohabitating this way for a year now!

How do I have a fulfilling life while I am still with him?

I am so ready to move on from our marriage but this living together scenario is cramping any chance I have of doing that! The kids don’t know a lot about what’s going on and we just go through the day trying not to argue with each other.  We just don’t get along and seeing him every day just makes me resent him even more.

How do I deal with this and keep myself in a positive space?

Sherry

Dear Sherry,

This “type of living arrangement” is way more common than you might think. With rent and housing increases creeping uncontrollably into our financial resources, it is causing a big problem with many people today!

Singles are now forced to take on a roommate or a home stay student just so they can eat and clothe themselves. Throw a few kids into the mix and it is borderline poverty for many single parents.

The priority for you right now Sherry is to get back out in the work field so you are not reliant on your Ex.

Maybe try something part time while you figure out daycare and adjust to working again. I am not sure what expertise you have but maybe you could start a home business of some sort so you could still be with the kids most of the time.

Talk to some other single moms who may be in the same boat and maybe you can collaborate on some business ideas or at least take turns with babysitting to cut daycare costs down. It would also do you good to get out and be around some adults once in awhile so you are not only dealing with your ex and the children.

You need some outside stimulation to keep your hope and motivation alive. The kids will pick up on your growing resentment towards your ex husband which isn’t healthy for them. You can only fake things for so long!

Have a mature talk with your Ex and figure out a future plan that works for both of you. One of you has to move out!

Take turns having nights out away from each other and the children. Do not fight in front of the kids or talk negatively about each other either. They love both of you even if you have called it quits on loving each other as a couple.

Give yourself a “time line” so it forces you to keep focused on improving your new life ahead and starting over with a fresh attitude. When you can actually visualize the rainbow, the pot of gold will follow.

Don’t give up on your personal happiness and keep taking small steps to change up your scenario. It won’t happen overnight but having weekly goals will definitely bring you closer to moving on to a better place.

Wishing you well and please keep me posted on what you decide to do. ❤

Dear Sybersue ❤

I Love to hear from you! Has this happened to you and how did you deal with this scenario? Please watch the video above and leave your comments below!

Susan McCord @ Dear Sybersue YouTubeDear Sybersue Facebook

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She Blew off our First Date Last Minute! Do I Give Her Another Chance?

She Blew off our First Date Last Minute! Do I Give Her Another Chance?

In today’s video above I discuss Mark’s question about a girl he met online who blew off their first date last minute without even giving him a reason! He wants to know if he should give her another chance and set up another date.

Why is dating in the millennium so difficult and why is there so little respect for other people’s time? 

The biggest problem with meeting someone online is you are not the only person they are communicating with. This leads to fickle behavior due to the other options available! You may be texting them regularly and then all of a sudden things come to a sudden halt between you both for no damn reason that you can see!

This becomes very difficult to deal with and takes a big toll on your self esteem!

Some men and women become addicted to “but what if there is someone better out there,” and keep their dating profile as active as a pin ball machine for fear of missing out on an even better conquest that just might meet there extreme checklist.

The trouble with all of this is that people are lonelier than ever today because there are so many games being played; which sabotages anyone finding a real relationship!

Mark isn’t the only one confused on what to do when someone ghosts you on a date but if you always respect yourself first and pay attention to the early red flags in any dating situation, then you will bring yourself closer to eventually meeting the right person.

The more crap you allow in your life the more crap that seems to happen right?

When you stop giving the wrong people numerous chances to keep proving how wrong they are for you, then you have learned a valuable life lesson!

Don’t pine over someone who ghosted you. You really didn’t know them anyway. Thank “The Universe” that it saved you from having to deal with all the drama that would have certainly unfolded with this person.

You dodged a lot more than a little rejection from someone who obviously is void of human etiquette.

I definitely give my opinion on this question but what would you do? Please watch the video above and leave your comments below!

Dear Sybersue

Susan McCord @  The Dear Sybersue Advice Talk Show YouTube
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Why Do I Allow My Partner to Hurt Me Over & Over?

Why Do I Allow My Partner to Hurt Me Over & Over?

In today’s weekly blog and video upload I discuss a question from Ellie. She wants to know how to move on from a partnership that is continuously hurtful.

Dear Sybersue,

Why do I keep going back to someone who doesn’t treat me right? Why am I addicted to this person and why can’t I respect myself more in my relationships?

How do I stop being stuck, move on and forgive myself for allowing this behavior from my partner?

He is sarcastic, ridiculing and cuts me down all the time. He breaks up with me for the smallest things and then starts texting me 6 months (or longer) later as if nothing has happened.  Like a fool I keep letting him back into my life!

What’s wrong with me? He isn’t healthy for me!

I need to end things now!

Ellie

Hi Ellie,

Well you are right that you are attracted/addicted to his bad behavior but the good news is that you aren’t in denial about it anymore!

You didn’t mention anything about your past so it is difficult to know your complete story and where your self esteem issues are coming from. There is something buried deep inside of you that thinks you deserve this type of treatment.

A Few Questions to Ask Yourself:

  1. Was there love in your childhood and are you close to your parents & siblings?
  2. Are your parents together or divorced?
  3. Were you bullied in school or did you feel unpopular?
  4. Are you shy and introverted?
  5. Did you deal with a really bad break up previous to your relationship with this man?
  6. Have you experienced any physical abuse?
  7. How often have you had a similar type of partnership such as this; you asked: “why can’t I respect myself more in my relationships?”  Which means this isn’t the first time you have coped with this unhealthy scenario.
  8. Have you ever felt abandoned by anyone in your life?

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Whenever you feel really stuck in any type of hurtful behavioral pattern I strongly suggest seeing a therapist

This isn’t usually isn’t something you can handle by yourself due to the longevity of the problem.  It often needs a professional set of ears to gain some clarity as to what is transpiring within your thought process.

 

You made the effort to write to me so you it sounds like you are ready to make some changes in your life.

It is really important for you to understand that you are in charge of who you’re attracting towards you and it is up to you to change what isn’t working. You have to “get that” for things to improve in your life.

Let me know how things go for you Ellie and thanks for writing!

Sybersue ❤

Please watch the video above for a more detailed answer on this question!

I Love to hear from you all & will always take time to answer you back. Please leave your comments below!

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Susan McCord @Dear Sybersue YouTube

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My Ex Keeps Texting and Wants to See me Before He gets Married!

My Ex Keeps Texting and Wants to See me Before He gets Married!

Here is a question from MK that has me shaking my head. Why does this even happen and where do some people get the balls to do this?

Dear Sybersue,

After two long years of trying to get over my ex and then dealing with his engagement to a woman 8 months ago, he has recently started contacting me again. I was crushed when I heard he had met someone a year ago and was getting married so quickly after only knowing her for 4 months!

NOW my Ex keeps texting me and wants to see me before he gets married!

Why is he doing that when he is supposedly committed to another woman? His texts are very flirty and somewhat sexually suggestive.

It took me so long to get over him and now he is stirring things up emotionally for me.

How do I handle this?

MK

Please watch the video above to hear what I have to say about MK’s Question. Has this type of scenario happened to you?

Please leave your comments below!

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Susan McCord aka Dear Sybersue

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Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People to Date?

Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People to Date?

What is wrong with me and why do I keep repeating these same dating patterns?

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Social media and computer dating is becoming the norm with how people interact these days. Mingle meet up groups are trying to make a comeback but people still seem to be stuck to their smart phones rather than being open to meeting in person!

People are lonelier than ever because of how some of these dating websites seem to attract superficial men and women who are just out to play games.

There are some happy endings that eventually transpire but why are there so many more stories that don’t work out?  Why do some people keep enticing a certain negative “type” into their existence,  which continually puts them back out into the dating pool?

If you have met a lot of these unfavorable types, you are doing something to attract them towards you.

Regardless of whether you believe in “The Law of Attraction” there is something to it. Negativity attracts negativity.  Everyone is entitled to finding love, but if you are always repeating the same unfulfilling scenario, how is it beneficial in the long run?

There are many women who only meet “Bad Boys” because they are allowing them to keep coming into their life. For some reason they think it is exciting to be treated like crap.

There are also men that only meet pretentious, materialistic hot women, because they are choosing “her looks” as the top priority.  The end result is both sexes are constantly complaining about each other!

Going for the same brand of person which keeps backfiring into a non-existent love life takes years for some people to figure out. “Changing the pattern will change who you meet.” As simple as that sounds it seems to be the biggest mistake men and women repeatedly make.

Why is that?

Many people react out of anger when something happens that is repetitive and unrewarding in their life. This annoying cycle continues because they don’t understand that they are in denial of their own actions!

When a person becomes jaded or angry about the same thing over and over again, wouldn’t it make sense to investigate why it is affecting them to that level?

I see it all the time on the comment section under some YouTube videos.  So many men and women continually vent their frustrations about the same subject, rather than learning how to deal with why it bothers them so much.

This is especially true regarding both sexes in the dating market. If something isn’t working, isn’t it a good idea to fix it rather than bitching about it to anyone who will listen?

No one wants to hear it except for a few others who are also angry about the same thing.  Misery loves company and saying that, I rest my case…negativity attracts more negativity.

Is it really easier to constantly complain about some things that cause drama in your life than to find a solution that betters your world?

We are all guilty of sounding like a broken record at some point in our lives but the people who quickly understand how dangerously repetitive this is, are the ones who move on to find happiness.

If your love-life sucks, be honest about the part you play in it.

I can’t stress enough that we are all in charge of how our lives evolve and that ultimately the choices we make are ours. Yes, we all land in the school of hard knocks while finding out who we are, but the sooner we learn and own the lesson, the faster we move on to a healthier foundation.

So stop repeating the same old story and quit talking about what you don’t want in your life. Talk about a future relationship like you won a lottery!  Think about all those wonderful things you would be able to do and how positive you would feel with less stress and more love in your life.

Thinking happy thoughts and keeping hope alive helps put out positive vibrations that eventually boomerang back towards you.

There is enough love out there for everyone and you deserve it just as much as anyone else does. You don’t ever have to settle for an unhealthy situation so quit allowing yourself to choose them. ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Advice Talk Show

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My 35 Year Old Boyfriend Parties Constantly! Will he Ever Grow up?

My 35 Year Old Boyfriend Parties Constantly! Will he Ever Grow up?

Christian’s question today is a popular one with the ladies!

Dear Sybersue,

My 35 year old boyfriend parties constantly!  We have been together for 2 years and it’s always been one big non-stop booze fest. He either has the guys over 4 nights a week, goes to their houses or we have to attend another party somewhere for someone’s birthday or an event that seems to happen for any basic occasion.

I am 33 years old and ready to start planning my future in a responsible way.

I am so tired of all the booze fed evenings that resemble the reality TV show Vanderpump Rules! There is an endless amount of  shooters that always end in a drama filled late night!

The next day involves a major hang over, infused with one Hell of a lot of memory loss and eating junk food until the same type of evening starts all over again

My boyfriend knows how much this bothers me but he always says that “We only live once and we are still young and should enjoy it now.” “We can save money later!”

To avoid another argument with him, I have started to make excuses why I can’t attend these drunken nights anymore but it is difficult because I really do love him. He thinks I am being way too serious and that we have plenty of time to be responsible.

We both have great jobs that we love, but how long is he going to be able to hold on to his when he shows up at work smelling like a tequila shooter or brewery? He has started to call in sick more often and shows up late constantly because he’s so tired from partying until 2 am on a weeknight!

Writing all this down I can see how bad things have become in our relationship and I know what I probably should do.  Is there any hope for us at all?

What would you do Sybersue?

Christian P.

Dear Christian,

Well you are right that it sounds like a Vanderpump Rules episode! I can see why you are so frustrated because it seems to be the normal way of life for so many people in their 20’s and 30’s today!

I have no idea why they would be allowed to glorify these drunk fests on a TV show! Ratings I guess…

Glorified or not, it’s not OK to party this much and still have a healthy lifestyle or LIVER! 

You are right about the drama that arises from these evenings as the excessive alcohol brings out the clawed cat in many of us. The more someone drinks the more they can handle, which then turns into an addiction that needs to be fed.

Let’s not forget to mention how much money is spent on these nights out! I am always hearing how millennials complain they will never own a house and they’ve got that right!  If their priorities are in party mode,  we know how much bottle service and fancy restaurants cost!

It is not unusual for many young people to have $300+ nights every time they step out for the evening. How could you possibly save any money for a house?

You are right to be concerned about your future with him Christian because at 35 years old he should already have been putting money away as an investment. You said you love him but are you sure it’s enough? It doesn’t sound like you do much together except go to expensive social events, so how will that help your relationship grow in the future?

You need to have the big talk with him and not just pull away doing your own thing while he continues on this destructive path. It’s time to put on those big girl panties and do what’s right for you. Tell him what is important to you and if he is willing to change things up and prioritize his future with you and his finances, then maybe you can salvage your partnership.

If he can’t compromise in the next month with his partying ways then you will have no choice but to move on in a different direction.

You can’t make someone change, but you can offer a solution that could help him see that what he is doing is a dead end scenario. It’s up to him how he handles it and to show you how important you are to him.

You have invested 2 years into this relationship and that is enough time to see if there is a healthy future with him. If he is doesn’t want to alter his present lifestyle and is happy  with the life he is living, then you know there isn’t room in his heart to give you what you want anymore.  His priorities aren’t you.

Sybersue ❤

Please watch the video at the top of this post! Please leave your comments below! I will always take time to answer you back.

Susan McCord @

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Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

How many of you women out there have had to deal with this scenario? “Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?”

Dear Sybersue,

Things have changed so much in the last few months between my boyfriend and I! He seems to be angry about something but won’t open up completely with me. I am not sure whether he is internalizing a problem and trying to deal with it on his own, or whether he is slowly pulling back from our relationship??

I don’t want to keep harassing him with questions and I am hoping that this is just a moody phase that will fizzle out. His defensiveness is very disturbing as it seems to be the way he reacts to anything I ask him or even with the simplest conversations I have with him!

Is he questioning our relationship and doesn’t have patience with us as a couple anymore? How do I handle this without becoming defensive myself? We live together and I get a little anxious about coming home these days.

Thanks Sybersue

Teri 

Hi Teri,

Yes, things have definitely shifted in your partnership. He is holding onto something that has happened either to himself or within the dynamics of you as a couple. Can you think of anything that transpired a few months ago when his defensive attitude started?

Did you have a situation where the trust in your relationship was tarnished to some degree? A jealous scenario maybe? Is he having trouble at work that he may be hiding from you?

Whatever is going on with him you can’t live this way forever.

He needs to tell you what is he feeling so that you can try to fix the problem together or move on so that you can both be happy. Chalking it up to him being in a moody phase isn’t good because you are taking a back seat to the respect you deserve! You are a couple and it’s not just all about him.

Having to walk on eggshells around your partner is not a healthy environment and will play havoc on your self-esteem! 

I would ask him the tough questions that you may not have asked for fear of hearing something you don’t want to hear. Don’t live in denial!

If there has been a change of heart in your partnership, do you  really want to spend another few years with someone who has removed himself romantically and emotionally from you?

Communication is everything in a relationship and because your boyfriend has shut down, he is pushing you further away with every defensive comment. That isn’t fair to you and he needs to be honest and share what he is thinking and feeling with you as his partner.

Maybe you could suggest a counselor or coach that you could go to as a couple or he might prefer to go on his own for a few sessions first? If he has no interest in repairing or acknowledging this defensive problem, then you will have to make some tough decisions for yourself.

Don’t let someone else’s moods dictate your own happiness, you’re worth more than that. You shouldn’t have to feel anxious in your own home.

Let me know how things go Teri. Please keep me posted!

Sybersue ❤

Please watch the video above for more advice on this question.

What do you think? Please leave your thoughts below to help others who may have had to deal with this!

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sybersue xoxo ❤

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