How Do I Stop Being Lonely after My Breakup without having to be in a Social Setting?

How Do I Stop Being Lonely after My Breakup without having to be in a Social Setting?

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Dear Sybersue,

I am a 38 year old attractive woman.  My husband left our 14 year marriage 9 months ago & I have tried so many things to move on but sometimes I just can’t get out of the house due to the deep sadness I feel.

I am overwhelmed with how lonely I am and very aware that I am sabotaging my happiness by being stuck in this place of isolation.  I just don’t want to be a Debbie Downer around people and I can’t fake my moods for long.

I find it easier just to be by myself and hope that this debilitating heart break goes away soon! I am so tired of crying and want to erase the vision of my husband out with all our friends and his new & much younger girlfriend!

Our relationship seemed pretty good for the most part and we had sex occasionally but I did notice we barely talked anymore & did minimal things together as a couple. One night he just looked at me across the dinner table and said “I am not happy here anymore, too much has changed.” That was it!  He packed a suitcase and left that night.

I think he must have been seeing this other woman before he left our marriage as I really don’t think he would have had the courage to leave and to be alone.  He hasn’t been single since he was 17 and is now 42 years old!

What do you suggest I do to get past the loneliness so I can also start to live a joyful life? What am I doing wrong and why are most our friends on his side? That hurts almost as much as the break up itself!!

Thanks for whatever advice you have for me Sybersue!

Lauren H.

Hi Lauren,

Thank you for your email! I had a similar question at my ladies meet up group the other evening. This is a question so many women have due to the abruptness of how their relationship ended. The “blindsiding” way it was handled is the main reason for this.

“How could he just leave with a one line statement like it’s been talked about 100 times? I had no clue!”

Many men & women do not have any idea that their partners are unhappy or planning to leave the marital home.  Sometimes it is a denial thing but more often it is due to the couple’s lack of communication & not paying attention to each other’s needs. They stop listening to each other!

Of course only you know the answer as to what went on behind closed doors and that may be something you need to delve into to gain some closure.

In the meantime you need to change your thoughts! You are consumed with what is going on in your husband’s life and it is taking over every moment of your day. This is unhealthy and keeps you in a long term form of grieving.

How to Stop Being Lonely without having to be in a Social Environment:

  1. Put away any photos or reminders of your EX in the house, on your computer or your phone.
  2. Stop talking to the friends who do not have your back or who just want to call you to gossip about your Ex.
  3. Take him off your Facebook/Social Media so you can’t see how much fun he “seems” to be having without you!
  4. Start your day by watching something funny on YouTube or your favorite social media site. Funny animal videos always help me when I am feeling down. Build up to at least an hour per day. (That’s one hour less that you think about him!)
  5. Find a regular exercise TV show that you can follow in your home. Yoga is great & is also a form of meditation where your mind is focused only on the positive. Make this a daily routine.  It will not only release your sad mindset, it will make you look good. We all know when you look good, you feel good too. ❤
  6. Write out a list of the things that “weren’t right” in your marriage. Now that you have had 9 months to look back & process your 14 years together, there must have been some red flags or things that were missing.  It’s not all about what your husband was feeling! Maybe you weren’t that happy either.
  7. Work on a project. Maybe it is a hobby that you let go of years ago or try something completely new! Learn how to write a blog, experiment with photography, cooking new recipes & sharing them on Instagram. Everything is at your fingertips on Google!
  8. Change up your home with new paint or a few pieces of furniture! Get rid of that damn bed you slept in together or at least throw out the sheets and get some new ones.
  9. Try out some new makeup & hair ideas by watching video tutorials so that when you are ready to venture back out socializing you will have a new vamped up look!
  10. Read some motivating blogs that help you deal with breakups and divorce.
  11. Take a peek at some online dating sites or local meet up groups you can join at a later date.

It takes two people to be in a relationship and usually two people to end it as well. Own your part in why things changed so much between you & your husband. Why did you stop talking & why did you feel it was OK not to stay on a communicative level.

Relationships take work & need to be nurtured. Sometimes we take them for granted & forget that.

It’s OK to take time for yourself before you feel like putting yourself out there when you are dealing with a divorce; in fact it is healthy because you are taking time to heal. You are allowed to feel your emotions and the pain of your marriage ending. It was real to you and isn’t something you take lightly.

It is always difficult when you feel like you were replaced so quickly by another woman but your husband will have his time when he reflects on your 14 years together. No one gets through a divorce without having to deal with some form of pain or regret.

Unfortunately friendships can change with a breakup and I understand your sadness when it comes to why you don’t want to be social right now. Who do you trust, who is really there for you and were these people ever your real friends?

The people who are there for you will not play both sides of the fence. They will support you and NOT pretend everything is OK. They will be genuinely concerned about you & want to help you through this heart break. They will not be out partying right away with the new girl like nothing has happened.

Things will change for you in the next few months if you follow some of those 11 tips above. The more you do for yourself, the less rejection you will feel. You’re amazing self is still in there somewhere and I will bet there is an even better version of you to come!

Wishing you love & happiness on your new path.

Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

 

My Ex Wants to be Friends While he is Dating the Girl Who he Cheated With!

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How do you explain to your ex that you cannot be friends while they date the person they cheated on you with? (Original post on Quora)

Susan McCord
Susan McCord, Susan McCord is a Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Talk Show Host &Published Author

I noticed how you said “while” they date the person they cheated on you with. Why would you want to be friends with a man that has no respect for you, whether he is with this woman or not? We all get that forgiveness is a part of healing, but it doesn’t mean you have to be friends or keep him in your life after he blatantly cheated on you.

He wants to be friends with you because it helps him relieve his guilt but that has nothing to do with your feelings, it’s about him. He also may be keeping you in the background in case he wants to rekindle something later on or keep the new girl feeling insecure.

Hurtful relationships are the stepping stones to a better place, but first you have to learn the lessons as to why you were with someone.

  • What did you learn about your time with them?
  • Was there something about yourself that needed to be woken up?
  • What attracted you towards him in the beginning?
  • Are you drawn to bad boys?
  • Were you shown love as a child?
  • Do you base a relationship primarily on how much sexual chemistry you have with them?
  • Was he with someone else when you met him?

The red flags are usually right in front of us early on in a relationship but many people choose to ignore them. He did you a favor by showing you his true colors and the more often you remove yourself from people who hurt you or use you, the sooner you will meet the people who should be in your life.

Oh and by the way… you do not have to explain anything to him. His actions towards you said it all.

Give your energy & love to people who appreciate you. ❤

I did this video a short time ago that you may want to see about relationships.

“Love Gone Wrong Could be Something you Needed to Learn about Yourself”

How Do I Get Close to a Girl who Just Got Dumped By Her Boyfriend?

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Quora Question:

The Girl I Like (and have for more than 1.5 years) got dumped by her boyfriend a week ago. When would it be appropriate to try to get closer to her?

I am aware if the fact that she is obviously heavily affected by the ordeal, and thus I don’t want to do anything that may do more harm than good, for her especially. It should also be mentioned that we know each other from university, and I’ve gone out for coffee with her a few times.

Dear Sybersue’s Answer:

Continue to be her friend but don’t be aggressively available. You don’t want her to start relying on you to help her through her heartbreak on a daily basis because If there is a chance for romance between the two of you down the road, you need her to see you that way and not as her buddy.

You also don’t want to be a “short term rebound” if she becomes lonely and ends up being intimate with you when she is not ready for a new relationship. This can make her run quickly in the opposite direction as she is still dealing with the emotional aftermath of her breakup. Don’t be a guinea pig on the path to her heart healing. You want to stand out in a different way!

Give her a few months to deal with her sadness and then be honest with how you feel about her. You have already liked her for 18 months and if there is a chance for you as a couple, you need to tell her. You don’t need to spend another year waiting for her to notice you.

Put it out there and maybe she also feels something for you too but doesn’t think you are interested in her romantically.

Don’t let her be the one that got away. ❤

Link to Original Question on Quora

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

 

Single? Ladies Don’t be Sad on Valentine’s Day

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Dear Sybersue,

Oh God, it’s that dreadful time of year again where I feel even lonelier than every other day of the year being single. February 14th and all the romantic hype is a reminder of how alone I really am!  It is a very depressing day for me.

I am a 28 year old fairly attractive outgoing woman living in Toronto and in desperate need of some advice on how to get through the “wrath of cupid” every year on this day!

Help!

Single Samantha

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤  ❤

Dear Samantha,

I have this conversation with women all the time and I am sure single guys probably feel the void as well but just don’t vocalize it.

The one thing I always did when I was single on Valentines’ Day was to go out & socialize! “Screw Cupid, he can shove the arrow right up his a#s!” I usually went to a lounge or Pub that had less of a romantic setting with pool tables, dart boards & other manly attractions.

It was interesting to see how many other people showed up as well! You are pretty much guaranteed that everyone who is not with a partner in the room on Valentine’s Day…is single! That can be a great time to meet someone!

Going out for a coffee or a movie with a girlfriend is also a great way to not give into the BS of February 14th only being a date night! Don’t be afraid to be seen without a man on your arm. Go out and show your confidence on this annoying relationship celebration! You are proud to be single and not settling with someone just to be in a couple’s scenario. You are waiting for real love! ❤  

Hibernating and feeling sad at home means you are giving into this holiday stereotype and letting Hallmark & other marketing scams work their financial rewards. Be a rebel and stand tall!

You are a fantastic person whether you are single or not. Do not ever let a relationship define who you are!

Being single has many benefits that a lot of married people will occasionally yearn for!

Here are 12 things to think about that will help you deal with Feb 14th

  1. You can do whatever you want whenever you want & be spontaneous!
  2. Girl’s night out can happen often and without having to plan it 2-3 weeks in advance or without having to get permission from a partner.
  3. It doesn’t matter what goes on in Vegas ~ you can be as bad as you want!
  4. You can order “take out” every night and never use your oven!
  5. You don’t have to shave your legs or get a Brazilian & you can wear your comfortable “big girl panties” without being judged!
  6. You can watch, The Bachelor, The Young & Restless, The Breakup or any chick flick you want! You are in charge of the remote!
  7. You don’t have to watch Dick Flicks!
  8. You can put a 6 pack of beer in the fridge on Friday and there will be 4 bottles left on Monday!
  9. You have complete control of the house temperature & the bed covers!
  10. Your toilet seat will always remain in the downward position.
  11. Your newspaper/magazines will never end up in the bathroom & remain on the coffee table completely intact.
  12. The only snoring or farting you hear will be your own. 🙂

 Now get off the couch Samantha, be proud you are single & go out for a fun Valentine’s Day!

❤ Hugs & hearts, Sybersue ❤

Relationships: My Girlfriend is Losing Interest! What Should I do?

Relationships: My Girlfriend is Losing Interest! What Should I do?

Dear Sybersue:

My girlfriend of 2 months is starting to pull away from me with no reason that I can think of. She just started not returning my texts and saying she was busy all the time. We started out so well and everything just clicked between us!

She is 38 ( I am 35) and has dated a lot over the years but has never really had a long term boyfriend. I did see a few things early on that made me question her commitment to me but I didn’t pressure her with questions and just kept things going in a non-aggressive way so that she had some space.

Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be working and I feel her moving further and further away from me.

I have fallen pretty hard for her! What should I do?

Cory B.

Hi Cory B,

Thanks for your question and I can tell you that you are not alone with this inquiry! I have had 5 similar emails in the last few months from both men & women.

It is a confusing time in the land of dating & relationships and there are more mixed signals than ever before! Part of the reason for this is the lack of real communication skills many people have from spending so much time online, rather that in a face to face scenario.

When we finally meet someone that excites us we go “all in” like a Texas holdem poker game betting on something we don’t know the outcome of but looks really good at the time!

Taking a chance on love is a good thing but we have to be smart and listen to our instincts before we invest our heart fully into this person we don’t know yet.

You said there were a few red flags that you noticed early on but you chose to sweep them aside. You also said she hasn’t had any real committed partnerships. Do you know why this is?  Have you actually asked her why she is pulling back?

When love is real there aren’t a lot of questions or any game playing. That is because there is a reciprocated respect for each other.

It is not your place to try to fix her or spend years trying to figure out why may be commitment phobic. All you can do is be honest with how you feel and if she is not into a relationship she needs to tell you.

The 3-6 month mark in a relationship is usually when things either start to improve or dissolve between a couple. If you are questioning everything between the two of you after 2 months together, you may already have your answer with which direction you are headed towards.

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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Dear Sybersue: Women are Fake and Only into Using Men!

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Hi Sybersue,

I know this email is not going to be pleasant but then I don’t feel like sugar coating my feelings right now!

I am angry and so fed up with fake women! I am starting to dislike the entire female population! What gives them the right to treat men like sh*t and then just walk away when they have used you for whatever they can get out of you?

I am a decent looking guy who makes a good living, but the women I meet are all takers & only into money or status! I meet women online and in social settings and I can honestly lump them all into the same category regardless of the environment.

I know I vented on your YouTube channel about this and I apologize for being a hot head but I just can’t take the BS women are handing out to men these days. I am not the only one who feels this way & it is a regular conversation with my buddies as well.

What the Hell is going on & why have women changed so much?  I just want to meet a woman who knows how to put her man first and appreciate who he is without so much judgement or expectations.

Thanks Sue

Brad85

Dear Brad85,

Hi Brad! OK since you decided to be blunt here on my advice column & my YouTube Channel I will give you the same courtesy.

Your anger is repelling the “amazing women” away from you and bringing you more of what you don’t want in your life because of it. You are repeating a pattern rather than learning from something that isn’t working for you.

Why do you think it should be so easy to meet someone to share your life with?

We usually marry only once in our lifetime so the odds of going through some undesirable dating, is pretty normal I would say. The trick here though Brad; is not to repeat spending time with the same type of women. There is something that you are doing to attract these “money hungry user” girls into your existence.

You say women have changed but maybe it is you who needs to change as well.

Haven’t you noticed when you write angry things on YouTube that you get more angry comments in return? Whether they are against you or for you, the comments are still in the anger mode.

Well… that is what you are also projecting in “face to face” social settings. It is like you are looking for these demanding women to prove your point.

You said you don’t like judgmental women so don’t lump all women into the judgmental “same category!” Try dating someone completely different from your usual selection; because I will bet you have a predetermined female type that you are not even aware of.

BOTH men and women have changed over the years and it is up to us individually, who we allow into our lives.

You must be a pro at seeing the “high maintenance red flags” so move on quickly when you see them. Read between the lines on dating profiles and look closely at their photos. The old cliché “pictures are worth a thousand words” is very true in the Millennium! (15 sexy selfies would be your first clue.)

It sounds like you want love in your life or you wouldn’t have written me in frustration, so in order for it to come to you; your mindset has to change to believe you can have it.

Women will not use you if you don’t let them use you.

Stop sabotaging things and try to have a positive outlook towards women. Lose the attitude that all women are the same; because I can assure you they are not! The minute you start understanding that is when the right one will be drawn towards you.

Think about it; would you be attracted to a woman who is angry?

Try these 5 Things to Help Change Up Your Love Life:

  • Watch your body language. Be Open & Friendly.
  • Watch what you say and do all the time! Be aware of how you come across.
  • Stop putting out any negative thoughts.
  • Broaden your friendship circle with positive people only.
  • Know that you are a great guy worthy of a loving partnership.

The less time you spend saying how things aren’t working, the more things will start to work and come together for you in the future. It’s not working for you this way so why not try a different approach?  It really is a much happier place to be.

Keep me posted & let me know how things are going. I think you will be writing me back soon with some good news!

Sybersue ❤

What do you think about Brad’s comments?                                                                            What other suggestions would you have for him? 

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show 

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Dear Sybersue ~ Why Do I Always Meet Manipulative Girls Who Treat Me Like Sh#t?

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Dear Sybersue,

I always seem to meet lying and manipulative girls who treat me like shit even though I’m a great guy.

Why is that?

I  recently gave the same girl 3 different chances to stop treating me like crap, yet she was soon back to her old ways. This has happened numerous times with other women I have dated. I don’t understand girls, why are they all like this?

Thanks for your feedback!

MN

Dear MN,

Not all women are like this, just the ones you are dating at the moment. I would be curious to see what these girls look like. You may be prioritizing the physical attraction & ignoring the red flags of their true character on the first few dates. When we are sexually drawn to someone we tend to let a lot of things slide in the beginning & overlook obvious warning signs.

Giving someone 3 chances “to be a good person” is too many.  They should be wonderful right from the start & treat you well or you need to walk away.

You are sending off some signal for these type of women to notice you & you may want to analyze that to some degree. I’m not sure how old you are but we do tend to deal with this scenario a lot more in our early twenties than any other time in our life. This is the experimental stage of life &  there can be lots of emotional scaring while we are learning about ourselves and what we truly want in our lives.

Attracting & choosing this type of woman can also stem from an abandonment issue, an unloving childhood situation or bad role models. (Or in many cases, no role models and little guidance in your youth.)

Talk to someone non-judgmental that you can really trust & confide in and maybe they can help you see a pattern that you have created. It is difficult to see these traits in ourselves but the sooner we know why we are repeatedly dating the wrong people is the day we can find real love and a happy relationship.

Having boundaries, believing you are worthy of love and always respecting yourself first, will eventually stop these girls from coming towards you.

Thanks for writing MN,

Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show