advice coumnist Susan McCord

Sex, Libido, Marriage & Relationships in the Millennium
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Sex, Libido, Marriage & Relationships in the Millennium

 

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Married/committed couples & singles are re-shaping their lives in all areas; regardless of approaching milestone birthdays. “Forty is the new thirty” and people finally understand they don’t have to give into the stereotyping of certain age groups.

They are re-evaluating their options from careers to relationships and making the necessary changes. This can have a scary impact on many relationships out there!

Gone are the days where many people stayed in an unhealthy scenario!

Wedding vows today are broken way too often and no longer sacred with the intent that the couple will be together forever.

With the divorce rate on the incline some couples are getting nervous about becoming the next ones who will be walking down this statistical plank! It doesn’t help that we have access to so many social media stories and reality TV shows that emphasize just how bad the statistics really are!

What can we do about it to change this trending dilemma?

Couples need to understand that when you are married or monogamously committed and no longer out in the dating market, it is even MORE important to put continual effort into your communication skills, appearance and sex life!

Sex is a huge part of the relationship glue and if it is ignored for any length of time it can be the end of the special “pheromone bond” you once shared and could be the demise of your partnership.

How often have you heard people complaining that after they got married and the honeymoon “time frame” ended that sex became less frequent and mundane? There is no playful forbidden fruit, spontaneous rendezvous or the excitement that a sexual partner brings in the early stages of a new relationship. We are all on our best sexual behavior!

Why does that have to dramatically change so that romance & sex becomes somewhat repetitive and in some cases almost non-existent?

Being romantically creative in your marriage or committed partnership will keep the fires burning a lot longer and turn vanilla sex into a hot fudge sundae!

I have coached many women who had lost interest in sex due to the repetitive expectations of their partners and lack of enticing foreplay. Once they finally communicated their concerns openly and discussed how it was ruining their relationship, things started to heat up and change for the better under those 300 thread count sheets; because the men listened.

Why are so Many Couples Separating Later in Life?

The popular 50’s Marilyn Monroe movie “The 7 Year Itch” seems to have been replaced by 20th Anniversary marriage break-ups in the millennium today. There are more and more people newly single in their late 40’s and 50’s than ever before!

In the days of our grandparents, people stayed together because of financial limitations and old school traditions. Today things have changed and both sexes have careers and are now on a more equal footing and don’t feel as trapped. It is more common to see couples both working due to economic struggles of mortgages and child expenses. It is hard to bring up a family on one salary in the millennium!

Unfortunately the everyday life stresses cause many couples to split up within the first 5 years of marriage but there are still many unhappy people that wait until the children are out of high school or have moved out of the family home before they end their relationships.

At least now there are more support groups and resources to help them move on regardless of what age they decide to do so.

The new 40 is not considered old anymore and many people are starting the second half of their life with an excited vision which sometimes includes a new partner.

Life offers many temptations today and people have to work harder to keep their relationships strong.

Many women are now dating younger men and it is not just the husbands leaving the marital home for a younger person anymore.

Here are a few tips to think about keeping sex alive in your marriage or long term commitment: 

I Married a Mountain Man but I'm a City Girl!

  • Sex should be happening a few times per week or on a schedule that works for both of you.
  • Don’t be afraid to gently communicate any sexual concerns to your partner. Couples that talk openly keep a stronger connection for many years to come.
  • Sex should be initiated by both sexes!
  • Sex may have to be planned or 3 weeks could go by with being too busy. Never be too busy to make love to your partner by making constant excuses.
  • Married life can be very hectic with kids and careers so make date nights, mark them on the calendar and follow through with them.
  • Both people in the partnership need to keep up their fitness levels. It not only makes you feel and look good; it puts a confident spring in your step towards the bedroom.
  • Dress sexy even at home ~ no unattractive sweatpants! You want to keep them looking at you not someone else!
  • Ask for help from relative/neighbors or pay for a babysitter to take the kids out so you can have sex at home without worrying they can hear you!
  • Never leave the house without a hug or kiss good-bye. Always acknowledge your partner.
  • When your partner walks in the front door, drop what you are doing and always get up and greet them. They take priority.
  • Kiss your spouse passionately once every day like you did when you first met them; its great foreplay. (None of this peck on the cheek stuff!)
  • Bring home little sex treats ~ lingerie, whipped cream, toys from the love shop or whatever you think they might like. Spicing things up in the bedroom isn’t just about changing positions.
  • Always let your partner know you are attracted to them!

It is very important to practice these things often, especially as a long term relationship progresses. We all have to deal with many changes as we get a little older, so being aware that your love-life needs to be nurtured is half the battle of maintaining a healthy long lasting sex life.

Men have always had the pressure of having to perform in the bedroom which can be very difficult as the years go by; especially with added family and career stress. Viagra was approved by the FDA in 1998 and has helped many men through the tough times ever since!

Unfortunately this has put many couples into an unbalanced sexual situation, as men are ready willing and able to go as soon as they pop that little blue pill.

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Viagra can be intimidating to many women, because they feel like they have to be ready to perform continually. It is a wise idea to let your wife know when you decide to take Viagra. Never assume it is a good time. (Blue balls are not pleasant at any age.)

Don’t despair though ladies because there is some good news for you now too!

As of August 2015, there is now hope for women with a new libido enhancer called Fibanserin! (trade name Addyi) It isn’t quite as powerful as the little blue pill just yet and like Viagra there are some side effects that need to be adhered to.

Hopefully once the kinks are ironed out, this “female Viagra” will eventually even out the sexual playground & help those women who are frustrated with their slowing sex drive.

Many women go through hormone changes after age 45 and it can be tough to feel sexual. Ladies; it is a good idea to get a saliva test to get an accurate reading of what is going on with your estrogen, progesterone and testosterone hormone levels.

This can help alleviate ongoing problems and help to keep you sexually stimulated once you know how to get help with balancing these physical changes.

Communication is the foundation to any successful marriage.

Learning how to talk with your spouse from day one, will keep you emotionally close. When you have respect for each other, have continual communication, and don’t ignore each others concerns, your sex-life will never fall too far behind to cause marital problems; because you are dealing with smaller issues before they become irreconcilable differences!

There will always be little glitches in your job, with your children and life in general, so it is important to understand that your partnership will have them too. Many couples make their relationship commitment the 3rd or 4th priority due to taking each other for granted that they will always be there.

Marriage and any long term relationship for that matter will always have ups and downs (pun intended) but with a little effort and conscious behavioral practice, you and your spouse can happily stay on the other side of the divorce statistics.

Love is like a full time job but well worth the time invested.

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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Dear Sybersue ~ My Girlfriend’s Sarcastic Sense of Humor is Ruining our Relationship!
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Dear Sybersue ~ My Girlfriend’s Sarcastic Sense of Humor is Ruining our Relationship!

Heart of Eternity

Heart of Eternity

Dear Sybersue,

I hope you can help me with this and I appreciate you being totally honest with how you respond. My girlfriend of 5 years is a beautiful 32 year old woman but she is very unhappy in her job as a waitress. (On the opposite end of the spectrum I love my job as a firefighter!) We live together and were inseparable for the first 3 years.  She has always been a little sarcastic and I used to think it was funny & meant in a lighthearted way. Now I feel she is using her “so called humor” at my expense & I do not find it humorous in the least!  It is very derogatory. She has a few girlfriends that she treats the same way and I have noticed they are coming around less & less. I have told her how I feel but she just can’t seem to help herself and is still sarcastic on a daily basis. I am almost ready to leave our relationship but I still love her and had planned on marrying her!

What do you suggest?

Almost Done Daniel

ANSWER

Hi Daniel,

I am so glad you wrote! I am not a fan of sarcasm and never have been. It has a very small place in the world of communication but occasionally there can be some funny one liners & needed comebacks. For the most part though, it is a nasty way of verbalizing what someone really wants to say in a negative way, especially in a relationship! They think if they add humor it will lose the real intent of their feelings. Continual sarcasm is used by people who are insecure for the most part. It makes them feel better by shutting someone else down in a “playful” way. The problem is, it isn’t playful after the second & third time it is repeated.

You mentioned your girlfriend is not happy in her job, which is probably where her insecurity stems from. She is mad at herself for not changing her life & takes it out on you by using these sarcastic jabs. You on the other hand, have a heroic job where many women put you on a pedestal. This just adds fuel to her insecurities & she unknowingly sabotages your relationship. She is jealous of your life because she feels inferior to you and your accomplishments. She needs a wake up call before she loses you completely.

If you truly love her & want to salvage this partnership, these five things need to be addressed:

1) She needs to leave her job ~ which means you will have to be by her side supporting her emotionally & mentally while she goes to school or learns a new career. ( She may need a little help financially if she has to take less work shifts to do this.)

2) Communicate to her how this sarcasm has to stop or you will leave the house every time she uses it. It is not to be tolerated and she needs to realize how often it is happening. (No confrontation, just remove yourself from the situation.) If she doesn’t try to make any changes at all then you may have to leave the house for good with your suitcase in hand.

3) Make sure you are giving her positive feedback on a regular basis as this will contribute to her feeling less insecure as well. She may need some counselling if this problem is rooted deeper than just changing her job. There could be some childhood self-esteem insecurities that she hasn’t dealt with.

4) Remember; It’s not your job to FIX her but be supportive while she is making these changes to her life. Give yourself a time limit of how long you are willing to be there and make sure she is really sincere on working things out in your relationship. You have been there for 5 years and if she is not serious about you as a couple you need to move on.

5) She needs to apologize to you and her friends that have walked away & tell you all that she is dealing with her issues. She must own her part in the demise of your relationship and these fizzling friendships, which is the biggest part of any type of therapy.

Making these alterations should put you on your way to a stronger & healthier relationship. Good for you for caring and taking the time and the effort to make things better at home. So many people would just walk out & not even try to understand how to correct it. Your girlfriend may just need a little understanding and some professional coaching to change her ways. At the very least you have done all that you can do to make it work out for your partnership which shows how much you love her Daniel. Hopefully she sees what a great guy she has and changes her ways. ❤

Keep me posted!

Sybersue

Dear Sybersue Talk Show @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

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Believe! Using The Law Of Attraction to Find Love & Better Your Relationships

I am sure by now you have heard this term a few times and may even be getting fed up with how much exposure it is receiving and what does it mean anyway?

In simpler terms: law of attraction means: like attracts like.

Behavior breeds behavior, so when you appear optimistic you will attract others of the same towards you or if you are pessimistic you will keep bringing negative people into your circle. The Law of Attraction helps you learn how to receive & believe you can change your life to attract what you want.  It doesn’t just have to be a dream!

For example: If you are really unhappy in your current job  it may be time to seriously consider leaving it. Your quality of life is more important than staying somewhere that you have outgrown and you are only there because it is easy and safe. Pursuing your life passion should become your focus so that you don’t waste anymore time doing something that is making you very unhappy.  Think about it; If you are constantly putting yourself in a negative environment, how can you possibly be sending out good thoughts?  You just get more of the same repetitive negativity coming back on a daily basis. Putting yourself in a happy place demolishes the demons that keep harboring your regular thoughts.  Just try to be miserable when you are happy!

Don’t look at it as a dream; actually visualize your new path. It is easier to achieve something when you can see it clearly.

Most people are fearful of change especially in their later years. Fear is the biggest obstacle in the average person’s achievements.  Inviting change keeps a person young and removes complacency.

Many individuals do not know how to be alone. They are not comfortable in their own skin. They go from one relationship to the next without any time between the two. In fact many people already have a new relationship lined up before they end the first one. How can you possibly find a new partner when you are still emotionally connected with someone else? Of course it is scary with the thought of being alone again but it is still better to take your time after a breakup than to pull someone into your broken heart.

Pursuing your passion is always the right path. Listen to your intuition, it is never wrong.

If you keep attracting the wrong people into your life, it is happening because of the images you are seeing in your mind. Ask yourself honestly what type of relationship you truly want. Are you looking for love or friendship? How well do you communicate? What does your body language say to others? What do you think of yourself?

By changing your thoughts you can change your life.

Contrary to what many people think attraction may mean, it is not necessarily always a good thing.  Being “attracted or having something or someone attracted to you” can be also be a negative if not used correctly. It is what your thoughts project that comes back into your life.  The energy or vibration that you put out is exactly what the Universe gives back. If you keep meeting abusive people, you are sending out something that is allowing this pattern to happen.  Do not ignore these signs as it may be time to talk to a therapist about this reoccurring scenario. On the other side of the coin, learning how to use this “attraction technique” to bring loving people into your life is what this discussion is all about! The more you practice it, more of the same great things will appear on your path.

Don’t believe me? Look back at your relationships over the years; is there a pattern?  When you say negative comments like:”I never meet anyone”, or “everyone is taken”, “who would want me”, that is what you are projecting! Try saying;  I am going to meet a wonderful partner and believe I deserve a great relationship.  That is what you will achieve if you say it with conviction. Letting those negative thoughts creep in continually will slow the process down immensely.

Send out powerful thoughts on what you really want to receive. Try it for a month and be aware of the positive changes that occur in your life.  (I met my husband using this method!)  There are many articles on this subject and some have been over publicized, but there are some great messages that should not be ignored.

Make a list of what you want and what you are grateful for in your life. Read it back on a regular basis and say it out loud.

People that believe they can have it all are successful because they believed. For all of you non believers, it might be time to open yourself up to trying a new approach to life.  It can’t hurt and who knows, you may actually become a better person and enjoy your own company which will project onto others.  New doors will open and life will only get better.

Susan McCord  http://www.sybersue.com  &   http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

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Advice for Men & Women: First Impressions Make or Break that Second Date!

Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord also known as Dear Sybersue discusses how important it is to many a great first impression when you are out on a date. You only have that one time to get it right so be careful how you come across. Watch Sybersue’s video above and read the blog below to see how to get that second date and what to be aware of.

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It is one thing to be single today but if you don’t know the Basic Dating Etiquette, it can leave you single for a lot longer!

The most important thing to remember in this post is that you are a good person & and are worthy of a loving relationship. Your self esteem & body language need to show this in order for you to meet someone with the same rapport. There is someone for everyone & each person is special and beautiful in their own way. (Thank God for some men who like quirky redheads!! Yay! 😉

~Confidence is a beauty all in itself~

What are the first things to keep in mind on a first date?

• Have a small “silent” checklist prioritized as a boundary guideline; do not discuss this out loud.

• Don’t go on a date with your clipboard questionnaire. Too many questions feel like a Barbara Walters interview!

• Be polite & fun! “First Impressions are a make or break future date.”

• Make an effort with your appearance. Rolling off the couch with bed head and yoga pants is not enough ~ contrary to popular dating attire discussions!

• Scent is important; be mindful of too much cologne, body odor, nose hair cling-ons etc. (Seriously people this will not get you laid!)

• Both sexes should dress respectfully & age appropriate. That goes for the Mr T. Big Ass Jewelry Starter Kit with unbuttoned shirt to hairy navel and the Cougar Camel-Toe Leopard Pants & super enhanced push up bra with cleavage that could crack coconuts…unless of course “you two” want to meet each other?

• If you want to be respected be respectful to them.

• Stay off your phone unless you have told them you’re expecting a REALLY important call. (Like from your brain surgeon!)

• Give them your full attention ~ (don’t use the mirrors to check out others in the room. Yes I had to say this!)

• Do not discuss past relationships ever on the first date! He doesn’t want to know your Ex could hold his own sausage fest he’s so well endowed or that his Ex was a playboy centerfold 4 years in a row!

• Don’t discuss sex too early unless that is all you are looking for ~ then Hell, go for it!

• Ensure you are comfortable with where you are going on your date. Just in case they have Ted Bundy serial killer good looks, you might want to take your own car for a precaution. Safety first people!

• When choosing a restaurant to take your date, find out if they have allergies or can’t eat certain foods for other reasons. You don’t want to spend your date night in the hospital because they went into Anaphylactic Shock!

• Let them know if it is a casual or dressy setting so they know what to wear. Remember not take them on a fear factor dating excursion! (No sky diving, rock climbing or cycling 50 km up a mountain.)

• Using light-hearted humor is a great ice breaker but leave the sarcasm for your buddies.

• If you are picking up your date, knock at their door rather than texting or honking the National Anthem that you are out front. Always see your date to their car or front door at the end of the date.

• Sleeping with them on the first few dates is not recommended! Too many expectations and confusion will come into play if you do this. Remember the bunny boiler psycho in the movie “Fatal Attraction!”

knock at the door

5 Other Things to Think about When Dating Someone New:
  1. Be careful how much information you give out too early; your date does not need to know every sorted detail about who you are. Be yourself but hold back on these private outbursts until you have something established with them.
  2. No one needs to know that you have had hair restoration, your breasts enhanced, you haven’t had sex in 5 years or that your dad is in jail for armed robbery! You don’t even know if there is a mutual connection yet so why would you want to discuss all your dirty laundry or insecurities on the first few dates? Wouldn’t it make more sense to show them your best traits first? Why sabotage any chance of seeing them again by telling them all these scary reasons not to be interested in you? Everyone has flaws or a few skeletons in the closet but the first few dates should be fun and not filled with dramatic conversation! Shhhh…
  3. If you ask someone out for dinner be prepared to pay regardless of what gender you are. In this day and age it is acceptable and appreciated for a woman to ask a man out. You don’t have to go to the most expensive restaurant in town so don’t feel obligated to empty your wallet every time you date. There are many great date night establishments that don’t break the bank.
  4. If you are invited to someone’s home for a meal never go empty handed; a bottle of wine or a dessert is always appreciated and expected! (It’s not cheap to impress someone with your TV Chef cooking skills these days!) Always be on time but if you have to be late, call in plenty of time beforehand so they are not sitting on the couch dressed and ready to go. Calling them when you are already supposed to have been at the front door is terrible etiquette. They could have done something else for an hour! Again…this won’t get you laid.

dinner date at home

5. Respect their time as it is just as valuable as your time!

What should you do at the end of the date?

 

• If you felt a reciprocated connection, give them a hug or a kiss goodnight. (Kissing is huge and can tell you a lot about your connection with them! Find out sooner than later I always say.)

• Tell them you would love to see them again. (Don`t wait for the three day rule to call.) You will stand out a lot more if you don’t play the obvious “Dating Game BS” scenarios.

• Follow up your date with a thank you call, text or E-mail.

• Do not say you will call when you have no intention of doing so! It won’t help your dating reputation either because people talk and they will slam you.

• Honesty with diplomacy is always the best approach if you do not feel a connection on the date. Be kind and careful with your choice of words but don’t lead them on if there is no chemistry between you both.

• Don’t go home angry or disappointed if things didn’t work out on your date. Every dating experience is something that you can learn from; enjoy them for what they give you at the time because there will always a reason you met them, regardless of how many dates you had together.

• Don’t get too eager and look at every great date as a potential spouse. (Picking out china patterns or introducing them to your parents too early will only end in disappointment because they will RUN!)

• If you want to see them again but have a very busy schedule for the next few weeks, be honest and tell them. Ask them if you can book a day on your calendars ahead of time. Most people will be happy knowing that there will be a second date and that you are thinking ahead to plan something with them.

• Never call last minute expecting them to drop everything for that second date.

woman smiling at text

  • Be careful not to be too aggressive with texting and calls after the first date. You don’t want to come across desperate or needy. Ladies; I have had a few emails from men telling me how turned off they were with women who bombarded them with numerous texts after only 1 date. Too much of anything can be annoying so wait until you are in an established relationship before you do this. Leave a little mystery!

Both sexes should relax and let things unfold naturally. If it is meant to be everything will work out without having to be pushy. With an open mind (even when a date goes wrong) it can make you see more clearly what you really “want” down the road. Everyone who comes into your life teaches you something in one way or another; don’t look at it as a waste of time. You might not see what purpose they had in your life right away, but you will understand why later. (It could be about you teaching them something, which is always good karma.)

Regardless of what transpires, go out and enjoy your single life in the dating world ~ There is so much to explore and some great people to meet. Experience is everything & one of life’s beautiful lessons. At the very least you may develop some great friendships down the road or learn something very valuable that changes your life forever. By visualizing a healthy relationship, believing and having a positive attitude, you will never be alone. People will always gravitate towards your energy.

❤ Remember; you are never too old to date or to find love in your life. ❤

Susan McCord @ http://www.sybersue.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/DearSybersue

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Life’s Bad Ass Cliches & Their Reality!

Dear Sybersue Talk Show Host

Dear Sybersue Talk Show Host

A few weeks ago I got some disappointing news that I was hoping would turn out to be wonderful and life changing for me.  I have spent over 10 years in this business of blogging/video hosting & was praying this opportunity was finally “the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!”  How long does a person hold onto their passion and believe that they are on the right path?  How many “no’s” or “not right nows” do we have to hear before we either make this happen or walk away from our dreams? “Actions speak louder than words” so when we choose competitive careers we just have to “keep on trucking” and not get “all bent out of shape” when things take a lot longer than we had anticipated.  Sometimes that is “much easier said than done.”To top it all off…

I write for many other platforms as well as my own blog.  “As luck would have it,” I recently received an email from examiner.com informing me that they were deactivating my account after 6 loyal years of writing for them without pay!  (Oh sorry I think I may have made $50 since 2009 when I started with them.)  I was often in the top 5 of two separate categories with regards to my monthly contributions so you can imagine my surprise when I opened my email from examiner telling me they no longer required my services.  Are you frigging kidding me?  So I guess I am not supposed to “cry over spilled milk” and just deal with their rudeness because I am destined for bigger things ahead right?  Hey I know that, but it doesn’t excuse the blatant dismissal from a company that I gave my devoted free service to for all this time.  I  guess there is truth to the statement that “all that glitters is not gold” 😦 but then “when one door closes another one opens,” which did happen in this case.

As a huge believer in visualization I have finally realized that I might be in need of some big ass binoculars!  I am obviously not seeing things clearly as I should be because what I envision and what the Universe has in store are definitely not in sync. They say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” well I can honestly tell you that I feel so strong right now that I could literally strangle the person who made up that cliché!

It’s really not a matter of feeling sorry for yourself after 10 years as it is feeling frustrated that all your hard work is REALLY appreciated mostly by those people who want to use your stuff “for free” to help their own business platforms.  Regardless of how often this happens I will not give into using others to solely benefit myself.  I am all about promoting people and offering assistance but am I being a fool in the end?  Is “Give and Take” a thing of the past and that “One Good Turn Deserves Another” really only means a one-sided story in today’s world?

While it is true “you can’t please everyone,” “there is no time like the present” to try to make a difference in this world.  I realize there is something I am doing that is preventing my goals to manifest completely but damn I am learning a lot along the way! Yahoo! Diversity is the key to staying young at heart after all. ❤

I have never been a “better safe than sorry” kind of girl and taking risks have always been my way of life. I can definitely say my life has not been dull and there is always a new adventure happening on a regular basis. When you don’t have family support or financial abundance it can either “make you or break you” and I decided to let nothing stand in my way of being all that I can be.  It can be a lonely road at times especially when you reach milestones that go unacknowledged by those people who are supposed to be in your corner.  Thank you to my amazing husband and those dear friends who have cheered me on & thank you to all those incredible men and women I have never met here in CyberLand for reading my book, my blogs & watching and commenting on my videos.  I am grateful and it is because of you that keeps me believing and pursuing this long winding path I am walking on.

Maybe I really do need to “wake up and smell the coffee” because supposedly when “life gives you lemons you make lemonade.” (I prefer Martini’s)  No one said life was easy and sometimes it really can be a bitch ass merry go round that makes you dizzy with anticipation. Will it work this time and am I finally on the right path to my higher achieving self?  Nah…one more spin until you get it right lady!  “Don’t call us we’ll call you!”  Maybe you need to hear it one more time because “it’s just not your time yet.”  Keep smiling and believe it will come because you know in your heart it is the right thing to do and “banging your head against that never ending brick wall” just doesn’t seem to hurt as much anymore.  Because “it ain’t over til the fat lady sings” and “nothing ventured is nothing gained” so “put that in your pipe and smoke it!” ❤ “It’s all good at the end of the day”  ❤

PS: I am now writing for SWEXPERTS based out of the UK & as a weekly contributor to MySkyeBerryPie as well as my own Blog here. 

Check out Susan’s videos on her Dear Sybersue YouTube Channel 

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Dear Sybersue; Help! I Want to Start Dating again after my Divorce but I feel Old & Unattractive!

Finding Love Again after Divorce

Finding Love Again after Divorce

Hi Sybersue,

I am a big fan of your talk show and have been watching many of your videos to help get me out of this self sabotaging stage I seem to be stuck in since my marriage ended 1 year ago.  I am 38 years old with 2 children ages 9 and 12.  My 45 year old husband ended the relationship because he said he was tired of my sweat pant wardrobe and that I never wanted to do anything.

OK he is right about the clothing part but his idea of “doing something” is rock climbing on a vertical slab 2000 ft up, ice camping in the Rockies or hiking up Mount Everest! He’s obsessed and fanatical about staying in shape and is not happy just going for a bike ride or playing basketball with the kids!  A long romantic walk on the beach would never be a part of his online dating profile I can assure you of that!  He verbally bashes me anytime he can, which is usually about my appearance or my nursing career. He hates it that I take care of anyone but him! To be honest, I am relieved we have ended our 15 year partnership as even my children were fed up with having to be a part of all his fear factor day treks and need for control!

So…the main reason I am writing is because I seem to have developed a self esteem issue about my physical appearance and taken on the attitude of “who would want me!”  I cut myself down at any given chance and can’t stand to see my own reflection in the mirror right now.  I used to be a beautiful confident woman up until about 3 years ago when my relationship started going downhill.  My husband hasn’t really looked at me in a sensual way since he had an affair with a 27 year old a few years back.  (I found out through a friend who happened to see them out a few times.) When I confronted him he didn’t deny it but said he stop seeing her if I was more sexual towards him. It didn’t seem to matter when I was 3 years ago; he still stepped out on our marriage!

Since then I gave up and figured what’s the point? He still found someone else he preferred, no matter how many sexy outfits I wore, how many sexting messages I sent or how pretty I did my hair for him.  He just constantly threw her in my face and complained about everything at home.  He also repeatedly said how much older I looked than my 38 years! I am grateful to say that men still look at me and I am not over weight but I still don’t know how I can get past this self defeating place I have put myself in. What is wrong with me and how can I change this.  I would like to meet someone and have a “real” relationship one day!

Help!

Kristina B.

Please click on this link below to see Dear Sybersue’s answer:

http://www.theswexperts.com/dear-sybersue-i-want-to-start-dating-again-after-my-divorce-but-i-feel-old-unattractive/

Dating After a Divorce

Dating After a Divorce

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Dear Sybersue ~ Too BUSY (The Dreaded 4 Letter Word in the Dating World!)

Is it Love or Not?

Is it Love or Not?

Dear Sybersue,

My boyfriend is always too busy with something and has constant plans that don’t include me. We don’t live together but he has promised me we will look for a place together before the 2 year mark of our relationship.  He is loving whenever we’re together and the sex is great when we finally do have some time as a couple.  The problem is after being in an exclusive relationship with me for just over a year he is still acting like he is single by making his needs the priority all the time.  I realize now that I was very accommodating with all of this in the early stages, so that I didn’t scare him off coming across like “the needy girlfriend.”  He has taken it to a whole new level and doesn’t even ask me if it’s OK that he is going away for another weekend with the guys.  (Just so you know he goes away 2-3 weekends out of every month!) When he is at home he is exhausted from the weekend and we seldom do much together as a couple other than watch TV or go to a movie.

I have expressed concern over this telling him that his last minute plans are not respecting my time at all!  He just says how much he loves me and that it won’t be forever, but he enjoys his adventures with his buddies. He goes everywhere from Las Vegas, to fishing trips and cabin getaways with all his guy friends who are mostly unattached.   He is 37 years old and I would have thought he would be past this stage of his life by now.  I’m really getting fed up sitting around waiting for him so that he can have the best of both worlds and I get the dregs of what he has left to give me.

What should I do and why is he even with me?

Tired of being #2

 

Dear #2,

The reason he is with you is because you make it easy for him to have both of these worlds.  I am sure he does love you but he really isn’t ready to be in a mature committed relationship. The real question here is to ask yourself; why are you with him?  What is it that keeps you there?  You call yourself #2 which is not a good place to be and I am sure it hurts every day knowing that you are not the first priority.  You didn’t say what you do while he is away on these continual weekend treks but I hope you are not just hanging around at home waiting for his return!

It sounds like he gives you just enough to keep you from leaving the relationship. He dangles the carrot so to speak.  The first thing you have to do is understand that you deserve more than what he is giving you right now.  Saying he will be ready to move in by your 2 year anniversary is just a pacifier to keep you there and believing that you have a future together. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too, which keeps you at the bottom of the priority list all the time.

You need to tell him you are not happy with this arrangement and that if he is not ready to act like a partner then you are ready to move on.  It may come across as an Ultimatum but you are just asking him to be honest.  If he doesn’t want to alter his lifestyle to make you #1 then you know your answer.  In the meantime start living your life for you and make plans to do things with friends or go a vacation to an all inclusive resort and let your hair down.  When someone is too BUSY to make time for you then you don’t need a bigger red flag warning in front of you.  When are you ever too busy to be with someone you are crazy about? You can’t wait to see them!  BUSY is a nasty 4 letter word that shouldn’t ever be used in your relationship. Quite often just spelling it out to your partner can make them realize how selfish they have been and sometimes things can turn around in the relationship if they feel like they will really lose you. You will only know the answer to this if you bring it to the forefront for discussion ~ don’t let it go on any longer.

Let me know how it goes. ❤

Sybersue