Oh God, it’s that dreadful time of year again where I feel even lonelier than every other day of the year being single. February 14th and all the romantic hype is a reminder of how alone I really am! It is a very depressing day for me.
I am a 28 year old fairly attractive outgoing woman living in Toronto and in desperate need of some advice on how to get through the “wrath of cupid” every year on this day!
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I have this conversation with women all the time and I am sure single guys probably feel the void as well but just don’t vocalize it.
The one thing I always did when I was single on Valentines’ Day was to go out & socialize! “Screw Cupid, he can shove the arrow right up his a#s!” I usually went to a lounge or Pub that had less of a romantic setting with pool tables, dart boards & other manly attractions.
It was interesting to see how many other people showed up as well! You are pretty much guaranteed that everyone who is not with a partner in the room on Valentine’s Day…is single! That can be a great time to meet someone!
Going out for a coffee or a movie with a girlfriend is also a great way to not give into the BS of February 14th only being a date night! Don’t be afraid to be seen without a man on your arm. Go out and show your confidence on this annoying relationship celebration! You are proud to be single and not settling with someone just to be in a couple’s scenario. You are waiting for real love! ❤
Hibernating and feeling sad at home means you are giving into this holiday stereotype and letting Hallmark & other marketing scams work their financial rewards. Be a rebel and stand tall!
You are a fantastic person whether you are single or not. Do not ever let a relationship define who you are!
Being single has many benefits that a lot of married people will occasionally yearn for!
Here are 12 things to think about that will help you deal with Feb 14th
You can do whatever you want whenever you want & be spontaneous!
Girl’s night out can happen often and without having to plan it 2-3 weeks in advance or without having to get permission from a partner.
It doesn’t matter what goes on in Vegas ~ you can be as bad as you want!
You can order “take out” every night and never use your oven!
You don’t have to shave your legs or get a Brazilian & you can wear your comfortable “big girl panties” without being judged!
You can watch, The Bachelor, The Young & Restless, The Breakup or any chick flick you want! You are in charge of the remote!
You don’t have to watch Dick Flicks!
You can put a 6 pack of beer in the fridge on Friday and there will be 4 bottles left on Monday!
You have complete control of the house temperature & the bed covers!
Your toilet seat will always remain in the downward position.
Your newspaper/magazines will never end up in the bathroom & remain on the coffee table completely intact.
The only snoring or farting you hear will be your own. 🙂
Now get off the couch Samantha, be proud you are single & go out for a fun Valentine’s Day!
Married/committed couples & singles are re-shaping their lives in all areas; regardless of approaching milestone birthdays. “Forty is the new thirty” and people finally understand they don’t have to give into the stereotyping of certain age groups. They are re-evaluating their options from careers to relationships and making the necessary changes. This can have a scary impact on many relationships out there!
Gone are the days where many people stayed in an unhealthy scenario!
Wedding vows today are broken way too often and no longer sacred with the intent that the couple will be together forever.
With the divorce rate on the incline some couples are getting nervous about becoming the next ones who will be walking this statistical plank! It doesn’t help that we have access to so many social media stories and reality TV shows that emphasize just how bad the statistics really are!
What can we do about it to change this trending dilemma?
Couples need to understand that when you are married or monogamously committed and no longer out in the dating market, it is even MORE important to put continual effort into your communication skills, appearance and sex life!
Sex is a huge part of the relationship glue and if it is ignored for any length of time it can be the end of the special “pheromone bond” you once shared and could be the demise of your partnership.
How often have you heard people complaining that after they got married and the honeymoon “time frame” ended that sex became less frequent and mundane? There is no playful forbidden fruit, spontaneous rendezvous or the excitement that a sexual partner brings in the early stages of a new relationship. We are all on our best sexual behavior!
Why does that have to dramatically change so that romance & sex becomes somewhat repetitive and in some cases almost non-existent?
Being romantically creative in your marriage or committed partnership will keep the fires burning a lot longer and turn vanilla sex into a hot fudge sundae!
I have coached many women who had lost interest in sex due to the repetitive expectations of their partners and lack of enticing foreplay. Once they finally communicated their concerns openly and discussed how it was ruining their relationship, things started to heat up and change for the better under those 300 thread count sheets; because the men listened.
Why are so Many Couples Separating Later in Life?
The popular 50’s Marilyn Monroe movie “The 7 Year Itch” seems to have been replaced by 20th Anniversary marriage break-ups in the millennium today. There are more and more people newly single in their late 40’s and 50’s than ever before!
In the days of our grandparents, people stayed together because of financial limitations and old school traditions. Today things have changed and both sexes have careers and are now on a more equal footing and don’t feel as trapped. It is more common to see couples both working due to economic struggles of mortgages and child expenses. It is hard to bring up a family on one salary in the millennium!
Unfortunately the everyday life stresses cause many couples to split up within the first 5 years of marriage but there are still many unhappy people that wait until the children are out of high school or have moved out of the family home before they end their relationships.
At least now there are more support groups and resources to help them move on regardless of what age they decide to do so.
The new 40 is not considered old anymore and many people are starting the second half of their life with an excited vision which sometimes includes a new partner.
Life offers many temptations today and people have to work harder to keep their relationships strong.
Many women are now dating younger men and it is not just the husbands leaving the marital home for a younger person anymore.
Here are a few tips to think about keeping sex alive in your marriage or long term commitment:
• Sex should be happening a few times per week or on a schedule that works for both of you.
• Don’t be afraid to gently communicate any sexual concerns to your partner. Couples that talk openly keep a stronger connection for many years to come.
• Sex should be initiated by both sexes!
• Sex may have to be planned or 3 weeks could go by with being too busy. Never be too busy to make love to your partner by making constant excuses.
• Married life can be very hectic with kids and careers so make date nights, mark them on the calendar and follow through with them.
• Both people in the partnership need to keep up their fitness levels. It not only makes you feel and look good; it puts a confident spring in your step towards the bedroom.
• Dress sexy even at home ~ no unattractive sweatpants! You want to keep them looking at you not someone else!
• Ask for help from relative/neighbors or pay for a babysitter to take the kids out so you can have sex at home without worrying they can hear you!
• Never leave the house without a hug or kiss good-bye. Always acknowledge your partner.
• When your partner walks in the front door, drop what you are doing and always get up and greet them. They take priority!
• Kiss your spouse passionately once every day like you did when you first met them; its great foreplay. (None of this peck on the cheek stuff!)
• Bring home little sex treats ~ lingerie, whipped cream, toys from the love shop or whatever you think they might like. Spicing things up in the bedroom isn’t just about changing positions.
• Always let your partner know you are attracted to them!
It is very important to practice these things often, especially as a long term relationship progresses. We all have to deal with many changes as we get a little older, so being aware that your love-life needs to be nurtured is half the battle of maintaining a healthy long lasting sex life.
Men have always had the pressure of having to perform in the bedroom which can be very difficult as the years go by; especially with added family and career stress. Viagra was approved by the FDA in 1998 and has helped many men through the tough times ever since!
Unfortunately this has put many couples into an unbalanced sexual situation, as men are ready willing and able to go as soon as they pop that little blue pill.
Viagra can be intimidating to many women, because they feel like they have to be ready to perform continually. It is a wise idea to let your wife know when you decide to take Viagra. Never assume it is a good time. (Blue balls are not pleasant at any age.)
Don’t despair though ladies because there is some good news for you now too!
As of August 2015, there is now hope for women with a new libido enhancer called Fibanserin! (trade name Addyi) It isn’t quite as powerful as the little blue pill just yet and like Viagra there are some side effects that need to be adhered to.
Hopefully once the kinks are ironed out, this “female Viagra” will eventually even out the sexual playground & help those women who are frustrated with their slowing sex drive.
Many women go through hormone changes after age 45 and it can be tough to feel sexual. Ladies; it is a good idea to get a saliva test to get an accurate reading of what is going on with your estrogen, progesterone and testosterone hormone levels.
This can help alleviate ongoing problems and help to keep you sexually stimulated once you know how to get help with balancing these physical changes.
Communication is the foundation to any successful marriage.
Learning how to talk with your spouse from day one, will keep you emotionally close. When you have respect for each other, have continual communication, and don’t ignore each others concerns, your sex-life will never fall too far behind to cause marital problems; because you are dealing with smaller issues before they become irreconcilable differences!
There will always be little glitches in your job, with your children and life in general, so it is important to understand that your partnership will have them too. Many couples make their relationship commitment the 3rd or 4th priority due to taking each other for granted that they will always be there.
Marriage and any long term relationship for that matter will always have ups and downs (pun intended) but with a little effort and conscious behavioral practice, you and your spouse can happily stay on the other side of the divorce statistics.
Love is like a full time job but well worth the time invested.
I always seem to meet lying and manipulative girls who treat me like shit even though I’m a great guy.
Why is that?
I recently gave the same girl 3 different chances to stop treating me like crap, yet she was soon back to her old ways. This has happened numerous times with other women I have dated. I don’t understand girls, why are they all like this?
OK bear with me while I vent a little here. Grrrrrrr
I am a decent looking guy in my early 30’s that is single but ready to find that special woman to settle down with. I usually meet women online and Tinder seems to be the App that I use most frequently. I know it is not everyone’s choice but I like the simplicity of it. (OK saying that out loud makes me sound a little shallow doesn’t it; sort of like I don’t want to put in too much effort?) I’m actually not a bad guy but like most men we are not into anything complicated, especially in the female department!
So; my questions are:
Why do women text so often and expect an instant reply every time?
Why do they pretend to like certain things that I like in the beginning, but actually have no interest in them after we have established a connection?
Why are they so easy to get into bed but play the high maintenance card in all other areas?
I have spoken with many of my male friends regarding these questions and none of us know the answers, or how to meet a quality “drama free” lady that we can share our lives with. Women seem to be clones of each other today; all acting alike and looking alike too!
What should I do differently to attract someone who is not a fake like all these online ladies I am meeting right now.
Thank you Sybersue!
I chose your email to post online due to the amount of other men writing me with similar questions.
It is not an easy time in our new world of technology communication and our human etiquette skills are buried under our keyboards and smart phones. We are losing our way and becoming disconnected in non-existent discussions due to the lack of meeting in face to face scenarios.
Our expectations are over the top and our patience levels are minimal. We want it NOW and if a few things aren’t perfect we move on to the next swipe on our phone or a new profile photo on various dating sites.
I will answer your questions in order that you asked them:
Answer to #1 Question: Why do women text so often and expect a reply instantly every time?
Women like to know you are thinking about them…a lot!
She is trying to be playful with the texts and is looking for a response from you that shows you really like her.
Some women are more aggressive than others but it’s up to you from that first date to let her know truthfully whether you are interested or not. Don’t pretend if you’re not; move on! Be upfront but gentle but don’t just stop texting or ghost her.
Don’t leave her with questions. If you enjoyed the date, tell her that you would like to see her again and phone her with a plan for a few days down the road.
Tell her you are too busy at work to text back & forth all day and you will contact her when you have time later in the day.
Watch for red flags on the first date. Is she needy, does she tell you every little thing about herself and what she wants in her 5 year plan?
Be careful what signs you give her early on. If she thinks you are really interested in her it will give her the green light to pursue it further with you. Tell her you prefer to take things slow and you are not into a fast courtship. If she continues to be pushy after all of the above, it is time for you to end things.
If you are really not that interested do not have sex with her. Some women become very attached emotionally after being intimate with a man.
Answer to #2 Question: Why do they pretend to like certain things that I like in the beginning but actually have no interest in them after we have established a connection?
I think both sexes are a little guilty of doing this. We want to impress each other so much in the beginning that we get a little over excited and exaggerate about our hobbies, passions and activities. Some women say they like something to keep you interested so that you will call them again.
She could be truthfully interested in something you like doing but may not be very good at it; so she makes excuses why she can’t do it at that particular time you ask her.
She could just be fake and saying anything what you want to hear to get your attention.
If it is something that is really important to you and your future relationship, you will need to push the interest level and call her bluff on it. Waiting a year down the road and then realizing you are opposites in many ways, will end up causing big problems or the end of you as a couple!
Listen closely to what she says and always be aware of the truth and her sincerity by paying attention to your instincts. Your gut is seldom wrong!
Answer to #3 Question: Why are women so easy to get into bed but play the high maintenance card in all other areas?
This one baffles me a lot too but there are two main reasons that women sleep with men so quickly. The first one is because they think men will run away if they don’t have sex on the first night and the second reason is they think it gives them more power with you. Once they have shown you their “worldly goods” you owe them something in return.
Some women use this sex weakness (sorry guys, it had to be said) to get financial rewards. Once they establish a certain system with you & your wallet, it becomes an expectation.
Don’t pay for everything and she will not be allowed to be high maintenance. If you want to find out if she is with you because she actually “likes you for you,” then don’t be so willing to give her everything on a silver platter before you even know her. Some guys like to show off a little in the beginning but it sets the wrong precedence and changes the dynamics in the early stages of what could have been a partnership.
Make sure you are not choosing the same type of women all the time and getting yourself into a pattern. We often don’t see this within ourselves and it is the reason we continually get frustrated when our dating life continues to disappoint us. If you are always attracted to the perfect “10” female with looks being the top priority, you will end up back in the high maintenance category over and over again.
Revise your checklist! Even if you don’t have one down on paper, just thinking about ALL the things you want in a woman could be jeopardizing your happiness. You could actually be the one that is high maintenance.
Don’t ever give up on Love. ❤ Be honest with yourself and what you are really looking for in a partner. You are in charge of who you attract towards you so you may have to change up your thought process to bring that special woman towards you.
It does take two to make a relationship work so try to remember that you are the one responsible with who you are meeting and allowing into your life. If it’s not working then you have nothing to lose by changing it up.
Most women are wonderful and really do want a loving man to share their world with. If you want a nice girl who is compatible with you and fun to be around, put it out there and visualize her! Knowing what you want is half the dating battle because most people talk about what they don’t want in a relationship but seldom talk about the positive things that they do want.
Let me know what transpires in the next few months. I will look forward to hearing how things are going for you romantically.
I am a 27 year old average looking introverted single female. I don’t get asked out on dates anymore but I would love to meet someone to have a committed relationship with. I feel stuck in my own skin and I am not sure how to change things to make it better for me. My routine life is becoming unbearable and waking up each morning consists of repetitive things day in and day out and banging my head on the same brick wall!
I can’t seem to motivate myself to get out of the house when I come home from work and that’s the other thing; I can’t stand my job! I make decent money but I spend a lot of time in an isolated environment working on computer documents for the law firm I am employed at.
I have a few friends but they are also settling into this same scenario that I repeat around the 24 hour clock. It really sucks and I am mad at myself for not being a stronger person and making things better. This has been going on for 7 years now and I seem to be sinking further into the quicksand of my existence. My family is not supportive which makes me feel even more alone.
What should I do?
I can hear the sadness in your writing and the first step to changing what isn’t working, is acknowledging it; so good for you! Your self esteem has taken a turn with something that may have happened 7 years ago and could be the cause of your life becoming routine and uneventful.
Many people retreat into a cocoon when something traumatic or sad happens at certain times in their life. The fact that you said you don’t get asked out on dates anymore states that you once did but that has now stopped.
What happened 7 years ago? Was it a bad break up? A family matter? A health situation?
Figuring out what changed your thinking back then will help you better understand why you became this lonely person today. You call yourself average looking and introverted which is something you could alter with a little effort. Go to the Mac counter and make an appointment with one of the staff for a makeup application, get a new hair style and buy a few new wardrobe pieces that will enhance your look. A mini makeover is a good thing and can be the start of a refreshed outlook. “When you look good you feel good!”
It sounds like money is not a big problem for you so I would suggest you hire a therapist or life coach for a short while to help you through some of the blocked feelings you may have. It is not an easy transition to make on your own without a support system and sometimes it is better to have someone neutral and non-judgmental than to rely on the people in your everyday life. It also sounds like you may be depressed, so having someone professional to help you through this, is a much wiser choice.
You mentioned that you have a problem getting out socially when you get home from work. The trick here is not to go home first. Make plans to attend a meet up group, take a course or go to a fitness class right after work a few days per week. This will help break up the monotony that is keeping you glued to this feeling of loneliness. You need to be around people after spending 8 hours a day bent over your computer!
The last thing on your new journey should be looking for a more rewarding atmosphere with a new job. Once you alter the other things in your life this will become easier for you to visualize because you will feel better about yourself and not be willing to compromise anymore in a dead end job. Get the other parts of your life in order first and then start working on a new career. There may be some night/online courses you can take in the meantime that will add to your credentials for when the time is right.
You are only 27 and it is never too late to make changes that will enhance your life. Get out of the house and show the world who you really are.
In the Video Above Dear Sybersue discusses some of her viewers questions regarding how to repair a broken relationship before it’s too late! Is it worth fixing? Are you making an effort in your partnership or is compromising out of the question?
It’s difficult to maintain a happy relationship over the years and many people would rather walk away than put in a little effort to save it. The grass is not always greener on the other side but we think it is!
Your job isn’t always smooth sailing but you keep persevering to make it better; the same approach should be taken in your partnership at home. There will always be little things that annoy you about them; but understanding what is worth fighting for should be recognized before you sabotage a healthy committed relationship.
What are some of the things you have done to save your relationship?
I am very grateful to be living in a part of the world where women have the freedom to be who they want to be. Saying that, I feel there are still so many limits attached once she reaches a certain (ahem) age! Maybe I should have gone into politics or religion as it doesn’t seem to matter how old you are in those professions. Pope Francis will be 80 years old this year on Dec.17th, Donald Trump just turned 70 this June (who cares) and Hillary Clinton is 68!
OK so hear me out, I’m just making a few points and having some fun with this post and sharing some of the changes I have noticed in the last 15 years! You have no idea how fast it creeps on you! I now understand the cliché “Life is short, enjoy every minute of it!”
Let’s pretend I am your fun and super crazy aunt who is beyond wise and funny. The stories never end because I have been around the block and back 5 million times and I am not stopping anytime soon. You can’t wait to see me because every time we get together you learn so much and laugh so hard!! (I wish Betty White had been my aunt, she’s my hero!) ❤
Sometimes a little unexpected shock value is an added feature that I love to share with others I just meet. “Did she just say that out loud?” “Yes I did” and there’s a lot more where that came from depending on how wide I made your eyes open up! Seriously I forget how old I am most of the time and these juvenile moments can be quite entertaining! (For me anyway.)
Here are some of the things that I have noticed lately:
After a certain birthday (let’s say 45) you start to become a little more invisible and you keep fading more and more as each birthday approaches after that. (Casper the not so friendly ghost comes to mind!) “Wait a minute, I’m still here alive and well in the flesh, don’t you see me?”
In my mind I am 30 years old and nothing has changed with how I think. Well, other than rude people piss me off even more now and I am a little more high maintenance when ordering a meal; sort of like Meg Ryan was in the movie “When Harry Met Sally.” (20 something’s may have to Google that one as it was wayyyy before your time!) See! That is one of those things that pisses off older people! That seemed like 5 years ago, not 27! Yes that movie was made in 1989 and you probably weren’t even born yet!
So NOW, I am supposed to dress differently and more age appropriate even though I am mentally only 30.
Apparently my wardrobe should consist of sensible shoes, long sleeved knee length floral dresses, high-waisted jeans/pants with a high neck long shirt to cover mythickening waist & hips! I guess I should throw out my low rise skinny jeans according to this; but I don’t have a muffin top, I work out!
Tank tops, short shorts and any clothing revealing cleavage is just way over the top and will promote gossip better than the Housewives of New York could ever hope to compete with! “She really needs to hide those arms,” “OMG she’s not wearing a bikini is she?” I say, if you can still fit into a bikini then wear it! Flaunt it until all your body parts are too far south to see anymore.
I am not really allowed to swear anymore, (WTF?) or wear stilettos outside (notice how I said outside.) I now refer to them as my “up in the air bedroom only shoes!” Even when I wear my comfortable Converse running shoes (pictured above) I get that look that says “how old are you?” Listen here Millennial people; these were my go-to shoes as a teenager so I have more right to wear them than you do!
These judgmental fashion police need to get a life!
Venues are a challenge if you want to have a girl’s night out. Yes we still do that, despite our old age. (sarcasm) I am not really supposed to go to bars anymore because I will be classified as a cougar. (What’s so wrong with that? They are beautiful cats are they not?) It’s interesting that my hot looking 50 year old single guy friends don’t have a label on them! Hmmm the good old double standards women my age have been living with for years. I am glad that’s changing now for the next generation!
I also should have new music choices like slow jazz and that enjoying Lady Gaga or Big Daddy Kane, (OK I don’t really like him but his name is just too weird not to use) is saying I am trying to be too cool & hanging onto my youth. I guess I better not post my YouTube Rap video on here then! You can have your boring music venues but when the time comes I am going to be the fun Grandmother in the front row with my grandchildren at any concert they want to go to. Music to my ears will be, “You Rock Nana!”
I talk to everyone but not everyone talks back to me. Sometimes people are very receptive, some give a polite nod and some just pretend they don’t hear you. It’s quite an interesting dynamic and I find the guys with body armour tattoos the friendliest, the young hot girls the least friendly and most men and women over 40 nod & smile in acknowledgment like you are part of a vintage car club.
Sometimes the door gets opened for you to enter a room and other times it is shut in your face as if you are once again “Casper” invisible. It’s mind baffling how many people don’t look behind them these days. Maybe it’s just me because I was an “eyes in the back of my head” protective single mother for 18 years who noticed every little thing around me. I wasn’t plugged in to my iphone or headphones (not even my Walkman) and I actually looked up when I walked. Go figure…
Young men and women complain daily about how difficult dating is today! You know why? No one talks to anyone. Hello! (My bad, no one actually says hello.) Don’t even get me going about the gym! Back in the day it was singles heaven. Today the lack of etiquette is sad and mainly due to a self absorbed vanity with both sexes. The mirrors I always used to check out guys in the past, is now used to take Instagram photos of their own biceps, abs and Kim Kardashian wanna-be butts!
Speaking of Social Media…
I AM ON EVERYTHING! That comes with being a Talk Show Host, Advice Columnist, Relationship Coach & Blogger; you have to stay connected. The days of the talking on the phone are almost over so the boomer babies better start getting into the new technology if you want to talk to your kids or grandchildren in the future. Betty White is doing it and she is in her 90’s!
Being stubborn and hanging onto your flip phone is asking for alienation from the younger people in your life. (Remember, they don’t phone, they text!) Its fun learning new things even when those senior moments hit you. You just have to write everything down! Well, that is if you can still buy a pen anymore? On second thought, you better learn to type on a keyboard or touch screen just to be safe.
Yes I know I haven’t really talked about body changes too much yet-I was saving it for last.
It seemed like only yesterday my Victoria’s Secret boobs and perky butt were reaching for the clouds and now they are fighting really hard against my weight training/yoga program to slide towards my feet. WTHell? I didn’t sign up for this! I’m wayyy to young to be this old!
I am wearing reading glasses to write my blogs and I am now learning all about flattering lighting for when I make my HD videos that show your pore size and forehead veins! I know there are new anti-aging techniques to combat those extending crow’s feet (more like bear claws) but who can afford all that on a non paid writer’s wage?
So what is my point and why did I write this post?
Because I want everyone out there to know that aging is something we will all do in our lifetime; or at least the lucky ones will. The best tools to get you through each fast approaching birthday is to live a diverse life, learn as much as you can, be kind to others and always have a sense of humor! Laughter will get you through everything!!
You earned your wrinkles, your 34 C longs, your nose, toe & ear hair and Great Dane balls! Your wisdom is beyond valuable and needs to be exposed! The Millennial’s need us more than they understand right now.
Speak up, never stop teaching and never stop growing, but most of all never give up due to getting older! Now get out there and shock the crap out of some young people to make them talk again. There is no room for a sense of entitlement in today’s harsh world. Human etiquette needs to be the priority of every person living on our planet.
You can make a difference, we all can!
Thanks Betty White for being my biggest inspiration and making me laugh for all these years. You’re awesome! ❤