Dating & Bad Texting!

Today myself (Dear Sybersue) &  Guest Co-host Andrea Wesley talk about texting etiquette in the dating world! What is going on with some people and why are so many men and women lazy or rude when it comes to texting?

Isn’t this the time to shine when it is the only communication you have in the beginning? Dating is all about technology and online resources so you have to put some effort in to it to get noticed and stand out!

No, that doesn’t mean showing your naked body parts to anyone you come across. Have some class and be creative.

Everyone should have some boundaries and self respect.

What is your worst texting story and how did you handle it? Please leave your comments below the video and here on my post.

I’d love to hear from you!

Susan McCord @ http://www.sybersue.com
Andrea Wesley @ http://www.thebolde.com/author/Andrea…

Dear Sybersue: I am Single and the Loneliness is Killing me!

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Lonely Single Woman

Dear Sybersue,

I am a 27 year old average looking introverted single female. I don’t get asked out on dates anymore but I would love to meet someone to have a committed relationship with. I feel stuck in my own skin and I am not sure how to change things to make it better for me. My routine life is becoming unbearable and waking up each morning consists of repetitive things day in and day out and banging my head on the same brick wall!

I can’t seem to motivate myself to get out of the house when I come home from work and that’s the other thing; I can’t stand my job! I make decent money but I spend a lot of time in an isolated environment working on computer documents for the law firm I am employed at.

I have a few friends but they are also settling into this same scenario that I repeat around the 24 hour clock. It really sucks and I am mad at myself for not being a stronger person and making things better. This has been going on for 7 years now and I seem to be sinking further into the quicksand of my existence. My family is not supportive which makes me feel even more alone.

What should I do?

Carlina88

Dear Carlina,

I can hear the sadness in your writing and the first step to changing what isn’t working, is acknowledging it; so good for you! Your self esteem has taken a turn with something that may have happened 7 years ago and could be the cause of your life becoming routine and uneventful.

Many people retreat into a cocoon when something traumatic or sad happens at certain times in their life.  The fact that you said you don’t get asked out on dates anymore states that you once did but that has now stopped.

What happened 7 years ago? Was it a bad break up? A family matter? A health situation?

Figuring out what changed your thinking back then will help you better understand why you became this lonely person today. You call yourself average looking and introverted which is something you could alter with a little effort. Go to the Mac counter and make an appointment with one of the staff for a makeup application, get a new hair style and buy a few new wardrobe pieces that will enhance your look.  A mini makeover is a good thing and can be the start of a refreshed outlook. “When you look good you feel good!”

It sounds like money is not a big problem for you so I would suggest you hire a therapist or life coach for a short while to help you through some of the blocked feelings you may have. It is not an easy transition to make on your own without a support system and sometimes it is better to have someone neutral and non-judgmental than to rely on the people in your everyday life. It also sounds like you may be depressed, so having someone professional to help you through this, is a much wiser choice.

You mentioned that you have a problem getting out socially when you get home from work. The trick here is not to go home first. Make plans to attend a meet up group, take a course or go to a fitness class right after work a few days per week. This will help break up the monotony that is keeping you glued to this feeling of loneliness. You need to be around people after spending 8 hours a day bent over your computer!

The last thing on your new journey should be looking for a more rewarding atmosphere with a new job. Once you alter the other things in your life this will become easier for you to visualize because you will feel better about yourself and not be willing to compromise anymore in a dead end job. Get the other parts of your life in order first and then start working on a new career. There may be some night/online courses you can take in the meantime that will add to your credentials for when the time is right.

You are only 27 and it is never too late to make changes that will enhance your life. Get out of the house and show the world who you really are.

Keep me posted!

Sybersue❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Lifestyle Talk Show

 

DATING TIPS: Get Out of the Box!!

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Have you been dating for what seems like forever and you keep running into the same problems? Is your ideal of Mr./Mrs. Right backfiring all the time? Are you now in a rush to find a partner because all of your friends are in relationships, your biological clock is ticking like a time bomb or your Mama is nagging at you to hurry up and give her grandchildren??

Do you regret some of the decisions from your past dating experiences? Why don’t you take a step back and look at the people you may have thought were wrong in the past. Maybe you were too picky and overlooked some future potential! In other words, Mr./Mrs. Wrong could have ended up being Mr./Mrs. Right!

It just might be time to start looking outside the box or pattern you have created for yourself.

Have men & women become so shallow that their potential mate has to fall into the category of a hot millionaire Ferrari driving male with six pack Abs or a perfect size 2 female model with a DD rack? Come on let’s get real! How long do you really think anyone can maintain these perfect looks for anyway? The window is probably 10-15 years!

A relationship should not be viewed as an aging car that is always ready for a new trade in model.

There is always a price to pay when you put looks and money as the top priority. (As Dr. Phil says, when you marry for money you earn every penny!)

Things to think about to help you realize you need to change up your dating pattern:

  1. Are you choosing someone who is married or in a relationship because they are unavailable? Could it be that you are actually commitment phobic or afraid of rejection and looking for a reason not to be in a long term relationship?
  2. Are you adamant about not dating someone who has been married or has children because you want to be the first & only? If you are over 35 you may need to change this thinking! Don’t turf everyone who has been married or has a child from a previous marriage. Some kids are really wonderful and can add a new dimension to your life that you never dreamed of. At least check it out before you blacklist every potential suitor that has children.
  3. Be careful of dating someone who is recently separated as you could end up being the guinea pig or stepping stone before they are in a healthier place emotionally.
  4. Beware of the new lover who comes in with all guns a blazing! “In fast/ out fast” is usually the case with these types. We are all suckers for romance but if it seems to be too good to be true, too fast? IT IS!
  5. Do you know what you are looking for or do you “think” you do? Do you only have one type? Will you only date people with specific astrology signs where your moons are aligned, or do they have to have a certain professional status? Will you only date one ethnic background or age group?
  6. Have you become a serial dater jumping from one relationship to the next like it’s a part time job?
  7. Are you always hanging out at the same old places, with the same single friends and stuck in a routine?

I called this post “getting out of the box” because so many men & women do not have a clue how repetitive and particular they are when it comes to their dating tactics.  Philip Goldberg has a book called: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY.  I love that title!  This book helps self-defeating habits that keep you from finding a relationship and other aspects of life that you are missing out on.

It could be your fear of being alone or fear of abandonment/rejection making you choose wrong partners! More often than not our childhood experiences play a huge role in our choices as an adult.

10 Transitional Steps to Help Get You Out of the Box:

  • You may not even realize that you have low self esteem or an insecurity that holds you back from finding a loving partnership. Try something different that makes you feel refreshingly alive and good about yourself. Little achievements are great mood boosters!
  • Get rid of cards, letters and memories of your past relationships out of your view so you can start fresh without being reminded of them. Constantly reminiscing about something that didn’t work out will not help you move forward.
  • Do something that is out of your comfort zone. Take a pole dancing or kick boxing class, join a hiking club, start a blog or write a book!
  • Try a different dating technique that you may have been opposed to before. Sign up for an online dating site or app or go on a blind date “set up” from a friend that you may have been avoiding. Speed dating can be interesting too!
  • Have a dinner party with single friends you haven’t seen for a while. Invite a 50/50 ratio of men to women and only upbeat people are allowed! No Debbie Downers or jaded heart-breakers!
  • Book a Singles Club Med Holiday and have a vacation fling! Choose someone you would never normally go for. It easier to “get out of the box” when you are not being judged in your own hometown.
  • Date someone completely out of your usual chemistry zone. Try being friends first, with no sex for a few months. Quite often sex too soon can be the demise of a potential relationship due to emotional expectations that may not be reciprocated.
  • Do not say anything negative about the opposite sex for 4 weeks! Go on I dare you!
  • Say hello to a complete stranger every single day and smile at everyone you come in contact with wherever your day takes you.
  • Put the same posted note in 5 places in your home that you frequent the most on a daily basis. In less than 5 lines, write down what you really want in a partner and ask for it out loud every time you see the note.

Start talking in a positive tone about relationships and people in general. The more optimistic your outlook is, the more attractive you will become to others. If your past dating and relationship experiences end up in the same scenario over and over again then it is time to change things up.

People tend to talk loudly about the things that aren’t working in their lives but seldom praise the good things that are happening for them. Count your blessings and honor them every day. Just by doing that simple step it will remind you of the wonderful things that you do have going for you.

Happiness is contagious and will bring more of the same towards you if practiced repetitively. No one will be able to resist your charms!❤

Susan McCord        The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Breakup Etiquette: Is there ever a good way to dump someone or get dumped?

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There are ways of respectfully ending a relationship but many people do not want to deal with any conflict or confrontation so they take the coward’s way out!

The reason so many men and women have a tough time getting over a breakup is due to the way it is handled.  When someone blindsides their partner with an abrupt goodbye, it does not allow them to have proper closure or understand why they were left high and dry with only so much as a “one line text” breakup message!

This is becoming quite common in new relationships in the millennium. The main reason being; texting, Instagram, Facebook & other online resources has become the form of all communication! It’s easier to hide behind social media technology than having to deal with human etiquette the old fashioned way.

It is scenarios like this that make so many people angry as the dating years wear on. The lack of diplomacy & human respect involved when another breakup occurs, is very deflating and becomes forever ingrained in a person’s self worth. 

Regardless of who ends the relationship, you should have the balls to be honest about why you need to move on. Don’t leave them guessing!

It is better to know why someone has fallen out of love with you; so you can see if there is something you may need to work on for the next potential relationship or a red flag you ignored that maybe should have been addressed early on. It may have nothing at all to do with you and it could be that they are just not meant to be in your life.

Breakup honesty can be brutal sometimes, but at least you know why they ended things and you don’t have to spend the next few years trying to figure it out.  

If you are the one who has decided to end the partnership, do not do it over the phone, in an E-mail or Text message. If it was just one or two dates, a phone call might be acceptable if it is done in a classy way, but text messages are still disrespectful and very dismissive.

Don’t become obsessed with trying to win them back by contacting them so much that you come across like a stalker or bunny boiler. It is over, don’t prolong the agony. Move on with class and let them go. As sad as it is, you can’t make someone love you. Make room for the next person to come in that does love you.

What should you do if you are no longer happy in your relationship?

  • Do not settle or stay in a relationship because you are afraid to leave or don’t want to hurt them.
  • Don’t give them false hope for the future because of your own fears of being alone.
  • Telling them you “need a break” so you can gradually breakup with them is selfish and takes time away from them finding a fulfilling relationship that is “real!”
  • Do not save them for a rainy day until you find someone better. This is really bad karma and sure to bite you in the ass down the road!
  • As difficult as it may be to have the talk with your partner, you owe it to them to be honest about your feelings. Always put the shoe on the other foot about how you would want it handled.

When you do have the courage to end your relationship, please don’t expect to be friends right away!

You just came from an intimate relationship with them and having them see you with a happy new spring in your step is hurtful for the one who got left behind. No one is that mature or strong in the initial stages, regardless of how they project themselves.

Many women have written to me complaining that there was absolutely no contact after their boyfriend broke up with them.  Ladies as hard as that is, they are actually doing you a favor. Do you want to see how well they have moved on without you? That’s just more punishment that adds to your non-stop pounding heartache.

When someone tells you they don’t want to be with you anymore because they have lost feelings for you; what more do you need to know? Of course it still hurts like a bitch but there really isn’t anything they can say to make you feel better. There is nothing more deflating than hearing them tell you that they don’t love you over and over again because you keep asking for clarity.

How Should you Handle the Breakup & Maintain Your Self Respect?

  • Do not give your Ex constant power or disrespect yourself by calling them with tearful messages or texting them 5 times a day.
  • Be careful how often you talk to your friends about your breakup as it can become way too much drama that people will start to avoid. You need your pals right now but they are not your therapist.
  • You will have really bad days, some worse than others. Know yourself and choose to stay close to home at those times so that your vulnerability doesn’t get you into trouble.
  • Do not drink & dial or drink & text!
  • Stay away from places you used to go together. Find some new places to go which may help you meet new connections as well.
  • Take your Ex off all of your social media immediately! The less you know about them the better and it will help you move on faster not seeing their face on a daily basis.
  • Make fitness a part of your day as often as possible. It is cheap therapy, gets you out of the house and helps you temporarily forget your heartache.
  • A breakup consists of a grieving period and understand you will likely go through the 5 stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining (What ifs), Depression and Acceptance. This is natural to feel these things and the sooner you do, the sooner you will move on to finding happiness in your new life.

I learned about these 5 stages when my first marriage ended. My ego and heart were  crushed; which is the case in most breakups. My Ex moved on much quicker than I did which made it even more difficult to get on with my life. I was resentful and very hurt that he could be with someone else so quickly. We were still living in the same house together for a few months and there were awkward female scenarios that occurred during that time frame.

If you have to share a home with your EX initially after a breakup, respect their space and they should respect yours as well.

You have to take some responsibility with the demise of your relationship. I admit I had some messed up childhood insecurities that needed to be worked on and my Ex had a few of his own demons as well. This is probably what drew us together in the first place because we subconsciously thought we could help each other.

Another life lesson, do not try to fix people.

Really try hard not to badmouth your Ex to anyone who will listen.  If they are such a horrible person why were you in the relationship until “they” ended things with you?

There is always a reason why someone came into your life and when you are able to take a closer look at why they were put on your path and truly understand the reasons why; the sooner you will move on and learn to say goodbye but also appreciate what they brought to your life at the time.

Often it is something we needed to learn about ourselves…

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Lifestyle Talk Show

 

A Dating Discussion on Ghosting!

In the video above, my guest Co-host Andrea Wesley & I talk about another big dating problem; “Ghosting!”  Why has this become such an issue in the online dating world?

For those people still learning what this new millennial phrase actually means; it is basically being a “no show” or “standing someone up” on a date!  OK, so in my day back in the dinosaur dating era it did happen once in awhile, but not anywhere near to the extent that it is happening now!

What does this do to a person’s self esteem when having to constantly deal with being blown off without even a text as to why? I can see why so many men and women are fed up with dating today! There is lack of commitment and lack of sincerity and let’s not even talk about major trust issues building up in everyone.

Why is basic everyday etiquette becoming a rare occurrence? How are we going to change this before dating becomes obsolete?

What do you think we should do to prevent this from continuing?

Susan McCord @ http://www.facebook.com/dearsybersue
Andrea Wesley @ http://www.thebolde.com/author/AndreaWesley

 

A Male Opinion: It’s hard to meet women; they don’t give me the time of day!

Why are women so rude to men sometimes?I talk to many men via my blog and advice column about numerous topics relating to women, dating and relationships. The biggest complaint I hear is “It’s hard to meet women and they don’t give me the time of day!”

When I speak to women about this frustration from men they profusely disagree that this is not true.

Well… I can tell you that I have witnessed this behavior from a fair amount of ladies at different venues in various cities in North America and especially in Vancouver B.C. where I live! I honestly think that some women don’t realize how standoffish they can appear to others when they are out for the evening.

Body language tells a big story to the audience that’s watching.

Many guys tell me that they receive very little response back from their brave hello to women; unless of course they are the ultimate “bad boy” chick magnet! (But then they are not the ones complaining!)

Ladies I know there are some real dicks out there and that the majority of you are not ALL cold and unresponsive to men, but if dating is ever going to change you have to start being nice to guys who are pleasant and who acknowledge you. They don’t have to fit the criteria on your checklist.

A kind smile and a friendly hello doesn’t mean you have to date them! It’s called human “face to face” connection and something that is becoming obsolete these days!

Women say that men only care about hooking up and having sex. “They are not interested in a long term partnership!” While I have met many guys who do fit this description; I disagree that the majority of men do not ever want a committed relationship.

Men have told me that after so much rejection from women today, they just finally gave up looking for anything real and started to make it only about sex; as women seem to be OK giving that to them early on! (Maybe women need to talk about this with each other???)

I enjoy being around men; I understand men and I have often said I am coming back in my next life as a man! My girlfriends think I am out of my mind bat sh*t crazy. “Why would you ever want to be a guy?”

Because…it would be a nice change.😉

Men get to be who they are without a lot of high maintenance daily rituals; as there are less expectations when it comes to physical appearance. They get to be strong minded without being labeled as a bitch. They can have sex with numerous women without being called any derogatory names. Men get to stand up to pee (so jealous!) and they can have a fight with their buddy & 10 minutes later have a beer together as if nothing has happened. All is forgiven and not held onto for an eternity! Women never forget and tend to hold grudges.

Don’t get me wrong; being a woman is pretty cool and definitely has many wonderful perks but I could do without some of nature’s gifts on the emotional and biological side. And yes…we can be bitches especially in Vancouver I am told!

OK…we understand that each gender has unique qualities; so why can’t men and women just accept the differences and get on with their lives instead of continually  pointing fingers about what they don’t like about one another?

  • Why are we fighting each other and repelling in the opposite direction of ever having a loving partnership?
  • Why is the Millennium one of the loneliest eras in relationship history? Is it because we think we can always do better and that our picky & judgemental ways are making every date a one night disaster?
  • When did wearing the wrong color socks or having fat ankles become a relationship deal breaker?
  • Why did the word ghosting become a regular habit in the dating arena? When did we become so rude by not showing up for a planned date because we were playing games & never intended to actually follow through with it, or because someone or something better came up!
  • Why have we lost all concern for human etiquette and respecting each others time and efforts?
  • Why are there so many angry comments from men about women on social media sites?

You don’t have to follow everyone else who has taken on some of these negative behaviors and you can stand out by not taking part in these ongoing endless rants about what isn’t transpiring between men and women!

Don’t let yourself fall into the pessimism of what isn’t working!

Fix it!

How does complaining about each other make things any better? Why would you ever give up on something an important as LOVE? I know things are repetitively annoying out there in the dating world but there are ways to change it.

You can start by putting the damn phone away. How can you possibly interact with anyone when your head is constantly positioned downwards? Your body language shows up as removed and far too busy to notice people around you.

If you want to have a relationship one day down the road you are going to have to resort to…wait for it…Eye contact!

I know righhht?

It’s actually not that difficult to fix this problem but I am starting to think everyone gets more empowerment from complaining about each other, then believing that there is someone amazing out there for them.

When people have been very hurt from a breakup or feel rejected; fear takes over and becomes the growing root of their loneliness. These pessimistic thoughts are dominating their path; therefore inhibiting and sabotaging their chance to be able find a loving partnership.

“You Must Believe to Achieve.”❤

10 Simple Things to Think About to Help Change the Dynamics between Men & Women:

  1. Don’t turn your nose up at anyone who acknowledges you!
  2. Smile at people you are in close contact with at restaurants, at the gym or any social outing you are attending.
  3. Only use your phone for important messages when out for the evening! Stop with the selfie crap!
  4. Do not judge someone without even speaking to them.
  5. Make a point of having a small conversation with at least 3 people every time you go out. It will start to become a natural occurrence and also make others feel special & comfortable.
  6. Do not put anyone on the spot by asking personal questions about them. Be original!
  7. Do not have any expectations about them buying you a drink or dinner!
  8. Be interesting & fun! People are always observing from across the room and gravitate towards a positive personality.
  9. If someone asks you out on a date and you are not interested; be polite and respectful with your answer. Never give someone your number when you have no desire to see them again.
  10. Regardless of past hurt, it’s not just about you and what you want in your life. Make sure any conversations are a reciprocated scenario.

PS: Ladies if you need some help getting out of a dating slump/pattern or over a breakup or divorce come and join us every 2nd Tuesday in Kitsilano at my Single Women Meetup Group!

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show        Dear Sybersue Facebook

 

Sex Discussion: Are You a Rock Star in the Bedroom?

Sex Advice: Are you good in bed?

Do you think you are a good lover?

This is a question we should all ask ourselves and maybe our partner as well. If you don’t want to hear the answer, chances are, you may not be.

Becoming a good lover starts from wanting to be.

Have you ever noticed how some people just ooze sensuality by the way they walk, talk, dress, their mannerisms & body language? By showing this sexual confidence, there is a very good chance they are in tune to the sensuous side of themselves!

That is not to say that quiet introverted types are boring in bed, it may just take more work to find out in the initial stages upon meeting them.

Many people are attracted to the trailer of a movie before seeing it and assume it will be an amazing film!  We all know that is not always the case!

It is really important to learn how to talk to your partner about sex before you get between the sheets. We all have different needs & preferences which may or may not be of interest to the other person. Many things can be learned about one another when the questions are relayed gently & diplomatically without the pressure of nudity.

If someone is into S&M, fantasy role playing, threesomes or fetishes, it is sex etiquette 101 to tell your partner beforehand. Blindsiding them with your Zorro cape & whip or latex suit in the bedroom may not be the best idea.

How does a person comfortably bring up “Sex” in a conversation when they are getting to know someone?

• Some people will not agree with me on this but do not discuss sex on the first date! Get to know if you even like who they are first.
• Kiss them first before any sexual discussions begins ~ you have to like “how” they kiss to want to move to the next level.
• Ask them what is important to them romantically.
• Tell them where some of your erogenous zones are before you actually have sex together. (Other than the obvious areas of course!)
• Send them an email or text with a sexy message.
• Tease them with tasteful flirtatious comments when you are not in a private intimate setting. Make them want you.
• Ask them what is most important to them in a sexual relationship.
• Tell them what you desire most in the bedroom ~ what makes you feel special.
• Watch their body language when discussing sex ~ is it tense or relaxed? How can you make this a comfortable place for them to want to be?
• Start slowly with the questions & know when to back off. Being too aggressive is not a turn on and can have quite the opposite affect!

Why do some people seem to have an easier time with sexual discussions?

Self confidence is a big attraction for both sexes so the more attention & dating experience you receive, will help build your self esteem to even higher levels. Insecurity is the main reason for many relationships not getting to the next phase because nervousness will keep you from being relaxed “to ask or answer the questions.” This takes time to develop so don’t be hard on yourself if discussing sex isn’t in your comfort zone right away. There are many dating coaches that can help you with this.

Have you ever noticed how “happy people” seem to have a little swagger in their presence? That is because they are usually having regular sex. Disgruntled people are often void of sexual release & could even be feeling very lonely. It can become a repetitive cycle because the negativity worsens with each passing month of a sexless existence. (It would be great if we could just walk up & sniff out our lover like the animal kingdom, but the human population is much more complicated than that. ;))

Here is an honest question to ask yourself;  Do you like sex?

If you are not really interested in sex and just do it once in awhile to make your partner happy, you will definitely need to alter “your thinking.” So many men and women make this mistake & wonder why their partner doesn’t want to come home to them or eventually takes on a lover! Find out what has turned you off liking sex and try to fix the problem.

Ignoring it is not going improve your relationship or your everyday moral. Sex is a feel good part of life and when it is removed, you lose a part of yourself with it. How many times have you heard people say: “She/he needs to get laid?” ~ It’s because they usually do!

Questions to ask “yourself” about your bedroom antics:

• Are you an initiator?
• How secure are you with your body?
• Do you show your partner you are enjoying sex?
• Can your partner tell when you have an orgasm?
• Are you adventurous or repetitive?
• Do you vary the location or prefer sex only in the bedroom?
• Do you make eye contact when making love?
• Do you think “head nods” towards the bedroom are foreplay?
• Are you a communicator in bed? Light moans can be enticing and let your partner know you are enjoying it.
• How loud are you in bed? Do they cover your mouth or put a pillow over your head?
• Are you too quick to climax, too slow or have trouble achieving an orgasm?
• Do you enjoy oral sex or are you uncomfortable about it and don’t like to participate?
• How routine are you in the bedroom & are you open to change?

Answering these questions truthfully can help you understand if you are a good lover or that you may need to spice things up in the bedroom. Practicing them regularly will not only improve your sex life it will make your partner want to run home to you. It will put a spring in your step and will also put one in theirs!❤

An active sex life is the key to a long & healthy relationship. Ask an older couple who has been married for many years what their secret is & you can bet that their sex life has always been an active one. Romance is also the remedy to staying young. It may not keep you winkle free but it will always keep a smile on your face with each approaching year.

Susan McCord @ http://www.sybersue.com
The Dear Sybersue Talk Show