finding love
Am I Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places?
I am saddened by how many men and women complain about the difficulties they have enjoying a successful dating life. Both sexes must learn how to open up and talk to each other without initial harsh judgment or sabotage due to their own subconscious insecurities.
Men & women need to make an effort to understand their gender differences and embrace them instead of finding fault with each other!
Not too long ago a friend of mine was publicly reprimanded by a male radio host for a blog she posted about being an Alpha Female. The guy who started this negative feedback regularly discusses women on his show in a derogatory way.
Why do we do this to each other and why are some men and women so damn angry?
People are just not meeting face to face as often and it is so easy to vent their frustration behind a computer rather than figure out why things aren’t working for them. The biggest change you can make is to get outside and talk to real people!
Hiding behind your dating profile doesn’t help you mingle or give you incentive that there are some really great men and women out there in your city! Listening to others complain online about their dating woes or never meeting anyone of substance can become negatively embedded into your mind.
The reason online dating apps and computer dating is so popular is because both men and women lack ideas or creativity on where to rendezvous when they want to meet a potential date. It also has a lot to do with self-esteem and fear of rejection as well.
The most obvious choice for many is the bar & nightclub scene. This is “one night stand” territory no matter how you look at it. There will always be the exception of a few people who end up in a committed relationship with someone they meet in a club, but for the most part it is a short lived scenario.
Many people wake up the next day & seldom call the number they have in their coat pocket from the night before. (This is mainly due to too much alcohol & lack of confidence to make the phone call. Or they can’t remember the conversation or what they even look like!!)
Meeting in a lounge or a restaurant is a better environment to potentially meet someone but you have to be more confident to actually talk to them without the dance option available at night clubs.
Alcohol is a great relaxer for many women & it also gives men liquid courage to approach a woman. This is why the bar scene is a repetitive hangout for so many frustrated people. Unfortunately it is usually the same old story every weekend & everyone wakes up perturbed & lonely and the pattern continues.
Some of the situations to be aware of when meeting a potential partner:
- If you are using online dating services be aware that some people are only really interested in a sexual relationship. Really pay attention to what their profile says & notice any red flags with their pictures. Photos really are worth a thousand words on most online dating sites and many people choose to ignore these obvious signs!
- Don’t get caught up and blinded by a person’s status! These are men and women who only date or sleep with a certain high profile type. These people usually frequent the same establishments and word travels fast. Do you really want to be known as a groupie? (You may not even be aware that you have this reputation.)
- Be aware of men & women who are looking for a sugar daddy/mama type lifestyle and will only date someone in this financial league. They are usually pretty easy to spot so keep your eyes open and observe. Body language is also a dead giveaway.
- Don’t allow yourself to be the constant mistress! Married men will not come to you continually unless you are sending out vulnerable and available signals. You should never be OK being number 2 in a relationship.
- People who only date the perfect & beautiful types. Their physical standards are so high that everything else is overlooked in the relationship. Both sexes fall into this category.
External riches do not necessarily bring internal riches.
Finding true love should not be abusive or emotionally painful. Getting yourself stuck in a routine will close doors on other available options that could ultimately work for you.
If you classify yourself as a certain “type” or that you only like a certain type of person, you will be forever stuck in repetitive scenarios. Fear can be a powerful relationship suppressor, so be cognizant of forming any patterns that keep you from having love in your life because you are afraid of what may or may not happen.
Challenge those internal demons as to why you don’t feel worthy of having love in your life.
If you don’t have the strength to get out of reoccurring heart breaking situations, then start observing some of your friends who may be stronger than you and follow their lead. (Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to hire someone professionally for a short time.)
Change up your dating patterns & the venues so that you have a better chance of meeting someone of substance. Everyone deserves love!
Some of the 10 best places to meet at least start up a good conversation:
- Golf driving range or at an Executive Par 3 course as less serious golfers will go there. (Unless of course you are a great player!)
- Tennis court (Use the back wall where other solo players will practice.)
- The gym (Be friendly & acknowledge people near you ~ Say hi & take off your headphones!) It really is the easiest place to strike up a conversation.
- Airport (Talk to people in the holding room or restaurants.)
- Hiking trails or a Beach/Park with high people traffic.
- Sporting venue (hockey game, baseball game, soccer match, golf spectator etc.)
- Any mingle social event or lounge (Do not seat yourself in a booth; always stay open to the room.)
- Meet up groups (Check your local area for the numerous groups available or start one of your own! Thursday night pub night or something to that effect.)
- Take a course or join a group activity where there will be men and women attending who have similar interests as you. That way you already have something in common.
- Speed Dating & Online Dating sites/apps (Do your homework & find the best ones that work for you.) Don’t waste much time texting back and forth. If they don’t want to meet up sooner than later, move on.
The worst thing you can do is stay home and complain that you are not meeting anyone or that all men and women are messed up. There are some wonderful people who are just as ready as you are to be in a loving relationship.
Don’t become a non-believer and get stuck in a circle of negative thinking. If it ain’t working change it up!
You are in charge of you, so listen to your instincts and work out the kinks that may be causing you to sabotage love from entering your life. It’s totally your decision and no one else.
We have to stop pointing fingers at each other and be responsible for our own happiness. Being defensive will not bring you what you are looking for long term; it will keep repelling it away from you.
Be open & ready to receive a loving partnership into your life. ❤
Susan McCord @ Please Check Out My YouTube Channel for Videos on similar topics! The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
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Is Your Online Dating Profile Turning People Off?
Would you like to have a relationship but never seem to find the right person on any dating site that you have a connection with?
Online dating can be really frustrating and take a toll on your self esteem! It might be time to tweak your profile description & your photo selection to show who you really are; not someone you think they want!
No one wants a fake person and how long can you play that game for after they meet you in person? Stop the BS and be genuine! Do you want to meet someone who is phoney and embellishing who they are? I don’t think you do…so don’t be that person then.
Attracting love in your life starts with being true to who you are.
If you are playing a different persona you will also attract that towards you. If you want a partnership that has substance and longevity, being authentic with who you are is extremely important.
You are not looking for an opposite love interest, you are looking for unconditional compatibility in a committed relationship, right?
So then it is imperative to be honest and sincere if you want the same thing in return. It’s never too late to change up dating patterns that aren’t working and it’s never too late to have love in your life.
Change your attitude, change your thinking and allow your heart to be truthfully open. You are fabulous just the way you are! ❤
What have you experienced with online dating? Has it worked for you?
Please leave your comments below to help others have a better dating experience.
Susan McCord @ facebook.com/dearsybersue
Dear Sybersue YouTube Channel
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Relationship & Dating Advice: Are you too Judgmental or too Picky?
How would you describe yourself in 3 sentences?
Do you think people know the “real you?”
With less “face to face” contact due to online dating & social media outlets, people are spending more time behind a computer and becoming even more judgmental than ever before. All it takes is the click of a mouse or a swipe to the right and we are on to the next more attractive profile photo without giving any thought to getting to know someone who isn’t our idea of a perfect 10!
Vanity is taking on a whole new look these days because there is so much more importance placed on physical appearance than ever before! Many people are spending too much time posting selfies or half naked photos all over Facebook, Snapchat & Instagram. Why are they trying to impress complete strangers out in Cyberland?
Insecurities lie deep within the majority of the population because many people are not comfortable in their own skin; so that when meeting someone for the first time many men & women are very judgemental and label each other very quickly.
When we are not happy with ourselves, we tend to find fault in others.
It is our own responsibility of how we allow ourselves to be portrayed. Clothes, attitude, hairstyles, and body art, all make an initial statement regardless of whether we think it should. It is a form of expression and usually a good part of who we are at the time.
Dying your hair fuchsia, having 20 facial piercings, overdone plastic surgery and full body tattoos will get definitely get you attention. It is human nature and society that makes the general public react with a quick summation to something that is “out of the norm.”
Don’t be pissed off or surprised when people stare because that is who you want to be at that particular time and you should be proud of it or change it. Honestly ask yourself if this is truly the first impression you want to give off to people; or are you rebelling due to some internal anger or hurt?
After all, body language is an open window to your true character.
First impressions are the building blocks to a second date, which is why it is strongly advised to be “attitude ready” when you are looking for that special person to share your life with. People can change and that includes you. If you feel your past is somewhat questionable with some the choices you have made, the first step is to own them, acknowledge them & forgive yourself.
Everyone makes mistakes in relationships or dating scenarios but they do not always admit or accept their part in the repetitive turmoil that surrounds them. Blaming your life choices on others will only keep you in denial and block your future happiness.
Asking for help is a great way to move towards a positive direction. Having someone to talk to like a counselor/coach, trusted friend or family member can help you with your subconscious actions, that may be damaging your chance at finding a loving person to share your life with.
Once you start seeing the good in people and believe you can have a healthy relationship, you will start to attract the right people towards you. Every time you meet someone new, say 3 things nice about them which will override any negative comments that you initially might want to think that could sabotage it. (You can either say it out loud to them or just say it to yourself until you feel comfortable.) Always focus on the bright & shiny; not the dark & dismal.
Being judgmental doesn’t work for anyone and keeps people in a relationship pattern of short lived partnerships. Don’t get stuck thinking it will never change. We all have a past but it is how we deal with our future that defines our happiness.
We are ALL beautiful and deserve love in our lives.
Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/dearsybersue
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Dear Sybersue: Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?
Dear Sybersue; Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?
I need to address something that really frustrates me. I’m a 35 year old male and I have still not figured anything out yet when it comes to meeting the right woman! Women are just strange creatures indeed; regardless of their age!
Younger women are on a long learning curve about life and I don’t want to spend my life teaching them everything. (They also have this sense of entitlement that drives me crazy! Where did they get these unrealistic expectations anyway?) Many women my own age seem to be on a ticking biological clock and are looking for a man to make babies with. Some of them don’t even care if there is a connection as long as there is a sperm donor. Sorry to be so crass but I’m not making this up!
Older women seem to have more regrets about what they did or didn’t do when they were younger and seem a little edgy or angry for the most part! I’ve never dated an older woman (but I have spoken to many of them) so forgive me if my comment might offend you. I know I am generalizing with all of this but my guy friends agree with me for the most part. All I know is that when it comes to a woman’s needs I bend over backwards until I break. Some women say I try too hard and some say I don’t try hard enough. This is why they all seem so wierd to me! I can’t please any of them, any of the time. If I am too nice I am considered boring or pussy whipped and if I am more evasive and not so eager, I am an as$hole.
What do they really want? If you ask me I think they are the ones who are confused & don’t know what they want or what is important to them! Talk about mixed signals! I know not all men are a great catch either but right now I am just trying to figure out my part in all this. It just seems everyone has become so shallow and quick to judge each other. I just want to be in a normal loving partnership that is reciprocated and healthy.
Is there such a thing or I am delusional hoping there could be?
Thanks, Tony
Dear Tony,
I am not offended at all & I agree with much of your frustration for the most part. You are at the age where you are ready to make some major life decisions and it isn’t easy these days! Men and women have changed and confusion has set in as to what both sexes want anymore! So many people seem to have a guarded attitude which just repels a potential date in the opposite direction. We all need to change our judgmental perceptive on each other to even have the slightest chance at finding love in our lives.
You asked what you can do to change your part in what isn’t working in your love life and there are a few things you can do to change your own attitude. You are in danger of becoming stuck in a negative and jaded place and you are probably in a dating pattern that you aren’t even aware of. You may be attracted to a certain type of woman that doesn’t work for you. Many guys do not even realize that they keep going for the same shallowness because they are only choosing high maintenance women. They make her looks the priority without checking out the whole person. We are all visual creatures but we have be able to look beyond our pulsing loins to meet a quality partner.
Make a list & write down all the important things you really want in a woman & don’t stop reading it until you meet her. Sometimes we don’t find what we really want because we are confused as to what that is. We spend a lot of time saying “we know what we don’t want” but seldom say out loud “we know what we want and what is important” to us.
You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards for anyone in a relationship as it should be a reciprocated partnership where you both do things for each other. There “is” such a thing as being too nice or too doting on someone which can be a turn off for some women. No one wants someone they can push around in the long run ~ they will end up losing respect for that person because they have too much control & not enough excitement or mystery. Being predictable can become boring over the years together and it is healthy & fun to keep them guessing just a little. I don’t mean continually playing games but just to change things up a bit so that it is refreshing when you see each other.
10 Things You Can Do to Change Up Your Dating Scenario:
- In the first stages of meeting someone new, do not put out “all of you” right away.
- Get to know them slowly & watch how they treat you & others around them.
- Change up the type of women you date. Look outside your usual sandbox!
- If there a sense of entitlement & expectations on their part, remove yourself early on. Women who are takers are generally pretty obvious right from the start.
- Be pleasant & respectful with the women you are dating but don’t try too hard! When it is right it has a natural feel to it.
- Stop going to the same places to meet someone. Change up your surroundings.
- Work on your attitude and don’t paint all women the same way by saying they are all weird. You are attracting them towards you for a reason so alter your thinking to attract the right one towards you.
- The most important point in all of this is to know what “you” want, put it out there & believe she will show up in your life.
There is someone for everyone we just need to trust (& not ignore) our instincts, to allow the right one to come in.
Thanks for writing Tony, wishing you much love & happiness always.
xo Sybersue ❤
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How To Survive Being The Last Single Girl In Your Crew Post (by Andrea Wesley The Bolde.com)
Photo Credit:
WeHeartIt at TheBolde.com
This guest post is written by Andrea Wesley from The Bolde! She is one of my talk show co-hosts who has been in my life for over 5 years now. Although Andrea and I are from two different generations we have spent many afternoons discussing dating and relationship topics to no end! Regardless of what birthday you are approaching there is always something to talk about when it comes to love or lack of it! Some of us take longer roads to get there but there is always something to learn and appreciate along the way. Andrea and I both write blogs because of it so that is a bonus to the relationship drama we have both endured over the years.
This post says it all and gives great insight on how to deal with being single when all your friends are in relationships! It is a great read. ❤ Love you Miss Andrea! ❤
How To Survive Being The Last Single Girl In Your Crew Post by Andrea Wesley
The older we get, the more the people around us are settling down and starting lives and families of their own. When you’re the last single girl standing among your group of friends, it can start to feel like you have less and less in common. There was a good chunk of my past few single years where I felt extremely bitter and resentful, or that I was that flawed and tragic friend who never had a date to the party and couldn’t relate to those conversations pertaining to the ups and downs people were experiencing in their loving relationships. As it turns out, being the last one standing without a partner isn’t a bad thing at all, but there’s a particular survival method to get to that place of being completely content with being the last single girl in your crew.
1. Live vicariously through your friends and learn from them. You’d be amazed what you can learn from your friends and what they go through in their relationships. They’ll tell you all the good things you have to look forward to, and also the realities of the struggles of being in a partnership. When you’ve been single for a while, you might start to forget about the compromises that come with being part of a duo. Being the outsider looking in gives you a new perspective on relationships and helps you to recreate the image of what you want for yourself one day, when the lucky guy finally arrives to your single girl party.
Please Click this Link to See More of This Post by Andrea —–>: http://www.thebolde.com/survive-last-single-girl-crew/#sthash.poUSfbTP.dpuf
About The Author
ANDREA WESLEY
Andrea is a 30 year old freelance writer living in the suburbs of Vancouver, Canada. By day, she’s a kale eating, gym going office professional and by night she’s a wine drinking, Netflix loving pizza eater. She also writes a personal blog about her humorous dating adventures and even though she hasn’t found “the one” yet, she keeps entertained by her friends, family and crazy ginger tabby, Jagger.
Susan McCord AKA Dear Sybersue and also Check Out Susan’s Talk Show
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Finding Love: 10 Tips to Help Change Your Dating Patterns
Two Hearts Become One
I have have received quite a few emails from men writing my advice column lately with the same dating question. It seems that many men are perturbed with women & their mixed signals. The women seem to be very interested in the beginning but then start to act disinterested or start playing hard to get by being unavailable or too busy! There has been 8 men corresponding with me regularly from different parts of the world asking me to help them figure out why their dating life is such a problem. They are meeting women online for the most part but two of them are in toxic relationships with women they met through a friend’s introduction.
The common scenario and why these men are all having a similar dating problem is because they are choosing very high maintenance women who have a sense of entitlement attitude. They are so attracted to their physical appearance that they can’t see anything else. So how’s that working for them? It’s not!! I have to say though, they have all been very receptive to my colorful comments and I am impressed at how open they are when I give them honest feedback. They were really listening and trying to get past this shallow place of choosing women strictly for their beauty. They admitted it was like an addiction and hard not to repeat the same scenario.
Without going into detail about their personal issues here are a few of the things the men have shared with me about their experiences with the women they have dated.
- The women walk all over the men and take advantage of their nice guy persona.
- Their expectations are way over the top with regards to the men paying for everything.
- The women are evasive about seeing them again or setting up a future date, but seem really interested!
- They act hot and cold. One day they are super affection the next day they are almost dismissive.
- Use sex as a manipulating tool!
So what is the problem here and isn’t this the same thing that women complain about with regards to dating men?
Both men & women want the same things but they don’t often realize that. It is very interesting how alike we are when it comes to love. Here are some of the checklist priorities that you should adhere too when dating someone.
Advice To Both Sexes:
- Always leave a little bit of mystery about who you are. You don’t need to put your heart, body & soul on the table with every potential partner on the first few dates. Being too accommodating and overly available can be a big turn off in the early stages!
- Do not ever put yourself as number two (taking a backseat to another person etc. If they are too busy or still getting out of a past relationship, move on.)
- Respect their time; being late or canceling last minute is rude and should not be tolerated!
- Do not lead anyone on if you are not interested in them. Seeing someone because you do not want to be alone is selfish and insecure.
- Putting yourself out there too early sexually can send out a different signal than you may want. Sex changes expectations.
- Watch how picky your checklist is! Would you want to meet someone with your outrageous demands?”
- Go out on at least 2 dates before you make your decision. Many people are shy, nervous or reserved when first meeting someone. Give them a chance!
- Being too clingy or overly affectionate is a sign of control or insecurity, so be careful how touchy/feely you are in the beginning. Don’t bombard them with texts either!!
- Both sexes should offer to pay or at least contribute every few dates. Women should not assume it is always the man’s duty. And guys…don’t complain about high maintenance women if you keep choosing them. They aren’t hiding anything so it is your choice to be there. Go with it or get out but don’t paint all women with the same brush.
- If something is uncomfortable or bothering either sex during the date, it should be discussed & not left to fester. Communication is the key to a good relationship.
It is very important to always respect yourself first. How you act on those first few dates is setting a precedent on how things will be expected each time you see them. If you try too hard, come across needy or you are willing to pull out your wallet at every given chance; you are setting yourself up for a repetitive dating pattern. Own your part in why things are not working out the way you would like and things will start to change for you and your dating life. If you are constantly exasperated with either meeting the wrong people or not dating at all, there is something within yourself that you are doing to sabotage your happiness. It is never too late to change what isn’t working and find the love you deserve. ❤
Susan McCord @ Dear Sybersue Talk Show http://www.youtube.com/tc/susanmccord
