ADVICE COLUMN POSTS

Susan’s Dating/Relationship & Lifestyle Advice Column for Men & Women

Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People to Date?
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Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People to Date?

What is wrong with me and why do I keep repeating these same dating patterns?

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Social media and computer dating is becoming the norm with how people interact these days. Mingle meet up groups are trying to make a comeback but people still seem to be stuck to their smart phones rather than being open to meeting in person!

People are lonelier than ever because of how some of these dating websites seem to attract superficial men and women who are just out to play games.

There are some happy endings that eventually transpire but why are there so many more stories that don’t work out?  Why do some people keep enticing a certain negative “type” into their existence,  which continually puts them back out into the dating pool?

If you have met a lot of these unfavorable types, you are doing something to attract them towards you.

Regardless of whether you believe in “The Law of Attraction” there is something to it. Negativity attracts negativity.  Everyone is entitled to finding love, but if you are always repeating the same unfulfilling scenario, how is it beneficial in the long run?

There are many women who only meet “Bad Boys” because they are allowing them to keep coming into their life. For some reason they think it is exciting to be treated like crap.

There are also men that only meet pretentious, materialistic hot women, because they are choosing “her looks” as the top priority.  The end result is both sexes are constantly complaining about each other!

Going for the same brand of person which keeps backfiring into a non-existent love life takes years for some people to figure out. “Changing the pattern will change who you meet.” As simple as that sounds it seems to be the biggest mistake men and women repeatedly make.

Why is that?

Many people react out of anger when something happens that is repetitive and unrewarding in their life. This annoying cycle continues because they don’t understand that they are in denial of their own actions!

When a person becomes jaded or angry about the same thing over and over again, wouldn’t it make sense to investigate why it is affecting them to that level?

I see it all the time on the comment section under some YouTube videos.  So many men and women continually vent their frustrations about the same subject, rather than learning how to deal with why it bothers them so much.

This is especially true regarding both sexes in the dating market. If something isn’t working, isn’t it a good idea to fix it rather than bitching about it to anyone who will listen?

No one wants to hear it except for a few others who are also angry about the same thing.  Misery loves company and saying that, I rest my case…negativity attracts more negativity.

Is it really easier to constantly complain about some things that cause drama in your life than to find a solution that betters your world?

We are all guilty of sounding like a broken record at some point in our lives but the people who quickly understand how dangerously repetitive this is, are the ones who move on to find happiness.

If your love-life sucks, be honest about the part you play in it.

I can’t stress enough that we are all in charge of how our lives evolve and that ultimately the choices we make are ours. Yes, we all land in the school of hard knocks while finding out who we are, but the sooner we learn and own the lesson, the faster we move on to a healthier foundation.

So stop repeating the same old story and quit talking about what you don’t want in your life. Talk about a future relationship like you won a lottery!  Think about all those wonderful things you would be able to do and how positive you would feel with less stress and more love in your life.

Thinking happy thoughts and keeping hope alive helps put out positive vibrations that eventually boomerang back towards you.

There is enough love out there for everyone and you deserve it just as much as anyone else does. You don’t ever have to settle for an unhealthy situation so quit allowing yourself to choose them. ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Advice Talk Show

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Dear Sybersue ~ Why Do I Always Meet Manipulative Girls Who Treat Me Like Sh#t?

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Dear Sybersue,

I always seem to meet lying and manipulative girls who treat me like shit even though I’m a great guy.

Why is that?

I  recently gave the same girl 3 different chances to stop treating me like crap, yet she was soon back to her old ways. This has happened numerous times with other women I have dated. I don’t understand girls, why are they all like this?

Thanks for your feedback!

MN

Dear MN,

Not all women are like this, just the ones you are dating at the moment. I would be curious to see what these girls look like. You may be prioritizing the physical attraction & ignoring the red flags of their true character on the first few dates. When we are sexually drawn to someone we tend to let a lot of things slide in the beginning & overlook obvious warning signs.

Giving someone 3 chances “to be a good person” is too many.  They should be wonderful right from the start & treat you well or you need to walk away.

You are sending off some signal for these type of women to notice you & you may want to analyze that to some degree. I’m not sure how old you are but we do tend to deal with this scenario a lot more in our early twenties than any other time in our life. This is the experimental stage of life &  there can be lots of emotional scaring while we are learning about ourselves and what we truly want in our lives.

Attracting & choosing this type of woman can also stem from an abandonment issue, an unloving childhood situation or bad role models. (Or in many cases, no role models and little guidance in your youth.)

Talk to someone non-judgmental that you can really trust & confide in and maybe they can help you see a pattern that you have created. It is difficult to see these traits in ourselves but the sooner we know why we are repeatedly dating the wrong people is the day we can find real love and a happy relationship.

Having boundaries, believing you are worthy of love and always respecting yourself first, will eventually stop these girls from coming towards you.

Thanks for writing MN,

Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Dear Sybersue: Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?
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Dear Sybersue: Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?

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Dear Sybersue;  Women are Weird! Do They Even Know What They Want?

I need to address something that really frustrates me.  I’m a 35 year old male and I have still not figured anything out yet when it comes to meeting the right woman!  Women are just strange creatures indeed; regardless of their age!

Younger women are on a long learning curve about life and I don’t want to spend my life teaching them everything. (They also have this sense of entitlement that drives me crazy! Where did they get these unrealistic expectations anyway?) Many women my own age seem to be on a ticking biological clock and are looking for a man to make babies with. Some of them don’t even care if there is a connection as long as there is a sperm donor. Sorry to be so crass but I’m not making this up!

Older women seem to have more regrets about what they did or didn’t do when they were younger and seem a little edgy or angry for the most part!  I’ve never dated an older woman (but I have spoken to many of them) so forgive me if my comment might offend you. I know I am generalizing with all of this but my guy friends agree with me for the most part.  All I know is that when it comes to a woman’s needs I bend over backwards until I break.  Some women say I try too hard and some say I don’t try hard enough. This is why they all seem so wierd to me! I can’t please any of them, any of the time. If I am too nice I am considered boring or pussy whipped and if I am more evasive and not so eager, I am an as$hole.

What do they really want?  If you ask me I think they are the ones who are confused & don’t know what they want or what is important to them! Talk about mixed signals! I know not all men are a great catch either but right now I am just trying to figure out my part in all this. It just seems everyone has become so shallow and quick to judge each other. I just want to be in a normal loving partnership that is reciprocated and healthy.

Is there such a thing or I am delusional hoping there could be?

Thanks, Tony 

Dear Tony,

I am not offended at all & I agree with much of your frustration for the most part. You are at the age where you are ready to make some major life decisions and it isn’t easy these days!  Men and women have changed and confusion has set in as to what both sexes want anymore! So many people seem to have a guarded attitude which just repels a potential date in the opposite direction. We all need to change our judgmental perceptive on each other to even have the slightest chance at finding love in our lives.

You asked what you can do to change your part in what isn’t working in your love life and there are a few things you can do to change your own attitude. You are in danger of becoming stuck in a negative and jaded place and you are probably in a dating pattern that you aren’t even aware of.  You may be attracted to a certain type of woman that doesn’t work for you. Many guys do not even realize that they keep going for the same shallowness because they are only choosing high maintenance women. They make her looks the priority without checking out the whole person. We are all visual creatures but we have be able to look beyond our pulsing loins to meet a quality partner.

Make a list & write down all the important things you really want in a woman & don’t stop reading it until you meet her.  Sometimes we don’t find what we really want because we are confused as to what that is. We spend a lot of time saying “we know what we don’t want” but seldom say out loud “we know what we want and what is important” to us.

You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards for anyone in a relationship as it should be a reciprocated partnership where you both do things for each other. There “is” such a thing as being too nice or too doting on someone which can be a turn off for some women. No one wants someone they can push around in the long run ~ they will end up losing respect for that person because they have too much control & not enough excitement or mystery.  Being predictable can become boring over the years together and it is healthy & fun to keep them guessing just a little.  I don’t mean continually playing games but just to change things up a bit so that it is refreshing when you see each other.

10 Things You Can Do to Change Up Your Dating Scenario:

  • In the first stages of meeting someone new, do not put out “all of you” right away.
  • Get to know them slowly & watch how they treat you & others around them.
  • Change up the type of women you date. Look outside your usual sandbox!
  • If there a sense of entitlement & expectations on their part, remove yourself early on.  Women who are takers are generally pretty obvious right from the start.
  • Be pleasant & respectful with the women you are dating but don’t try too hard! When it is right it has a natural feel to it.
  • Stop going to the same places to meet someone. Change up your surroundings.
  • Work on your attitude and don’t paint all women the same way by saying they are all weird. You are attracting them towards you for a reason so alter your thinking to attract the right one towards you.
  • The most important point in all of this is to know what “you” want, put it out there & believe she will show up in your life.

There is someone for everyone we just need to trust (& not ignore) our instincts, to allow the right one to come in.

Thanks for writing Tony, wishing you much love & happiness  always. 

 xo Sybersue ❤

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Dear Sybersue: How Can I Have a Loving Relationship & Keep My Successful Career?

All Work and No Play Will Keep Potential Relationships Away

All Work and No Play Will Keep Potential Relationships Away

Dear Sybersue,

I am very successful and really motivated with my career but I do not have time to date much right now. I am an attractive, outgoing 33 year old woman but worry that if I spend too much time outside of the relationship market, I may end up screwing myself down the road. (pun intended!) How do I make both my career and love life a healthy compromise? Men say they like independent women but my experience has always been the opposite. It seems to scare them off!

My schedule is intense but I have a great group of assistants that I could delegate some of my demanding work load to so that I could take a few afternoons off. They constantly take over some of the time consuming tasks at the office to push me out of the front door so that I can have a life. I admit I am a workaholic which is becoming a lonely habit and making me somewhat reclusive. I used to be a fun woman with many friends and never had trouble getting a date. But that was 8 years ago and since then I have become one of those people that are “all about my career!”  Everyone thinks it is such an easy solution but I am addicted to my job and the fact that it is my baby, makes it even harder to take time away from.

What can I do to get out of this annoying scenario I have put myself in?

Hopeful Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Your question is one that many established career women ask themselves today. It is not easy to be a successful business woman, run a household, raise a family and be a loving wife. There are definite compromises that will be needed to help it all flow and not leave you exhausted in a robotic state with nothing left for romance or relationship nurturing. One of the big reasons couples divorce is when a partner repetitively becomes the last priority. Maintaining the love in your life is just as important as stepping up the next ladder rung to a higher career level. What’s that expression? “It can be very lonely at the top.”

You sent me your question because you really do want to change things in your life and you are finally understanding that as much as you love your job, there is something missing. Even your employees are encouraging you to get out and meet someone. You are 33 years old and if you don’t want your career to be “your only baby,” you might want to learn how to start sharing your energy in other ways.

5 Simple Steps to Help you Start Dating Again:

  1. Take a few hours a day to get outside the office and your home to do something fun! Put yourself in a mingle environment that forces you to interact with others. The gym, a pub (sit at the bar!) go to a group event or take a cross training or spin class. Anywhere that people talk to each other!
  2. Don’t pressure yourself to date right away. If you do meet someone quickly though, keep it simple and light-hearted. Do not discuss work at all after you leave the office!
  3. Rekindle your friendships that have been put on the back burner and be open to meeting new friends as well. This will help you get out and socialize which will allow you to meet more people and possibly a fun guy later on.
  4. Familiarize yourself with dating sites, apps or the new single’s hangouts in your city. Get to know what to expect since you have been out of the market for the last 8 years. Things are much different in your 30’s than they were in your 20’s.
  5. Say yes to invitations! Don’t find excuses or sabotage things because you are scared of someone taking you away from you career. You can have both but you have to compromise to do so.

Here are a Few Things you Can do to Maintain a Healthy Balance in Your Life:

  • Choose a partner that appreciates your ambitions. He should be happy that you have a life which allows him to have one too. (Most men do not want a clingy woman who lives solely for her man. They do not like to feel smothered.)
  • He should be somewhat career oriented as well or he may resent your accomplishments down the road. Men still like to bring home the buffalo, so to speak!
  • Be careful how aggressively independent you are. Some women put up big walls that they don’t need a man! (It’s OK to put on the tool belt once in awhile ladies but you still have to let your guy share some of those tools.) It is important to show a man you want him in your life which is better than needing a man anyway.
  • When you are in a relationship it is important to respect each other’s individuality but also be totally invested in your part of “who you are as a couple.” One sided relationships do not work!
  • Helping each other with work scenarios, believing in each others goals, & supporting each others dreams are relationship builders.
  • Never be too busy to take their call, answer their questions or make them feel like you can do it all without them. We all like to feel wanted & appreciated.

When you are in a relationship as a busy career couple; I suggest hiring someone to help out at home so you neither of you are tied to household duties, as well as your work commitments. You did not mention whether you wanted to have children, but if you do decide to start a family down the road, schedule time for regular date nights where the two of you can have some quality alone time. Ask for help occasionally from your family, that way the kids get to see their relatives and not just a babysitter. Hire a teenager in the neighborhood to mow your lawn, get your groceries or other errands. It is worth the few dollars in the long run and gives you more time for your relationship.

(Be realistic when deciding about having a family as some careers don’t allow much time for a personal life or for raising children; which should always take priority over work.)

Being an attractive & intelligent woman you will always have plenty of opportunities to meet someone, but you must show that you are receptive to it. Let down your guard & the “I’m too busy with my career” wall.  Be honest with yourself if choosing a career over having a family is your preference, but don’t make the mistake of not making time for love in your life! Relationships are wonderful and happen when your heart is available. When you aren’t desperately looking for love, it finds you!  Keep you eyes, mind and heart open but don’t give up your aspirations or passions just because you think you can’t have both. Believe you can and make the changes to allow it

Love happens at all ages and sometimes fate brings it around at the perfect time.

Good Luck and stay true to yourself.

Sybersue xo

Dear Sybersue ~ My Girlfriend’s Sarcastic Sense of Humor is Ruining our Relationship!
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Dear Sybersue ~ My Girlfriend’s Sarcastic Sense of Humor is Ruining our Relationship!

Heart of Eternity

Heart of Eternity

Dear Sybersue,

I hope you can help me with this and I appreciate you being totally honest with how you respond. My girlfriend of 5 years is a beautiful 32 year old woman but she is very unhappy in her job as a waitress. (On the opposite end of the spectrum I love my job as a firefighter!) We live together and were inseparable for the first 3 years.  She has always been a little sarcastic and I used to think it was funny & meant in a lighthearted way. Now I feel she is using her “so called humor” at my expense & I do not find it humorous in the least!  It is very derogatory. She has a few girlfriends that she treats the same way and I have noticed they are coming around less & less. I have told her how I feel but she just can’t seem to help herself and is still sarcastic on a daily basis. I am almost ready to leave our relationship but I still love her and had planned on marrying her!

What do you suggest?

Almost Done Daniel

ANSWER

Hi Daniel,

I am so glad you wrote! I am not a fan of sarcasm and never have been. It has a very small place in the world of communication but occasionally there can be some funny one liners & needed comebacks. For the most part though, it is a nasty way of verbalizing what someone really wants to say in a negative way, especially in a relationship! They think if they add humor it will lose the real intent of their feelings. Continual sarcasm is used by people who are insecure for the most part. It makes them feel better by shutting someone else down in a “playful” way. The problem is, it isn’t playful after the second & third time it is repeated.

You mentioned your girlfriend is not happy in her job, which is probably where her insecurity stems from. She is mad at herself for not changing her life & takes it out on you by using these sarcastic jabs. You on the other hand, have a heroic job where many women put you on a pedestal. This just adds fuel to her insecurities & she unknowingly sabotages your relationship. She is jealous of your life because she feels inferior to you and your accomplishments. She needs a wake up call before she loses you completely.

If you truly love her & want to salvage this partnership, these five things need to be addressed:

1) She needs to leave her job ~ which means you will have to be by her side supporting her emotionally & mentally while she goes to school or learns a new career. ( She may need a little help financially if she has to take less work shifts to do this.)

2) Communicate to her how this sarcasm has to stop or you will leave the house every time she uses it. It is not to be tolerated and she needs to realize how often it is happening. (No confrontation, just remove yourself from the situation.) If she doesn’t try to make any changes at all then you may have to leave the house for good with your suitcase in hand.

3) Make sure you are giving her positive feedback on a regular basis as this will contribute to her feeling less insecure as well. She may need some counselling if this problem is rooted deeper than just changing her job. There could be some childhood self-esteem insecurities that she hasn’t dealt with.

4) Remember; It’s not your job to FIX her but be supportive while she is making these changes to her life. Give yourself a time limit of how long you are willing to be there and make sure she is really sincere on working things out in your relationship. You have been there for 5 years and if she is not serious about you as a couple you need to move on.

5) She needs to apologize to you and her friends that have walked away & tell you all that she is dealing with her issues. She must own her part in the demise of your relationship and these fizzling friendships, which is the biggest part of any type of therapy.

Making these alterations should put you on your way to a stronger & healthier relationship. Good for you for caring and taking the time and the effort to make things better at home. So many people would just walk out & not even try to understand how to correct it. Your girlfriend may just need a little understanding and some professional coaching to change her ways. At the very least you have done all that you can do to make it work out for your partnership which shows how much you love her Daniel. Hopefully she sees what a great guy she has and changes her ways. ❤

Keep me posted!

Sybersue

Dear Sybersue Talk Show @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

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Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People & How do I Change this Dating Pattern?

Dear Sybersue is a Funny & Informative Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Advice Talk Show for Men & Women of all Ages! Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord discusses The question: Why do I keep Attracting The Wrong People and How do I Change this Dating pattern?

How often do you hear people say how frustrated they are with trying to meet someone and that they have basically given up on the whole dating thing? It takes two people to be in a relationship and two people to make it work. This means that each person is responsible for “their part” in the whole process in the building of a future partnership.

It’s not always the other person’s fault when a relationship fizzles or has trouble getting past the first few dates; but most of us like to think it is, so we don’t have to take any ownership of another failed scenario. Some people really do not see or understand that they are in a repetitive pattern going around and round in circles. They just keep getting annoyed that things never work out for them in the love department. They start to make excuses about why things aren’t working and even become jaded in some cases. There are a lot of sad, hurt and lonely single men and women that could fix this situation if they just took the time to think about how they may be contributing to this problem.

Watch this video to see how to get the Love you want in your life!

Susan McCord @ http/www.facebook.com/Dating RelationshipTalkShow

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Dear Sybersue ~ Please Help Me I am Getting so Fed up With The Whole Dating Crap!

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#DearSybersue is now an an #Advicecolumnist contributor with #SWEXPERTS 

Dear Sybersue,

I am writing in frustration due to the dating scenarios I have experienced this past year. First of all before I sound like some kind of high maintenance woman, I am very self sufficient and independent. I don’t need a man but I want a man to share my life with on all levels.

I am open to meeting men of all types but it seems I keep attracting the same guys with similar attitudes! I am friendly, have a great sense of humor; I am very outgoing and have no trouble holding an intelligent conversation. I am told I am very attractive and look younger than my 33 years. I have a job I love and make a very good salary. The problem I often encounter on the first few dates is with men bluntly pointing out who they think I am as a person. They try to squash my accomplishments or make sarcastic comments about how I am probably a “ball buster” and like to control men! Seriously who says crap like that? I am nothing but polite and receptive to these guys so why is this happening? *Please click on the link below to continue reading…

http://www.theswexperts.com/dear-sybersue-please-help-me-i-am-getting-so-fed-up-with-the-whole-dating-crap/