Relationships: My Girlfriend is Losing Interest! What Should I do?

Relationships: My Girlfriend is Losing Interest! What Should I do?

Dear Sybersue:

My girlfriend of 2 months is starting to pull away from me with no reason that I can think of. She just started not returning my texts and saying she was busy all the time. We started out so well and everything just clicked between us!

She is 38 ( I am 35) and has dated a lot over the years but has never really had a long term boyfriend. I did see a few things early on that made me question her commitment to me but I didn’t pressure her with questions and just kept things going in a non-aggressive way so that she had some space.

Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be working and I feel her moving further and further away from me.

I have fallen pretty hard for her! What should I do?

Cory B.

Hi Cory B,

Thanks for your question and I can tell you that you are not alone with this inquiry! I have had 5 similar emails in the last few months from both men & women.

It is a confusing time in the land of dating & relationships and there are more mixed signals than ever before! Part of the reason for this is the lack of real communication skills many people have from spending so much time online, rather that in a face to face scenario.

When we finally meet someone that excites us we go “all in” like a Texas holdem poker game betting on something we don’t know the outcome of but looks really good at the time!

Taking a chance on love is a good thing but we have to be smart and listen to our instincts before we invest our heart fully into this person we don’t know yet.

You said there were a few red flags that you noticed early on but you chose to sweep them aside. You also said she hasn’t had any real committed partnerships. Do you know why this is?  Have you actually asked her why she is pulling back?

When love is real there aren’t a lot of questions or any game playing. That is because there is a reciprocated respect for each other.

It is not your place to try to fix her or spend years trying to figure out why may be commitment phobic. All you can do is be honest with how you feel and if she is not into a relationship she needs to tell you.

The 3-6 month mark in a relationship is usually when things either start to improve or dissolve between a couple. If you are questioning everything between the two of you after 2 months together, you may already have your answer with which direction you are headed towards.

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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Relationships: Does Your Partner Talk Down to you or Try to Squash you?

In the video above Dear Sybersue talks about “your” relationship. Is it balanced and healthy or does your partner belittle you and try to squash who you are as a person?

A partnership needs to be nurtured with encouragement & love! There is no place for negative comments or ridiculing in a relationship. One sided relationships need to be addressed and the communication between a couple should never be put on the back burner.

When you ignore the big red flags in your life you are not in alignment with yourself and your needs. Don’t let things go past the point of trying to repair your relationship. Sharing & reciprocating your feelings with your partner will at least give you some clarity on what is really going on with the two of you.

Don’t ever be afraid to have respect for yourself. Your relationship should be your safe place; free of drama, anxiety and negativity.

Susan McCord @facebook.com/dearsybersue

youtube.com/dearsybersue

Dear Sybersue: Don’t Lose Sleep over a Hot & Cold Relationship-NEXT!

Pixabay blonde in bed -873769_960_720

Don’t Lose Sleep Over a Hot & Cold Relationship NEXT!

Dear Sybersue,

I am in a relationship with a guy who seems to be only half interested in me! Some days he is so amazing & loving and then other days he is so removed and distant. We have been together for 9 months. He is 41 years old, crazy fit & handsome, never been married, but has dated a lot!! I met him online (Plenty of Fish) where he has been active for the last 4 years. I know from watching many of your videos that you are thinking; “4 years? WTF?” I also questioned that, and when I asked him about it he said he just hadn’t met anyone he felt a connection with until he met me. Yah I know, great line right?

I am 36 and very ready to be in a committed partnership & become a mom. He knows this as it was not a secret on my POF profile. I don’t believe in stupid games or playing hard to get, so I just spell it out there for everyone to see. I am not a serial dater and would rather spend time with quality men than have numerous “1st date” scenarios. Saying all that I am literally losing sleep over this man and trying to make sense of his blatant mood swings! It has been like this from day one but it is now happening pretty much every other day that I see him!

I thought this guy was one of those quality types I like, but now I am wondering if I got it wrong! He says he is exclusively committed to me and has even talked about us living together soon. I see him about 3 days per week when he has time from his busy work schedule. He says he likes kids but hasn’t expressed any desire to start a family yet. He is an only child and doesn’t seem close with his parents. I have never met them (although they supposedly live in our same city) and he doesn’t talk openly about them or his childhood. I don’t push the subject although I am starting to be very curious about it all now! Who is he really? What makes him tick?

I question our relationship every time he goes from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde but then I get sucked back in over and over again. Why is that you ask? Because…when it’s good it’s SO GOOD! He doesn’t tell me he loves me often but he can be quite romantic!! Sex is great when he is “in to me” and then void of any affection at all on his “off days” with me.

How can someone be so hot and cold? Is there hope for us as a couple or is it a doomed situation and I should just move on?

Help me Sybersue, I am starting to get really pissed off with the way he is dealing with all of this! What is his story??

Angie xo

Dear Angie,

Thank you so much for your question as I know many men and women would also like to know how to handle this type of scenario. I am glad you are starting to get pissed off because that is when you will begin to find out the answers you are looking for. Just accepting his “on and off” behavior is not healthy for you and if he can’t be honest as to why he is doing this, there may be some ghosts & goblins hidden in his closet that he is not sharing with you. You haven’t met his parents after 9 months which says he either has family issues or he is not as committed to you as he says he is. Neither of these are what you want in a partnership. He is definitely holding something back from you.

The fact that he has been a serial dater for 4 years (that you know of) and not yet met someone he wants to commit to at 41 is a sign that he is probably commitment phobic. After 9 months together you are entitled to question him on these things and I would start doing that very soon. It’s not OK for him to treat you in this hot and cold manner. If you are going to give your heart to someone you need to know where you stand with him! You said that you spelled things out with him in the very beginning so he knows you want a committed relationship with all the bells & whistles attached. The problem with that is he can use this as a manipulation tool and just give you enough to keep you interested without going to full distance! Talk is cheap remember?

His constant mixed signals are red flags that show his guarded personality. You shouldn’t have to question his feelings for you when it is RIGHT. I am not saying he can’t eventually change his ways, but it is not up to you to fix him. If he is not willing to talk to you or see a counselor about why he is behaving this way, then I would suggest you end things and move on to find a more loving and reciprocated partnership where there are no questions. This situation you are in gives a whole new meaning to give & take! (You give and he takes!) We all have stuff to deal with in life but it is HOW we deal with it that allows us to grow to our best potential and remove negative patterns that continue to screw our life up.

Since he has brought up living together (and depending on whether he is sincere about doing this) ask him the following questions before you make any decisions:

1.“Can I meet your family first?” (This could tell you a lot about who he is after meeting them.)

2. Ask him if he is sure he wants children & when he sees that happening in his life. (Since this is really important to you, you should be happy with his answer. If he is evasive then you know he is not ready and maybe never will be. He is 41 after all.

3. Is he interested in getting married? Living together, to some people means commitment but they have no desire to take the next step to the Altar.

4. How does he think he will handle going from seeing you 3 days a week to living together full time? (You also need to ask yourself why you are OK with him controlling these 3 days when it only suits HIS schedule? Why is it totally up to him?)

5. Ask him if he really loves you and if so why he doesn’t tell you often?

No one wants to hear that they are a part time girlfriend but if you allow yourself to only get part of the guy you are in a relationship with, then that is the title you will end up with. Your vision of what you want for your future leaves no questions for your boyfriend to try to figure out. You have been honest and to the point. He knows what you want!

Unfortunately you may have been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to what he wants. Don’t get sucked in to his “maybes” or “later on down the road baby” comments that he throws out from time to time. You’re a smart girl, you know if he is really invested or not. Talking yourself into staying in this relationship because your biological clock is ticking away, is not being true to yourself. Don’t sell yourself short and miss out on the things you truly want. Go get them! Respect yourself & respect your time!

Don’t make a man “your everything” because you will have nothing left if your relationship falls apart. He should be a big part of your life but you are the main course. Never lose sight of who you are or settle for less than what you deserve.

I hope you figure things out and will keep in touch. Thanks for writing.

http://www.theswexperts.com/dear-sybersue-dont-lose-sleep-over-a-hot-cold-relationship-next/

Susan McCord is a Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Blogger/Talk Show Host, Published Author, Advice Columnist, Interviewer & Certified Life Coach. She attended BCIT in Burnaby, B.C. for studies in Broadcasting. Susan is an Advice Columnist @ Dear Sybersue which is also the title of her book available at Amazon, Itunes, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble and many other book platforms.
Susan was recently named a VIP member of Worldwide Branding. This special distinction honors individuals who have shown exceptional commitment to achieving personal and professional success. Susan has devoted her career to helping others find happiness. Over the past decade she has established a stellar reputation as a sought-after dating & relationship expert, advice columnist, blogger & interviewer. She is best known for hosting a lifestyle talk show for an International audience on YouTube and has garnered more than 1.4 million views which consists of interviews, dating/relationship/lifestyle advice & comical skits. She is also an EXPERT Writer & Dating Adviser at examiner.com. She makes you think!

 

Dear Sybersue ~ I Have no Tolerance for Relationship Red Flags! NEXT!

Relationship Red Flags are warning signs that your date or partner puts out that should make your intuitive antenna stand to attention!

This topic may seem like a never ending discussion but there is a reason for that!  Many people continue to ignore those “spidey senses” or better known as their gut intuition.   People are more willing to settle now due to the difficulty in meeting someone today and will overlook many of the obvious red flag obstacles.  We are all stuck behind our careers, computers & smart phones which makes it harder to have face to face connections but that doesn’t mean we should become ignorant about things!

The 10 Most Obvious Red Flags Not To Be Overlooked In The Early Stages Of A Relationship:

• Possessiveness
• They say they are going to call & don’t.
• They are always late  (A clear indication that their time is more important than yours.)
• Lying (about their age, job, their single status, or their past.)
• They use a lot of sarcasm!
• They have no friends or talk negatively about the few they do have.
• They have a large checklist!
• They do not divulge anything about themselves on a personal level.
• Promotes them self & asks little about you.
• Extremely defensive & invalidates your opinions or views.

Red Flags in a Relationship

Red Flags in a Relationship

Here Are Some Of The Most Common Red Flags:

1) Someone who make excuses why they are too busy to get together when the real reason is ~ they just aren’t that into you but want to keep their options open.  Please watch this video about “Taking a break in a relationship”

2) They pick a fight with you so they can go to Vegas or other weekend ventures with their friends.

3) They often call you for late night booty calls.

4) They call you last minute for a date on a Friday/Saturday night! (How far down the dating list were you?)

5) Still living at home with mama after 25 & they are not in University.

6) They are constantly jealous. This is often because of what they are doing or thinking behind your back.

7) They regularly use humor at your expense. This is a huge sign of insecurity and you should run as fast as you can. No one should use you as their means of so called humor.

8) Ladies: If your date shows up with a station wagon and child seats, make sure he really is single!

9) Constantly talking about an EX.

10) Easily angered all the time, abusive to restaurant staff or has road rage on a regular basis.

11) Men: Gold diggers are pretty obvious, so make sure she is worth every penny of your reputation! You may think you look good with her on your arm but the whole world knows why she is there. (If that is OK with you, milk it for every cent it is going to cost you!)

12) People who say they are separated but you can’t call them at work or home & you never get to go to their place. (They communicate through texting & when you do get a phone call they sound like they are in the shower ~ bathrooms are a cheaters favorite location!)

13) If they tell you their relationship is over but they can’t leave their situation right now.  If they can’t put them self out there 100%, they shouldn’t be dating and you shouldn’t date them hoping things will improve.

14) Anyone who neglects their children “for you” shows their true colors very early.  Children should always come first or at least close to an equal priority. Deadbeat parents are not acceptable.

15) Ladies, unless you like cross dressers, coming across any female underwear in their bachelor home is the biggest red flag you will ever have in front of your face.

16) They have a dog or pet that takes priority in their bed over you. (They even have their own pillow!)

17) “In” fast usually means “Out” fast ~ watch how quickly they promise you the world.

18) They are secretive about things, especially their past.

Recognizing & acknowledging the smaller red flags during the early stages of a relationship & discussing them, can help make the relationship better understood. Not all red flags mean the demise of a relationship but your morals & boundaries should not be compromised.

Some red flags should never be ignored or overlooked and should be addressed without naivety or ignorance. Violence, uncontrolled anger and rage, drinking and drug abuse, persistent gambling, or infidelities during the early stages of a relationship are signs that the relationship should be terminated.

Too many of us waste time trying to believe in someone because we don’t want to be alone. Why do we do that to ourselves?  Believe in yourself first & know that you are worthy of a loving partnership.  Learn from each relationship or situation to better yourself & your choices in the future.  Repetitive patterns and allowing these red flag scenarios will keep you in abusive & drama filled situations.  When you come to terms with your insecurities that are allowing these type of relationships to happen, you will start to make wiser connections that are healthy. Acknowledging your short comings & behavioral patterns will be the savior in not allowing these people to keep entering your life.  You will start to see a clearer picture of the type of relationship you desire and really deserve.

Your self-worth is the key to your happiness.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com.twobeavers

Dear Sybersue; I have been in an “On and Off” Long Distance Relationship with my guy.

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Life’s Sunsets

Dear Sybersue;

I have been in an “On and Off” Long Distance Relationship with my guy but I think “the sun may have set” for the last time & it is really over now.

My boyfriend Jared and I have broken up 3 or 4 times each time lasting from only a few hours to a few days, with the exception of this last break which has lasted for over 3 weeks with no contact. He lives 3 hours away from me but we still managed to stay together by compromising and meeting halfway for the past 18 months. Jared is my very first love and I am also his first love.

Before we met, he was the type of guy who just didn’t settle down with one woman! He hooked up with many girls but never really knew what a relationship was. I was the first women he committed to.  He says I taught him many things about love even though our relationship has always been a bumpy ride dealing with lies, mistrust, jealousy, long distance, and both of us cheating on each other.

We both wanted to stay with each other regardless of all the obstacles because we truly did love each other and wanted no one else. The last break up was because he felt like he wanted to be single again. He said that our constant fights were getting to him and that we needed a break, as he did not feel quite the same anymore.  He has a hectic schedule with 2 jobs, his fitness regime; a busy family life and many friends, but has always made time for me at least once a week.

The main reason he wants this breakup is because he is envious of his friends that are in normal relationships without all the problems of a long distance partnership.  He wants to be alone now and he is sorry for everything that went wrong & said he will never love a girl the way he loved me. Maybe I am in denial but I just can’t accept that it is over as we were so perfect together! We were even talking about getting an apartment together but I told him it was best that I stay with my family until we had the money. 

Maybe the time apart will do us good so he can figure himself out, grow up a little and maybe we can rekindle our relationship later. What do you think? I am confused as he told me he loved me 4 days ago and now we’re not together anymore. What do you think?

Kim

Dear Kim,

Your first love can be a very confusing time in your life because it is a new emotion you have never dealt with before. It is such a wonderful euphoric feeling that you don’t want to let go of it despite many of the obstacles. Having a long distance relationship is very difficult to maintain due to insecurities a couple often feels while they are apart.This sounds like one of the biggest concerns for him due to the fact that he is envious of couples that do not have a geographical situation. This is could be the reason for your constant fighting.

You mentioned that you both cheated on each other during your 18 months together which is a big red flag that your relationship has issues! You said you were the first girl he committed to, but in reality he has not been committed at all. You have broken up numerous times, you have been sexual with other people, and now he says he wants to be single again. I believe that he loves you but love is not always enough to keep a partnership together. Taking a break is not the answer either because when a relationship is right, you don’t walk away from each other.

You are both young and you are right that he may need time to grow up a bit and find himself. Say goodbye for now but don’t hang on waiting for him to come back. Live your own life without worrying about his “on and off again” feelings, or what may happen with regards to rekindling something with him. If it happens down the road you can make the decision then. Breaking up 3 or 4 times in 18 months is not a healthy relationship and you need to move on so that you stop repeating this ongoing drama you have with him.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason but it is important to know when their time has expired, so you can guide yourself toward a more suitable partnership that brings you happiness. Relationships can be a bit of a challenge but they shouldn’t be a continual roller coaster ride. Maintaining your self respect should always be adhered to with anyone that enters your life. Be careful that you don’t get addicted to the breakup/makeup highs & lows as it could become a pattern in future relationships.

Thanks for writing Kim xo

Sybersue @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers