I am so happy to have found you on YouTube and your videos answer many of my questions about dating & relationships! Although, I haven’t seen one that can help me with my question. That is the reason I am here on your advice column/blog asking for advice. (I hope you will film one regarding this issue for other people as well.)
Here is my question:
I am a 38 year old woman who wants to meet someone special to have a committed partnership with but I have no single friends to go out with.
All of my friends are in relationships and I am tired of being the 3rd wheel! It makes me feel like I am a burden to them and that they feel obligated to let me tag along. (Or they feel sorry for me which is even worse!) I appreciate their support but I think it is wearing thin on them. I try not to complain but sometimes I just can’t help it.
How do I get up the courage to go out alone? How can I meet new people?
“Be aware of the red flags & maintain some boundaries when you are dating!”
Famous last words right??
It is not easy today in the world of relationships, dating and rarely meeting someone in a face to face scenario. Everyone is behind their technology screens and hoping & praying that they find someone they can eventually fall in love with.
Unfortunately men & women are frustrated and some people are becoming desperate enough to let some of their core values fall to the basement of their priorities! This is not a good thing and even if it gets them a few months in a relationship, they are not being true to themselves and short changing their future happiness.
Being too picky is not a good thing but overlooking key principals that are important to you are just as bad if you want a relationship of substance.
Finding love is definitely a lot of work, but well worth the investment when it happens. Don’t settle just because you are lonely, or feeling pressure from your friends, family or your age. It’s your life, nobody elses and you can take all the time in the world to get it right.
There is no time clock unless you allow one to be there.
Many people think that they are taking the easy road by accepting only a small piece of what they want in a partner. Sadly it becomes a burden because everyday you see the sacrifice you made.
The red flags are waving in your face to get your attention and if you choose to ignore them and be OK in a fictitious relationship, you will always been yearning for what could have been.
No one is perfect and no one is telling you to look for perfection so don’t overlook the qualities that are important to you.
We all have different morals & standards but our character should never be compromised to the point in where we lose a big part of ourselves just to be with someone else.
They should be an extension of who we are; not the other way around.
It seems that men and women cannot get past the first 3 dates due to the mixed signals they are receiving.
What is going on & why has this changed so much over the years?
1. Insecurities and past hurts are keeping people from having normalcy in their relationships.
2. Everyone gets their rule book out and if their date doesn’t pass all the tests early on, they are deleted from their phones, apps or social media. NEXT!
3. The effort is not put forth anymore to really get to know someone and accept some of their imperfections.
4. Online dating & available Apps are making people move on quicker & allowing them to be more particular because of the big roster of “next conquests” available on these sites. They get an “I can do better” attitude.
In the beginning, when getting to know a potential partner, respect & communication should be the priority before sex & intimacy rule your loins.
Being sexually compatible is important and many people do not want to waste their time if the chemistry isn’t there between the sheets. Sex is now expected to happen immediately and even on the first date!
Intimacy changes everything for most woman and new expectations come into play when she gives herself to someone. Sex too soon can end up being a big problem so tread lightly with how quickly you both rip your clothes off.
Playing games every other week or playing hard to get, will usually end up being the demise of the partnership when the other half gets tired of this obvious agenda.
One of the most common “Mixed Signals” comes in the form of one person pushing the relationship way too fast in the beginning. Then a month or two later they sabotage it because they freak themselves out due to how fast it is moving!
This is a very common scenario especially if sex was introduced too quickly. Don’t let someone dictate this speedy scenario. Hold back! You don’t know them and they could be in an addictive dating pattern with no intention of being in a committed relationship.
There is an old expression that when someone comes in too fast to the relationship, they usually go out, just as fast!
By being aware of the type of person you are attracting; is the key to finding a long lasting love. Constantly choosing people who are unavailable or who are commitment phobic, could be because you are not ready yourself.
Another mistake some people make is by needing their friend’s of family’s approval. It is always best to make your own assumptions by listening to your intuition not someone else. Some of your friends could be jealous of your new love and say things to sabotage it.
Dating later in life can also be difficult as you may be less tolerant.
You could be set in your ways and become too picky or judgemental. If your space feels threatened it may make you pull back. This also sends out mixed signals!
The older we get the more heartbreak scars we have in our tainted memories, so be careful of meeting someone fresh out of a broken relationship. This is never a good idea.
There is a reason why you hurt after a break-up & you are supposed to take time to heal and reflect on what transpired. How can you possibly be whole? You are just taking your emotional baggage into the next relationship even if you don’t think you are.
Galloping on the next horse is not always a good ride; it’s just a different one.
Ask your date what they are looking for. Don’t be afraid to find out early; it may be the opposite of where you see yourself and you can discuss that with them. Diplomacy should always be used and a leave the long checklist at home.
Body language gives away many answers if you are paying attention; which is what dating is all about.
1. Listen clearly to what they say. If they say they don’t want to be in a committed relationship and that is important to you, move on. They have told you honestly; don’t think you will be the one to change their mind!
2. If they are playing a game or playing hard to get, you really don’t want to waste time trying to figure that out. Relationships don’t have to be that difficult. People make it harder because they try to change each other rather than “listen” to who their date really is.
3. Don’t get caught up in a “cat and mouse” game. Learn early on whether it is worth pursuing. If they are only texting twice a week or keeping you at arms reach, they are not interested.
4. Learn to really listen to what they are saying and not only what you want to hear.
5. People give themselves away early on so it is wise to read between the lines, listen to your gut and not ignore the red flags!
6. Don’t let their hotness overrule your values & morals by allowing things that you would normally move on from. Looks really aren’t everything long term; there is so much more to a person than that.
7. Do not allow yourself to become their last minute date or late night booty call! Respect yourself first & others will respect you too.
The more you get on the treadmill of dating people who send out mixed signals, the more you will lose your trust in having a partnership.
It always is wise to take some time away from dating if there is a negative pattern developing. Don’t let someone come in and mess with your heart or your head.
Your instincts are your guide; never ignore their value! They will always lead you in the right direction.
Regardless of whether you are in a relationship or just dating at the moment, these tips are something to implement into your sex-life.
Many of us forget about the little things that we loved about each other when we first met & we become complacent within our relationships. This is not something to be taken lightly and nurturing the love between you & your partner should be a top priority on a daily basis.
Taking each other for granted is one of the top reasons for the divorce statistics today.
You chose each other for a reason ~ don’t forget why. Keep things fresh & alive by continually adding new special memories within your relationship. You wouldn’t stop loving & nurturing your children, so put in the same energy with loving your partner.
Women love romance and if a man knows how to be romantic, he will be able to sensuously lure his lady into the bedroom without persistence. Men love regular sex so this is a win/win situation!
50 Sex Tips & Intimate Suggestions to Keep Your Relationship Strong:
1. Both sexes need to keep sex fresh and alive! Don’t be predictable!
2. Men like women who are willing to explore new things between the sheets & who initiate sex as well.
3. Women like massage/candles/soft words and a man who caresses them. (They do not like to be to be groped or men who are constantly aggressive!)
4. Men love lingerie and a woman who enjoys wearing it. (They also like sexual surprises when out for the evening. Many men find it very sexy when he knows what his lady is wearing or “not” wearing under her outfit.
5. Booze-less sex is better than a drunken session. The senses are more alive when sober! (And you actually remember you had sex!)
6. Daytime sex is the best scenario for both genders. Sex after 9pm becomes a quick expected routine & not always as arousing because everyone is tired from their busy day.
7. A little naughty talk in the bedroom is alluring for both sexes!
8. Send phone sex messages during the work day. (If you call them at the office ensure the speaker phone is off!)
9. Always listen to what your partner says they like during sex.
10. Don’t ignore men’s nipples.
11. Pick up on their desires in & out of the bedroom & use it to your advantage.
12. The smallest romantic gestures will increase your odds of better sex or at least getting it once in a while. Head nods towards the bedroom are not considered foreplay.
13. Try new positions. Don’t become a “vanilla sex” creature of habit in the bedroom.
14. Wear cologne or body cream lightly & do not forget the deodorant! You may not think you need it but trust me most people do!
15. Learn how to read each other’s emotions & feelings so you know when they are in the mood for love or at least how you can help get them in the mood.
16. Be aware of their body language. Know when something is not right
17. Light Candles. Hold hands when you are sitting beside from them on the coach and talk with them about things they are interested in. Show them you really care about their life.
18. Ladies; after your man gets home from work, bring him a drink or the remote control for half an hour. He needs time to unwind quietly for a bit and is ready not a deep conversation. Or sit together and chat lightly about other things that aren’t stressful.
19. Men: after your orgasm sex is NOT over!
20. Scream out during sex once in awhile let the neighbors know you are not that boring couple after all.
21. Sex is not just penetration!
22. Don’t ask someone if they would like to have sex! Be creative and lure them into the bedroom.
23. Shave! That goes for both sexes; do a little landscaping.
24. Sexting is great foreplay!
25. Complement your partner & make them feel good about themselves which gives them confidence that you find them attractive. Body image is very important, especially for women.
26. Don’t wear flannel pajamas, curlers or eye shades to bed or around the house for the matter.
27. Shave her legs or paint her toenails once in awhile ~ wax his unibrow or give him a foot massage.
28. Wash his/her hair or other pampering things Mom used to do.
29. Dress sexy for them, even at home.
30. Dental hygiene; floss, whiten and keep your breath fresh! Yellow teeth are a huge turn off and get worse with age, be preventative before it happens.
31. Get rid of granny panties & tighty whities!
32. Tell each other what you like & want in bed. Guide each other with your hands. Don’t just lie there like a starfish.
33. Men love women who actually enjoy giving oral sex and don’t just do it on their Birthday because it is expected. The same goes with oral sex for women. It makes us more comfortable & relaxed when our man enjoys it. (Don’t forget to eat a little pineapple!)
34. Think ahead romantically for special occasions.
35. Sexual confidence is a turn on for both sexes!
36. Take your time during sex; don’t be in a rush for the finish line or happy ending!
37. Find their erogenous zones and work them, especially if you want them to get in the mood before your bedroom liaison.
38. Don’t assume that one orgasm is all they are good for. (That goes for men too, ladies.)
39. Have sex outside the bedroom.
40. Make-out on the couch, elevator or in the car like a teenager if you have been together for a while.
41. Tell them often that you love them & want them. Don’t assume they know.
42. Be respectful of each other’s time. Late for a date probably means you won’t get laid that night!
43. Valentine’s Day is a reminder of “romance for dummies” so make other days special for no reason other than you care about them.
44. Don’t be afraid to be a mush-ball occasionally. Let down your conservative guard and really show your soft emotional side. It makes the other person feel special when you show a little vulnerability.
45. Have a naughty “pet name” for them in the privacy of your bedroom.
46. Read or watch something sexy together to spice things up if you feel like your sex life is becoming repetitive.
47. Take turns planning weekly date nights. Be creative! It also keeps you focused on your partner during the time you are prepping for the big night.
48. Never be too busy for your partner! Take their calls, text them throughout the day, make their favorite meal, bring home little gifts once in awhile and always remember dates on the calendar that are important to them.
49. Kiss them deeply every day, hug them constantly and always get up to greet each other when they come home. Constantly connecting with your partner through “touch” will always keep you close as a couple.
50. Take sexy vacations or mini holidays to refresh your sexual desires for one another. Getting away from the daily routine at home puts you into a different space where you can relax. Make sure there is a double bathtub or hot tub in the hotel where you can share a glass of wine & candlelight together.
Love is like a full time job and the relationships that last for many years are the ones that were nurtured and prioritized above all other life expectations.
The grass is seldom greener on the other side so don’t walk away from a salvageable situation because you didn’t make every effort possible to be a loving partner. Never forget how to love them or why you fell for them in the beginning. Cherish every moment together and never become complacent.
It really only takes a few minutes a day to remind your partner why you love them…<3
Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord (AKA Dear Sybersue) answers Kristine’s question:
Why do men think it is their right to have sex with a woman on the first date? They actually expect me to have sex with them without so much as a discussion on the subject!
I am not a provocative woman and I am not giving my body to just anyone. Do guys not understand that many women get very attached when they are sexual with someone? Plus, they don’t know me or where I have been and I certainly don’t know where they have been!
What the Hell is going on out there? Don’t guys want any substance in the woman they are dating or is it only about the sexual conquest? Call me crazy Sybersue, but I kind of like getting to know my date for at least a few hours (sarcasm) before jumping in the sack with him. My girlfriends feel the same way and we are getting tired of it all. Guys wonder why women seem rude and standoffish; well maybe this is one of the reasons why.
Goldylocks Productions Presents The Love Channel Show with Pamela Cummins, Today, Wednesday, 14 October 2015 at 3 pm ET.
The Love Channel Show is about relationships. Romantic, friends, family, business, animals, in other words – any kind of relationship! Since LOVE is everything, we also talk about spirituality, self-growth, healing, psychic and intuition topics. Listen and take a journey deeper into love!
Susan is a Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Talk Show Host, Interviewer, Published Author, Certified Life Coach, Advice Columnist & Blogger. She is the author of Dear Sybersue, a dating & relationship book for men and women of all ages, an Expert Writer for UK website TheSWEXPERTS and writes regularly for her Dear Sybersue Blog & Advice Column. Susan has over 300 uploaded videos with 1.4 million views on her YouTubeTalk Show Channel.
She has a great sense of humor which she contributes to her weekly shows. Susan`s…