Today’s topic is: A Beginners Guide to Dating Again After a Breakup.
When you have been in a relationship for many years and then all of a sudden you are single again, the dating world can be a very scary and intimidating place! So many things have changed in the last 10 years, so how do you know where to even start?
1. The first thing to figure out before you venture back out dating again, is to make sure you are really ready to do so.
You don’t want to bring someone into your life if you still have emotional baggage pertaining to your Ex. The rule of thumb is, If you constantly think about them and you are still in love with them, you are not ready to date. It is not fair to bring others into your life if you’re not open and emotionally ready to give them your undivided attention. Many people go out on dates and spend the whole time talking about their Ex.
Dating again too soon, can also set you back and take much longer to get over the breakup. It is always better to take a little time to yourself to get some clarity about what transpired to end your partnership. Having closure is really important to help you to move forward from the devastating end of a love connection. It certainly doesn’t happen overnight, even if you were checked out of your relationship long before you broke up. There are still many things to deal with and to heal from.
2. Revenge sex/dating might seem like a good idea at the time, but it often messes you up big time!
Dating and sleeping with others out of revenge and becoming romantically involved too soon can make you miss your Ex even more. Especially if you are intimate and sexually active with them before your heart has mended. You may even feel guilty that you are being unfaithful, or you may start to compare the new person to your Ex. Let’s face it, for the most part, sex is much better with someone you love. It’s not always just about the happy ending, especially for women who appreciate an emotional, romantic, and physical connection in the bedroom.
3. It is important to own your part in why your past relationship didn’t work out.
It can feel a little better dealing with a breakup when you blame your Ex, but there is usually something that happened on your end as well. It takes two people to make or break a relationship, and it is necessary to communicate openly and be honest about why things ended between you both. The more clarity and closure you have, the easier it is to move on toward meeting a partner better suited for you down the road.
Life lessons work well when you own them and learn quickly from what they are meant to teach you. It also helps you not to repeat unnecessary relationship patterns that continually don’t work out for you. Ultimately, this also helps you to move on to a higher place of self-love. You are not pointing fingers at everyone else, and understand that you played a role in allowing certain scenarios in your life. Taking some responsibility for the breakup also helps your Ex to move on as well.
4. What type of dating platform should you choose when you are ready to go back out there?
Online dating can be very impersonal and scary with Catfishers and game players. But there are also some great partnerships that come from this source. I would advise if you are new to this dating platform to ask for guidance from a friend and or a coach who is trained in understanding how these dating sites work. This will really help lessen the learning curve. There are plenty of videos, blog posts, and dating tools available online to help you as well. It is important to do your homework, so you know what to expect and how to be safe. Safety is always your number 1 priority!
Look into which dating sites are better than others. Do your own personal research. Zoosk, eHarmony, elite singles, and Match.com are a few that seem to have a decent reputation, but you may find another site better suited for you. I have clients and friends who like Bumble and Hinge as well, so take your time and do some experimenting as to which one is a bitter fit.
Just be very aware that if you are using this online dating source, you understand that you’re probably not the only one they are contacting. They could be talking with others or dating a few people at the same time. This can be difficult to get used to after being in a long-term-committed partnership.
Read their profiles carefully and analyze their photos. Are they classy and professional, or is there a fair amount of sexual expression in their pictures? What message are you receiving from them? What is your first impression? Literally, read between the lines in their profile.
Pay attention to mixed signals and any red flags that they are putting out. Always listen to your gut instincts, as they are your best friend and your common sense. Do not ignore any feelings of doubt or safety concerns. These are extremely important warning signs!!
If online dating really isn’t your thing, there is also speed dating if you prefer meeting someone face-to-face.
Unfortunately, when it comes to speed dating, there is not always a great number of options for certain age groups. Some speed dating groups have folded due to the problems that Covid brought on, but they are slowly starting to make a comeback.
I have personally tried this dating format and had quite a fun evening. It is worth the experience, even if it is just to learn how to socialize after a long hiatus from dating. Check out this post for more information on speed dating and some questions you may want to ask during the 3-5 minute individual conversations.
There are also numerous meetup groups available in your city that may be appealing to join.
Socializing is so important when you are starting to heal from a breakup. We often lose some of our friendships along with our Ex, which can leave us feeling lonely at times. It might not necessarily be a singles meetup group that catches your attention, but that is OK too. You will meet new people, and that is very positive after a breakup. (You never know, they may have a friend that might capture your attention at a later date.) Getting outside and away from Netflix RomComs helps you forget about your past relationship. Your home can have way too many memories that keep you stuck.
Another thing that has changed in the dating arena today is personal human interaction. It can be a little disheartening to meet a potential partner the old-school way because everyone is always looking down at their phones and not paying attention to others in their vicinity. Sadly, many men and women are not making eye contact or even saying hello to each other.
That doesn’t mean that you have to follow suit and copy their behavior. Be open and start a friendly conversation with people you come in contact with whenever you are out and about. Regularly check out what events or social gatherings are happening in your city.
Google is a great resource to obtain this information. Follow Facebook or Instagram venues and check in often to see what’s coming up. There may be a trivia pub night or a walking club you could attend. The more you put yourself out socially, the more people you will continue to meet. You may not ever even have to put yourself on a dating platform due to your busy and energetic schedule.
5. Figure out quickly if someone has any intention to meet up with you for a date.
If someone is constantly texting you and making excuses for weeks/months about why they can’t get together, walk away from communicating with them. Even if they are sincere in wanting to meet you later down the road, they are much too busy to date and are obviously not looking for a potential partner. Please don’t put time and energy into someone who is playing games and keeping you hanging.
Do not go to someone’s home or invite them to yours if you don’t know them well. Never feel obligated to do anything sexual until you are sure they are sincere with their intentions, and you have built trust with them. If someone walks away because you’re not ready to be intimate with them, let them go. You shouldn’t ever feel pressured to have sex with anyone. The 3 date sex rule someone made up over the years, doesn’t have to be your rule.
You, and you alone, are in control of your body and who you allow in your life. Be smart, be safe, and have fun along the way. You deserve to have love in your life, and so does your Ex. Sometimes it’s just a matter of coming to terms that you are meant to be with someone much better suited for you. Appreciate what your Ex brought to your life at the time, and be grateful for the partner who you will be meeting in the near future. Having clarity and doing the work is what brings you closer to your person, moving forward.