Why does my partner always argue and try to change my viewpoint?

Why Does My Partner Always Argue and Try to Change My Viewpoint?

Dear Sybersue YouTube

Today’s question comes from Andrew; Why does my partner always argue and try to change my viewpoint about everything?

Dear Sybersue,

My girlfriend and I disagree on many things, especially when it comes to how we communicate in our relationship as a couple. If I don’t agree with everything she suggests, it becomes another long-drawn-out argument.

We love each other, but after being together for 5 years, it’s really starting to take a toll on me! Why is it always her way or the highway? Is there a way we can fix this issue?

Thank you, Andrew

Dear Andrew,

It is really important in any relationship that you validate each other’s feelings, and appreciate their viewpoints as well. We don’t always feel the same way about everything in life, but that is what makes us unique. It would be pretty boring if we all thought exactly alike. Understanding how to compromise and listen to your partner’s concerns is all part of having a healthy foundation in any long-term relationship.

We are all different in the way we think, but it is not OK to expect our partner to agree with everything that makes US happy. This is why It is imperative to be on a similar page in most aspects of your partnership. If you are fairly opposite for the most part, there will always be unresolved challenges. Over time, this can pull a couple in different directions, where the relationship eventually becomes unsalvageable.

There are two people in a partnership, which means there are two people who are entitled to have opinions.

Being open to listening to each other’s points of view can help a couple think outside the box once in a while. This is a good thing! We can all get stuck in our own belief systems and become too ridgid at times in our lives. This seems to be the case with your girlfriend Andrew, she is shutting you out and not allowing your viewpoint to be considered.

Being narrow-minded doesn’t allow growth and can keep many men and women stuck in a rut without even being aware that they are allowing this repetitive behavior to continue.

A few questions I have for you:

  1. Is your partner unhappy in her life?
  2. Did something happen between you both where she may be holding a grudge?
  3. Do you feel that she is regularly trying to pick a fight with you for no reason?
  4. Did something happen in her job recently that is stressing her out?
  5. Is your girlfriend presently dealing with a medical issue?

Take the time to sit down with your partner when you are not arguing and gently bring up your concerns. Don’t point fingers at her out of frustration, take your time. Your goal is to get her to open up without having her become defensive. Don’t engage If she does start to argue.

Diffuse the argument from escalating by calmly telling her: “I love you, but I don’t feel these arguments are productive. They cause us both too much hurt and sadness, which is damaging our partnership. We both need to find a better communication style.” When you use the word “I” instead of “you,” it comes across as less accusatory.

If she continues to argue with you regardless of how diplomatic you are with your approach, leave the house for a short time. Tell her it makes you sad every time you have these fights and there needs to be some compromise and mutual understanding within your partnership.

Delve into discovering what the arguments are actually about.

Is it a repetitious argument? Could you possibly improve on making some changes to whatever it is that she is upset about? If it is the same argument all the time, you may not realize that you are repeating some habits that are actually causing some of the frustrations in your relationship. Be honest and own your part in what might be transpiring to keep the arguments happening. You may not be aware that you tune out of your relationship once in a while.

In my own house, arguments take place when the boundaries we’ve agreed upon are not adhered to. When you don’t feel respected or heard by your partner it will cause a rift each time it happens. We have both been guilty of this over the years.

We all have different tolerance levels, and as the years go by in a relationship, repetitive arguments can become one of those irreconcilable differences that we all hear about. This takes place when we don’t feel heard or appreciated by our partners.

When one person starts to check out of the relationship, it can be difficult to make things right again. This may be happening in your own situation right now, Andrew. You can only rehash the same arguments over and over again so many times before you both start to lose faith in your relationship.

You say that you love your girlfriend, so before you make any major decisions on how to move forward, ensure that you exhaust all the options you have available that can help you repair your relationship. This would be a perfect time to bring in a third party with professional expertise. It is always worth speaking to a couple’s counselor to see if you can rectify this unhealthy behavioral pattern that is taking place between you both.

You certainly shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in your own home, Andrew. If your girlfriend is opposed to going to counseling with you, then I would suggest that you attend a few sessions regardless. At the very least, they could help you find the tools on how you could move forward either with, or without your partner, in the future.

I would also advise writing down your thoughts about how you are feeling about your relationship right now.

Write a detailed note expressing how you are feeling about the dynamics of your partnership right now. Ask your girlfriend to read it when you’re heading out to work, or when you are going to be out of the house for a few hours. Be gentle with how you deliver your thoughts to her.

Quite often when we read something constructive and heartfelt that our partner puts down on paper, it makes much more sense as to how things are affecting our partnership on a daily basis. Be sure to tell her what you would like to see change between the two of you, and offer suggestions as to how you are willing to make that happen as well.

Ask her to write down what she would also like to see change within your relationship. When you’re not arguing with each other, it is so much easier to be objective about what is really going on between you as a couple. You can also re-read each other’s notes a few times to be able to really grasp each other’s points of view.

Once you both understand what the ongoing problem is, you can then decide if this is something salvageable and worth fixing to save your partnership. It is definitely worth putting in every effort possible since you both still love one another. Please watch the video at the top of this post and let me know how things work out, Andrew. Thank you for taking the time to write me here.

Sybersue xo <3

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