relationship coach

How Do I Stop Being Lonely after My Breakup without having to be in a Social Setting?
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How Do I Stop Being Lonely after My Breakup without having to be in a Social Setting?

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Dear Sybersue,

I am a 38 year old attractive woman.  My husband left our 14 year marriage 9 months ago & I have tried so many things to move on but sometimes I just can’t get out of the house due to the deep sadness I feel.

I am overwhelmed with how lonely I am and very aware that I am sabotaging my happiness by being stuck in this place of isolation.  I just don’t want to be a Debbie Downer around people and I can’t fake my moods for long.

I find it easier just to be by myself and hope that this debilitating heart break goes away soon! I am so tired of crying and want to erase the vision of my husband out with all our friends and his new & much younger girlfriend!

Our relationship seemed pretty good for the most part and we had sex occasionally but I did notice we barely talked anymore & did minimal things together as a couple. One night he just looked at me across the dinner table and said “I am not happy here anymore, too much has changed.” That was it!  He packed a suitcase and left that night.

I think he must have been seeing this other woman before he left our marriage as I really don’t think he would have had the courage to leave and to be alone.  He hasn’t been single since he was 17 and is now 42 years old!

What do you suggest I do to get past the loneliness so I can also start to live a joyful life? What am I doing wrong and why are most our friends on his side? That hurts almost as much as the break up itself!!

Thanks for whatever advice you have for me Sybersue!

Lauren H.

Hi Lauren,

Thank you for your email! I had a similar question at my ladies meet up group the other evening. This is a question so many women have due to the abruptness of how their relationship ended. The “blindsiding” way it was handled is the main reason for this.

“How could he just leave with a one line statement like it’s been talked about 100 times? I had no clue!”

Many men & women do not have any idea that their partners are unhappy or planning to leave the marital home.  Sometimes it is a denial thing but more often it is due to the couple’s lack of communication & not paying attention to each other’s needs. They stop listening to each other!

Of course only you know the answer as to what went on behind closed doors and that may be something you need to delve into to gain some closure.

In the meantime you need to change your thoughts! You are consumed with what is going on in your husband’s life and it is taking over every moment of your day. This is unhealthy and keeps you in a long term form of grieving.

How to Stop Being Lonely without having to be in a Social Environment:

  1. Put away any photos or reminders of your EX in the house, on your computer or your phone.
  2. Stop talking to the friends who do not have your back or who just want to call you to gossip about your Ex.
  3. Take him off your Facebook/Social Media so you can’t see how much fun he “seems” to be having without you!
  4. Start your day by watching something funny on YouTube or your favorite social media site. Funny animal videos always help me when I am feeling down. Build up to at least an hour per day. (That’s one hour less that you think about him!)
  5. Find a regular exercise TV show that you can follow in your home. Yoga is great & is also a form of meditation where your mind is focused only on the positive. Make this a daily routine.  It will not only release your sad mindset, it will make you look good. We all know when you look good, you feel good too. ❤
  6. Write out a list of the things that “weren’t right” in your marriage. Now that you have had 9 months to look back & process your 14 years together, there must have been some red flags or things that were missing.  It’s not all about what your husband was feeling! Maybe you weren’t that happy either.
  7. Work on a project. Maybe it is a hobby that you let go of years ago or try something completely new! Learn how to write a blog, experiment with photography, cooking new recipes & sharing them on Instagram. Everything is at your fingertips on Google!
  8. Change up your home with new paint or a few pieces of furniture! Get rid of that damn bed you slept in together or at least throw out the sheets and get some new ones.
  9. Try out some new makeup & hair ideas by watching video tutorials so that when you are ready to venture back out socializing you will have a new vamped up look!
  10. Read some motivating blogs that help you deal with breakups and divorce.
  11. Take a peek at some online dating sites or local meet up groups you can join at a later date.

It takes two people to be in a relationship and usually two people to end it as well. Own your part in why things changed so much between you & your husband. Why did you stop talking & why did you feel it was OK not to stay on a communicative level.

Relationships take work & need to be nurtured. Sometimes we take them for granted & forget that.

It’s OK to take time for yourself before you feel like putting yourself out there when you are dealing with a divorce; in fact it is healthy because you are taking time to heal. You are allowed to feel your emotions and the pain of your marriage ending. It was real to you and isn’t something you take lightly.

It is always difficult when you feel like you were replaced so quickly by another woman but your husband will have his time when he reflects on your 14 years together. No one gets through a divorce without having to deal with some form of pain or regret.

Unfortunately friendships can change with a breakup and I understand your sadness when it comes to why you don’t want to be social right now. Who do you trust, who is really there for you and were these people ever your real friends?

The people who are there for you will not play both sides of the fence. They will support you and NOT pretend everything is OK. They will be genuinely concerned about you & want to help you through this heart break. They will not be out partying right away with the new girl like nothing has happened.

Things will change for you in the next few months if you follow some of those 11 tips above. The more you do for yourself, the less rejection you will feel. You’re amazing self is still in there somewhere and I will bet there is an even better version of you to come!

Wishing you love & happiness on your new path.

Sybersue @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

 

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Are You Taking Your Partner for Granted in Your Relationship?

Why do many of us become lazy or complacent in our relationships? Shouldn’t nurturing our partnership be the most important priority in our lives?

As a relationship and dating coach I find this to be one of the biggest reasons why many couples break up. “They think that this is the natural progression of every relationship;  the love and passion fizzles out with time. That’s just the way it is, nothing you can do about it.”

Yes, this can be a very true statement for those people who give up on making their partner the top priority in their lives but not at all true for those couples who understand how important it is to always keep your family in the number 1 slot!

Taking anything for granted in life becomes an issue over time!

Relationships are a lot of work and I often compare them to having a full time job. That’s OK though because anything worth having doesn’t come easy. People change, we all change and so do circumstances in our lives. We can’t expect our partnerships to be smooth sailing at every turn when we are dealing with all of life’s twists & turns.

There is always something we have to deal with as adults which includes our jobs, our financial situations, our health, becoming parents or maybe having to relocate to another city for a new career, etc.

The grass is seldom greener on the other side so it is a smart choice to water the grass at home first. It will be a repeat scenario within any relationship, so learning how to nurture the love between the two of you on a continual basis will be the key to a long & happy home-life.

You fell in love for a reason; never become complacent and forget why. ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

 

 

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Relationship & Dating Advice: Are you too Judgmental or too Picky?

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How would you describe yourself in 3 sentences?

Do you think people know the “real you?”

With less “face to face” contact due to online dating & social media outlets, people are spending more time behind a computer and becoming even more judgmental than ever before. All it takes is the click of a mouse or a swipe to the right and we are on to the next more attractive profile photo without giving any thought to getting to know someone who isn’t our idea of a perfect 10!

Vanity is taking on a whole new look these days because there is so much more importance placed on physical appearance than ever before! Many people are spending too much time posting selfies or half naked photos all over Facebook, Snapchat & Instagram.  Why are they trying to impress complete strangers out in Cyberland?

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Insecurities lie deep within the majority of the population because many people are not comfortable in their own skin; so that when meeting someone for the first time many men & women are very judgemental and label each other very quickly.

When we are not happy with ourselves, we tend to find fault in others.

It is our own responsibility of how we allow ourselves to be portrayed. Clothes, attitude, hairstyles, and body art, all make an initial statement regardless of whether we think it should. It is a form of expression and usually a good part of who we are at the time.

Dying your hair fuchsia, having 20 facial piercings, overdone plastic surgery and full body tattoos will get definitely get you attention.  It is human nature and society that makes the general public react with a quick summation to something that is “out of the norm.”

Don’t be pissed off or surprised when people stare because that is who you want to be at that particular time and you should be proud of it or change it. Honestly ask yourself if this is truly the first impression you want to give off to people; or are you rebelling due to some internal anger or hurt?

After all, body language is an open window to your true character.

First impressions are the building blocks to a second date, which is why it is strongly advised to be “attitude ready” when you are looking for that special person to share your life with. People can change and that includes you. If you feel your past is somewhat questionable with some the choices you have made, the first step is to own them, acknowledge them & forgive yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships or dating scenarios but they do not always admit or accept their part in the repetitive turmoil that surrounds them. Blaming your life choices on others will only keep you in denial and block your future happiness.

Asking for help is a great way to move towards a positive direction. Having someone to talk to like a counselor/coach, trusted friend or family member can help you with your subconscious actions, that may be damaging your chance at finding a loving person to share your life with.

Once you start seeing the good in people and believe you can have a healthy relationship, you will start to attract the right people towards you. Every time you meet someone new, say 3 things nice about them which will override any negative comments that you initially might want to think that could sabotage it. (You can either say it out loud to them or just say it to yourself until you feel comfortable.) Always focus on the bright & shiny; not the dark & dismal.

Being judgmental doesn’t work for anyone and keeps people in a relationship pattern of short lived partnerships. Don’t get stuck thinking it will never change. We all have a past but it is how we deal with our future that defines our happiness.

We are ALL beautiful and deserve love in our lives.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/dearsybersue