Why does the girl I am dating not want a relationship but wants to see me every day?
Welcome to Dear Sybersue! Today I answer Barry’s question.
Dear Sybersue,
Why is my new girlfriend sending me mixed signals? She said she definitely doesn’t want a relationship commitment but she is very assertive about wanting to see me every day!
Is she just playing some sort of game with me? Is there a chance that we may end up in a committed partnership down the road or am I just wasting my time with this girl? How should I handle this scenario?
Thank you, Barry
Hi Barry,
The rule of thumb for anyone in a similar scenario is simple. Walk away if you are serious about having a committed relationship. Don’t “go in” thinking you will change their mindset. You will probably end up with a bruised ego or, even worse, a broken heart.
Of course, there is always a chance that she may eventually alter her thinking. She might eventually want a commitment but it’s not the best idea to gamble on this outcome. It’s very important to really hear what she is saying. Making this strong a statement early in the dating process means something significant.
You don’t want to spend 3 years with someone only to find out that what they told you in the very beginning was true! Something may have happened in her past to make her feel this strongly. However, it’s not your job to fix her. You shouldn’t try to talk her into feeling something else.
There is no reason NOT to believe her. It may feel like a rejection, but it’s not about you at all. It is something that she is dealing with. Don’t take it personally, thank her for her honesty and move on. Some people ignore the early red flags. They then get angry when things don’t go the way they want them to.
Here are a few scenarios on why she may not want a commitment
- Your girl could be playing a type of game. She might think by saying she doesn’t want a commitment, she will keep you interested. This way, she does not come across as clingy or desperate.
- She may have some drama or heartache that she is dealing with from a past breakup.
- She could have just come out of a long relationship and wants to keep her options open.
- It could also be something deep-rooted that has tarnished her trust in relationships. She feels safer telling you she is not into a permanent situation. “Hey I told him the truth, and it’s his choice whether he still wants to see me or not.”
Regardless of whatever her reasons are, she is sending a very mixed message to you. Her actions contradict what she is telling you. It doesn’t have to be confusing if you take it for what it’s worth; she doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship.
It really is that simple!
Do not venture into this type of arrangement if being in a solid partnership is very important to you. If you are OK with it for now, see her casually. Enjoy spending time with her but be aware of limitations and conditions. Do it on your terms.
Make sure you have some healthy boundaries
Don’t allow yourself to become a late-night booty call. Avoid being the last-minute date when she decides she has to see you. You are also free to date others, as you are under no obligation to be committed to just seeing her.
When someone tells you they do not want a relationship, they think they are protecting themselves from getting hurt. Which hardly makes sense when she is seeing you all the time. Regardless of her reasons for sending these very mixed signals, it’s not wise to enter a lopsided situation. This is especially true if you want different things. You both have to be on the same page for a relationship to work. Otherwise, it’s not going to end well.
I gather from your message that you are not interested in just being her part-time unofficial boyfriend. Be communicative and honest with what you want right now, and don’t settle for anything less. If she is not committed to this partnership 100% I would advise you to let her go. You deserve to be happy and be free to meet someone who is into being committed to you.
Thanks for writing Barry! Please watch the video above for more information on your question.
Sybersue xo <3
Personal Dating or Relationship Questions for Sybersue? Contact me via dearsybersue@gmail.com and text me to set up a video or audio appt. within 24 hours.
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