Advice: Don’t Ignore The Red Flags on the First Few Dates

“Be aware of the red flags & maintain some boundaries when you are dating!”

Famous last words right??

It is not easy today in the world of relationships, dating and rarely meeting someone in a face to face scenario. Everyone is behind their technology screens and hoping & praying that they find someone they can eventually fall in love with.

Unfortunately men & women are frustrated and some people are becoming desperate enough to let some of their core values fall to the basement of their priorities! This is not a good thing and even if it gets them a few months in a relationship, they are not being true to themselves and short changing their future happiness.

Being too picky is not a good thing but overlooking key principals that are important to you are just as bad if you want a relationship of substance.

Finding love is definitely a lot of work, but well worth the investment when it happens. Don’t settle just because you are lonely, or feeling pressure from your friends, family or your age. It’s your life, nobody elses and you can take all the time in the world to get it right.

There is no time clock unless you allow one to be there.

Many people think that they are taking the easy road by accepting only a small piece of what they want in a partner. Sadly it becomes a burden because everyday you see the sacrifice you made.

The red flags are waving in your face to get your attention and if you choose to ignore them and be OK in a fictitious relationship, you will always been yearning for what could have been.

No one is perfect and no one is telling you to look for perfection so don’t overlook the qualities that are important to you.

We all have different morals & standards but our character should never be compromised to the point in where we lose a big part of ourselves just to be with someone else.

They should be an extension of who we are; not the other way around.

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Relationship Talk Show   Dear Sybersue Facebook

 

How To Survive Another Bad Date & Eventually Find Love!

SWExperts  Couple fighting on a date

You are ready to go on another date but the last time you went on one it was a disaster. As a matter of fact the last 5 dates have been uneventful and downright aggravating! Bad Dates can include a variety of circumstances dealing with lack of chemistry, blatant rudeness, boredom, narcissistic behavior or something embarrassing that may have happened.

We ALL have our stories:

One guy I had dated a few times went up to use my bathroom, came down 10 minutes later and said he had to leave! WTF? I couldn’t find anything incriminating in my medicine cabinet. Talk about a Seinfeld episode! I went cycling on another first date and spun out in the gravel, fell off my bike & ended up at the hospital! Another memorable time, my date got pissed off at something he didn’t agree with, quickly paid the restaurant bill and didn’t even stop the car to let me out at my front door. I now refer to that as my “tuck & roll” bad date!

Your intuition should always be your number one guide when putting yourself out there into the dating market. If it doesn’t feel right and your gut starts churning, don’t go there! Even a text can show red flags!

 10 Things to be Aware of on a First Date:

  1. Are they attentive to you & are you attracted to them?
  2. Did they make an effort with their appearance and compliment yours?
  3. Is the conversation shared equally or does it feel like an interview?  Is it all about them?
  4. Are they respectful and polite throughout the date? What did their body language say?
  5. Do they make you feel comfortable? Are they playful or too serious?
  6. Did they follow through on the original date plans and were they on time? Did they cancel or reschedule the date?
  7. Do they bring up sex right away in early conversations?
  8. Did they take you to your car or your front door after the date ends?
  9. How much do you have in common? Does the conversation flow freely or is awkward or forced?  (Opposites may attract but they seldom stay together.)
  10. Are they authentic and interesting? Are you interested in them & really want to see them again? Make sure there is a fit and don’t ignore anything that seems insincere.

What do you do if you are uncomfortable and want to leave when you’re out on a date?

Many people are too nice or shy to say anything controversial when things aren’t going well. It is always a good idea to tell them you have a 2 hour time limit on the first date so that they are aware that you have to be somewhere else. Do not go to their house or let them pick you up until you have established a trust & rapport with them. Always be in control of your entrance and departure in the early stages of meeting someone for safety purposes.

No matter how many texts or phone calls you may have had with them, you still don’t know them yet. (There are some pretty good manipulative writers out there.) Don’t get sucked into their smooth talking ways until you have met them face to face.  Eye contact will tell you a lot about a person!

Should you be Honest if your Date is Rude?

Most people do not know how to express themselves when dealing with something like this. If the date is awful they just walk away and let it go as an experience they don’t want to repeat! You could make a difference in their life by tactfully telling them what bothered you and maybe they will learn from it. Some people really don’t know how they come across to others. You may have been put in their path to teach them something about themselves.

Life lessons are not just about what we need to learn about ourselves but also what we can do for someone else.  

I was introduced to a guy through a friend who spent our entire first date on the phone. After an hour went by I got up from my seat, went over to the server, paid my share of the bill and left without a word. I am not sure he even noticed. He had no respect for me or my time and didn’t even hold up a finger to silently apologize. It was obviously something he did regularly and thought nothing of it. I was offended but got over it quickly. Don’t waste too much time analyzing bad behavior or take it too personally. It’s their stuff to deal with and some people are just rude; plain and simple.

One of the ways to prevent some disaster dates is by pre-screening and really paying attention to the initial way they interact with you!

  • Don’t take their online dating profile as the gospel truth.  People lie all the time! Also be aware of your friend or family’s advice about that perfect person they may have for you. Talk to them on the phone first before meeting them and ask the questions that are important to you. Requesting a photo is not unreasonable or shallow. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone has different tastes.
  • Use the technology available at your fingertips; Google them!! Most people are on some sort of social media tool like Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. If it’s out there in cyberspace it’s free for the public to see. Protecting yourself is always your number 1 priority!
  • Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex and the City,” says that first dates are like job interviews with cocktails. How true is that statement?  When applying for a job you are paying attention to what they are saying and what they are offering you. Unfortunately many men & women make the mistake of not really hearing what is being said on the first few dates and could save themselves a lot of time and energy seeing any red flags earlier, rather than later.
  • Cocktails may make you loosen up on a date but alcohol changes up what we perceive about a person and how we may be perceived by them. Let’s face it; we’re just a little bolder with liquid courage in our bloodstream. I know it’s easier to face someone new after a few beers or a glass of wine but if you want to get the real version of who they are, coffee is a much better choice on that first date.

Too many embarrassing things happen when alcohol enters the picture too early. (Just watch a few episodes of “The Bachelor or Bachelorette” reality show to see what I mean!)

  • Narcissism can be quite common and is super annoying! This is when someone talks about themselves for the entire first date. They brag about their accomplishments, who they know, how much money they have, what type of car they drive and often discuss sex openly and how many people they have slept with! They may as well just have a conversation with themselves in the mirror. Nervousness is one thing but arrogance is another. Caring about another person is the first rule of dating. If it is all about them in the beginning, it probably always will be.

When Planning a First Date:

  • Always have an alternative option in case your original plan gets altered due to the weather or something that may be uncomfortable for your date.
  • Be organized, follow through and always respect their time.  Do not bail last minute on a date because something better may have come up!
  • We all have first date insecurities so the more information they have regarding the date particulars will put them at ease because there will be no surprises. They will know what to wear (casual or dressy, heels or runners) if they should eat beforehand and can look up the directions to the meeting location. Ask them if they have any questions or if they are comfortable with the date venue you chose.
  • Confirm the date! This is appreciated and proper etiquette, especially if it was discussed a week or two before.  It puts them at ease knowing you haven’t forgotten about it and that you are thinking about them & looking forward to seeing them.

Dating can be a great experience if you are smart and observe each scenario with clarity. You will learn how to weed out the wrong types and eventually stop attracting them towards you. Keep an open mind but don’t spend time with people you have no connection with. You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into being with someone!

It should be a natural fit that flows without too many questions or a thousand compromises. Yes, dating is frustrating and hard on your self-esteem, but anything worth having is not always an easy accomplishment. Don’t give up on love; treat it with the same patience & determination as you would with any other goal in your life; it’s always worth the wait and perseverance in the end.

Susan McCord  http://www.theswexperts.com/how-to-survive-another-bad-date/

Susan McCord is a Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Blogger/Talk Show Host, Published Author, Advice Columnist, Interviewer & Certified Life Coach. Susan is an Advice Columnist @ DearSybersue which is also the title of her book available at Amazon, Itunes, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble and many other book platforms.
Susan was recently named a VIP member of Worldwide Branding. This special distinction honors individuals who have shown exceptional commitment to achieving personal and professional success. Susan has devoted her career to helping others find happiness. Over the past decade she has established a stellar reputation as a sought-after dating & relationship expert, advice columnist, blogger & interviewer. She is best known for hosting a lifestyle talk show for an International audience on YouTube and has garnered more than 1.4 million views which consists of dating/relationship/lifestyle advice, interviews & comical skits.
She makes you think!

Why Do All My Girlfriends Get Dates While I Am The Constant Wallflower?

Pixabay Rose in hands-1161112_960_720

Dear Sybersue,

I am an attractive 29 year old woman who is getting really depressed with not having a  boyfriend despite the fact that I am active athletically and very social. My close girlfriends seem to have no problem meeting men and are always getting asked out on dates. It’s a little frustrating for me that they don’t talk about it or make men a huge priority in their lives; it just happens for them! I think about it on a daily basis and it can be all consuming sometimes!

Why can’t I just relax about it and let things happen naturally like they do?

My friends tell me I worry too much and make men “my everything!” I must admit I am becoming a bit obsessed with this whole being single thing. I am actually jealous of my friend’s ability to easily meet men and it is starting to change my rapport with them. When I am with them it is a continual reminder of my failures in the love department. It is causing me to retreat more and more to the comfort and safety of my condo so that I don’t have it “in my face” that I am constantly one of the only date-less girls in our group.

I have a great job and make decent money so that isn’t a problem. What am I doing wrong and why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to connect with anyone? Please be honest and don’t sugarcoat it as I need to figure this out soon!

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Desperate & Waiting

Dear DW,

There are many things you can do here to change up what isn’t working in your love-life. Let’s discuss what is not working first and then we can talk about how to alter this behavior to help better your dating situation.

  1. The first thing is that you actually call yourself desperate & waiting which is probably a pretty honest evaluation of how you feel about yourself and how you come across to the men you meet out in a social environment. You asked me to be honest so bear with me here while I give you the straight goods on your situation.
  2. You don’t make yourself the priority in your life; needing a man is your number 1 reason for what you think it means to be happy.
  3. You admit you are obsessed because you are not meeting anyone to date and this comes across as “needy” to men you come in contact with. Your friends have also warned you about this so it is visible to them as well. Guys can smell desperation and will run in the opposite direction!
  4. Body language is huge with first impressions and it can be a very easy read if you are not secure and confident with who you are.
  5. You are putting pressure on yourself because you will be turning 30 soon which is a hard time for many women who are single. That damn biological clock ticks pretty loudly causing even more pressure for you to meet someone.

The best way for you to alter this pattern, is to stop coming across like a sad puppy that no one loves. You are an attractive woman that has so much going for her and the only one stopping love from entering your life is “you.”

  • Don’t hibernate in your condo feeling lonely; put yourself in the heat of the fire and deal head on with what isn’t working for you.
  • Rather than be jealous of your girlfriends, educate yourself with watching how they interact with men. They are one of your best teaching tools! It works for them!
  • Men like fun women who don’t take themselves or life too seriously. Don’t look at every man as potential marriage material. Talk to them as a person first and be that confident, playful girl that men admire and want to be around.
  • Don’t be a doormat. Always put your self-respect first! Men like women who like themselves.
  • Being too available comes across as desperate which is a turn off to guys. Make yourself the priority and have other passions in your life rather than just your job. A busy woman has less time to dwell on obsessive or dramatic behavior.
  • A full life is a happy life which will attract even more happiness towards you.
  • Be interested and stay interesting as this will always give you something to talk about that will make others take notice and want to get to know you.
  • No more playing the victim. Stop dwelling on what isn’t working and start working on what will.

The good news is that you have attracted wonderful friends into your life who love you for many reasons, so believe in yourself and dust off those negative cobwebs so that you can also attract a wonderful man towards you down the road. It’s never too late to take a good look at yourself in the mirror but you have to like what you see in that mirror if you want to make these lasting behavioral changes.

It’s not ALL about having a guy in your life, so stop making him the biggest priority to make you feel whole. A man is attracted to a woman who has her life together and who has cleaned out the emotional baggage from her closet to allow him to come in and share her life. He is not her entire life and nor is she his entire life.

Wishing you love always~ please let me know how things go. ❤

Sybersue    

 

#TBT Video: What Women Want From a Man

#TBT #Throwbackthursday

My co-host Steve and I did this video over 4 years ago but since it is “throw back Thursday” I wanted to share this with you. Do I still feel the same way today and would I answer with the same comments?

I think men and women are pretty complicated in 2016 and how  we portray ourselves out in the dating world; but when it comes right down to it we all want the same thing – to be loved and respected. It sounds so simple doesn’t it?  Unfortunately it is not an easy accomplishment for many people.

We’ve changed with how we interact and seem to be a lot more judgey than we were in the past.  Both men and women will have to change things up in a big way if they want to have a reciprocated loving partnership down the road. Courtship now consists of one date and if we don’t like what we see right away, we are off to a new conquest swipe on Tinder or some other dating site. Self esteem issues are affecting more people than ever due to daily online or first date rejections.

There is something to say for the old school way of dating! Boy meets girl in person, flirts a little, asks her out, kisses her at the front door after their first date, he calls her the next day and sets up the second date!

Now there are so many rules and expectations that people don’t know what to do anymore! Due to unrealistic checklists for both men and women, many potential relationships are sabotaged before they are even given a chance! As I have written in other posts, both sexes are starting to get defensive, jaded and angry because they can’t find the love they are looking for. Why is that? Because they are too picky and judgemental!

We all have flaws and we all have great attributes. Your checklist needs to be revised & should only consist of a few important things:

  1. Integrity
  2. Respectful
  3. Kind
  4. Loving & affectionate
  5. Communicative
  6. Chemistry (emotional and sexual)

There will always be a few non-negotiable things that are really important to you but they should not consist of shallow demands. Let’s all lighten up a little and learn to “like”each other again. We are all great & we all have something to offer. Don’t look for ways to extinguish your happiness; look for positive ways to ignite it! ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show  Please Subscribe to my Channel! xo ❤