Dear Sybersue,
I am an attractive 29 year old woman who is getting really depressed with not having a boyfriend despite the fact that I am active athletically and very social. My close girlfriends seem to have no problem meeting men and are always getting asked out on dates. It’s a little frustrating for me that they don’t talk about it or make men a huge priority in their lives; it just happens for them! I think about it on a daily basis and it can be all consuming sometimes!
Why can’t I just relax about it and let things happen naturally like they do?
My friends tell me I worry too much and make men “my everything!” I must admit I am becoming a bit obsessed with this whole being single thing. I am actually jealous of my friend’s ability to easily meet men and it is starting to change my rapport with them. When I am with them it is a continual reminder of my failures in the love department. It is causing me to retreat more and more to the comfort and safety of my condo so that I don’t have it “in my face” that I am constantly one of the only date-less girls in our group.
I have a great job and make decent money so that isn’t a problem. What am I doing wrong and why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to connect with anyone? Please be honest and don’t sugarcoat it as I need to figure this out soon!
I can’t wait to hear from you!
Desperate & Waiting
Dear DW,
There are many things you can do here to change up what isn’t working in your love-life. Let’s discuss what is not working first and then we can talk about how to alter this behavior to help better your dating situation.
- The first thing is that you actually call yourself desperate & waiting which is probably a pretty honest evaluation of how you feel about yourself and how you come across to the men you meet out in a social environment. You asked me to be honest so bear with me here while I give you the straight goods on your situation.
- You don’t make yourself the priority in your life; needing a man is your number 1 reason for what you think it means to be happy.
- You admit you are obsessed because you are not meeting anyone to date and this comes across as “needy” to men you come in contact with. Your friends have also warned you about this so it is visible to them as well. Guys can smell desperation and will run in the opposite direction!
- Body language is huge with first impressions and it can be a very easy read if you are not secure and confident with who you are.
- You are putting pressure on yourself because you will be turning 30 soon which is a hard time for many women who are single. That damn biological clock ticks pretty loudly causing even more pressure for you to meet someone.
The best way for you to alter this pattern, is to stop coming across like a sad puppy that no one loves. You are an attractive woman that has so much going for her and the only one stopping love from entering your life is “you.”
- Don’t hibernate in your condo feeling lonely; put yourself in the heat of the fire and deal head on with what isn’t working for you.
- Rather than be jealous of your girlfriends, educate yourself with watching how they interact with men. They are one of your best teaching tools! It works for them!
- Men like fun women who don’t take themselves or life too seriously. Don’t look at every man as potential marriage material. Talk to them as a person first and be that confident, playful girl that men admire and want to be around.
- Don’t be a doormat. Always put your self-respect first! Men like women who like themselves.
- Being too available comes across as desperate which is a turn off to guys. Make yourself the priority and have other passions in your life rather than just your job. A busy woman has less time to dwell on obsessive or dramatic behavior.
- A full life is a happy life which will attract even more happiness towards you.
- Be interested and stay interesting as this will always give you something to talk about that will make others take notice and want to get to know you.
- No more playing the victim. Stop dwelling on what isn’t working and start working on what will.
The good news is that you have attracted wonderful friends into your life who love you for many reasons, so believe in yourself and dust off those negative cobwebs so that you can also attract a wonderful man towards you down the road. It’s never too late to take a good look at yourself in the mirror but you have to like what you see in that mirror if you want to make these lasting behavioral changes.
It’s not ALL about having a guy in your life, so stop making him the biggest priority to make you feel whole. A man is attracted to a woman who has her life together and who has cleaned out the emotional baggage from her closet to allow him to come in and share her life. He is not her entire life and nor is she his entire life.
Wishing you love always~ please let me know how things go. <3
Sybersue
