How Do I Change up My Relationship Drama Patterns?

How Do I Change up My Relationship Drama Patterns?

In today’s video Dear Sybersue discusses relationship patterns that aren’t working for many people.

  • Is there too much drama in all of your partnerships?
  • Are you attracting the same types over and over again and not understanding that there is a problem and that you just go onto the next person without too much thought?
  • Are you continually wondering why you are single once again?
  • Have your past relationships been one sided in many aspects of the partnership?
  • Is it a constant struggle to communicate or to be understood in most of your relationships?

If your partnerships are always ending in the same manner, you have a repetitive problem that isn’t being addressed.  Could it be that maybe you are a little stubborn and in denial about the part you play in your relationships?

The old cliche that it takes two people to be in a great relationship still holds true today, so once you take a good hard look at yourself and analyse your actions, you will start to see a destructive pattern.

We spend so much time going after what is on the “top” of our high maintenance checklist that we overlook the fundamentals of what makes the foundation of a strong and loving relationship! We get lost in the trivial and superficial traits that we think are important!

The good news is; it can be fixed! 

It’s time to investigate why you are choosing the wrong people. You need to revise your priorities and step away from that quick sand that you keep having to dig yourself out of.  Relationships shouldn’t have to be a constant struggle, nor should you have to give up “who you are” to be in one.

When a relationship is right, it flows and you work side by side to keep the communication lines open. It is not a drama filled scenario, it is a loving and safe place to be. ❤

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Am I Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places?

Am I Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places?

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I am saddened by how many men and women complain about the difficulties they have enjoying a successful dating life.  Both sexes must learn how to open up and talk to each other without initial harsh judgment or sabotage due to their own subconscious insecurities.

Men & women need to make an effort to understand their gender differences and embrace them instead of finding fault with each other!

Not too long ago a friend of mine was publicly reprimanded by a male radio host for a blog she posted about being an Alpha Female. The guy who started this negative feedback regularly discusses women on his show in a derogatory way.

Why do we do this to each other and why are some men and women so damn angry?

People are just not meeting face to face as often and it is so easy to vent their frustration behind a computer rather than figure out why things aren’t working for them. The biggest change you can make is to get outside and talk to real people!

Hiding behind your dating profile doesn’t help you mingle or give you incentive that there are some really great men and women out there in your city! Listening to others complain online about their dating woes or never meeting anyone of substance can become negatively embedded into your mind.

The reason online dating apps and computer dating is so popular is because both men and women lack ideas or creativity on where to rendezvous when they want to meet a potential date.  It also has a lot to do with self-esteem and fear of rejection as well.

The most obvious choice for many is the bar & nightclub scene. This is “one night stand” territory no matter how you look at it. There will always be the exception of a few people who end up in a committed relationship with someone they meet in a club, but for the most part it is a short lived scenario.

Many people wake up the next day & seldom call the number they have in their coat pocket from the night before. (This is mainly due to too much alcohol & lack of confidence to make the phone call. Or they can’t remember the conversation or what they even look like!!)

Meeting in a lounge or a restaurant is a better environment to potentially meet someone but you have to be more confident to actually talk to them without the dance option available at night clubs.

Alcohol is a great relaxer for many women & it also gives men liquid courage to approach a woman. This is why the bar scene is a repetitive hangout for so many frustrated people. Unfortunately it is usually the same old story every weekend & everyone wakes up perturbed & lonely and the pattern continues.

Some of the situations to be aware of when meeting a potential partner:

  • If you are using online dating services be aware that some people are only really interested in a sexual relationship. Really pay attention to what their profile says & notice any red flags with their pictures. Photos really are worth a thousand words on most online dating sites and many people choose to ignore these obvious signs!
  • Don’t get caught up and blinded by a person’s status! These are men and women who only date or sleep with a certain high profile type. These people usually frequent the same establishments and word travels fast. Do you really want to be known as a groupie? (You may not even be aware that you have this reputation.)
  • Be aware of men & women who are looking for a sugar daddy/mama type lifestyle and will only date someone in this financial league. They are usually pretty easy to spot so keep your eyes open and observe. Body language is also a dead giveaway.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be the constant mistress! Married men will not come to you continually unless you are sending out vulnerable and available signals. You should never be OK being number 2 in a relationship.
  • People who only date the perfect & beautiful types.  Their physical standards are so high that everything else is overlooked in the relationship. Both sexes fall into this category.

External riches do not necessarily bring internal riches.

Finding true love should not be abusive or emotionally painful. Getting yourself stuck in a routine will close doors on other available options that could ultimately work for you.

If you classify yourself as a certain “type” or that you only like a certain type of person, you will be forever stuck in repetitive scenarios.  Fear can be a powerful relationship suppressor, so be cognizant of forming any patterns that keep you from having love in your life because you are afraid of what may or may not happen.

Challenge those internal demons as to why you don’t feel worthy of having love in your life.

If you don’t have the strength to get out of  reoccurring heart breaking situations, then start observing some of your friends who may be stronger than you and follow their lead. (Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to hire someone professionally for a short time.)

Change up your dating patterns & the venues so that you have a better chance of meeting someone of substance.  Everyone deserves love!

Some of the 10 best places to meet at least start up a good conversation:

  1. Golf driving range or at an Executive Par 3 course as less serious golfers will go there. (Unless of course you are a great player!)
  2. Tennis court (Use the back wall where other solo players will practice.)
  3. The gym (Be friendly & acknowledge people near you ~ Say hi & take off your headphones!) It really is the easiest place to strike up a conversation.
  4. Airport (Talk to people in the holding room or restaurants.)
  5. Hiking trails or a Beach/Park with high people traffic.
  6. Sporting venue (hockey game, baseball game, soccer match, golf spectator etc.)
  7. Any mingle social event or lounge  (Do not seat yourself in a booth; always stay open to the room.)
  8. Meet up groups (Check your local area for the numerous groups available or start one of your own! Thursday night pub night or something to that effect.)
  9. Take a course or join a group activity where there will be men and women attending who have similar interests as you. That way you already have something in common.
  10. Speed Dating & Online Dating sites/apps (Do your homework & find the best ones that work for you.) Don’t waste much time texting back and forth. If they don’t want to meet up sooner than later, move on.

The worst thing you can do is stay home and complain that you are not meeting anyone or that all men and women are messed up. There are some wonderful people who are just as ready as you are to be in a loving relationship.

Don’t become a non-believer and get stuck in a circle of negative thinking. If it ain’t working change it up!

You are in charge of you, so listen to your instincts and work out the kinks that may be causing you to sabotage love from entering your life. It’s totally your decision and no one else.

We have to stop pointing fingers at each other and be responsible for our own happiness. Being defensive will not bring you what you are looking for long term; it will keep repelling it away from you.

Be open & ready to receive a loving partnership into your life. ❤

Susan McCord @ Please Check Out My YouTube Channel for Videos on similar topics!    The Dear Sybersue Talk Show 

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DATING TIPS: Get Out of the Box!!

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Have you been dating for what seems like forever and you keep running into the same problems? Is your ideal of Mr./Mrs. Right backfiring all the time? Are you now in a rush to find a partner because all of your friends are in relationships, your biological clock is ticking like a time bomb or your Mama is nagging at you to hurry up and give her grandchildren??

Do you regret some of the decisions from your past dating experiences? Why don’t you take a step back and look at the people you may have thought were wrong in the past. Maybe you were too picky and overlooked some future potential! In other words, Mr./Mrs. Wrong could have ended up being Mr./Mrs. Right!

It just might be time to start looking outside the box or pattern you have created for yourself.

Have men & women become so shallow that their potential mate has to fall into the category of a hot millionaire Ferrari driving male with six pack Abs or a perfect size 2 female model with a DD rack? Come on let’s get real! How long do you really think anyone can maintain these perfect looks for anyway? The window is probably 10-15 years!

A relationship should not be viewed as an aging car that is always ready for a new trade in model.

There is always a price to pay when you put looks and money as the top priority. (As Dr. Phil says, when you marry for money you earn every penny!)

Things to think about to help you realize you need to change up your dating pattern:

  1. Are you choosing someone who is married or in a relationship because they are unavailable? Could it be that you are actually commitment phobic or afraid of rejection and looking for a reason not to be in a long term relationship?
  2. Are you adamant about not dating someone who has been married or has children because you want to be the first & only? If you are over 35 you may need to change this thinking! Don’t turf everyone who has been married or has a child from a previous marriage. Some kids are really wonderful and can add a new dimension to your life that you never dreamed of. At least check it out before you blacklist every potential suitor that has children.
  3. Be careful of dating someone who is recently separated as you could end up being the guinea pig or stepping stone before they are in a healthier place emotionally.
  4. Beware of the new lover who comes in with all guns a blazing! “In fast/ out fast” is usually the case with these types. We are all suckers for romance but if it seems to be too good to be true, too fast? IT IS!
  5. Do you know what you are looking for or do you “think” you do? Do you only have one type? Will you only date people with specific astrology signs where your moons are aligned, or do they have to have a certain professional status? Will you only date one ethnic background or age group?
  6. Have you become a serial dater jumping from one relationship to the next like it’s a part time job?
  7. Are you always hanging out at the same old places, with the same single friends and stuck in a routine?

I called this post “getting out of the box” because so many men & women do not have a clue how repetitive and particular they are when it comes to their dating tactics.  Philip Goldberg has a book called: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY.  I love that title!  This book helps self-defeating habits that keep you from finding a relationship and other aspects of life that you are missing out on.

It could be your fear of being alone or fear of abandonment/rejection making you choose wrong partners! More often than not our childhood experiences play a huge role in our choices as an adult.

10 Transitional Steps to Help Get You Out of the Box:

  • You may not even realize that you have low self esteem or an insecurity that holds you back from finding a loving partnership. Try something different that makes you feel refreshingly alive and good about yourself. Little achievements are great mood boosters!
  • Get rid of cards, letters and memories of your past relationships out of your view so you can start fresh without being reminded of them. Constantly reminiscing about something that didn’t work out will not help you move forward.
  • Do something that is out of your comfort zone. Take a pole dancing or kick boxing class, join a hiking club, start a blog or write a book!
  • Try a different dating technique that you may have been opposed to before. Sign up for an online dating site or app or go on a blind date “set up” from a friend that you may have been avoiding. Speed dating can be interesting too!
  • Have a dinner party with single friends you haven’t seen for a while. Invite a 50/50 ratio of men to women and only upbeat people are allowed! No Debbie Downers or jaded heart-breakers!
  • Book a Singles Club Med Holiday and have a vacation fling! Choose someone you would never normally go for. It easier to “get out of the box” when you are not being judged in your own hometown.
  • Date someone completely out of your usual chemistry zone. Try being friends first, with no sex for a few months. Quite often sex too soon can be the demise of a potential relationship due to emotional expectations that may not be reciprocated.
  • Do not say anything negative about the opposite sex for 4 weeks! Go on I dare you!
  • Say hello to a complete stranger every single day and smile at everyone you come in contact with wherever your day takes you.
  • Put the same posted note in 5 places in your home that you frequent the most on a daily basis. In less than 5 lines, write down what you really want in a partner and ask for it out loud every time you see the note.

Start talking in a positive tone about relationships and people in general. The more optimistic your outlook is, the more attractive you will become to others. If your past dating and relationship experiences end up in the same scenario over and over again then it is time to change things up.

People tend to talk loudly about the things that aren’t working in their lives but seldom praise the good things that are happening for them. Count your blessings and honor them every day. Just by doing that simple step it will remind you of the wonderful things that you do have going for you.

Happiness is contagious and will bring more of the same towards you if practiced repetitively. No one will be able to resist your charms! ❤

Susan McCord        The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

A Male Opinion: It’s hard to meet women; they don’t give me the time of day!

Why are women so rude to men sometimes?I talk to many men via my blog and advice column about numerous topics relating to women, dating and relationships. The biggest complaint I hear is “It’s hard to meet women and they don’t give me the time of day!”

When I speak to women about this frustration from men they profusely disagree that this is not true.

Well… I can tell you that I have witnessed this behavior from a fair amount of ladies at different venues in various cities in North America and especially in Vancouver B.C. where I live! I honestly think that some women don’t realize how standoffish they can appear to others when they are out for the evening.

Body language tells a big story to the audience that’s watching.

Many guys tell me that they receive very little response back from their brave hello to women; unless of course they are the ultimate “bad boy” chick magnet! (But then they are not the ones complaining!)

Ladies I know there are some real dicks out there and that the majority of you are not ALL cold and unresponsive to men, but if dating is ever going to change you have to start being nice to guys who are pleasant and who acknowledge you. They don’t have to fit the criteria on your checklist.

A kind smile and a friendly hello doesn’t mean you have to date them! It’s called human “face to face” connection and something that is becoming obsolete these days!

Women say that men only care about hooking up and having sex. “They are not interested in a long term partnership!” While I have met many guys who do fit this description; I disagree that the majority of men do not ever want a committed relationship.

Men have told me that after so much rejection from women today, they just finally gave up looking for anything real and started to make it only about sex; as women seem to be OK giving that to them early on! (Maybe women need to talk about this with each other???)

I enjoy being around men; I understand men and I have often said I am coming back in my next life as a man! My girlfriends think I am out of my mind bat sh*t crazy. “Why would you ever want to be a guy?”

Because…it would be a nice change. 😉

Men get to be who they are without a lot of high maintenance daily rituals; as there are less expectations when it comes to physical appearance. They get to be strong minded without being labeled as a bitch. They can have sex with numerous women without being called any derogatory names. Men get to stand up to pee (so jealous!) and they can have a fight with their buddy & 10 minutes later have a beer together as if nothing has happened. All is forgiven and not held onto for an eternity! Women never forget and tend to hold grudges.

Don’t get me wrong; being a woman is pretty cool and definitely has many wonderful perks but I could do without some of nature’s gifts on the emotional and biological side. And yes…we can be bitches especially in Vancouver I am told!

OK…we understand that each gender has unique qualities; so why can’t men and women just accept the differences and get on with their lives instead of continually  pointing fingers about what they don’t like about one another?

  • Why are we fighting each other and repelling in the opposite direction of ever having a loving partnership?
  • Why is the Millennium one of the loneliest eras in relationship history? Is it because we think we can always do better and that our picky & judgemental ways are making every date a one night disaster?
  • When did wearing the wrong color socks or having fat ankles become a relationship deal breaker?
  • Why did the word ghosting become a regular habit in the dating arena? When did we become so rude by not showing up for a planned date because we were playing games & never intended to actually follow through with it, or because someone or something better came up!
  • Why have we lost all concern for human etiquette and respecting each others time and efforts?
  • Why are there so many angry comments from men about women on social media sites?

You don’t have to follow everyone else who has taken on some of these negative behaviors and you can stand out by not taking part in these ongoing endless rants about what isn’t transpiring between men and women!

Don’t let yourself fall into the pessimism of what isn’t working!

Fix it!

How does complaining about each other make things any better? Why would you ever give up on something an important as LOVE? I know things are repetitively annoying out there in the dating world but there are ways to change it.

You can start by putting the damn phone away. How can you possibly interact with anyone when your head is constantly positioned downwards? Your body language shows up as removed and far too busy to notice people around you.

If you want to have a relationship one day down the road you are going to have to resort to…wait for it…Eye contact!

I know righhht?

It’s actually not that difficult to fix this problem but I am starting to think everyone gets more empowerment from complaining about each other, then believing that there is someone amazing out there for them.

When people have been very hurt from a breakup or feel rejected; fear takes over and becomes the growing root of their loneliness. These pessimistic thoughts are dominating their path; therefore inhibiting and sabotaging their chance to be able find a loving partnership.

“You Must Believe to Achieve.” ❤

10 Simple Things to Think About to Help Change the Dynamics between Men & Women:

  1. Don’t turn your nose up at anyone who acknowledges you!
  2. Smile at people you are in close contact with at restaurants, at the gym or any social outing you are attending.
  3. Only use your phone for important messages when out for the evening! Stop with the selfie crap!
  4. Do not judge someone without even speaking to them.
  5. Make a point of having a small conversation with at least 3 people every time you go out. It will start to become a natural occurrence and also make others feel special & comfortable.
  6. Do not put anyone on the spot by asking personal questions about them. Be original!
  7. Do not have any expectations about them buying you a drink or dinner!
  8. Be interesting & fun! People are always observing from across the room and gravitate towards a positive personality.
  9. If someone asks you out on a date and you are not interested; be polite and respectful with your answer. Never give someone your number when you have no desire to see them again.
  10. Regardless of past hurt, it’s not just about you and what you want in your life. Make sure any conversations are a reciprocated scenario.

PS: Ladies if you need some help getting out of a dating slump/pattern or over a breakup or divorce come and join us every 2nd Tuesday in Kitsilano at my Single Women Meetup Group!

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show        Dear Sybersue Facebook

 

#TBT Video: What Women Want From a Man

#TBT #Throwbackthursday

My co-host Steve and I did this video over 4 years ago but since it is “throw back Thursday” I wanted to share this with you. Do I still feel the same way today and would I answer with the same comments?

I think men and women are pretty complicated in 2016 and how  we portray ourselves out in the dating world; but when it comes right down to it we all want the same thing – to be loved and respected. It sounds so simple doesn’t it?  Unfortunately it is not an easy accomplishment for many people.

We’ve changed with how we interact and seem to be a lot more judgey than we were in the past.  Both men and women will have to change things up in a big way if they want to have a reciprocated loving partnership down the road. Courtship now consists of one date and if we don’t like what we see right away, we are off to a new conquest swipe on Tinder or some other dating site. Self esteem issues are affecting more people than ever due to daily online or first date rejections.

There is something to say for the old school way of dating! Boy meets girl in person, flirts a little, asks her out, kisses her at the front door after their first date, he calls her the next day and sets up the second date!

Now there are so many rules and expectations that people don’t know what to do anymore! Due to unrealistic checklists for both men and women, many potential relationships are sabotaged before they are even given a chance! As I have written in other posts, both sexes are starting to get defensive, jaded and angry because they can’t find the love they are looking for. Why is that? Because they are too picky and judgemental!

We all have flaws and we all have great attributes. Your checklist needs to be revised & should only consist of a few important things:

  1. Integrity
  2. Respectful
  3. Kind
  4. Loving & affectionate
  5. Communicative
  6. Chemistry (emotional and sexual)

There will always be a few non-negotiable things that are really important to you but they should not consist of shallow demands. Let’s all lighten up a little and learn to “like”each other again. We are all great & we all have something to offer. Don’t look for ways to extinguish your happiness; look for positive ways to ignite it! ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show  Please Subscribe to my Channel! xo ❤

 

 

Having Trouble With Your Lovelife? Maybe Your Dating Checklist Needs Revising

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Many men & women who have written my advice column  are complaining about the obvious checklists people have when they are out on a date.  They feel that it is much more like an interview than a casual encounter!  This is a huge turnoff  and comes across clinical.  Men say  that women have a longer list which is much more specific than a man’s but still don’t know what they really want at the end of the day.

Women feel that a man’s checklist resembles something like this:

Must like sex 7 days a week.
Have a nice body.
Must like watching Sports and be OK with his regular boys night out!
Be willing to try new things regardless of what it is.
She must be a good cook & love being in the kitchen.

Why Do Women Seem to Have More On Their Dating Checklists?

Women tend to be less trusting than men on the first few dates and want to know everything they can about a possible life partner; they want to cover all their options.  Unfortunately some women don’t realize how this comes across and the men feel like they are on trial with this obvious checklist put in front of them.  While it is important to ask questions and open the communication lines; both sexes need to slow down & enjoy the moment, not interrogate each other.  There are many guys now that also have these checklists and it makes the first few dates very awkward.  First impressions are everything so why would you want someone to think you are bringing out your rule book questionnaire and checking off the boxes with each tedious question?

Online dating now has this quick elimination process with both sexes almost looking for flaws & sabotaging any first meeting at all.  People are quick to read the dating profiles with a harsh judgment and if one thing isn’t exactly what they are looking for they are onto the next person.  This is one of the reasons so many people are lonely today! They don’t give anyone a chance and if they do make it to the first date it is often quickly decided that their date doesn’t meet all the checklist requirements!  Who have we become? Are we looking for a clone of ourselves? How boring would that be!

One of my YouTube subscribers feels that everyone should go on a minimum of two dates with each person.  He feels that if you have a great verbal connection, there is something worth exploring.  He gets really frustrated with the checklist that many women seem to have.  Are we being too picky due to the fact that there is always another person waiting on our dating site and so we always think we can do better with the next one?

It is said that there are no coincidences & that each person we come in contact with is there for a purpose. If that is the case, why don’t we acknowledge each encounter as a life lesson?  Regardless of how small the message may be, there will always be something to learn from it.  People are so quick to judge & make assumptions without giving others a second look.  Someone could be dealing with some personal issues that happened that day or had some bad news before the date and may not be themselves.  They could be new at dating & shy with the whole process. Everyone has something to offer and there is someone for everyone. We need to slow down & pay attention to a persons attributes and not spending our time looking for their flaws.

What Should Our Checklist Priorities Look Like?

Character ~ Kind, loving, thoughtful, loyal.
Compatibility ~ common interests, enjoy the same sports, want to travel or happy to stay home.
Attraction ~ mental, physical & sexual (Notice how I put mental attraction first.)
Communication ~ can you talk openly to each other? Are you emotionally connected?
Personality ~ Do they make you laugh, make you a priority, make you think, add to your life?
Career ~ you mutually respect & encourage each others choices.
Parenting ~ both be equally on board with either wanting children, stepchildren or not having children.
Religious beliefs ~ this is a big problem in some relationships.
Location & Living Arrangements ~ Is it important where you live? Close to Family or loved ones?

Of course this list is generalized and each person should categorize their checklist to what works best for them. Children or Religion may be higher on your list.  Prioritizing money or looks on the first line may get you the odd date but ultimately is a shallow approach to long term happiness. Be realistic when preparing your checklist, whether it is mentally accumulated or in written form.  Look in the mirror and really see yourself for who you are & how you want others to see you as well.  No one is perfect & we have to start giving others a chance without negative judgment.  As I said earlier, there is a reason they are in your life, no matter how brief the moment, embrace it.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

Dating Advice – Why do so Many Women Need to Know Everything on the First Date?

Dear Sybersue:

Why do so many women need to know everything about me on the first date?  What is with all the questions and the big checklist?  I feel like I am being interrogated!  It is so annoying and such a turn off. Why can’t people just take things slow? I’m not the only guy who feels this way as many of my male friends have discussed it with me.  It is becoming a common occurrence and I am getting fed up…grrrrr

I am sure there are men who do this to women as well but I am just speaking about my own experiences. Why don’t people just let things unfold without 200 questions. What the heck is wrong with everyone today?

Thanks, Bryan 

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers