Dear Sybersue,
OK, bear with me while I vent a little here. Grrrrrrr. I am a decent-looking single guy in my early 30’s. I am ready to find that special woman to settle down with. I usually meet women online, and Tinder seems to be the App that I use most frequently. I know it is not everyone’s choice, but I like the simplicity of it. (OK, saying that out loud makes me sound a little shallow, doesn’t it? Sort of like I don’t want to put in too much effort?) I’m actually not a bad guy but like most men we are not into anything complicated when it comes to women.
My questions are:
- Why do women text so often and expect an instant reply every time?
- Why do they pretend to like certain things that I like in the beginning, but actually have no interest in them after we have established a connection?
- Why are they so easy to get into bed but play the high-maintenance card in all other areas?
I have spoken with many of my male friends regarding these questions. None of us know the answers. We are unsure how to meet a quality “drama-free” lady that we can share our lives with. Women seem to be clones of each other today; all acting alike and looking alike too!
What actions can I take to attract someone genuine? I want to avoid meeting fake online ladies.
Thank you, Sybersue!
Ben H.
Dear Ben,
I chose your email to post online due to the number of other men writing me with similar questions.
It is not an easy time in our new world of technological communication. Our human etiquette skills are buried under our keyboards and smartphones. We are losing our way. We are becoming disconnected. This is due to the lack of meeting in face-to-face scenarios.
Our expectations are over the top, and our patience levels are minimal. We want it NOW. If a few things aren’t perfect, we move on to the next swipe on our phone. Alternatively, we look for a new profile photo on various dating sites.
I will answer your questions in the order in which you asked them:
Answer to #1 Question: Why do women text so often and expect a reply instantly every time?
- Women like to know you are thinking about them…a lot!
- She is trying to be playful with the texts and is looking for a response from you that shows you really like her.
- Some women are more aggressive than others. It’s up to you from that first date to let her know truthfully. Tell her whether you are interested or not. Don’t pretend if you’re not; move on! Be upfront but gentle, but don’t just stop texting or ghost her.
- Don’t leave her with questions. If you enjoyed the date, tell her that you would like to see her again. Phone her with a plan for a few days down the road.
- Tell her you are too busy at work to text back & forth all day. Let her know you will contact her when you have time later in the day.
- Watch for red flags on the first date. Is she needy? Does she share every little thing about herself? What does she want in her 5-year plan?
- Be careful what signs you give her early on. If she thinks you are really interested in her, she will feel encouraged to pursue it further. Tell her you prefer to take things slow and you are not into a fast courtship. If she continues to be pushy after all of the above, it is time for you to end things.
- If you are really not that interested, do not have sex with her. Some women become very attached emotionally after being intimate with a man.
Answer to #2 Question: Why do they pretend to like certain things that I like in the beginning but actually have no interest in them after we have established a connection?
- I think both sexes are a little guilty of doing this. We want to impress each other in the beginning. We get a little overexcited and exaggerate about our hobbies, passions, and activities. Some women say they like something to keep you interested so that you will call them again.
- She could be truly interested in something you like doing. However, she may not be very good at it. Therefore, she makes excuses why she can’t do it at that particular time you ask her.
- She could just be fake and saying anything you want to hear to get your attention.
- If it is really important to you, then you need to take action. It could affect your future relationship. You will need to push the interest level and call her bluff on it. Waiting a year to realize you are opposites in many ways can cause big problems. It will lead to the end of you as a couple!
- Listen closely to what she says. Always be aware of the truth and her sincerity. Pay attention to your instincts. Your gut is seldom wrong!
Answer to #3 Question: Why are women so easy to get into bed but play the high maintenance card in all other areas?
- This one baffles me a lot, too. There are two main reasons that women sleep with men so quickly. The first reason is that they think men will run away if they don’t have sex on the first few dates. The second reason is that they think it gives them more power over you. Once they have shown you their “sexy-side” you owe them something in return.
- Some women use sex to get financial rewards. Once they establish a certain rapport with you and your wallet, it becomes an expectation.
- Don’t pay for everything, and she will not be allowed to be high maintenance. To find out if she truly likes you, don’t be overly willing to give her everything. Avoid offering a silver platter before you even know her. Some guys like to show off a little in the beginning. It sets the wrong precedent. This behavior changes the dynamics in the early stages. Is she sincere or enjoying the perks that you are offering.
- Make sure you are not choosing the same type of women all the time and getting yourself into a pattern. We often don’t see this within ourselves. This lack of awareness is why we continually get frustrated when our dating life continues to disappoint us. If you always prioritize looks, you will continually date in the high-maintenance category. Being attracted to the perfect female leads to this repetitive pattern.
- Revise your checklist! Even if you don’t have one down on paper, just thinking about ALL the things you want in a woman could be jeopardizing your happiness. You could actually be the high-maintenance one.
Don’t give up on Love.
Be honest with yourself and what you are really looking for in a partner. You control who you attract towards you. You will need to change your thought process to bring that special woman towards you.
It takes two people to make a relationship work. Remember that you are responsible for who you meet and allow into your life. If it’s not working, then you have nothing to lose by changing it up.
Most women really do want a loving man to share their world with. If you want a nice girl who is compatible with you and fun to be around, put it out there and visualize her! Knowing what you want is half the dating battle. Most people talk about what they don’t want in a relationship. However, they seldom talk about the positive things they do want.
Let me know what transpires in the next few months. I will look forward to hearing how things are going for you romantically.
Wishing you love and happiness always. <3
