My Relationship: Should I Stay or Should I go?

My Relationship: Should I Stay or Should I go?

Dear Sybersue discusses a common relationship question. Should you stay in a partnership that is constantly having problems? Are you breaking up and getting back together all the time? Can it work or is it time to move on to a healthier place?

How often have you heard the story about the couple who were constantly and off again, finally get married and then end up divorced a few years later? When things are good in a relationship it is not that much drama. There will always be little arguments over the years but to get to the point where you take numerous breaks or actually break up, is a sign, or should I say HUGE RED FLAG that things are not meant to be with you as a couple.

You shouldn’t have to talk yourself into being there or decide that your relationship was better than nothing after diving back out into the nightmare dating pool for a few months. Compatibility is everything and if there are just too many obstacles or opposite view points, it becomes a repetitive daily struggle being together. Love shouldn’t be forced or constantly compromised for someone else. It needs to be reciprocated and respected!

Don’t waste too much time fighting your life away with someone; move on to a healthier place where you can be best friends as well as romantic partners in a stress free and loving environment. Know when the relationship has fizzled beyond repair, take away the good things your learned from it and be thankful for your time together. Leave the anger behind as it takes two to mess up a relationship. Own your stuff and move along to being an even better you.

Susan McCord  The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
Facebook: DearSybersue

Dating Advice- Dear Sybersue: After 6 months My Boyfriend Says He’s Not so Sure About Us Anymore! I Don’t Believe Him

Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord  & Advice Columnist (Dear Sybersue) Answers Sandi’s Question:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months and everything was going great until now!  All of sudden he seems distant and is saying things like he’s not sure if he wants a commitment, he is also thinking of traveling to Australia with a buddy for 4 months and other things like that!

He is also saying that he feels a little overwhelmed at how fast we have moved in our relationship. He says he loves me but his actions have changed a lot!  He is less affectionate towards me especially in the bedroom.  I don’t really believe that his feelings have changed towards me and think it is just a matter of time until he figures it out.

What do you think?

Thanks, Sandi

http://www.facebook.com/DatingRelationshipTalkShow 

Please send your questions to  susanmccord9@gmail.com

Dear Sybersue : My Boyfriend is Fed Up After I broke up With him 5 Times!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BRY2…
Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Advice Talk Show for Men & Women of all Ages!

Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord also known as Advice Columnist Dear Sybersue, answers Maria’s question: My Boyfriend and I have been together for 32 months but I have broken up with him 5 times. He is now fed up and says he’s done this last time. Part of me is ready for a change and I am thinking about moving away & maybe going to college. I still love him or at least think I do?? I am driving him crazy & making him insecure & jealous all the time. I asked him to go on a break to see if we should really end this once and for all.

What do you think?

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers

 

 

 

Dear Sybersue; My Boyfriend of 10 Months is Showing Signs of Freezing me Out!

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Dear Sybersue;
My Boyfriend of 10 Months is Showing Signs of Freezing me Out!

I am a 30 yr old, well employed, very socially active and independent woman. My boyfriend of 10 months is showing signs of freezing me out. This concerns me since it is right before a one year marker in our relationship which many guys feel the pressure of these days.

I’ll include a bit about our pasts to help your response. 

Andrew is 10 years older than I am but our time spent together is never stressed by the age difference.  He took care of his sick mother since he was a child and also starting working at 15 to help pay the household bills.  He later became a police officer & but recently retired & now receives a pension. He is currently working at a construction job.

A short time ago he told me he doesn’t believe in marriage.  Please note that he was hurt badly by some evil woman that continually pestered him about marriage. They eventually got engaged and shortly after found out she was pregnant. He soon discovered she had been unfaithful and slept with someone else.  She ending up having an abortion without ever knowing whose child it was or giving Andrew any choice in the matter.  He was pretty crushed knowing it could have been his son/daughter.

Back to us…we spend almost every weekend together when we are not working. I’m fine doing nothing at all and just enjoying a meal at his place. (He cooks for me often.)  I’m happy joining him for outdoor trips and he enjoys going out dancing with me. He introduced me to his entire family after 4 months of us dating & I’ve also met his best friends. Everyone tells us they love us together!

Where I am feeling this “relationship freeze” the most is with our sex life.  Andrew has been very removed & is less interested sexually these past few months.  I started to think maybe he was interested in another woman! I have expressed my concerns to him & questioned his fidelity.  His response was he is not happy with his position in life and financially he doesn’t have his future secured.

He stated because he knows I love him and I deserve so much, he has not wanted sex! He says women get that “in love feeling” from sex, and he doesn’t want me to expect that from him!

We don’t go out on date nights anymore, but we still spend weekends together. He is still very sweet to me but the sex has been restricted to once a week or less now. I’m in no rush to get married but I do love him and I’d be really happy if we did tie the knot one day. Many of his friends have mentioned that they thought Andrew was hurt and bitter from his past relationship breakup but what if he really does have ice in his heart and there is irreparable damage?

Should I just stick it out? He told me if I want to leave he wishes me the best and that I am a wonderful woman.

Reading this over it does seem obvious that if I did break up with him he would not put up a fight to keep me in his life.  Do you think he is freezing me out slowly so I will be the one to leave? Do you think he is testing me to see how long I’d stick with him without a ring? Please help!!

Thank you, Kim

Dear Kim,

Your boyfriend has a few demons in his closet which probably stems from being a fatherless child that had to nurture his mother, rather than having his mother nurture him. I don’t know anything about his dad as you didn’t mention it, but Andrew may also be dealing with some abandonment issues. He was also cheated on and dumped by a girl that he was engaged to, and who shut him out of making any decisions regarding her pregnancy. This was just another heart break scenario in his long list of past emotions haunting him.

(Also, many policemen learn to shut down their feelings due to all the trauma they witness on the job. It can be very difficult for some of them to open up.)

You are absolutely right that he is removing himself of any major commitment with you. This is a common scenario with some men who have a fear of love and long term relationships. The problem is they start out really sincere showing they are into a partnership by introducing you to their family & friends, and then start pulling away after the 6 month mark because they freak themselves out!  I think for the most part they are initially into trying to make it work but then those rooted doubts come back once again to make them pull away. It can be a vicious circle until they realize what they are doing and get some professional help.

When a man tells a woman something that he is feeling, she needs to really listen to what he is saying rather than trying to read between the lines with her own version. He is losing interest in sex which is not a good situation if the relationship is healthy. Of course women put sex and love into the same scenario when they are in a relationship and the fact that he said he doesn’t want sex due to that reason should be a relationship deal breaker. That is a pretty loud statement & very hurtful. He also told you that he understands if you want to leave, as he knows you want more than he is able to give you. Has he told you he loves you?

I am not sure why money is an issue if he is getting a pension & working at a construction job too? Could this be an excuse? I think you really know the answer to your own question here Kim, and I know how hurtful it is to realize your relationship could be over soon. He really needs to talk to someone as he sounds a bit depressed and that he has given up on having love in his life.

My advice to you would be; if he is willing to seek professional help you give it a few more months, but if he refuses, then it is time for you to find happiness somewhere else. You deserve a “Loving” partnership, not a one sided “companion” without love and limited sex.  Don’t ever settle for someone, always respect yourself first!

If this is meant to be, he will realize it by not letting you go. Right now you are making it easy for him because you are the one making all the sacrifices.  Is that what you really want long term? I don’t think you do or you wouldn’t be writing me. You know what is important to you and you can have it by believing you deserve it.

Sending you hugs, Sybersue

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Dear Sybersue,

Thanks for your reply. Well he has said he loves me “once,” but he tells me he cares for me all the time. When this issue was first brought up he asked me “don’t I show you that I love you by my actions?” Sadly perhaps you’re correct, he may be making excuses. I wish I knew a way to convince him to talk to a professional. We communicate and share so much but I do believe he uses me as a therapist at times.

His father was a drunk, very abusive and in fact the main reason his mother is not well! This also was the reason Andrew became a provider at such a young age.

I feel because I love him I want to fix him. I want him to know that there are people out there like me that won’t abandon or hurt him. He acknowledges he has some problems. When he says he’s fine with me leaving due to these issues, it seems like a cop out to just give up again.

I’m not perfect; I’ve been hurt, abandoned, and yes broken hearted. I did in fact see a therapist for 2 yrs but I still have no clue how to sell a grown man to go in that direction.

Thank you again Sue! I can’t say I’m ready to jump out of this relationship but your insight has clarified my doubts of “what if.”

Sincerely, Kim

Dear Kim,

Thanks for writing back. Wow you both have been through a lot. This is probably the reason you found each other. “Like attracts like.” I think you nailed it when you said you want to “fix it” because this is what many women do! We are natural nurturers. The fact that you had some professional help for your own past is wonderful & because you know how helpful it was, makes you want to help fix him all the more!

Your BF has problems with loving people because there has been so much hurt in his life. Unfortunately it’s not unlike helping an alcoholic; they have to be ready to change. I wish I could give you more hope and better news but I think in this case the only way things will improve with you both, is if he gets some counseling.

Staying in this situation really gives you the short end of the stick. You sound like a very loving & caring woman who deserves more than this type of partnership. Ask yourself what you are getting out of it and be honest with yourself. Sometimes we hold on just because we think it is easier than starting over with someone else. He may be a test from the Universe to see if you have learned some things from your therapy.

You deserve someone who tells & shows you they love you every day. Once in 10 months is not enough. Why did he tell you he loved you if he doesn’t want you to have those reciprocated “in love” feelings? He is contradicting himself and sending you mixed messages. The first 2 years is supposed to be the best part of your relationship. Your 10 months together has been a teeter totter ride with you making all the compromises.

Wishing you clarity & love always.

 xo Sybersue

Dear Sybersue: I Was in a 7 Year Relationship & My Boyfriend Recently Left Me…

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Dear Sybersue: I was in a 7 year relationship & my boyfriend recently left me

I was in a 7 year relationship and my boyfriend recently left me…I’m in so much pain and it’s only been a month. It was such an abrupt breakup and it totally blindsided me! What can I do, I’m so stuck.  I tried dating already but most of the guys just want sex and I am avoiding that, but I still have needs. I feel so alone & I’m very disillusioned as to why end our relationship ended without so much as a discussion?

(Thanks for your video advice about breakups, it did help…)

DDee

Dear DDee,

Thanks for writing & I understand & feel your pain! 7 years is a long time invested in a relationship & not something anyone gets over in a few months; but you won’t be lonely for long if you dust yourself off, get outside & keep really busy.

Anything that reminds you of him you need to clear out of the house. Constant memories are what keep you pining for him. If he is on your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or any other social media remove him. I can’t stress this enough! The less energy to give to thoughts about him, the sooner you will be on the road to mending your broken heart.

So many women think that if they still can see or hear what their EX is doing it makes them feel closer ~ Not! It just makes it more difficult watching them move on without you!

Dating right away is not the advice I would give as it usually just makes you miss your EX even more, especially if you are not really attracted to this new person. This can add more drama to your life which will delay you moving on at a faster pace.

The heart needs time to heal & not be shoved right back into an unpredictable setting that you’re not ready for. You are not strong enough to deal with this on an emotional level. It’s not fair on the person you date either as you are not really available at this time. Part of you is somewhere else down memory lane! (Usually after 6 months things will start to feel much better & the pain will lessen.)

Be active and get off your couch.  Joining something new will keep your mind occupied & each day will become less & less about your past relationship. The hardest part for you right now may be not knowing why your relationship ended & not having proper closure.

I am sure there were some “red flags” in the last year of your partnership but only you can answer that question honestly.

Many people are in denial that the signs are there because they bury them, hoping it isn’t really happening & their relationship isn’t in jeopardy. “Its just a phase that all couples go through!” This isn’t the case in most healthy partnerships because the couple communicates their concerns before it festers into a big problem.

They want to fix it, not ignore it.

I did a video: “Don’t be the Last to Know Your Relationship is in Trouble,” because so many men & women are not paying attention to their relationship and truly are the last ones to know there is a problem.

You didn’t say whether you have had contact with your EX boyfriend since the breakup, but it may be time to get a few answers to your questions in the next few months. We can all learn from past relationships even if it is hurtful in the beginning. It can help teach us things about our self or what to be aware of in another relationship.

Your friends could know something to help you move on but may be afraid to tell you for fear of hurting you further. I am not sure whether you lived with this man but 7 years is a long time to be committed to someone without cohabitating or tying the knot.  This is a big issue in many long term partnerships and a huge sign that a couple may not be there for the long haul in the years to come.

I hate the cliché “things happen for a reason” but often breakups indicate that you are not supposed to be with your EX & someone is guiding you to a better place.

In another few months you will have a clearer picture of why you and your EX are not together & it will get easier. I doubt he is sitting at home eating Haagen-Dazs ice cream & listening to sad love songs or watching romcoms.; maybe we could learn something from men on how to move on as quickly as they seem to do sometimes.

The biggest lesson here for all of us to remember is “A broken heart means you know how to love” which also means you are able to find it again because you know what it is.

Wishing you much happiness & wonderful new beginnings. This video below may help you clarify what may have transpired in the demise of your relationship or at least give you another perspective.

Sybersue ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Relationship Advice: What Does “Taking a Break” Really Mean?

Seriously, what does “We are taking a break in our relationship” really mean?

This video from 5 years ago is still a very popular topic today! I wanted to re-post due to all the ongoing comments about this video on my YouTube channel. I am not usually as opinionated on my show but this conversation always gets me going! 

So many people are into taking a break in their relationship today! How do they get away with their partners being OK with it?  Isn’t this the same as having your cake & eating it too?  The best of both worlds?

Isn’t this is just a cowards way of eventually ending a relationship because they don’t want to be alone right away & they can keep their options open? Both sexes initiate this scenario today, especially in the millennial crowd.

Wouldn’t it be better to stay single & date rather than have to hurt someone in this manner? It is not a nice place to be; waiting on the sidelines for someone and it is seldom reciprocated where both people in the partnership are on board with this.

What are some of the reasons that your partner wants to take a break?

  • They are easing into a full time breakup.
  • It can be used as a threatening ultimatum tool to get something more out of the relationship that they are not receiving.
  • It allows more nights out with friends or separate vacations.
  • Stalls the marriage discussions.
  • Keeps you guessing by playing hard to get. Might be trying to take back some power in the relationship.
  • Being the one always in control.
  • They have health issues or heavy stress in their lives & can’t cope.
  • They like you but are not in love with you.
  • They just really want the best of both worlds!

Ultimately taking a break means the relationship is pretty much over. If you are bored, or have fallen out of love, what is a break going to do? You can’t force yourself to love them.

If you take a break & then end up getting married down the road, it often ends up in divorce because the same problems are still there that always have been. People do not change that much and if something is missing in the partnership, it is usually a compatibility issue.

If you do agree to a Break, what are the RULES?

  1. Are you allowed to date or have sex with others?
  2. Do you see each other at all during this break?
  3. Is there regular communication or are you completely cut off from each other?
  4. Are you still having sex with them sporadically? (If so are you OK with basically being demoted to a booty call?)
  5. How long is the break for? Is there a set time limit?

This scenario is really not a good situation to fall into. You are temporarily on hold so they can do there own thing or so they can open the doors to finding someone else. There is a chance that they may “settle back in with you” after they have had their fun but will you ever feel good about that?

Could you trust that they really love you or will there always be an insecurity that it will happen again?

Don’t allow yourself to be number two. If a relationship is right, it really isn’t that much work. When two people really love each other they love their time together!

If you are at the stage where you want to take a break in your relationship you should be honest with yourself and clarify what it is you really want. So many people have made angry comments about this video but they are always the ones that initiated the break!

Ending a relationship with someone gives both people a chance at a new beginning but asking your partner to “take a break” is not fair to them. They are put in a position of hanging around waiting for you to decide whether you want to be with them or not. How is that cool? Don’t you honestly think it is a little selfish?

So the next time someone asks you to “take a break,”ask them what they really mean. If you decide to honor their wishes, tell them there will be no contact, no booty calls, no texting, nothing! It’s a total break not a partial break. They can’t have it both ways.

Susan McCord     The Dear Sybersue Talk Show