Dear Sybersue,
I hope you can help me with this and I appreciate you being totally honest with how you respond. My girlfriend of 5 years is a beautiful 32 year old woman but she is very unhappy in her job as a waitress. (On the opposite end of the spectrum I love my job as a firefighter!) We live together and were inseparable for the first 3 years. She has always been a little sarcastic and I used to think it was funny & meant in a lighthearted way. Now I feel she is using her “so called humor” at my expense & I do not find it humorous in the least! It is very derogatory. She has a few girlfriends that she treats the same way and I have noticed they are coming around less & less. I have told her how I feel but she just can’t seem to help herself and is still sarcastic on a daily basis. I am almost ready to leave our relationship but I still love her and had planned on marrying her!
What do you suggest?
Almost Done Daniel
ANSWER
Hi Daniel,
I am so glad you wrote! I am not a fan of sarcasm and never have been. It has a very small place in the world of communication but occasionally there can be some funny one liners & needed comebacks. For the most part though, it is a nasty way of verbalizing what someone really wants to say in a negative way, especially in a relationship! They think if they add humor it will lose the real intent of their feelings. Continual sarcasm is used by people who are insecure for the most part. It makes them feel better by shutting someone else down in a “playful” way. The problem is, it isn’t playful after the second & third time it is repeated.
You mentioned your girlfriend is not happy in her job, which is probably where her insecurity stems from. She is mad at herself for not changing her life & takes it out on you by using these sarcastic jabs. You on the other hand, have a heroic job where many women put you on a pedestal. This just adds fuel to her insecurities & she unknowingly sabotages your relationship. She is jealous of your life because she feels inferior to you and your accomplishments. She needs a wake up call before she loses you completely.
If you truly love her & want to salvage this partnership, these five things need to be addressed:
1) She needs to leave her job ~ which means you will have to be by her side supporting her emotionally & mentally while she goes to school or learns a new career. ( She may need a little help financially if she has to take less work shifts to do this.)
2) Communicate to her how this sarcasm has to stop or you will leave the house every time she uses it. It is not to be tolerated and she needs to realize how often it is happening. (No confrontation, just remove yourself from the situation.) If she doesn’t try to make any changes at all then you may have to leave the house for good with your suitcase in hand.
3) Make sure you are giving her positive feedback on a regular basis as this will contribute to her feeling less insecure as well. She may need some counselling if this problem is rooted deeper than just changing her job. There could be some childhood self-esteem insecurities that she hasn’t dealt with.
4) Remember; It’s not your job to FIX her but be supportive while she is making these changes to her life. Give yourself a time limit of how long you are willing to be there and make sure she is really sincere on working things out in your relationship. You have been there for 5 years and if she is not serious about you as a couple you need to move on.
5) She needs to apologize to you and her friends that have walked away & tell you all that she is dealing with her issues. She must own her part in the demise of your relationship and these fizzling friendships, which is the biggest part of any type of therapy.
Making these alterations should put you on your way to a stronger & healthier relationship. Good for you for caring and taking the time and the effort to make things better at home. So many people would just walk out & not even try to understand how to correct it. Your girlfriend may just need a little understanding and some professional coaching to change her ways. At the very least you have done all that you can do to make it work out for your partnership which shows how much you love her Daniel. Hopefully she sees what a great guy she has and changes her ways. <3
Keep me posted!
Sybersue
Dear Sybersue Talk Show @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord
