Today on the Dear Sybersue advice column I answer Jake’s dilemma: My Girlfriend Has the Worst High Maintenance Friends! She is now starting to act like them!
Dear Sybersue.
I am very concerned that my girlfriend is hanging around way too much with her high maintenance and superficial friends. All they do is go to bars and take selfies for their social media sites.
They also expect the guys they meet to pay for everything all night long!
After 6 months I am getting fed up competing for her attention! Things were great in the beginning but now it is all about this group of girls and how good they look in a selfie! They take hours to get ready and then spend the evening staring at their reflection in their camera on their phones, taking photo after photo.
When did my generation become so vain and self-absorbed? ( I am 26 and my girlfriend is 22.) Why is it important to these women to receive constant affirmation from complete strangers out in cyberland? They don’t seem to want the attention at home with their partners! WTF is going on?
I only see her once or twice a week now and even then she isn’t really invested in our time together. She says she loves me but I honestly think she loves her Instagram and Facebook account more.
I have asked her to put her phone away when we are on a date but then she just goes to the washroom and spends 15 mins on it there instead. I don’t want to be “that guy” who comes across as controlling or jealous so I haven’t said as much as I really want too! I strongly feel that I shouldn’t have to say anything as she should GET how rude she is being!
Am I just being a dick? What do you think Sybersue? Is there is any hope for our relationship or should I just move on?
Thank you, Jake
Dear Jake,
Hi Jake, first of all, thank you for writing to me! This is a great question because there are so many other guys dealing with this scenario. You are not the first to write to me about this.
No, I don’t think you are being a dick, not at all. You are a concerned boyfriend who is listening to his gut and paying attention to the red flags in front of him. You are questioning her character and so you should!
After being together for 6 months you are seeing a change in her that you do not like. This is why I tell my clients to pay close attention to the early stages of a relationship. We can all be well behaved for a short time and then our true self will eventually surface if we are not being authentic.
I would sit down with her and have a really good talk about how much this is bothering you. Your relationship has dwindled down to seeing each other once/twice a week so it is time to fix it or move on. (
Ask her:
- Does she really enjoy spending so much time on her social media or does she feel obligated because her friends are doing it?
- Is she competitive with her friends or does she feel peer pressure to fit in with them?
- Does she understand that she is prioritizing this “selfie obsession” over nurturing and maintaining your partnership?
- Tell her how much this is changing the dynamics of your relationship and that there needs to be a compromise.
- Be honest and explain to her that you need more substance with a partner and less superficial interaction with her phone when you are together.
- I would be very concerned about how she is OK allowing guys to spend all this money on her and her friends. She is in a relationship! How would she feel if you were out doing that with other women??
Unfortunately, social media has become very addictive with many people and it is causing a lot of drama in relationships today. If your girlfriend is so self-absorbed and can’t understand that you are ready to move on, then you have your answer Jake.
You can only take a back seat for so long before you eventually move on to a more suitable partnership. Keep me posted and let me know how things work out.
Sybersue xo <3
Has this happened to you and how did you deal with it? Please leave your comments below!
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