Thank you for visiting me here at Dear Sybersue! The topic I am discussing today is titled: Does Your Childhood Have Influence Over Your Style of Parenting?
Some of my clients and other people I have spoken with, are fearful of having children due to how they were treated in their own childhood. They have doubts about how they will be as parents because they have a fear of repeating the same damaging scenario with their own children.
“What if I end up being like my parents and continue the same dysfunctional pattern with my own children? How can I be certain that won’t happen?”
It is so important to do some self-healing and find some relief from the past challenges that are giving you self-doubt from your childhood. Many of us have a few scars or difficult memories from our youth, but there are ways to change your mindset if it is stuck in a place of sadness or apprehension from your past.
If you are regularly dealing with any of the 10 issues mentioned below, it is important and necessary to seek counseling to help clear out these painful childhood dilemmas.
(This will help you to be able to move forward to feeling more secure with regard to possible parenting in the future.)
- Were you not shown love as a child?
- Are you emotionally unavailable or shut down when it comes to showing love to others and yourself?
- Do you have repetitive negative childhood dialogue that takes up space in your daily thoughts?
- Do you have trouble understanding what love is, or don’t feel you deserve having love in your life?
- Have you felt abandoned over the years and felt lonely in your youth?
- Are you blaming yourself for what transpired in your home life as a child?
- Was there emotional or physical abuse in your childhood home?
- Were you left alone much of the time to fend for yourself?
- Were you pushed into a responsible parent role with your younger siblings due to absentee parents?
- Did you have to deal with berating comments within your early family life that harmed your confidence and self-esteem?
As an adult, you have the choice not to repeat a negative childhood pattern, but first, you have to understand “what needs to change” to improve your life.
If you had a really tough upbringing and things have never been resolved, this could absolutely play a part in your parenting style due to underlying self-doubt. I can tell you from my own experience that I was nervous about having children for many years before I became a mother.
My parents did not tell us they loved us (5 kids) and it was a tense environment to grow up in for the most part. Without being consciously aware, I built up a protective wall at an early age. It wasn’t an angry wall, more of a feeling of numbness; sort of like a part of me was missing. This caused problems in some of my early romantic relationships because if you don’t know what love is, it is so difficult to find a healthy connection with a potential partner.
Wanting to be a good parent is a common anxiety, even among people who come from a loving childhood.
Becoming a parent is a very beautiful part of life, but it can also be a scary place. Your little child depends on you to guide them through the formative years of their youth. That is a big task for sure! I don’t think anyone goes through making this powerful life-changing decision without having some doubt about how they will be as a parent.
It is a big role to take on, and no one is immune from making a few mistakes here and there. It is a learning curve that keeps you on your toes from conception to adulthood. When you are truly invested, you never stop caring or being a parent to your kids, regardless of how old they are.
I was very fortunate to become a mom and gain a whole new comprehension of what unconditional love actually meant.
I fell in love with my son immediately and really appreciated the powerful bond we had, and still have together. Furthermore, I learned so many valuable lessons. The most important one for me was how imperative it is to nurture the love between parent and child, as it absolutely helps shape who they become as an adult. The more love you share with your children, the more confident and self-aware they become.
It also opened me up emotionally and changed me in a big way! My walls came down, and I had so much more clarity that I lacked in my childhood. I honestly couldn’t comprehend how any parent could raise their children without having a deep emotional connection. It opened up a floodgate of feelings that I had submerged for 25 years. I am forever grateful and very blessed for what the love of my son taught me.
There is no perfect path to parenthood, and we all learn a little more each day as we go along.
#1– Doing therapeutic work to heal childhood scars is “the first step” to get to the emotional root by altering any negative energy. This will teach you how your past can still affect you as an adult and how to remove self-doubt so that you have the necessary tools on how to be a loving parent. Being conscious of what triggers difficult memories is a big part of changing repetitive thinking and patterns that don’t serve you.
#2– “The second step” is to communicate your fears to your partner. They may have some concerns about their own childhood, and together you can make a combined decision about how to move forward as a team. What lessons can you both bring to the table, and how can you be there for each other’s peace of mind? How can you encourage and support each other to be better parents?
#3– “The third step” is to forgive yourself for feeling scared, and understand that these childhood issues were not your fault. The wonderful thing about being an adult is that you now have the choice and resources to remove negative childhood patterns. You are free to love your child in ways you did not experience in your own youth.
You can make a difference as a parent just by acknowledging what you didn’t have in your own childhood. The most important lesson is not to repeat any part of the memories you want to forget. Understand, there will always be a few familiar patterns that show up to test you, and that is totally normal. It is how quickly you react and acknowledge them that will eventually slow up any repetitive cycles. Being conscious of negative paterns is the fundamental key to changing them!
If you are nervous about how you will be as a parent, spend some time interacting with children whenever you can.
Being around children isn’t a natural thing for everyone. If you are questioning how you will be as an adult in this role, get to know your friends or family members’ children by spending time with them. Offer to take them to the park or an afternoon outing somewhere.
If you’re not sure how to talk to children, ask them questions. Find out their favorite things to do and what their interests are. The more time you engage with children, it will teach you how to communicate with them more consistently. It will also give you the confidence when it comes to interacting in a nurturing and loving manner.
I hope today’s post helps give you a little more clarity and reassurance when it comes to repairing the damage your heart may have felt from your younger years. The fact that you are here reading this post means that you are interested in making some changes in your life and you are open to feeling more confident in making a parenting decision moving forward. It is definitely worth the energy invested to find out. Practicing self-love is also so important!
Thanks so much for stopping by and please leave any comments or questions below! I love hearing from you!
*Please watch the video below for more information on this topic:
Sybersue xo <3
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