Finding love can be a very difficult situation due to some men and women not understanding what they are looking for in a partner, or what they may be subconsciously doing to jeopardize their happiness. Here are 15 things to think about next time you are out on a date or thinking about getting back into a partnership again. It’s never too late to learn new things about yourself or to find helpful tools to improve your love life.
1. Letting the fear of rejection stop you from having a relationship.
This form of relationship sabotage is the biggest mistake both men and women make when they really like someone! There are many stories of people ending a relationship due to their own insecurities and fears that it will not work out. Unfortunately, these people reject themselves first, so they aren’t the ones being left. The sad part is it may have worked out wonderfully, but the fear of actually having a “real” partnership is what scared them off.
You’ve simply kept them from rejecting you by rejecting yourself ~a pattern that needs to be addressed if you want to find a loving partnership.
If this is becoming a repetitive dating or relationship scenario in your life, it is important to talk with a therapist about your fears. These insecurities can be very deep-rooted problems that are not easy to resolve without some professional guidance. Anything that becomes an unhealthy pattern should always be addressed. This will help you gain clarity on why certain situations keep happening and how to move forward to improve your relationships.
2. You get someone’s phone number and then DON’T call.
There are 3 errors that happen here:
- You may have initially wanted to call, but factors, such as being busy or being nervous, interfered. Then suddenly you realize it’s been so long that if you call now, they may not know who you are, or be upset that you took your time. Lose the rule book about waiting a certain time to call or text someone. If you are interested, let them know.
- You only said you would phone them to be nice at the end of a date and had no intention of calling! Please don’t do this to someone. If you are not into seeing them again, it is always best to be honest that you didn’t feel a connection, or at the very least don’t say anything after your date. Don’t make empty promises.
- You actually really did lose their number and have no way of contacting them. If you are serious about seeing someone again and really do want to call them, put their phone number in your contact list right away and double-check with them that you wrote it in properly. (I accidentally typed in the wrong number to a guy’s phone on the first date, and then I never heard from him. I was crushed because I really liked him and thought we were on the same page. 1 week later, he rang my doorbell and asked if I meant to snub him by giving him the wrong number?! He had dropped me off at my house after our date, so he remembered where I lived. I was so happy he listened to his gut and figured that I made a typo. We dated for a year and still remain, friends, today.)
3. Being too cocky!
Confidence is one thing, but being overly assertive or cocky is another. First impressions are very important and are the stepping stones to future dates. Acting too self-absorbed can come across as arrogant and is very unattractive for the most part. A date should consist of reciprocated discussions, and no one should dominate at any time.
Taking time to ask questions and truly listen to each other shows respect and mutual interest. Posturing or bragging about anything is a pretty loud statement. Confident men and women have nothing to prove and “stand out” just by being themselves.
4. Putting people on a pedestal.
No one is better than anyone else. If you start out a relationship by putting someone in very high regard, it usually isn’t a reciprocated experience. It can end up being a boring environment and very predictable for the person put on the pedestal because they can do no wrong! We all want healthy challenges and excitement in our partnership.
If you are allowing yourself to be in this situation on a regular basis, it is time to do some work on your confidence levels. A couple who have a strong connection understands there has to be balance and boundaries to have a great relationship.
5. Showing desperation!
When you are out on a date, be careful not to talk about how long it has been since you dated or had sex! This happens way too often on the first few dates, and it is nobody’s business but yours! Slow down on giving out too much information, especially things that may show your insecurities. Some people take advantage of you if you show too much vulnerability.
If you tend to be a little clingy when you really like someone, slow down how often you see a new person. This will keep you from looking for constant affirmation within a new situation. Don’t ask them dozens of questions about what they are up to when they are not with you.
Also, be cognizant that texting them continually and being overly eager and available will become a big turn-off early on. If you are the type that needs repetitive reassurance all the time, this insecurity usually ends up being the demise of having a committed future with that person.
Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship are two different things here. Needy partners often end up in a controlling relationship, or in repetitive short-term situations. (It’s important to have your own life, but also make space for someone to come in and share it with you.)
6. Not listening to your GUT when you meet someone!
This is probably the second most common mistake both sexes make when dating someone new. Your gut knows a lot more than your heart and your loins do. Safety should always come first above any lustful needs. Your instincts are your best guide and will never let you down. You just have to learn to listen to them and not ignore their nagging persistence.
When something internal is warning you about anything in your life, this voice of reason is there for your personal protection. When you learn to trust this vibration and hear it as quickly as it appears, you will always choose the right path. Not everyone you meet is as sincere as you might think they are. There are many catfishers out there looking for a good catch. Let people earn your trust and listen closely to red flag scenarios. If you have any doubts or prickly spidey-sense warnings, stop seeing them immediately.
7. Not prioritizing reciprocated communication.
Your first few dates should consist of a well-rounded communicative rapport. Get to know each other without sexual distractions.
Jumping into bed too soon, or choosing dating options that don’t allow you to share a wonderful conversation with someone, is not a great activity choice on the first few dates. The mistake here is that you may end a potentially great relationship simply because you didn’t take the time to get to know each other. Asking questions and finding out each other’s interests is what dating is all about to see if you are compatible as a couple.
Introducing sex too early before you know each other can end up being a big misjudgment. There is often very little romance or built-up excitement, leading up to the first encounter because it happened too fast! This can lead to disappointment because it is purely a sexual release, without having those magical feelings that make sensual time together very powerful.
Yes, I know that some partnerships can work out when the sexual chemistry is just too powerful to ignore, but generally, it is better to wait a little while before you make sex the priority over everything else. You really don’t know if you even like them yet, or if they have some characteristics that might not be what you are looking for. It is also not a safe place to allow yourself to be.
You don’t even know if you have anything in common at this early stage. Sexual gratification shouldn’t be the only thing you achieve when you are looking for a potential partnership. There is so much more that goes into maintaining the love between a couple over the years. Sex is only part of that.
8. Spending too much time together too soon! (Keep the mystery alive by taking time between each date to miss them.)
Jumping into anything too fast is not a good idea. People need time to connect and see if there are commonalities, reciprocated interests, and romantic feelings, to be able to have a potential partnership.
Your heart needs time to feel a connection and when you take a few days away from one another before you see them again, it builds up those butterfly feelings that help you know there is something happening. Anything that starts out too fast usually ends just as fast. Appreciate the time you spend together but take baby steps, not a full-blown leap!
9. Making plans too far in advance before you have both discussed and agreed to be exclusive with each other.
Just because you think you have found “the person of your dreams” doesn’t mean you should be presumptuous and think that you are both on the same page! Be aware of those people who are inviting you to their family reunion at the summer cottage after two dates, planning a vacation with you right away, or discussing moving in together before you have even found out where they live!
Slow down the pace, and don’t let things get out of hand because you feel coerced into doing things that you are not ready to commit to. Always have a voice in how things progress in any relationship. When things feel fantastic early on in a new situation, it’s so easy to get carried away with how quickly you interact as a couple. Be aware of this and slow things down so you both don’t end up freaking out and running away in the opposite direction.
10. Meeting all their friends on the 1st few dates.
This can be a pattern with some people. They do this early on because they’re looking for approval from their friends and to see if you are a good fit in their group. It can feel very flattering in the beginning that they want to share you with the important people in their life, but if it happens too soon, it is a red flag.
It is way too much pressure to put on someone. You need to get to know each other as a couple before anyone else enters the picture. They may want to get the relationship going quickly because all their friends are in a committed relationship, and they feel lonely or left out. Nonetheless, it can feel a bit like a “trophy showing” way too early.
11. Game playing!
This strategy is used for a couple of reasons. The first reason is to protect one’s ego. When it comes to dating; everyone fears rejection on some level. Playing it cool and not getting too involved may make you feel safe, but you risk coming across as aloof, or removed, and may turn the other person off. Balancing your interest in them and maintaining your composure is the best way to handle it.
Another reason people play games is to get something they want that they wouldn’t likely get if they played it straight up. Unfortunately, this usually backfires and most game players are repeatedly back out in the singles market! You will get further and end up happier if you allow yourself to be genuine. It’s OK to put your best foot forward cautiously, but have the courage to be upfront and show who you really are. Once you feel a safe connection, it is OK to show a little vulnerability.
12. Fantasizing too early about the future with someone.
When you catch yourself trying on his last name before the third date, or picturing her as the mother of your children, it’s time to remind yourself to slow down. In the first 1-3 months of a new relationship, you are likely running on oxytocin, which creates a euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This can interfere with your ability to think clearly due to the excitement you feel around each other.
Many people that jump in too fast to a relationship end up back in the single’s arena just as fast. When you take your time and get to know someone slowly, it keeps things real and somewhat mysterious as well. Some new couples get so ahead of themselves when things click well early on and fantasize about having a committed partnership before it is even discussed.
When someone comes on strong and assertive early on, and you’re both not on the same page, it becomes a turn-off. Please don’t speak about having a future with a potential partner until you have both had time to enjoy a courtship and get to know each other well. If you really like them, but feel things are going too fast, take the initiative to slow down the pace. It could save your relationship.
13. Obsessing over relationship details.
This is common with those people who worry about every little thing that is happening in the relationship. They worry about what the other person said and worry about what they meant by it, they worry about how they reacted, they worry about the relationship not working out, they spend time worrying about what if it does work out, and on and on. That is an exhausting way to live life.
Relax and enjoy the relationship as it unfolds, without looking for things to obsess over. This is another form of sabotage that many men and women don’t know they are participating in. If you are starting to second guess yourself within every new relationship, the same results will continue to happen. It is time to take a break from dating and get to know yourself better. You will have so much more clarity when you go back to dating again after being independent in your own life.
14. Ignoring obvious red flags.
If someone ghosts you when you’re supposed to meet up with them, doesn’t call/text for 2-3 weeks, talks constantly about their ex, tells you that they are not ready for a relationship, or tells you that they don’t want children, these are important red flags! Many people often overlook or ignore these warning signs because they are so eager to be in a relationship.
Paying attention to these situations is an imperative part of dating! Removing yourself early from seeing these red flags, will bring you closer to finding someone who is there for the same reasons that you are. If someone is not on the same page with the things that are most important to you, it is wise not to invest any more time with them.
Going into a new partnership hoping they will change their mind about something, is not a smart thing to do. Move on. I promise you will be much happier down the road and have way less drama to deal with.
15. Interviewing your date.
“How many children do you want? Why are you single? Why have you never been married? How many sexual partners have you had?”
These are not great opening lines on a date, but you might be surprised how often they are said. I have had some bizarre questions in my past dating experiences, but I think the best/worst one was: “Would you be interested in getting a boob job if I paid for it?” This happened on the first date at lunchtime!
You want to show interest in someone on a date by making sure you have a reciprocated playful conversation. Pressing someone for information comes across like a job interview, and it will not get you a second date! Make sure the discussion is lighthearted and isn’t clinical or too serious. Humor should be a priority, and making each other laugh is a shoo-in for a second date. Life can be difficult for all of us, and when we spend time with someone who is abrupt or aggressive with how they come across, it’s not the path most of us choose to walk on.
*One Last Bonus Number:
16. Not being honest about your needs and sacrificing too much to be in the relationship.
No one will respect you if you allow yourself to be walked over because you are making everything about them. Having your own full life is very important, and the person who you choose to share your life with should be an extension of who you already are as your authentic self. You should both fit into each other’s lives and respect one another unconditionally. I see way too many people living in unhappy, one-sided relationships.
Valuing yourself enough to put your needs on the table, as well as the other person’s needs you are dating, or in a relationship with, is the key to establishing balance and harmony with someone you love. A healthy relationship is one between two equals, both giving and receiving love in a reciprocal fashion.
Sybersue xo <3
Private Dating Relationship Coaching With Sybersue – Please contact me @ dearsybersue@gmail.com and message me there to set up a video call or audio call appointment within 24 hours. Thank you!
Susan McCord Socials @ Dear Sybersue YouTube – Dear Sybersue Facebook
There is only thing that matters. Love is effortless then it’s meant to be. If you have to force love, it’s not going to work