My boyfriend doesn’t respect my decisions and wants me to change so many things about myself. I have walked away 5 times. Why can’t I break free from a bad relationship?
Dear Sybersue:
My situation is getting too much for me to handle. I have big family problems, my studies are an ongoing issue, and my relationship is in constant turmoil. I am 11 years younger than my boyfriend, and we have been together for almost 3 years. He knows about my problems, and we do love each other for the most part.
The trouble is, I am losing my patience. I can’t tolerate his bad behaviour, judgmental attitude, anger, and jealousy. He doesn’t respect all my decisions and wants me to change so many things about myself. I have walked away 5 times. I end up crying for days, but I always patch things up with him.
Yesterday, I thought I should break up with him for good. Instead, I messaged him on Facebook. I suggested “taking a break.” We both could change in the meantime, right? This break is horrible, but I am having trouble moving on completely.
I have no one to turn to and can’t make a firm decision! I guess I always want to balance everything without losing anything! Why can’t I just move on from him? I am so frustrated!
Please help me. M
PS: I found you through your video on YouTube: What Does “Taking a Break” Really Mean?
Hi M,
I am very sorry to say, but it sounds like your relationship has run its course. You have broken up 5 times, and your boyfriend wants YOU to change. You have to ask yourself what keeps you there if he is judgmental, angry & jealous all the time. You might be afraid of being alone. This fear is one of the reasons many people stay in broken relationships.
After almost 3 years together, there shouldn’t be this much drama. There should not be a need for “change” if a couple is truly connected. We all have family issues and other things to manage in life. A partner should be there to help you through some of the obstacles. You should do the same for them.
I am sure you know this from watching the video above. I am not an advocate of “taking breaks”. I think it only heightens insecurities and jealousy. Maybe the reason you go back and forth in this partnership is that you do not have a support system. There are plenty of groups you can connect with online or Meetup groups in your city.
We all go through breakups in our lives, and there are some great resources to help you deal with things. There are many coaches and therapists who will help you deal with this ongoing issue. You have an unhealthy attachment to your boyfriend that has become an on-and-off-again destructive habit.
It would help if you connected with some new friends to get out of this repetitive cycle. Put your focus on something else right now. Living a diverse lifestyle will take you in new directions. This not only enhances your personal growth, but it will also bring some clarity to what you truly want.
When love is “real,” there isn’t a lot of drama, and there aren’t a lot of questions. You love them for who they are. Not for who you want them to be.
