Dear Sybersue,
I found you through your YouTube channel & have been watching many of your videos. They have helped me a lot recently!
I just had a baby I feel crappy and unattractive due to my pregnancy 20 lb weight gain and also because my husband seldom wants to have sex with me. He doesn’t say he isn’t attracted to me but that is how I perceive it.
He says he is tired from working, which I know is just an excuse.
He also has developed a temper and constantly threatens divorce in an argument when he’s mad. He has said many times that my negative feelings are the issue. This just adds more stress to what I already feel.
How can I repair our marriage before it ends?
We do love each other & have had so many good times together but lately, things have really changed with that too! He is also a big spender & wastes a lot of money which I think is part of where his anger is coming from. He is mad at himself!
I am a stay at home mom with no income of my own. I tell him I’m lonely and sad because he works a lot and we don’t spend much time together anymore.
The romance has slowed dramatically which is very hurtful as he used to be so sweet and caring for the 4 years before our baby was born. How do we get past this stage of our lives & is there hope to rekindle our once loving relationship?
Christine
Hi Christine,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can relate to it very much and so can many other women out there.
Having a baby is very stressful on a couple but even more difficult on the mother as she is the one dealing with her body and new hormone changes. (Not to forget being sleep deprived and nursing a little baby constantly.)
The fact that your husband isn’t as interested in sex is not helping and I am sure that plays on your self-esteem even more.
It is not unusual for some men to pull back sexually after watching their wife go through childbirth but it usually subsides over time.
You mentioned your husband said your negative feelings are an issue? Are you talking about these problems all the time whenever you see him? It is very difficult when you are home by yourself all day not talking to anyone & that when he gets home you just want to vent.
Unfortunately, this becomes a repetitive cycle pushing him even further away.
I am not telling you to suppress all your feelings but sometimes we need to talk about the positive things that we are grateful for as well. Yes, he could handle himself better and be more supportive of you, considering you just gave him a beautiful child but he could also be dealing with his own issues due to being a new father.
Is he happy being a dad? Was he ready to be a father or was it a surprise pregnancy? If things weren’t planned with starting a family it could change the dynamics of you as a couple.
It sounds like he does not see his child very often with his work schedule which is not a good thing for the baby or your marriage. He is avoiding things and not helping you out at home, which keeps you feeling stuck and alone.
I think it is coming to the point where you both need counseling, especially with the divorce threats. I’m not an expert but it sounds like you may both be dealing with some postpartum issues. Yes, men can experience them too.
In the meantime here are a few suggestions that may help you right now;
- Get out of the house during the day and mingle with other people every chance you get.
- Plan little outings a few times a week; join some mom’s groups so you can bring your baby.
- Get a babysitter once a week and so something solely for YOU.
- Do you go to a gym or yoga studio? If not, this would be a good time to join one. I used to take my son to the daycare at the facility and have an hour for myself working out & relieving my stress. Looking & feeling good is so therapeutic after having a baby.
- Do your hair, maybe apply a little makeup and get out of your sweatpants when your husband comes home. Remind him why he was attracted to you in the 1st place.
- Do not discuss all the things that are upsetting you every time he comes home from work. Instead of telling him what is making you frustrated, maybe talk to a friend or family member instead for a few weeks & see if you notice any changes.
At the very least Christine, do things that make you happy. Try not to worry about him & his comments at the moment. He has some demons he is working through himself I can assure you of that.
Get yourself out of this slump but don’t rely on him to help you at this time. Get outside & be active! Not only will you get in great shape and feel better about yourself you will find it to be amazing therapy as well. (Sweating releases harmful toxins. and produces endorphins!)
Please let me know what transpires in the next little while OK? Thanks for writing! Wishing you much happiness always.
xo Sybersue
Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Advice Talk Show
