Today I answer Carolyn’s question, Breakup Epiphany: I Miss the Guy I thought He was!
Dear Sybersue,
First of all, I would like to say thank you for the time you invest in all your blogs and videos! I am a subscriber on your website and your YouTube channel! I am hoping you can help me with my questions today as I am feeling very stuck right now!
Here is my situation:
My Boyfriend recently broke up with me because he said he didn’t feel the same way I did. He also said that I’m way too intense and he felt suffocated!
Ugh, that hit me hard!
Now that I have had some time to think about it, I realize that I was actually quite lonely in our relationship. I spent way too much time giving myself to the wrong man who wasn’t ever really interested in me.
Saying that out loud makes me sound more mature than I feel, but to be honest I am having a hard time getting over a guy who wasn’t really who I thought he was. This seems to be a habit with all of my relationships!
I have a lot of questions about my behavior with men
- How do I stop dating guys who I have to keep pushing to get their attention?
- Did I try to make him into a fantasy boyfriend of what I really hoped to have?
- How do I stop prioritizing a guys looks and hot body over his character?
- Why is it so hard to have reciprocated love in my relationships?
- Why am I attracted to the same dating pattern that isn’t working?
- Am I too controlling or needy?
- Why do I always love the wrong men who aren’t interested in a long term partnership?
I know this is a lot to ask from you but I really need to figure my shit out! Thank you so much, Sybersue!
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn,
Thank you so much for subscribing to both my youtube channel and here at Sybersue! <3 I decided to film a segment on your question so please watch the video above as well as reading this post. There are many men and women dealing with a similar scenario such as yours so you are definitely not alone.
The biggest thing we have to figure out is why do you feel you have to push guys to get their attention? You said this has become a pattern with the men you date so I am wondering if there is an internal need for you to feel accepted?
Have you had to fight for love from your family or maybe you had to deal with a very difficult heartbreak in your teens?
We often internalize difficult things at an early age and we don’t always register that there is something deep-rooted that controls our adult behavior.
Dear Sybersue
The fact that you date unavailable or non-committal men, shows me that there may be some underlying obstacles that need to surface and be explored. It could be an abandonment issue or a self-esteem block of not feeling worthy of love. You may need to talk to a therapist to figure out what that is.
There are always two people that play a role in the making and breaking of a relationship. It is ultimately your choice with whom you allow into your life and it sounds like something is stuck in familiar mode rather than in a balanced reality mode. Familiar situations aren’t always a good thing.
It is not unusual for many people to repeat certain choices due to an addictive pattern and often let their gut instincts take a back seat.
Dear Sybersue
I am sure you have heard those nagging voices inside your head when you end up in another similar non-committal relationship, but you choose to ignore them because maybe this time it will work out!
It is no wonder you have so many questions and the biggest one of all is “Why am I doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results?” This is something a lot of us have questioned in our lifetime.
You have taken the first step to healing your relationship issues and that is by owning your part in why these partnerships didn’t work out and taking responsibility to fix these repetitive scenarios that aren’t working for you. You’re not pointing fingers at other people.
In answer to your question, yes, I do think you put this guy on your “fantasy husband checklist” and you tried so hard to make it happen that he got scared off. Men like to have some say in the direction of how the relationship progresses.
They want a little challenge, some mystery, and a woman who has her own life. Most guys do not want a “yes girl” for very long. It can definitely make them feel smothered when someone continually puts them on a pedestal where they can do no wrong. Unfortunately, it can come across as a little needy at times.
If you want more clarity, take a 6-month “time out” from men. When you feel ready to date again be clear and open about what you need to change.
- Go outside the norm of what you would usually do and date men that don’t necessarily fit your fantasy profile.
- If you are using online resources, carefully read the profile description, and watch out for the red flag cheesy lines. Be more selective and literally read between the lines.
- Pay careful attention to their photos! Men who are serious about wanting a relationship are way past the vanity stage of being a poser. They won’t be posting half-naked photos of themselves!
- Listen to what he is really saying and watch his actions! If a guy tells you he is not into a full-time relationship, doesn’t want kids (and you do) is dating other women or takes too long to ask you out, move on right away. He is showing you his true character.
- DO NOT sleep with them until you know there could be a connection outside the bedroom. Sex too soon can be a huge culprit in early emotional attachment. It grips onto your heart and your loins like nothing else!
Take time to get to know him but don’t play games or play hard to get.
The best way to find out if someone is really interested is to let them show you. If you keep taking over the reins right from the start with each new person, how will you know if they want to be there or they are just there because you make it so easy for them to be?
Try not to be so assertive right away.
If you want a reciprocated relationship, two people have to want it and both of you should pursue it. It should progress naturally and there really shouldn’t be a lot of tough questions when things are on the right path. Keep me posted and let me know what transpires in the next while.
Thanks for writing Carolyn
Sybersue xo <3
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