Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

Dear Sybersue,

Things have changed so much in the last few months between my boyfriend and I! He seems to be angry about something but won’t open up completely with me. I am not sure whether he is internalizing a problem and trying to deal with it on his own, or whether he is slowly pulling back from our relationship??

I don’t want to keep harassing him with questions and I am hoping that this is just a moody phase that will fizzle out. His defensiveness is very disturbing as it seems to be the way he reacts to anything I ask him or even with the simplest conversations I have with him!

Is he questioning our relationship and doesn’t have patience with us as a couple anymore? How do I handle this without becoming defensive myself? We live together and I get a little anxious about coming home these days.

Thanks Sybersue

Teri 

Hi Teri,

Yes, things have definitely shifted in your partnership. He is holding onto something that has happened either to himself or within the dynamics of you as a couple. Can you think of anything that transpired a few months ago when his defensive attitude started?

Did you have a situation where the trust in your relationship was tarnished to some degree? A jealous scenario maybe? Is he having trouble at work that he may be hiding from you?

Whatever is going on with him you can’t live this way forever.

He needs to tell you what is he feeling so that you can try to fix the problem together or move on so that you can both be happy. Chalking it up to him being in a moody phase isn’t good because you are taking a back seat to the respect you deserve! You are a couple and it’s not just all about him.

Having to walk on eggshells around your partner is not a healthy environment and will play havoc on your self-esteem! 

I would ask him the tough questions that you may not have asked for fear of hearing something you don’t want to hear. Don’t live in denial!

If there has been a change of heart in your partnership, do you  really want to spend another few years with someone who has removed himself romantically and emotionally from you?

Communication is everything in a relationship and because your boyfriend has shut down, he is pushing you further away with every defensive comment. That isn’t fair to you and he needs to be honest and share what he is thinking and feeling with you as his partner.

Maybe you could suggest a counselor or coach that you could go to as a couple or he might prefer to go on his own for a few sessions first? If he has no interest in repairing or acknowledging this defensive problem, then you will have to make some tough decisions for yourself.

Don’t let someone else’s moods dictate your own happiness, you’re worth more than that. You shouldn’t have to feel anxious in your own home.

Let me know how things go Teri. Please keep me posted!

Sybersue ❤

Please watch the video above for more advice on this question.

Sybersue loves to hear from you & will always reply to your comments! Please leave your thoughts below!

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Love and All That Jazz – Interview Dear Sybersue

Love and All That Jazz – Interview Dear Sybersue

 

Love and all that Jazz – Susan McCord

NAME:  Susan McCord aka Dear SyberSue

GENERATION:  Baby Boomer

SIGN:  Leo

OCCUPATION (S):  Dating /Relationship Coach, Talk Show Host, Published Author, Advice Columnist/Blogger. I also write for many other online platforms such as vocal.media and Mogul. I host a monthly support group for women who are dealing with divorce, self-esteem issues, getting over a long-term relationship, single mothers and getting back out into the dating market again!

LOCATION:  Vancouver, BC

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN YOUR LATTE?  Skim milk with cinnamon

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR STYLE:  

In the fall & winter months I am a jeans/leggings, boots and sweater girl. I collect coats of all shapes and colors! I probably need an intervention! I seem to have a lot of black and white outfits but I am really drawn to anything red or silver grey!

In the spring/summer months, I love to wear off the shoulder feminine blouses with capris or skirts and classy jumpsuits or gowns are my “go to” staple for events or evenings out. I am very social!

I am also a little bit Boho and have a closet full of flowy tops and long sleeveless dresses. I love chunky jewelry, big earrings and anything blingy which includes my phone case! I am not a follower and beat to my own fashion drum. 😉

THREE THINGS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT?

  1. Some form of fitness such as hot yoga, spinning, hiking and weight training! I call this my cheap therapy because it keeps my mind clear for writing, gets me off the computer, keeps my weight somewhat in check and improves my health physically and emotionally. It clears the cobwebs so to speak!
  2. I can’t live without Love! My son and my husband are the loves of my life! I also love animals of all kinds and talk to every dog on the street! I’m actually not kidding.
  3. My colorist! I will be 95 years old and will always make time to go to the salon. What grey hair, it’s natural!

WHO/WHAT ARE YOUR INSPIRATIONS IN LIFE?  

I like that you offered the choice of what and not just who in this question. I didn’t really have a mentor growing up but I learned how to be a strong woman due to being given the role of big sister nurturer & housekeeper at home (5 kids) which basically took over my youth. I moved out at 17 and worked full time at a computer job and part-time at The Keg restaurant to support my rent and shoe fetish!

I guess you could say that Travel was my big inspiration in life.

Ever since I was 13 years old I had decided I wanted to be a flight attendant and made my dream happen at age 21. Flying around the world for 25 years is an education that you just can’t get from a book or classroom setting! You never stop learning! This also helped me understand men and women of all cultures & status in numerous countries. The one thing we all have in common is the need for love.

If I had to choose someone who was an inspiration I would say Betty White and Oprah (yes I know, cliché choice right?) Betty, because she lives life to the fullest, is funnier than anyone I know and hasn’t slowed down at the tender age of 96! Oprah; has she survived a lot of diversity & abuse and has taught so many people how to also overcome these traumatizing obstacles. She’s done a lot for others and gives so many people hope.

I also love George Clooney but that’s just because he’s hot and he’s my hall pass. (Wink wink)

WHEN DID YOU BECOME A DATING/RELATIONSHIP COACH AND WHY?

I have been asked for advice since I was a teenager! Maybe it was due to the mature role & responsibilities I had at home, or maybe I am a bit of an old soul who has been here way too many times?? Ha!

Connecting with others has always been easy for me as I am not a shy woman. I love to talk to people and I love to listen as well. Everyone has a story to share! I started a podcast back in 2004, (yes, way before there were podcasts!) and then eventually started My YouTube show in 2009!

By the time I was 28 I was married, divorced and a single mom of an 18-month-old boy. I had lots to deal with and the learning curve was a very long winding road! I had a lot to share with others going through a similar ordeal.

I have been writing since I was 10 years old so it was a natural progression to write my advice column, my book, and my dating/relationship blog. I have always taken courses over the years and became a certified coach 4 years ago. I enjoy helping people and I have done a lot of pro bono work over the years, but I needed to be able to pay my bills too!

WHAT QUESTIONS DO MOST OF YOUR YOUTUBE VIEWERS & CLIENTS ASK?

I get more questions from men than I do from women which initially surprised me. I guess it is easier for them to ask these private things when there is a computer in front of them and not a real person. It is difficult for some men to open up emotionally and that is the first thing they usually tell me. Here are some popular questions I have received from both men and women:

  1. Why are women so high maintenance? They seem to only be interested in my wallet! How do I meet a quality woman who is into me and not into what kind of car I drive or what I do for a living?
  2. Why has my boyfriend not asked me to marry him after 4 years? Why can’t he commit to me? How much longer do I wait for him? Do I give him an ultimatum?
  3. How can I learn how to talk to women and approach them with confidence? What’s wrong with me and why am I so afraid of rejection?
  4. Why do men only seem interested in one thing? SEX! Why don’t they call or text me after I have sex with them on the first few dates?
  5. How do I get past being cheated on? Will I ever be able to trust anyone?
  6. Why can’t I move on after my divorce or long-term relationship breakup? Will I ever find love again? How do I even begin to start dating again?
  7. I have been texting with this guy for months, why haven’t we met in person yet? Should I hang around?
  8. The girl I was seeing just vanished without any communication and won’t answer my texts. What do I do?

WHAT’S YOUR MAIN ADVICE IN MAINTAINING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER?

  • Always talk to your partner and do not shut them out! It’s called a partnership for a reason because you are supposed to share things with them. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable once in a while.
  • Always make an effort to look good for yourself and your partner. There is no room for complacency in a relationship. You were attracted to each other for a reason; always remember to keep that attraction alive. It only takes a few minutes every day and will add miles to your relationship!
  • Couples who play together stay together. Do fun things with them and change it up often! Grow together not apart.
  • Always have your partners back!
  • Have regular date nights and yes, sex is important! It’s not just for birthdays or special occasions! Keep those fires burning so they come back to your bed and not someone else’s!
  • The little things count! Love notes, sweet texts throughout the day, compliments, undivided attention when they are talking to you or sharing a glass of wine in candlelight.

Susan McCord aka Dear Sybersue

Check out this post and more with Stylist Eleni @ The Style Latte

about-1

Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Talk Show Host, Published Author, Interviewer, Certified Life Coach, Blogger & Advice Columnist.

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Dating Question: Why Did You Break Up With Your Ex?

Dating Question: Why Did You Break Up With Your Ex?

What do you talk about on those first few dates? Is it OK to ask them about their last relationship and why they broke up with their EX? What if that is all they talk about???

I have received this question on my advice column numerous times! What is the proper etiquette when trying to get to know someone? First of all, leave the long checklist at home and let them talk openly without feeling pressured.

This is the time to pay attention to ANY red flags! Are they are ready for a relationship and are they really over their EX?

OK What Should I Be Paying Attention to?

  • How much do they talk about their EX?
  • Are they angry about their past relationship?
  • Are they still sad about the breakup?
  • Are they truly over their EX and talk about being ready for a partnership?
  • Do you feel like you are the rebound person?
  • Is the conversation forced or does it feel easy and natural? Is it reciprocated?
  • How long has it been since their breakup?
  • Do they not want to talk about anything in their past and seem emotionally closed off?
  • Do they still see their Ex as friends and talk about them a lot?
  • Are they talking about their ex but jumping in really fast with you at the same time?

Listen to your intuition! You know in your gut whether someone is being authentic or not.

There are always warning signs but many of us choose to let them slide because we try to give people the benefit of the doubt, or because we desperately want to be in a relationship!

There is a big difference between being too judgmental and being naive about someone!

Really listen to what someone says as you are getting to know them. If they say they’re not ready to be in a relationship, believe them! If they talk constantly about their EX they are NOT over them or available to start anything new with you or anyone else.

Always respect yourself and have some boundaries. Instinctively you know when things are going in the right direction so you shouldn’t have to second guess the situation.

If things are meant to be between the two of you, it will have a natural flow without having to sacrifice yourself in any capacity.

*Sybersue loves to hear what her viewers have to say! Please watch the video above and leave your comments below!

Susan McCord aka Dear Sybersue ❤

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Top 5 Simple Tips for Healthy Relationships (Zoosk Collaboration)

Top 5 Simple Tips for Healthy Relationships (Zoosk Collaboration)

 by 

A happy couple hugging outside because they took these 5 tips for healthy relationships.

Top 5 Simple Tips for Healthy Relationships

5 relationship experts (, , , , ) share their #1 tip for maintaining a healthy relationship. Do any of these surprise you?

Having a successful and healthy relationship takes work, but not the stressful and tedious work you might be thinking. You can have a healthy relationship by following just a handful of simple tips. We asked five relationship experts what their number one tip is when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship.

Here are the top 5 tips for healthy relationships that anyone can follow:  

1. Avoid making assumptions about each other’s feelings, wants, and reactions.
When people know each other for a while, they can sometimes predict how their partner is going to react. However, when couples fall into a pattern of making assumptions about each other too readily, some significant problems may follow, explains licenses psychologist, Dr. Nicoletta C. Skoufalos. “Communication between partners can shut down over time. Partners may stop being curious about each other, and in fact may be making incorrect assumptions about each other that can lead to miscommunications. Additionally, people’s thoughts and experiences or even who they are can change over time. When partners make assumptions about each other they may fail to acknowledge how each has grown over time and this can create distance between them.” Continue to communicate about feelings, don’t hide your reactions, and always express what it is you need from your partner.

2. Focus on the positive traits of your partner.
Instead of focusing on flaws in your partner, which perpetuates negative feelings about the relationship, focus on the positive aspects of your partner. “It’s important to look for any positive qualities that you admire in your partner,” suggests Afton Strate, a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist. “If you have experienced a lot of conflict in your relationship this may pose more of a challenge initially, but I encourage couples to find even small things that they can appreciate about their partner. When you have identified something that you like about your partner (e.g., their patience) it can be helpful to connect the quality with an experience that you’ve had with them. You can also reference qualities that initially attracted you to your partner or an aspect of their character that may have been demonstrated more recently.”

3. Couples who play together stay together, so have regular dates and take an annual vacation together.
Take turns planning weekly romantic date nights or date days. “Hiking, biking, skating or long walks are great things to do. Learn something new together as a couple such as wine making, snow shoeing, a cooking or dance class,” says Susan McCord (aka Dear Sybersue), a relationship coach and advice columnist. Then every couple months, even if it’s just a weekend, get away together. “Getting away from everything once a year is also a great way to stay close to each other. You can remove yourself from the everyday distractions at home and enjoy a fun new environment together. Diversity is the key to a strong relationship because things never get stale. You always have something to look forward to,” she adds.

4. Maintain your individuality.
Each person in a healthy relationship needs to know who they are and what makes them happy. “Many times when people begin a relationship, they try to please the other person and neglect themselves in order to begin the relationship,” explains Dr. Cherry D. Weber, a licensed clinical psychologist. “People ideally begin to develop who they are in childhood and build off this as they mature throughout their life. If both people have a healthy sense of self they can develop a good relationship by bringing their similar qualities as well as their differences to the relationship, and they won’t have one person dominate or overshadow the other.”

5. Choose the right person.
If you really want to know the key to having a healthy relationship, it comes down to who you select to be your partner. “Selecting the right person with whom to build a relationship and share your life is half the battle,” says Elly Klein, a relationship expert and writer. “Yes, you must find them attractive and enjoy their company, but they must also have a good heart, treat you well, and want to be with you. So don’t place all the emphasis on attraction and connection.” The bottom line is that if you’re only just physically attracted to someone and don’t really enjoy spending time with them outside of the bedroom—or if you don’t fully trust, accept, or respect them—the relationship will struggle to be healthy. Find someone else.

Some people will tell you relationships are work, and there’s some truth to that, but it’s also trivializing the matter. Relationships, and fostering healthy relationships, are about more than simply working at it. Your relationships are your life, they are living, evolving things just as you are. And as a result they should grow and change just as you do. As you grow in your relationship, keep in mind these five simple tips. And don’t forget to enjoy the ride.

Susan McCord  @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Check out The Online Dating Site Zoosk! ❤     Ashley Papa at TheDateMix at Zoosk

 

Should You Give Back the Ring After a Broken Engagement?

Should You Give Back the Ring After a Broken Engagement?

In The Video Above Dear Sybersue discusses how to deal with “the ring” situation after an engagement ends!

Do you keep the engagement ring out of spite because your fiance blindsided you with this breakup out of nowhere? Do you sell it? Do you tearfully give it back to your Ex-fiance? Angrily throw it in his face?

Is it a really good thing to hold onto it? Why would you want to look at it and keep reminding yourself of the marriage that never took place? 

If you believe in karma it may not be the best idea to keep the ring just to get back at your Ex for bailing on your partnership.  Maybe the universe was looking out for you and you dodged 10-20 years of an unhappy relationship?

It is never easy when someone walks away from the future you had planned together and the heartbreak can last a long time. This is why it is important to remove the memories that cause the pain. This includes, photos, social media ties, (yes, that means not creeping him out on facebook) and the engagement ring.

When Would It Be OK to Keep the Ring?

  1. If you have been engaged for more than a few years. If you have been wearing this ring for a long time then it is really yours to keep or sell, depending on how the breakup takes place. If it is a mutual decision then you may be OK with wearing the ring on your other hand. You can always make a nice necklace or earrings out of it too! 😉 wink wink.
  2. Your Ex-fiance strongly expresses he doesn’t want the ring back!
  3. Your Ex cowardly disappears after breaking off the engagement and you are not in contact with him.

Has this happened to you and how did you handle it? Sybersue Loves to hear from her viewers & always responds back!

Please leave your comments below this post!

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A Good Laugh 80’s Video Dating Montage

A Good Laugh 80’s Video Dating Montage

Happy Friday Ladies!

Just when you think your dating life is a nightmare you get to see this video on how men in the 80’s put their best attributes forward!

It can only get better from here!

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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