Dear Sybersue – Why am I so Afraid to Date & Be in a Relationship?

Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord (Dear Sybersue) answers a question on her advice column from a woman who is afraid to date.  She has anxiety over being in a committed relationship.  She wants to know why she keeps sabotaging things!

I am pretty sure we have all been here at some point in our lives due to insecurities we have had along the way of trying to find love. Many men and women do not realize that fear is the biggest culprit of relationships not working out.  Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy and create more hardship that need be.  Learning how to relax without huge expectations of ourselves and others, puts us on the road to finding a happy partnership and balance in our world.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers

Why is Dating & Having a Relationship so Damn Hard?

roses of love

Regardless of how much stress is going on around the world, the one topic that still comes up and is regularly discussed is; love, relationships and dating!  (Or “lack of all three” in many cases.)  Finding love is not easy these days with the demise of face to face contact.  People are far too busy to take the time to get out and meet others the old fashioned way.  I even find myself spending a lot of alone time on my computer and have to force myself out during the day so I don’t forget how to use my voice and mingle with real people.  It’s not all about work!

There are many of us that have numerous social media friends that we have never met in person but we talk to on a daily basis. Times have changed and we are more cyber connected than ever! Having a friendship and business connections with a profile photo with no actual physical contact is quite normal. It is quite strange when you think about it!  It’s not unlike the old “pen pal” relationships from our parent’s days, except they were actually written with a pen and paper and mailed out with a stamp! (Those are three words that are slowly becoming obsolete!)

Why are we letting go of the simple pleasures of life and not embracing human connection?

I just started writing for a local website in Kitsilano, Vancouver that is all about connecting the neighborhood together. If everyone did this in their cities it would bring back that lost intimate or friendly association of meeting someone in the flesh. Technology has made us lazy and it is far too easy to have an encounter with our smart phones, iPads, computers & gaming devices than to be rejected in the real world of people.  How sad it that!

Is Fear the big problem here? Why are men and women so unhappy and not “getting out” meeting each other? How can we change that?

Tips for Single Ladies:

The one complaint I hear all the time is there are no men to date! Oh they’re out there ladies! I went to a pub the other night in Vancouver and I was one of the only women there for a good part of the evening ~ with the exception of the two servers. I am also one of the few females on the unisex side of the gym I regularly work out at. I go to a few different coffee shops in the neighborhood where the male customers outnumber the females by 5-1! Often when I go to the driving range at golf courses in the city I am surrounded my men and only a few women. I can’t even count how many guys that were at home depot when I went to buy my husband a power drill for Christmas!  (Hey that’s what he wanted lol!)

There are some great men out there who only need the encouragement of a smile! It’s not a bad thing to be the first to acknowledge “them” ladies. Times have changed and many guys do not know what they are supposed to do anymore. A little nudge is OK girls and it should not be beneath you to reach out once in awhile. Keep your expectations to a minimum and just enjoy a conversation without initial judgment. You don’t have to date every guy you talk to but it shows that you are open and friendly which is a good reputation to have! There are a lot of nice guys out there but if you keep going for the “hot bad boys” or giving up dating due to negative experiences, you will repeat heartache and loneliness forever.

Tips for Single Men:

Where are all the single ladies?  Generally speaking, many women venture out to restaurants with female friends in the evening & walks, yoga/fitness and brunch on the weekends to get out of their homes.  They think that they look desperate if they go to a bar all the time.  They also go to the theater and shopping areas.  It can be difficult to approach them if they are in a group but even just smiling and saying good afternoon/evening can open the door to conversation.

Not all women are materialistic and are out for a man’s wallet.  It’s not difficult to separate the high maintenance girls from the nice girls just by watching their actions for a few minutes.  If you continue to go for “the perfect 10” all the time and get similar non-existent results, it is you that needs to change this pattern.  Why are you attracted to this type of woman anyway and how is it working for you?

Receptive women will be happy to receive a friendly smile from a man at any restaurant, sporting event or function she attends. Don’t let one bad encounter spoil you from meeting someone great. Many guys take that one bad experience and hold onto it, which maintains their constant unavailability with the ladies. Women are not all the same just as men are not all the same.

Both sexes are so quick to point fingers at each other.  Stop it!

Tips for both sexes:

If you do feel rejected once in awhile, don’t give up and let it dictate how you act for the rest of your dating life. It is their loss and will only move you into a better direction anyway. They did you a favor so that you don’t have to waste your time with the wrong person. Try not to sabotage your future happiness because you are afraid to get hurt or to get turned down. Don’t let it tarnish your attitude so that you become another jaded single person! Stand out from the others who do this and “own your part” in why dating might not be working for you at this time. It isn’t always the other persons fault.

Lose those “set rules” you have had in the past and try something new and out of your dating comfort zone. If something isn’t working, repeating it or becoming a hermit is not the answer. You want a partner to share your life with and everyone deserves love. Dating doesn’t have to be so damn hard if you change your thinking and reactions.

People are so defensive these days and quick to become bitter in the dating world. Look at each experience as a stepping stone and treat each date as an education ~ by learning something new each time! Harboring on what didn’t happen or the fact that there wasn’t any chemistry; is no one’s fault. Not taking it personally and staying optimistic, will eventually lead you to that special person.

Attitude is everything.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers

Dear Sybersue: My 18 yr old Girlfriend is Pregnant & Wants Space!

pretty pregnant girl Eve Henry Photography

Eve Henry Photography Vancouver

 

Dear Sybersue,

My wonderful girlfriend and I have been together for an amazing 8 months and have known each other for 4 years.  I am 20, she is 18.  Our relationship was beyond unbreakable.  About 8 weeks ago we find out she is pregnant and we both were very excited at first.  This wasn’t planned but we have faith and we’re definitely ready for that responsibility.

Saying that, we were dealing with everything really well up till about a week ago.  She wants nothing to do with me now, she tells me she loves me but she needs space!  It was all so random, and we went from spending everyday together for hours, to not seeing one another at all because she need space.  I love her more than anything and I want to make her feel loved & let her know I am here, but she won’t see me or communicate with me. I am very worried. What should I do?

Thank you, Jesse

<3

Hi Jesse,
I am so sorry to hear this and I know how heartbreaking this must be for you. The fact that you are both so young makes this pregnancy even harder because of the pressure it puts on you as a couple to make hard life decisions so early in your lives. Emotions fly high when a woman is pregnant and she is probably freaking out about where her life is going right now.  8 months is really not a very long time to decide whether you want to be in a committed relationship.  Now you have the added pressure of a baby to deal with rather than just enjoying each other without having to make forced or hasty decisions.

You are a standup guy who is ready to be there for your girlfriend when many young men would have run the other way.  She may be getting feedback from her family that could have an impact on her choices right now.  I think it is wonderful that you are giving her space at the moment but also letting her know you are there for her. This is something that could help her in the long run because she will always know you didn’t bail on her.

Don’t pressure her as hard as it is for you, but every so often ask her is there is anything you can do for her and tell her you care and want to help her during her pregnancy.  Her life has altered so much and she is trying to figure out what her future holds now.  Everything has changed.  Be selective when you do contact her and don’t pressure her about anything right now. I am not sure what support system she has with her friends or her family but she will need lots of it when the baby arrives!

Hang in there and be patient about her need for alone time at the moment. Hopefully she will come around a little more in the next few months once the initial shock wears off.  Please let me know how you are doing and keep me up to date.  Thanks for taking the time to write.

<3 xo Sybersue

 

 

 

Not Your Average New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

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Ahhh resolution time is here again…damn that went by fast! Last year my biggest goal was to finish my book by July 2014. Much to my own surprise I was able to have it published by June 1st, in an ebook format.  I had many requests for a paperback version from those people who still love the feel of a book in their hands among other things! I finished the paperback version of Dear Sybersue by mid August.  The whole process was quite the learning experience! Holy crap! Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks ?!

Still not feeling the passionate love for yoga but liking the results, I vowed to honor my second resolution to attend more classes in 2014. I did 110 classes total for the year! I’m starting to like it now…well sort of. ;) No just kidding, I don’t like it but it’s good for me in a Kale or wheat grass smoothy kind of way.

Why do we have these silly resolutions at the beginning of every year and shouldn’t we always try to be a better person regardless of what day it is on the calendar? Some people are very motivated in life while others need a good “butt kick” to open themselves up to opportunities, new beginnings or removing negative patterns in their lives. Blah Blah Blah…in other words, time to shape up people!

Setting goals give us all a purpose and “betters” us with a new vision. It also makes us less boring to be around because we have something more interesting to talk about than Netflix. (Wow ! Breaking Bad was quite the show but I loved Suits and House of Cards too! Even Downton Abby & Selfridges caught my attention!)  It doesn’t have to be a huge accomplishment and even little changes can enhance an optimistic outlook that may have been stifled. (or you just felt like being lazy and just wished everyone would just go sing Cumbiah around the fire and leave you in the comfort of your recliner!) Having a goal really does put a spring in your step though, and that can bounce you into some interesting situations ~Hello!

What are my Resolutions this Year?

• Cook at home more rather than go out to eat. Ya right lol! (Kitchen duties are not my thing but I make great reservations!)

• Clean the house more often…nah just kidding! (aren’t Cooking and Cleaning two cities in China anyway?)

• Post two videos a week (OK 1 for sure! Maybe 1 every 2 weeks…)

• Write a weekly blog on my Dear Sybersue Website and the New York Times. (OK I don’t write for the Times )

• Get paid for my blogs! (At least more than $1 per article! WTH is with writers and photographers expected to work for free? Piss off takers!)

• Be nicer to pigeons or buy a cat! (Never let a pigeon lay eggs on your balcony! They are called homing pigeons for a reason!)

• Remove the air horn from my car or put it in the trunk. (Used only for people who turn left at the last minute and pedestrians who ignore the “don’t walk” signs!)

• Try not to yell (as loudly) at people who leave their barking dogs tied up outside restaurants! Especially beside a patio seating area. Really people your dog is not that cute even in its pink frilly bonnet, baby buggy & designer shoes.
• I will throw away anything in my closet that resembles a cougar, leopard or camel (some of you may not get the last animal.)

• I will not drink before Yoga anymore…it makes me dizzy doing downward dog!

• I will drink less wine this year. (Not including red wine.)

• I am only going to hang out with fun people in 2015 ~Debbie and Danny Downers will have the wrath of my air horn!

• Tell my husband and son I love them less than 20 times a day. Keep them guessing…

• Actually ride one of my three bikes this year and not use them as a clothes line anymore.

• Get a boob job, thigh lift, butt implants, bunion removal, mustache & chin hair laser, tummy tuck and facelift. Any money I have left over I will buy shoes.

• Last but not least in any way…I want my own “paid” TV/Radio talk show!

I sincerely hope everyone has an amazing year ahead!  May the world slow down with the need for power and let egos diminish to lighten the heavy load of war. “Good will Toward Man and Peace on Earth” is the best resolution we could all make together this year forward.<3

Happy New Year Everyone!

PS: I promise not to make another Drunk Yoga New Years Video this year or anything that resembles a cooking show! No wonder Gordon Ramsay is such a grumpy prick, it’s a lot of prep to get it right in the kitchen! Namaste!

Susan McCord http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers

Dating Advice: Bring Back the DIARY!

Keeping a Diary

Keeping a Diary

I first started to write when I was 10 years old and haven’t stopped since. As a very confused young girl I didn’t have a mentor or confident that I could go to for help with the numerous questions I had in life. I actually had an old fashioned diary that I wrote my every thought in on a daily /weekly basis. It became my trusted friend that I could vent to without being judged and it allowed me to express my thoughts as honestly as I could. It actually pushed me to discuss things regularly because it became my “safe place” to go.

What are the benefits to writing down your thoughts?

  • You would be surprised how therapeutic it is!
  • It allows you to think about things before you vent them out loud.
  • It prevents you from texting or emailing someone before you have time to analyze a heated situation.
  • Reading over some of your thoughts a few weeks later can add clarity to what you might not have seen at the time.
  • It can show a repetitive pattern in how you handle things especially in your dating life!
  • It may make you aware of things that are really bothering you internally that you are uncomfortable discussing out loud.

We can learn a lot about ourselves by reading over our thoughts that we put down on paper. (There is something calming about holding a pen in your hand and writing the old fashioned way.) After reading my diary again in my early 20’s, I realize how messed up I was as a teenager and how much drama I had allowed into my life! Reading it all again actually helped me grow in a new direction. I was still repeating some emotional mistakes that I clearly saw in my written words 7 years previous! That was a big wake up call.

Your childhood and teen years can really play a huge part in your dating, and future career choices. These are the formative years and the foundation of who we are. This doesn’t mean if you have an unhappy situation that it can’t be corrected with a new change of course, but you have to be able to “see and own” the problem before you can correct it.

Some people think of their diaries as a special friend, even going so far as to name them. Anne Frank called her diary “Kitty.” It became Anne’s personal space where she could always visit. This may sound very sad to most people, but staying in touch with one’s self can keep you sane in times of loneliness. Knowing who “you” really are is a reality not everyone embraces. Loving and appreciating yourself is a maturity that helps a person reach new goals, because they believe in themselves.

Keeping a record of your daily life provides you with a tool with which to reminisce, providing an album of past thoughts, feelings, and life events. In other words a diary or journal can be used not only as a tool for great memories but also as a cure for past hurts. This can help a person to see his or her perspective of those situations as they were being experienced. Self awareness is always a learning process regardless of each approaching birthday. Life lessons are continually put on our path until the day we leave this earth.

Many people do have a Daily Journal but how many actually take the time to write down their personal thoughts? I am surprised how many individuals are open to saying they see a therapist or that they are taking anti-depressants but do not take the time to write out their feelings.

There are Dating Diary Apps that you can buy online which have entries for their photos, date locations, what you wore, first moves and odd or interesting facts. This is probably more for “serial daters” who want to keep track of their numerous conquests so they can keep it in check should they date them again! It may save some embarrassing moments down the road! Not that I am condoning this type of dating behavior. ;)

Marilyn Monroe kept a red diary that was said to have caused some havoc with Robert Kennedy and his “people” due to its contents. A diary is supposed to be personal and it is really nobody’s business but yours. Be careful if you are dating high profile types or someone who is married! (Look what happened to Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss, with all the celebrity client information she had written down for her business!) Today there are more condemning problems with online content than anything written, but it is still wise to keep anything you write about private.

Tuck your diary away for safe reading every few months to see how you have evolved. It is a great keepsake for later years when you want to walk down memory lane. It is amazing how many experiences we forget we had and how important a role some of them played in our future growth. It is never too late to start a diary and never too late to learn who you are. Our thoughts become actions so writing them down and seeing them in print will help you to see what is working and what may need some attention. Whatever the case, it will help you grow into a better you.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers

Human Etiquette ~ People Canceling Last minute!

Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord also known Advice Columnist Dear Sybersue, answers Ryan’s Question on why some people have no respect for his time.
Dear Sybersue,

I need help with this one as it is really driving me crazy!  I am a 30 year old guy who is so tired of people bailing on me last minute because they have something else that just “suddenly” came up!  Sometimes they just don’t show up or they send me a last minute text when I am already on the road to meet them!

What has happened to basic human etiquette? I am very frustrated!

Ryan :)

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers

Dear Sybersue ~ I’ve been in a Long Distance Relationship for 2 years but now My GF Wants a Break

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Dear Sybersue,

I have been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for over two years. She lives about 5 hrs away from me and we do not see each other more than once every two months or so. I am in my last year of college and she has a full time job. The distance was hard but we always made things work out. I loved her but even I sometimes questioned if we should continue to go through with this or not.

When I asked her about how she felt she said she loved me and would do anything to stay with me. A few weeks went by and one day my girlfriend texts me saying that that she wanted to talk to me about something. She gave me a call a few hours later and it turned out that she wanted to break up or “take a break” from things right now. I was caught off guard and confused. I agreed to it because I wanted to make her happy. The next few days I was thinking so often about what happened and texted her back to try to talk to her more about things. She said she needed “space” and “time.” I haven’t text her since and it’s now been over a month.

What do you suggest I do? I love this girl with everything I have. I dream about her and think about her every single day non-stop. I have been trying hard to stay positive and do my own thing but I have always wanted to marry her from day one. She told me that she wanted that too. I don’t understand how one day you can say I love you and the next just stop taking to the person all together. Have I given things enough time? And what should my next move be?

Thank you, Johnny

Hi Johnny,

I am a little confused as in the first few lines you said you did question whether you should keep going through with the relationship with your GF but now she has pulled back and initiated a break, and you are saying you “would” marry her…Sometimes when we are hurting our heart gets tricked into mixed emotions. The fact that she needs space when you only see each other every 2 months is definitely a sign that she may be moving on or is deeply confused about her future with you.

I commend you for not texting or calling her for a month and respecting her wishes as that is not an easy thing to do! I guess really the only thing you can do at this point is to live your life and see what transpires in the next while. Give yourself a time limit on how much space you allow between the two of you. Long distance relationships are very difficult but can work out if both people reciprocate to keep it strong.

Make sure this is something you truly want and not just because she is calling the shots for space in your relationship. Two years together seems like a long commitment but seeing her every two months is really only 12 times in that time period. It is easy to make it exciting and think it is what you want when it is always in a honeymoon stage. Living together may be a whole new thing for you both and maybe she is questioning that right now and something you should also think about.

Thanks for writing & let me know what happens :)

Sybersue xo <3

Continued….

Hey Sybersue,

Thank you for the reply! I will try to clarify what I said in those first few lines.

I do love her but the distance did cause me to wonder what the next step should be.  Because I am in my last year of college and she is working, it caused a greater barrier between us.  Being able to see each other became harder than it was when we first started to date. I wasn’t sure on what to do, I did not want to break up but we both were unhappy with the situation at hand.  So I was honest with her and asked her what she thought we should do.  She told me that she did not want to leave me and that she would do anything to stay with me. So even though I was questioning things it was not because I didn’t want to be with her, I just didn’t know what to do to make things better for us.

Then all of a sudden she said she wanted to take a “break” and it really caught me off guard!

I will say now that we haven’t talked for a month and a half, it has caused me to really think everything over. I can’t change anything that happened but I am trying to figure out what the next step will be. I really do want her back but I know that has to be a two sided thing if it is going to happen. Do you think I should text her and see if she is ready to talk now? My intentions would be to clear things up not to get back together right away. Or should I continue to wait and see if she contacts me? This is what’s holding me back right now.

And I didn’t mention this earlier but we actually did spend 6 months living right by each other when we did an internship at Disney together last fall/winter. It caused us to get very close and showed me that she was the right woman for me to spend my life with. After we left there, things became harder when it came to visiting each other (which i mentioned earlier.)

Thanks so much for writing back. I’ll fill you in what happens, if anything does happen.
Hi Johnny,

Thank you for the clarification , that makes a lot more sense. <3 You sound like such a great guy who is totally respectful of your girlfriend’s wishes right now… but, there are two people involved in this scenario and you want, and deserve some answers. I think 6 weeks is enough time to “call her” (not text) and ask her what her future plans are so you can move on either with her, or without her. It’s not fair to have you sit there waiting while she has her space. She needs to be honest with you now.

The reason I have never been fond of “taking a break” is that it is seldom reciprocated and one person is always left hanging while the other person is in control of what transpires later on. The truth can hurt though, so be prepared that she might have decided on a different outcome than you are hoping for. Tell her everything you have told me and put your heart into it. You can’t force someone to love you but you can definitely go out fighting for what you believe in. At the very least she will know how you truly feel and you can feel good that you did everything possible to keep the relationship alive.

Keep me posted!

Wishing you much love, and happiness always :) Sybersue

Here is the video where Johnny wrote to me with his concerns.