Finding love can be a very difficult situation due to men and women not understanding what they are doing wrong. Here are 15 things to think about next time you are out on a date or thinking about getting back out into the single’s market again. It’s never too late to learn new things about yourself or how to improve your love life!
Letting the Fear of Rejection Stop You from Having a Relationship:
This form of relationship sabotage is the biggest mistake both men and women make when they really like someone! There are many stories of people ending a relationship due to their own insecurities and fears that it will not work out. Unfortunately these people reject themselves first so they aren’t the one getting dumped. The sad part is it may have worked out wonderfully but the fear of actually having a “real” partnership is what scared them off.
You’ve simply kept them from rejecting you by rejecting yourself ~a pattern that needs to be addressed if you want to find a loving partnership.
You get someone’s phone number, and then DON’T call.
The error here is you wanted to call but factors such as being busy and/or being chicken interfered. Then suddenly you realize it’s been so long that if you call now, they may not remember who you are or be upset that you took your time. Never wait over a week to call the first time.
Being too cocky!
Confidence is one thing but being cocky is another. First impressions are very important and are the stepping stones to future dates. Acting too self assured comes across arrogant and is very unattractive for the most part. A date should consist of mutual discussion and no one should dominate at any time.
Putting people on a pedestal.
No one is better than anyone else. If you start out a relationship by putting someone in very high regard it usually isn’t a reciprocated experience. It ends up being a boring setting and very predictable for the person put on the pedestal because they can do no wrong!
Do not talk about how long it has been since you dated or had sex! Don’t ask a million questions about what they do when they are not with you. Texting them continually and being overly eager and available will become a big turn off early on. Clingy people are constantly looking for affirmation within the relationship. They need reassurance all the time which is an insecurity that usually ends up destroying any chance of a committed future with that person.
Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship are the key words here. Needy partners usually end up alone or in repetitive short term situations. (It’s important to have your own life but make space for someone to come in and share it with you.)
Not listening to your GUT when you meet someone!
This is probably the second most common mistake both sexes make when dating someone new. Your gut knows a lot more than your heart and your loins do. Safety should always come first above any lustful needs and your gut instincts will never let you down. You just have to listen to them and not ignore their nagging persistence. (Yes, this is the one time where nagging is OK.)
Your first 3 dates should consist of communication by talking. Get to know each other without sexual distractions.
Going to the Movies or watching TV is not a good choice on the first few dates. The mistake here is that you may end a potentially great relationship because you didn’t take the time to get to know each other. Asking questions or finding out each others interests is what dating is all about.
Introducing sex too early before you know each other can end up being a big mistake. There was no romance or excitement leading up to the first time because it happened too fast! This can lead to disappointment because it is purely a sexual release without those magical feelings that make it powerful. It can work out in some cases but generally it is better to wait a little while before you jump into bed with someone. You really don’t know if they are all that safe early on or if they have some characteristics that are not healthy.
Spending too much time together too soon! (Keep the mystery alive by taking time between each date to miss them.)
Jumping in to anything too fast is not a good idea. People need time to connect and see if there are commonalities and reciprocated interests for a long term partnership. Anything too fast usually ends just as fast. Appreciate the time you spend together but take baby steps not a full blown leap!
Try not to plan things too far in advance before you have both agreed you are exclusive with each other.
Just because you think you have found “the girl/guy of your dreams” doesn’t mean you should be presumptuous and think that you are both on the same page! Be aware of those people who are inviting you to a family reunion at the summer cottage after two dates, planning a vacation with you right away or discussing moving in together before you have even found out where they live!
Meeting all their friends on the 1st few dates
This can be a pattern with some people. They do this early on as they looking for approval from their friends and to see if you are a good fit in this group. It can feel very flattering in the beginning that they want to share you with the important people in their life, but if it happens too soon it is a red flag. You need to get to know them before anyone else enters the picture. They may want it too quickly because all their friends are in a committed relationship and they feel lonely or left out. None the less, it can feel a bit like a “trophy showing” too early.
This strategy is used for a couple of reasons. The first is to protect one’s ego. When it comes to dating; everyone fears rejection on some level. Playing it cool and not getting too involved may make you feel safe, but you risk coming across as aloof or removed and may turn the other person off. Balancing your interest in them and maintaining your composure is the best way to handle it.
Another reason people play games is to get something they want that they wouldn’t likely get if they played it straight up. Unfortunately this usually backfires and most game players are back out in the singles market repeatedly! You will get further and end up happier if you allow yourself to be genuine. It’s OK to put your best foot forward cautiously but have the courage to be upfront and show who you really are.
Fantasizing about the future:
When you catch yourself trying on his last name before the third date or picturing her as the mother of your children, it’s time to remind yourself to slow down. In the first 3-6 months of a relationship, you are likely running on oxytocin, which is a chemical found in chocolate. It creates a euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This can interfere with your ability to think clearly.
Obsessing over relationship details:
This one is common with those who worry about every little thing that is happening in the relationship. They worry about what the other person said and worry about what they meant by it, they worry about how they reacted, worry about the relationship not working out, worrying about what if it does work out and on and on. Relax and enjoy it as it unfolds without looking for things to obsess over. This is another form of sabotage.
Ignoring obvious red flags:
If someone doesn’t show up when you’re supposed to meet them, doesn’t call for 2 weeks, talks constantly about their ex, say they are not ready for a relationship, they don’t want children but you do… these are red flags. Many people overlook these warning signs because they are so eager to be in a relationship. Paying attention to these situations and removing yourself early from this partnership, will bring you closer to finding someone who is there for the right reasons.
Interrogating your date: The lab coat and clip board routine.
“How many children do you want and why are you single & never been married?” These are not great opening sentences on a date! You want to show interest by asking about their likes or dislikes but not press someone for information as if you were on a job interview. Make sure the conversation is always reciprocated and not clinical.
*One Last Bonus Number:
Not being honest about your needs and sacrificing too much to be in the relationship:
No one will respect you if you allow yourself to be a doormat! Valuing yourself enough to put your needs on the table as well as the other person’s is the key to establishing balance and harmony. A healthy relationship is one between two equals, both giving and receiving in a reciprocal fashion.
Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers
Dear Sybersue Questions @ http://www.sybersue.com