Advice for Men & Women ~ Why Do People Give Ultimatums in a Relationship?

ultimatum photo of womenRelationship ultimatums- Why do people do this?

Why are there so many people in forced relationships today?  Is it the fear of being alone? Are men & women settling into a partnership because it is the best scenario for that moment or they got coerced into it?  Sharing your life with someone you love can be a difficult commitment but living with someone you just “like,” will erupt over time due to boredom. Compatibility & chemistry are needed tools to keep a relationship fresh & alive!  Of course friendship is a big necessity as well but the other two components need to be there to keep the sex & love nurtured and forever blossoming.

Generally speaking, there seems to be a maximum “two year deadline” for women who want a marriage commitment from their partner. Ultimatums are a common discussion at this time of the relationship. Most men do not respond well to this & view it as a threat which ultimately it is. It backs them into a corner that they are not really ready to discuss, otherwise they would have already.

“Marry me or I am leaving.” Women that resort to this scare tactic have not been paying attention to the relationship’s red flags. If she has to have this conversation with her man, there is a problem that she has not noticed or is deliberately ignoring. Relationships that are on the right path do not need to be pushed into commitments as they naturally flow to that place all on their own.  It is a natural and reciprocated progression.

( I know some of you are thinking that there are some men who give women ultimatums as well and you’re right, but it’s just not quite as often.)

Occasionally (and I use the word lightly) an ultimatum can work for some people because they might need a wake up call! They may have been a little afraid of the next step of moving in together, an engagement or fearful of a more committed phase in the relationship due to past history or a divorce situation. They also could have just been very comfortable & happy where they were in the partnership and didn’t want to change anything.  By bullying someone into marriage or house hunting when they are not ready usually leads to the demise of the relationship out of resentment later on.

If you feel the need to have to say something to them to kick start the conversation, choose your words carefully and say it only once to them. Don’t repeat it over and over again.  Ask them what their future plans are? Do they see themselves with you long term? Do they want a family with you? Really listen to what they have to say and then make your decision on whether to stay in the relationship or move on to find love with someone who is ready for the same things you are.  Don’t wait for 2 years to ask those important questions. You should know you are on the same path within the first 6-9 months in your partnership.

10 Red Flags to Watch for with Commitment Phobic Partners:

  1. They go out 3 or more nights a week without you.
  2. Plan most of their vacations with friends & exclude you!
  3. Talk about buying a place alone.
  4. Do not open up with you on an emotional level or share many of their thoughts.
  5. They have many friends and family in the same city you have never met.
  6. After a year together, they still say “I” instead of “we.”
  7. No mention of plans for the future as a couple or make excuses about having a career deadline and need to focus on that first before making any other major commitments!
  8. They talk about moving to another city or big travel plans that do not include you.
  9. There is very little romance and the sex is robotic.
  10. They seldom tell you they love you!

Being aware of your part in the relationship & how it is progressing should not be overlooked. Mutual love & support should be naturally occurring as the partnership grows. If it is stagnant & predictable early on, the chances of a happy future with this person will probably not happen. Deciding to ignore the signs is limiting your happiness and cheating you out of a wonderful future with someone more compatible.

After 6 months, the (right or wrong) signs are usually laid out and obvious in the relationship to those who are paying attention. We date for a reason; to find out if two people fit together & can ultimately have a loving future together as a couple. Being aware and listening to your inner self will help you make wise & fulfilling choices towards meeting that wonderful partner you can’t wait to spend your life growing old with. When it’s right you don’t need to use ultimatums.

Susan McCord

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