My Ex Boyfriend Still Blames me for our Breakup 3 Years Later!
Today on Dear Sybersue Sherry writes to me about her situation and having to deal with the aftermath of her Ex-boyfriend’s wrath about how she dumped him over 3 years ago.
Dear Sybersue,
I have a problem that has been really bothering me. My Ex-boyfriend still blames me for our breakup, and it has been 3 years! He’s so angry and will tell anyone who will listen that I broke his heart and blatantly dumped him.
I ended things after 2 years because he didn’t want to get married, and he knew that was a priority and extremely important to me. It was discussed very early on in our relationship, and he seemed to be on board with it at the time. He certainly never objected.
Why is he being so hurtful, and why can’t he move on? It is keeping us both stuck in an unhealthy place. Thank you for any advice you have on this, Sherry
Dear Sherry,
It sounds like he is not dealing well with the rejection and his ego has taken a big bruising. It’s never easy being the one that was “dumped” and can take a lot longer to get over a breakup when it wasn’t his decision. He may also be upset that he made a huge mistake not marrying you but for some reason, he doesn’t want that type of commitment.
This can make him feel stuck; he misses you, but he’s very hurt and upset that you left him.
He needs to understand that when you told him marriage was important, it was also a deal-breaker for you if he wasn’t interested in taking things to that level. You discussed this in the early stage of your relationship, and he didn’t object to it at the time. The problem with this is, he didn’t say it was something he also wanted in his future.
It is one thing to be open about your dreams and desires in a partnership, but you also need to listen to what your partner says or doesn’t say as well. Saying nothing can be a very big statement, especially in this case. He may have thought that things were great and would just continue on the way they were going in your partnership. This can be a common issue in some relationships when there aren’t any further discussions regarding marriage plans after the initial conversation.
His anger for this past 3 years and not being able to move on from your relationship may come from being in denial about what he thinks transpired. It is one thing not to want to commit to a marriage, but it’s important to know why that is. He may have “some emotional baggage” from a past relationship or his early years at home that is keeping him from wanting more in his relationships.
It is not OK that he is repetitively tarnishing your name, and because it has been going on for this long, shows that he should be talking to a therapist about it. That is not your responsibility to point out, of course, but it would certainly help him get some closure that he didn’t feel he received when you broke up 3 years ago.
If you feel comfortable enough to do so, I would suggest that you ask him to meet you for a coffee and a talk about what is going on. (Or maybe he would be willing to just chat on the phone if it makes you nervous to be around him in person.)
You could also ask a mutual friend to talk to him and try to get him to open up about why he is not letting go of his anger. I am sure that most people do not want to hear his negative berating about you and might be happy to help you out with this. They don’t want to see their friend stuck in this place anymore than you do.
He feels that he was blindsided by your decision, even though he knew 5 years prior that a marriage commitment was your priority. He may have more clarity when you gently talk with him about the role he played in why things didn’t work out between you as a couple. He could be more angry at himself for losing you, due to the part he played in the demise of your partnership. Some people find it easier to blame their partner during a breakup rather than take ownership of their actions.
At the very least, it may help him to move on so that he can eventually feel good about being in another relationship down the road. I am sure he is having some trust issues, which may be lessened when he finally accepts his part in the reason why you two broke up.
We don’t always know that we have some unresolved issues we haven’t dealt with that are causing us to sabotage our personal happiness.
Be proud of yourself for knowing what you want and not hanging around in a situation where you weren’t on the same page with your partner. Many people will hang in there hoping things will eventually change, and then 10 years go by and nothing has. It is time to get this situation rectified so that your ex-boyfriend can start to grasp the reality of why you’re not together, and you can both get your life back into a positive place.
Thanks for writing me here Sherry and I hope things work out great for you! Please watch the video above.
Sybersue xo <3
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