DATING TIPS: Get Out of the Box!!

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Have you been dating for what seems like forever and you keep running into the same problems? Is your ideal of Mr./Mrs. Right backfiring all the time? Are you now in a rush to find a partner because all of your friends are in relationships, your biological clock is ticking like a time bomb or your Mama is nagging at you to hurry up and give her grandchildren??

Do you regret some of the decisions from your past dating experiences? Why don’t you take a step back and look at the people you may have thought were wrong in the past. Maybe you were too picky and overlooked some future potential! In other words, Mr./Mrs. Wrong could have ended up being Mr./Mrs. Right!

It just might be time to start looking outside the box or pattern you have created for yourself.

Have men & women become so shallow that their potential mate has to fall into the category of a hot millionaire Ferrari driving male with six pack Abs or a perfect size 2 female model with a DD rack? Come on let’s get real! How long do you really think anyone can maintain these perfect looks for anyway? The window is probably 10-15 years!

A relationship should not be viewed as an aging car that is always ready for a new trade in model.

There is always a price to pay when you put looks and money as the top priority. (As Dr. Phil says, when you marry for money you earn every penny!)

Things to think about to help you realize you need to change up your dating pattern:

  1. Are you choosing someone who is married or in a relationship because they are unavailable? Could it be that you are actually commitment phobic or afraid of rejection and looking for a reason not to be in a long term relationship?
  2. Are you adamant about not dating someone who has been married or has children because you want to be the first & only? If you are over 35 you may need to change this thinking! Don’t turf everyone who has been married or has a child from a previous marriage. Some kids are really wonderful and can add a new dimension to your life that you never dreamed of. At least check it out before you blacklist every potential suitor that has children.
  3. Be careful of dating someone who is recently separated as you could end up being the guinea pig or stepping stone before they are in a healthier place emotionally.
  4. Beware of the new lover who comes in with all guns a blazing! “In fast/ out fast” is usually the case with these types. We are all suckers for romance but if it seems to be too good to be true, too fast? IT IS!
  5. Do you know what you are looking for or do you “think” you do? Do you only have one type? Will you only date people with specific astrology signs where your moons are aligned, or do they have to have a certain professional status? Will you only date one ethnic background or age group?
  6. Have you become a serial dater jumping from one relationship to the next like it’s a part time job?
  7. Are you always hanging out at the same old places, with the same single friends and stuck in a routine?

I called this post “getting out of the box” because so many men & women do not have a clue how repetitive and particular they are when it comes to their dating tactics.  Philip Goldberg has a book called: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY.  I love that title!  This book helps self-defeating habits that keep you from finding a relationship and other aspects of life that you are missing out on.

It could be your fear of being alone or fear of abandonment/rejection making you choose wrong partners! More often than not our childhood experiences play a huge role in our choices as an adult.

10 Transitional Steps to Help Get You Out of the Box:

  • You may not even realize that you have low self esteem or an insecurity that holds you back from finding a loving partnership. Try something different that makes you feel refreshingly alive and good about yourself. Little achievements are great mood boosters!
  • Get rid of cards, letters and memories of your past relationships out of your view so you can start fresh without being reminded of them. Constantly reminiscing about something that didn’t work out will not help you move forward.
  • Do something that is out of your comfort zone. Take a pole dancing or kick boxing class, join a hiking club, start a blog or write a book!
  • Try a different dating technique that you may have been opposed to before. Sign up for an online dating site or app or go on a blind date “set up” from a friend that you may have been avoiding. Speed dating can be interesting too!
  • Have a dinner party with single friends you haven’t seen for a while. Invite a 50/50 ratio of men to women and only upbeat people are allowed! No Debbie Downers or jaded heart-breakers!
  • Book a Singles Club Med Holiday and have a vacation fling! Choose someone you would never normally go for. It easier to “get out of the box” when you are not being judged in your own hometown.
  • Date someone completely out of your usual chemistry zone. Try being friends first, with no sex for a few months. Quite often sex too soon can be the demise of a potential relationship due to emotional expectations that may not be reciprocated.
  • Do not say anything negative about the opposite sex for 4 weeks! Go on I dare you!
  • Say hello to a complete stranger every single day and smile at everyone you come in contact with wherever your day takes you.
  • Put the same posted note in 5 places in your home that you frequent the most on a daily basis. In less than 5 lines, write down what you really want in a partner and ask for it out loud every time you see the note.

Start talking in a positive tone about relationships and people in general. The more optimistic your outlook is, the more attractive you will become to others. If your past dating and relationship experiences end up in the same scenario over and over again then it is time to change things up.

People tend to talk loudly about the things that aren’t working in their lives but seldom praise the good things that are happening for them. Count your blessings and honor them every day. Just by doing that simple step it will remind you of the wonderful things that you do have going for you.

Happiness is contagious and will bring more of the same towards you if practiced repetitively. No one will be able to resist your charms! ❤

Susan McCord        The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

A Big Dating Problem:Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Want to Get Caught!

Today Dear Sybersue (Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord) discusses The Dating Chase! Why do so many men and women date people that aren’t interested in them?

Why do we have an attraction to what we can’t have in life? Why do we want this type of challenge in a relationship and is it worth it? It is difficult enough to meet someone that you have things in common with and that you are also attracted to; but add a whole lot of complication into the mix and you end up spending so much wasted time with the wrong people!

Have you ever asked yourself why you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Is the challenge of winning them over more important to you than actually having a reciprocated loving relationship? Is the game or the hunt all that you are really interested in?

Do you think that maybe your EGO is just a little bit bigger than your happiness?

What happens if your charm ends up getting you what you want? Do you really want this person in the end once the chase is finally over, or will you get bored and move on to your next conquest? It’s not just your life that you are playing with here. As much fun as you may be having with the challenge of getting their attention, it is not really a fair scenario to put them in.

Susan McCord @ http://www.sybersue.com
http://www.facebook.com/DearSybersue

How to Deal with Dating Insecurities & Inhibitions!

Stamps Landing Vancouver 2011

Get Out & Mingle to Remove Insecurities and Inhibitions

Dating Insecurities & Inhibitions!

Dating Insecurities is not the same thing as dating inhibitions but both scenarios will cause havoc in your love life if practiced on a regular basis.  Inhibitions can just be lack of experimentation or fear of the unknown.  Insecurities can be a lot stronger where help may be needed from a therapist to change a deep rooted problem.

What are some of the more common insecurities within our relationships?

  • Body Image is #1!
  • Intellect ~ are we smart enough for them and afraid of saying the wrong things?
  • Their career is intimidating ~they are more successful.
  • Asking yourself or them why they are with you ~ you don’t feel worthy.
  • They more outgoing than you. You feel overlooked and invisible in a group.
  • They are very attractive to the opposite sex!
  • They have a very strong sex drive & you worry they will wander.

On a sexual level if you have had only a few partners in your lifetime, you may feel intimidated with how to make yourself sexier due to your inexperience. There may be a fear of how to initiate something or communicate with your partner between the sheets. This is very common & can be addressed easily if you are with the right partner who cares about you. There will be an openness that encourages you as a couple to experiment comfortably because you are not judging each other.

On the flip side; if the only people you have slept with constantly tell you that you need to lose weight or criticize you in the bedroom, this will not only make you feel insecure, it will inhibit you from wanting to be a better lover.  A little encouragement goes a long way and if you are continually brow beaten into submission, you are not going to feel confident enough to bring out the tiger that lurks beneath.

There is making love and then there is sex; and with the right partner it can be mind blowing & life altering! How many times have you talked to your friends about what a good lover someone was, when really it was mostly about how they made you “feel” during that time? It wasn’t all about the happy ending but what happened in between that made you feel special. There was romance and a gentleness that allowed you to reciprocate the same back to your partner because they made you feel safe which allows the walls to come down.

Humans excel when they are complimented or rewarded with simple acknowledgement. Being a controlling person may get you want you want initially but after awhile it will be the demise of your relationship. Many of our choices are a reflection of how our life started in the early stages of our youth. Some of us chose a parent figure as a guideline or role model to mold ourselves after which can either be a good thing or bad thing. It is a visual behavior or pattern that many people fall into. If you spent much of your younger years being berated by your family or by bullies at school, your self esteem will play a huge part in who you become as an adult. The sooner we understand this the faster we will be able to change our beliefs and confidence levels.

What do we need to do to gain more confidence & lose our inhibitions that have plagued our growth & desires for too long?

Most of us are more comfortable with the “devil we know” as opposed to the one we don’t, so we continue to live in our childhood sandbox rather than venture outside to a new dimension. We are creatures of habit and are not overly comfortable in a completely new environment; so we repeatedly choose relationships that keep us from growing.  Therefore our inhibitions continue to “own” us.

Inhibitions are one of the reasons online dating has become so popular. It is easy to hide behind a computer & try to get to know someone through E-mails and text messages. It is not as intimidating as the initial face to face contact & there is much less personal rejection because they haven’t actually met them yet.  The problem with this type of dating is that you can take your time on the compute, unlike the bar situation where you only have a short time to take action before they leave. Unfortunately though the biggest complaint about dating sites/apps is that many people never actually end up meeting in person and spend way too much time texting without ever making a date.

Alcohol “liquid courage”is probably the most popular inhibition release there is. (I swear liquor stores would go out of business if people were as confident without it! How many people do you know that have got up to sing karaoke sober?) Social environments are popular when the booze is flowing generously, but at the end of the evening it may just be another story for the dating diary when you either add another booty call to the list, or hand out your number to someone who never ends up calling. It is always best to connect with people on a sober level regardless of how shy or insecure you may feel.  Practice makes perfect! The more you put yourself out there the more comfortable you will become with face to face connections.

If you feel overwhelmed by your inhibitions & insecurities observe the people you have allowed in your life.

  • Are your friendships healthy and reciprocated?
  • Are your family and friends genuinely interested in your happiness?
  • Is your job rewarding or deflating?
  • Are they encouraging or do they try to squash you and your achievements?
  • Do they offer assistance and support when things aren’t going well in your life?

Remember, inhibitions have to start somewhere. The more we alleviate negative behavior from our lives the more we will become comfortable to let down our guard to be more of who we actually are before the walls went up! We don’t start out frightened or afraid to try things, which is why many toddlers need to be watched carefully at early stages of their lives. They will try anything!  We become more inhibited and insecure as our lives unfold; especially if we have constant aversion.

The more you do something a little out of character, the more you get over your inhibitions.  Get out of your comfort zone as often as you can.  Do something daily that you would not normally do.  Experiment with strangers by talking with them, saying hello, or smiling.  Talk with “trusted” friends or family about your insecurities or inhibitions. It is also good to talk to a professional counselor as they will be nonjudgmental and it might make you open up even more.  By discussing these private subjects, it will enable you to learn how to actually deal with them because you are now aware of them.  They will be supportive & offer suggestions to help you get past it & make your life more rewarding.  Do the same for them as well.

Remember; we “all” have something we are insecure about & could use guidance on.  No one is immune to that.

Susan McCord ❤ Please Follow & Subscribe @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show  http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

How To Survive Being The Last Single Girl In Your Crew  Post  (by Andrea Wesley The Bolde.com)

How To Survive Being The Last Single Girl In Your Crew Post (by Andrea Wesley The Bolde.com)

Photo Credit: WeHeartIt TheBolde.com

Photo Credit:
WeHeartIt at TheBolde.com

This guest post is written by Andrea Wesley from The Bolde! She is one of my talk show co-hosts who has been in my life for over 5 years now. Although Andrea and I are from two different generations we have spent many afternoons discussing dating and relationship topics to no end! Regardless of what birthday you are approaching there is always something to talk about when it comes to love or lack of it! Some of us take longer roads to get there but there is always something to learn and appreciate along the way. Andrea and I both write blogs because of it so that is a bonus to the relationship drama we have both endured over the years.

This post says it all and gives great insight on how to deal with being single when all your friends are in relationships! It is a great read. ❤ Love you Miss Andrea! ❤

How To Survive Being The Last Single Girl In Your Crew Post by Andrea Wesley

The older we get, the more the people around us are settling down and starting lives and families of their own. When you’re the last single girl standing among your group of friends, it can start to feel like you have less and less in common. There was a good chunk of my past few single years where I felt extremely bitter and resentful, or that I was that flawed and tragic friend who never had a date to the party and couldn’t relate to those conversations pertaining to the ups and downs people were experiencing in their loving relationships. As it turns out, being the last one standing without a partner isn’t a bad thing at all, but there’s a particular survival method to get to that place of being completely content with being the last single girl in your crew.

1. Live vicariously through your friends and learn from them. You’d be amazed what you can learn from your friends and what they go through in their relationships. They’ll tell you all the good things you have to look forward to, and also the realities of the struggles of being in a partnership. When you’ve been single for a while, you might start to forget about the compromises that come with being part of a duo. Being the outsider looking in gives you a new perspective on relationships and helps you to recreate the image of what you want for yourself one day, when the lucky guy finally arrives to your single girl party.

Please Click this Link to See More of This Post by Andrea —–>: http://www.thebolde.com/survive-last-single-girl-crew/#sthash.poUSfbTP.dpuf

About The Author

ANDREA WESLEY

Andrea is a 30 year old freelance writer living in the suburbs of Vancouver, Canada. By day, she’s a kale eating, gym going office professional and by night she’s a wine drinking, Netflix loving pizza eater. She also writes a personal blog about her humorous dating adventures and even though she hasn’t found “the one” yet, she keeps entertained by her friends, family and crazy ginger tabby, Jagger.

Susan McCord AKA Dear Sybersue  and also Check Out  Susan’s Talk Show 

Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong People & How do I Change this Dating Pattern?

Dear Sybersue is a Funny & Informative Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Advice Talk Show for Men & Women of all Ages! Canadian Talk Show Host Susan McCord discusses The question: Why do I keep Attracting The Wrong People and How do I Change this Dating pattern?

How often do you hear people say how frustrated they are with trying to meet someone and that they have basically given up on the whole dating thing? It takes two people to be in a relationship and two people to make it work. This means that each person is responsible for “their part” in the whole process in the building of a future partnership.

It’s not always the other person’s fault when a relationship fizzles or has trouble getting past the first few dates; but most of us like to think it is, so we don’t have to take any ownership of another failed scenario. Some people really do not see or understand that they are in a repetitive pattern going around and round in circles. They just keep getting annoyed that things never work out for them in the love department. They start to make excuses about why things aren’t working and even become jaded in some cases. There are a lot of sad, hurt and lonely single men and women that could fix this situation if they just took the time to think about how they may be contributing to this problem.

Watch this video to see how to get the Love you want in your life!

Susan McCord @ http/www.facebook.com/Dating RelationshipTalkShow

Dating Advice: 4 Big Questions From Men about Women!

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This is a conversation that I have with men all over the world.  It doesn’t matter what age they are the questions are the same.

  1. How do we know when a woman is interested when you first meet them?
  2. Why are men & women so different?
  3. What should men know about women?
  4. What is she thinking?

How Do You Know When A Woman Is Interested When You First Meet Them?

She makes eye contact! If she locks eyes with you across the room for more than 3-5 seconds she has noticed you. Her body language is flirty and fun. She may appear a little shy and fidget with her hair or her food/drink. She smiles but may look away often out of nervousness because she is attracted to you!

What do you do?

Go over and say hi if you are interested. Acknowledge her. Don’t turn away and ignore her or she will move on.  She may not be there for long so don’t waste your opportunity while it is there.

Be the initiator if she smiles back. Many women are nervous around someone they are attracted to. (It’s always harder to talk to people you have a crush on regardless of which sex you are.)

If you introduce yourself to her with a handshake, do not do it in a gentle or wimpy way.  Women love your masculinity.  A strong handshake with eye contact is usually an indication of a confident man.

Don’t wait 2 hours to talk with woman you have been eyeing from across the room. It shows a lack of assertiveness or strength. Men worry too much about rejection and lose many great opportunities from fear of “what if she isn’t interested in me?” She doesn’t know you yet so don’t worry if things don’t pan out in the initial conversation. That’s OK, if it’s not a great connection. You tried and that is a good thing.

Why Are Men & Women So Different?

Men have fairly simple needs while women can be a little more complicated. We are definitely more emotional and quite often have different expectations than men when it comes to matters of the heart. This is especially true where our family & home are concerned. (Women were given the reproductive organs for a reason due to our nurturing nature & mama bear tendencies to protect our loved ones.)

Our hormones can interfere with our moods at different times of the month or different stages in our lives such as, pregnancy, during a menstrual cycle or during later years in menopause. It is not easy for women to have to go through all these constant scenarios & many men do not know how to deal with the onset of these hormonal changes. Life is much more rewarding for the man who takes the time to understand the complications of the female anatomy and work with it rather than against it. Women do not want to be complicated, believe me!

Men like to problem solve alone while women like to share theirs. Many men also think about sex more often than women do and are more visual.  Women are usually less visual when it comes to physical attraction towards men and a sense of humor will win her attention in a big way. (Women will never forget an argument or anything a man says for the most part. Sorry guys 😦

They love shoes! (Don’t even try to understand this.)

What Are Some Things That Men Should Know About Women?

  • When getting to know someone you like, don’t leave more than 2-3 days to call them after a date. They want to know you are interested and that they are on your mind. Calling a week or two later doesn’t make a woman feel special. In fact; a man that takes the time to call or email that same evening or the following day will be held in high esteem. Why play the waiting game if you are interested? (Remind yourself of the one that got away because you didn’t act fast enough. We all have one of those in our lives!)
  • When women ask how your weekend or day was, they really appreciate it when you want to confide them. They want you to feel secure that you can tell them the good & bad details. Women like to help; men like to fix things.
  • Try not to cancel plans at the last minute but if you have to, immediately set up a time to make it up to her. You have ruined her evening so apologize & put something on the calendar in the next few days that make her understand that you feel bad and respect her time.
  • Women really like to receive a note, playful text, birthday/special occasion greeting card or a small thoughtful gift for no reason. (Cards mean a lot more to women than men realize ~ we keep them forever!)  It is the little efforts men make that women remember forever & brag about to their girlfriends.
  • Notice her hair cut or when she wears a new outfit for you. The more enthusiasm you show her, she will become bolder & sexier. You will be reaping the benefits & probably have a better sex life too! Women love to be adored by their man. It gives them confidence in all areas but especially the bedroom!
  • When out on a date, do not constantly look around the room. If you are ADHD or easily distracted, pick a seat where you are staring at a wall and not the comings and goings around you. Make her feel like she is the center of your world even if it is only for one night.  Attentiveness is an aphrodisiac!
  • No groping or too much PDA on the first few dates. It can come across needy, desperate or lecherous. Female attraction towards you is based on many of your behaviors.
  • Some women do like NICE guys but not submissive ones. There is a difference!
  • Women like a little mystery, confidence, romance & a sense humor. Use them all!

What Is She Thinking?

If a woman is quieter than normal and her body language is stiff or removed from you, ask her what is bothering her. Women feel weak when they are overly emotional. Once she feels she can talk to you & that you are listening, she will then start to open up. Women need to talk when something is disturbing them; don’t ignore it for long or it may escalate into something bigger down the road. Show her you care.

A woman continually gives hints about things she likes & enjoys. Observing & listening to her is one of the best things a man can do. It stops a lot the guessing game in the early stages because it shows he is interested in what makes her happy. It is also easier to make plans for dates ahead.

Some women can be dramatically emotional & high maintenance. Be aware of how much this happens & how long it continues to monopolize the relationship. We all have our moods but when it becomes a daily occurrence, it is an unhealthy place to be for both of you.

The Bottom Line For Both Sexes:

Do not lose a wonderful opportunity to meet an amazing person by not taking a chance in saying hello to someone you are attracted to or give up too soon because you can’t be bothered.  Dating doesn’t have to be a complex situation; it can be fun & very rewarding.

Don’t make quick judgment calls without giving people a chance. We all have our insecurities & no one is immune to being a little shy or awkward when they first meet someone. Go out and talk to each other & make assumptions after meeting them, not before.

Both sexes have their quirks and differences but that is a good thing. If we were all alike and understood every little thing about each other it would eventually become repetitive and boring. Embrace the differences each sex brings to the table and enjoy it!

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

Finding Love: 10 Tips to Help Change Your Dating Patterns

Finding Love: 10 Tips to Help Change Your Dating Patterns

Two Hearts Become One

Two Hearts Become One

I have have received quite a few  emails from men writing my advice column lately with the same dating question. It seems that many men are perturbed with women & their mixed signals. The women seem to be very interested in the beginning but then start to act disinterested or start playing hard to get by being unavailable or too busy!  There has been 8 men corresponding with me regularly from different parts of the world asking me to help them figure out why their dating life is such a problem. They are meeting women online for the most part but two of them are in toxic relationships with women they met through a friend’s introduction.

The common scenario and why these men are all having a similar dating problem is because they are choosing very high maintenance women who have a sense of entitlement attitude. They are so attracted to their physical appearance that they can’t see anything else.  So how’s that working for them?  It’s not!!  I have to say though, they have all been very receptive to my colorful comments and I am impressed at how open they are when I give them honest feedback. They were really listening and trying to get past this shallow place of choosing women strictly for their beauty. They admitted it was like an addiction and hard not to repeat the same scenario.

Without going into detail about their personal issues here are a few of the things the men have shared with me about their experiences with the women they have dated.

  • The women walk all over the men and take advantage of their nice guy persona.
  • Their expectations are way over the top with regards to the men paying for everything.
  • The women are evasive about seeing them again or setting up a future date, but seem really interested!
  • They act hot and cold. One day they are super affection the next day they are almost dismissive.
  • Use sex as a manipulating tool!

So what is the problem here and isn’t this the same thing that women complain about with regards to dating men?

Both men & women want the same things but they don’t often realize that. It is very interesting how alike we are when it comes to love. Here are some of the checklist priorities that you should adhere too when dating someone.

Advice To Both Sexes:

  1. Always leave a little bit of mystery about who you are. You don’t need to put your heart, body & soul on the table with every potential partner on the first few dates. Being too accommodating and overly available can be a big turn off in the early stages!
  2. Do not ever put yourself as number two (taking a backseat to another person etc. If they are too busy or still getting out of a past relationship, move on.)
  3. Respect their time;  being late or canceling last minute is rude and should not be tolerated!
  4. Do not lead anyone on if you are not interested in them. Seeing someone because you do not want to be alone is selfish and insecure.
  5. Putting yourself out there too early sexually can send out a different signal than you may want. Sex changes expectations.
  6. Watch how picky your checklist is! Would you want to meet someone with your outrageous demands?”
  7. Go out on at least 2 dates before you make your decision. Many people are shy, nervous or reserved when first meeting someone. Give them a chance!
  8. Being too clingy or overly affectionate is a sign of control or insecurity, so be careful how touchy/feely you are in the beginning. Don’t bombard them with texts either!!
  9. Both sexes should offer to pay or at least contribute every few dates. Women should not assume it is always the man’s duty. And guys…don’t complain about high maintenance women if you keep choosing them. They aren’t hiding anything so it is your choice to be there. Go with it or get out but don’t paint all women with the same brush.
  10. If something is uncomfortable or bothering either sex during the date, it should be discussed & not left to fester. Communication is the key to a good relationship.

It is very important to always respect yourself first. How you act on those first few dates is setting a precedent on how things will be expected each time you see them. If you try too hard, come across needy or you are willing to pull out your wallet at every given chance; you are setting yourself up for a repetitive dating pattern. Own your part in why things are not working out the way you would like and  things will start to change for you and your dating life. If you are constantly exasperated with either meeting the wrong people or not dating at all, there is something within yourself that you are doing to sabotage your happiness.  It is never too late to change what isn’t working and find the love you deserve. ❤

Susan McCord @ Dear Sybersue Talk Show  http://www.youtube.com/tc/susanmccord