Today I answer Christina’s concerns. My Husband Prefers Being With His Ex and Their Child Than Being With Me & Our Son.
Dear Sybersue,
My husband has been spending a lot of time over at his Ex’s house with their 7-year-old daughter. We have a child together too but it seems like he would rather be there than with us. This has been going on for about 8 months but recently my husband has been with his Ex for longer periods of time. He claims his daughter needs him more right now as she is having some problems at school.
We have been together for 4 years and our son Dylan is 3 years old. He always got along OK (on the surface) with his ex-wife but now it seems like they are on much better terms! He seldom brings his daughter to our house and I feel he is making up excuses to go there and NOT just to see her!
Am I being petty worrying about this? After all, he married me right? But what should I do? Dylan is definitely missing his dad as he is being extra clingy with me right now.
I haven’t said too much to my husband about my concerns as I don’t want to come across as the jealous and controlling wife. My instincts are telling me that something is wrong and I am trying to listen to them but at the same time I am f*cking scared that he is having second thoughts about our marriage.
Despite how busy I can be with work and our son, we are regularly intimate with each other. I will admit though, that he now seems a little distracted at those times. He’s definitely not as passionate as he was a year ago!
Along with the changes in our love-making, I am feeling very insecure and frustrated that my husband seems to prioritize time with this Ex over his son and I. How do I handle this scenario? Why would my husband do this? Is he having second thoughts about his EX and their child?
Is there a way to compromise and blend our two families and save our relationship?
Dear Christina,
Yes, you are right to question things with how your husband is prioritizing visits with his EX right now. You are listening to your instincts which is a good thing because being in denial is much worse than dealing with the realness of a situation.
It is not easy to be part of a blended family but it does work really well when all the parents communicate openly. You need to talk all the time and not shut each other out or change the course of what is already discussed and set in place for the children and your Ex partners.
There has to be boundaries that everyone adheres to!
You didn’t mention whether you have spent much time with his daughter in the past?
- Do you do things as a foursome with the kids and encourage regular time together?
- Are you close to your husband’s daughter and is she welcome in your home without any confrontation?
- How do you and the Ex-wife interact?
- Just how busy is your schedule? Could that be a problem within your partnership?
When you answer those questions honestly, do you think there could be something you could change and compromise with that would make things better at home?
Let’s give your husband the benefit of the doubt for a minute.
The fact that you are still romantic with each other is a good thing and means your husband hasn’t checked out of the relationship yet. Its time to have a little chat though, to find out what he is thinking and why he isn’t bringing his daughter to your place.
Being silent with him is just going to eat you alive because your mind will play all sorts of tricks on you and increase your insecurities!
Can you offer to be more involved with his daughter’s school events and activities? She really could be going through some tough stuff and there is a valid reason why he is spending more time there. Would you be OK attending birthdays and other special occasions with his Ex also in attendance?
This could make things easier so your husband doesn’t have to keep going over there without you. Offering to be more involved could be a big gesture to show your husband you care.
If he still persists on seeing his Ex all the time then you will have your answer that something is likely going on with them. You will have to ask the tough questions and figure out where you want to go from there.
If he is having renewed feelings for her he needs to be honest with you! It’s not fair on you or your child to be in this “backseat” type of scenario.
Sybersue xo <3
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