Today on Dear Sybersue I discuss Mark’s question: My Girlfriend Says She Loves Me but Rejected My Marriage Proposal!
My GF and I have been together for 2 years. I proposed to her two weeks ago. She said she loves me very much, but isn’t ready to get married right now. We are both 28 years old. Am I wasting my time staying with her? Shouldn’t she know by now if I am the one she wants to commit to?
We get along really well, so I am a little shocked by her answer! I don’t want to give her an ultimatum, but I’m not sure how to handle things moving forward. What do you think?
Thank you, Mark.
I appreciate your question, as I know there are other people out there to whom this has happened to. This is definitely not a one-size fits all answer, as only you know how invested your girlfriend is in your partnership.
Many men and women are getting married a little later these days, so she may just really feel that she is not ready to take this big step until some things in her life are more stable. She did say she didn’t want to get married right now, but it is very important to know if she has plans to marry you in the near future.
Did you both have the marriage discussion previously before you decided to propose?
If you have never talked extensively about your future together, your girlfriend may have been very surprised when you proposed to her. Many women are ready to get engaged/married after the 2-year mark in their relationship, but the fact that you are both only 28 years old, she may have felt that you both weren’t quite ready to take things to the next level.
It’s all about communication when you decide to be in a committed partnership. It’s not just a given that you will automatically become a married couple. Some people are happy living together without the formalities of a wedding and all that goes with that. The important thing in any relationship is not to assume anything. You have to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner in a reciprocated manner, so there are no shocking or blindsiding scenarios that take place.
It is extremely difficult not to take things personally when your partner says no to your marriage proposal.
Many people would end things then and there due to the rejection they feel. “You don’t need to tell me twice!” Of course, a lot has to do with what was actually said during the proposal. Your girlfriend said she loves you very much, but she’s not ready right now. Did you feel that she was sincere and loving with how she relayed her answer to you?
Could there something else going on that you may not be aware of? Does she have a fear of commitment due to past relationship drama or maybe there are some lingering childhood issues? Is she emotionally available with you or does she often have trouble expressing her feelings?
Before you walk away from your relationship, I would suggest you sit her down and ask her to be very honest with her thoughts.
Ask the tough questions! You deserve to know why she said “no” and why she spent two years with you in a great relationship. Find out if she is interested in ever getting married to you, or is she just postponing the inevitable that she is not invested in committing to you in this way? Listen to her closely and watch her body language. Actions speak very loudly most of the time, so pay attention.
Did she ever tell you that marriage is not important to her during your early days together? Not everyone wants to get married these days, and if she ever told you marriage isn’t a priority, you may have subconsciously chose to ignore those important words. (Or you thought maybe she would change her mind down the road?)
We often hear what we want to hear in our relationships and omit the necessary words that end up causing us heartbreak down the road. When we are newly in love with someone, we tend to bury some of those red flags that are there to warn us.
I am happy to hear you are not going to give her an Ultimatum.
Giving someone you love an ultimatum never feels very good after the fact. You want to know that your girlfriend is with you because she truly loves you and not because she feels forced into making a decision. After you have your discussion with her about what she wants moving forward in your relationship, you then can make your choice on whether you stay in your partnership or move on in a different direction.
You also have the engagement ring expense to deal with and I would advise that you return it if possible or sell it. Even if you were to marry your girlfriend at a later date down the road, this ring will never feel right when you see it on her finger. It will always be a reminder of the rejection you felt after proposing to her.
The fact that you haven’t walked away from her yet tells me that you are weighing everything out and trying to see if there is something between you both that may be worth salvaging. As a little more time goes by and you are having a hard time trusting your girlfriend’s true intentions, you will have your answer that you just aren’t on the same future path.
I personally think it is a good thing to hear her out and not just run in the opposite direction. This way you won’t ever have to wonder if you should have taken a little more time to have clarity on what really transpired between you both.
Thanks for writing Mark, please let me know how things work out for you in the coming months.
Sybersue xo <3