How Do I Get Close to a Girl who Just Got Dumped By Her Boyfriend?

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Quora Question:

The Girl I Like (and have for more than 1.5 years) got dumped by her boyfriend a week ago. When would it be appropriate to try to get closer to her?

I am aware if the fact that she is obviously heavily affected by the ordeal, and thus I don’t want to do anything that may do more harm than good, for her especially. It should also be mentioned that we know each other from university, and I’ve gone out for coffee with her a few times.

Dear Sybersue’s Answer:

Continue to be her friend but don’t be aggressively available. You don’t want her to start relying on you to help her through her heartbreak on a daily basis because If there is a chance for romance between the two of you down the road, you need her to see you that way and not as her buddy.

You also don’t want to be a “short term rebound” if she becomes lonely and ends up being intimate with you when she is not ready for a new relationship. This can make her run quickly in the opposite direction as she is still dealing with the emotional aftermath of her breakup. Don’t be a guinea pig on the path to her heart healing. You want to stand out in a different way!

Give her a few months to deal with her sadness and then be honest with how you feel about her. You have already liked her for 18 months and if there is a chance for you as a couple, you need to tell her. You don’t need to spend another year waiting for her to notice you.

Put it out there and maybe she also feels something for you too but doesn’t think you are interested in her romantically.

Don’t let her be the one that got away. ❤

Link to Original Question on Quora

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

 

Dear Sybersue ~ My Girlfriend’s Sarcastic Sense of Humor is Ruining our Relationship!

Dear Sybersue ~ My Girlfriend’s Sarcastic Sense of Humor is Ruining our Relationship!

Heart of Eternity

Heart of Eternity

Dear Sybersue,

I hope you can help me with this and I appreciate you being totally honest with how you respond. My girlfriend of 5 years is a beautiful 32 year old woman but she is very unhappy in her job as a waitress. (On the opposite end of the spectrum I love my job as a firefighter!) We live together and were inseparable for the first 3 years.  She has always been a little sarcastic and I used to think it was funny & meant in a lighthearted way. Now I feel she is using her “so called humor” at my expense & I do not find it humorous in the least!  It is very derogatory. She has a few girlfriends that she treats the same way and I have noticed they are coming around less & less. I have told her how I feel but she just can’t seem to help herself and is still sarcastic on a daily basis. I am almost ready to leave our relationship but I still love her and had planned on marrying her!

What do you suggest?

Almost Done Daniel

ANSWER

Hi Daniel,

I am so glad you wrote! I am not a fan of sarcasm and never have been. It has a very small place in the world of communication but occasionally there can be some funny one liners & needed comebacks. For the most part though, it is a nasty way of verbalizing what someone really wants to say in a negative way, especially in a relationship! They think if they add humor it will lose the real intent of their feelings. Continual sarcasm is used by people who are insecure for the most part. It makes them feel better by shutting someone else down in a “playful” way. The problem is, it isn’t playful after the second & third time it is repeated.

You mentioned your girlfriend is not happy in her job, which is probably where her insecurity stems from. She is mad at herself for not changing her life & takes it out on you by using these sarcastic jabs. You on the other hand, have a heroic job where many women put you on a pedestal. This just adds fuel to her insecurities & she unknowingly sabotages your relationship. She is jealous of your life because she feels inferior to you and your accomplishments. She needs a wake up call before she loses you completely.

If you truly love her & want to salvage this partnership, these five things need to be addressed:

1) She needs to leave her job ~ which means you will have to be by her side supporting her emotionally & mentally while she goes to school or learns a new career. ( She may need a little help financially if she has to take less work shifts to do this.)

2) Communicate to her how this sarcasm has to stop or you will leave the house every time she uses it. It is not to be tolerated and she needs to realize how often it is happening. (No confrontation, just remove yourself from the situation.) If she doesn’t try to make any changes at all then you may have to leave the house for good with your suitcase in hand.

3) Make sure you are giving her positive feedback on a regular basis as this will contribute to her feeling less insecure as well. She may need some counselling if this problem is rooted deeper than just changing her job. There could be some childhood self-esteem insecurities that she hasn’t dealt with.

4) Remember; It’s not your job to FIX her but be supportive while she is making these changes to her life. Give yourself a time limit of how long you are willing to be there and make sure she is really sincere on working things out in your relationship. You have been there for 5 years and if she is not serious about you as a couple you need to move on.

5) She needs to apologize to you and her friends that have walked away & tell you all that she is dealing with her issues. She must own her part in the demise of your relationship and these fizzling friendships, which is the biggest part of any type of therapy.

Making these alterations should put you on your way to a stronger & healthier relationship. Good for you for caring and taking the time and the effort to make things better at home. So many people would just walk out & not even try to understand how to correct it. Your girlfriend may just need a little understanding and some professional coaching to change her ways. At the very least you have done all that you can do to make it work out for your partnership which shows how much you love her Daniel. Hopefully she sees what a great guy she has and changes her ways. ❤

Keep me posted!

Sybersue

Dear Sybersue Talk Show @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

Dear Sybersue ~ I’ve been in a Long Distance Relationship for 2 years but now My GF Wants a Break

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Dear Sybersue,

I have been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for over two years. She lives about 5 hrs away from me and we do not see each other more than once every two months or so. I am in my last year of college and she has a full time job. The distance was hard but we always made things work out. I loved her but even I sometimes questioned if we should continue to go through with this or not.

When I asked her about how she felt she said she loved me and would do anything to stay with me. A few weeks went by and one day my girlfriend texts me saying that that she wanted to talk to me about something. She gave me a call a few hours later and it turned out that she wanted to “take a break” from things right now. I was caught off guard and confused. I agreed to it because I wanted to make her happy. The next few days I was thinking so often about what happened and texted her back to try to talk to her more about things. She said she needed “space” and “time.” I haven’t text her since and it’s now been over a month.

What do you suggest I do? I love this girl with everything I have. I dream about her and think about her every single day non-stop. I have been trying hard to stay positive and do my own thing but I have always wanted to marry her from day one. She told me that she wanted that too. I don’t understand how one day you can say I love you and the next just stop talking to the person altogether. Have I given things enough time? What should my next move be?

Thank you, Johnny

Hi Johnny,

I am a little confused as in the first few lines you said you did question whether you should keep going through with the relationship with your GF but now she has pulled back and initiated a break, and you are saying you “would” marry her…Sometimes when we are hurting our heart gets tricked into mixed emotions. The fact that she needs space when you only see each other every 2 months is definitely a sign that she may be moving on or is deeply confused about her future with you.

I commend you for not texting or calling her for a month and respecting her wishes as that is not an easy thing to do! I guess really the only thing you can do at this point is to live your life and see what transpires in the next while. Give yourself a time limit on how much space you allow between the two of you. Long distance relationships are very difficult but can work out if both people reciprocate to keep it strong.

Make sure this is something you truly want and not just because she is calling the shots for space in your relationship. Two years together seems like a long commitment but seeing her every two months is really only 12 times in that time period. It is easy to make it exciting and think it is what you want when it is always in a honeymoon stage. Living together may be a whole new thing for you both and maybe she is questioning that right now and something you should also think about.

Thanks for writing & let me know what happens 🙂

Sybersue xo

Continued….

Hey Sybersue,

Thank you for the reply! I will try to clarify what I said in those first few lines.

I do love her but the distance did cause me to wonder what the next step should be.  Because I am in my last year of college and she is working, it caused a greater barrier between us.  Being able to see each other became harder than it was when we first started to date. I wasn’t sure on what to do, I did not want to break up but we both were unhappy with the situation at hand.  So I was honest with her and asked her what she thought we should do.  She told me that she did not want to leave me and that she would do anything to stay with me. So even though I was questioning things it was not because I didn’t want to be with her, I just didn’t know what to do to make things better for us.

Then all of a sudden she said she wanted to take a “break” and it really caught me off guard!

I will say now that we haven’t talked for a month and a half, it has caused me to really think everything over. I can’t change anything that happened but I am trying to figure out what the next step will be. I really do want her back but I know that has to be a two sided thing if it is going to happen. Do you think I should text her and see if she is ready to talk now? My intentions would be to clear things up, not to get back together right away. Or should I continue to wait and see if she contacts me? This is what’s holding me back right now.

And I didn’t mention this earlier but we actually did spend 6 months living right by each other when we did an internship at Disney together last fall/winter. It caused us to get very close and showed me that she was the right woman for me to spend my life with. After we left there, things became harder when it came to visiting each other (which i mentioned earlier.)

Thanks so much for writing back. I’ll fill you in what happens, if anything does happen. 

Johnny

Hi Johnny,

Thank you for the clarification , that makes a lot more sense.  You sound like such a great guy who is totally respectful of your girlfriend’s wishes right now but, there are two people involved in this scenario and you want and deserve some answers. I think 6 weeks is enough time to “call her” (not text) and ask her what her future plans are so you can move on either with her, or without her. It’s not fair to have you sit there waiting while she has her space. She needs to be honest with you now.

The reason I have never been fond of “taking a break” is that it is seldom reciprocated and one person is always left hanging while the other person is in control of what transpires later on. The truth can hurt though, so be prepared that she might have decided on a different outcome than you are hoping for. Tell her everything you have told me and put your heart into it. You can’t force someone to love you but you can definitely go out fighting for what you believe in. At the very least she will know how you truly feel and you can feel good that you did everything possible to keep the relationship alive.

Keep me posted!

Wishing you much love, and happiness always 🙂 Sybersue

Here is the video where Johnny wrote to me with his concerns.

Dear Sybersue: My Girlfriend Wants to Come Back After a Break but She’s Still Seeing Another Guy!

 

Dating & Relationship Advice Column for men and women.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1FP-d8ecB0

Dear Sybersue:

My Girlfriend and I took a break and now she wants back into our relationship but is still seeing another guy occasionally! She says they are just friends but often meets him late at night! Part of me wants to just walk away from her but I did agree to “the break” and all that goes with one. I still love her but I am not sure if she is really sincere with wanting to come back or maybe she just hasn’t met anyone better?

What should I do?

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers