Welcome to Dear Sybersue. Today, I discuss the topic: Dealing With Your Partner’s Affair With Your Best Friend!
Dealing with cheating in a relationship is devastating, but when it happens with your partner and your best friend, it is the worst kind of betrayal. How do you learn to ever trust someone again when the two people you loved and trusted with all of your heart had a full-blown affair behind your back??
This can also cause you to question your other friend’s loyalty as well. “Who knew about this? Someone must have heard or seen something!” This is happening right now on the reality show Vanderpump Rules with Ariana and Tom Sandoval, which is even more difficult to deal with when you are a public figure. (Shania Twain knows all too well how that feels when her husband cheated on her with their good friend.)
If you are really not happy in your relationship anymore, give your partner some dignity and leave the partnership before you break their heart by having a humiliating affair. Stringing your partner along pretending you are sincerely invested in them is not only deceitful, it is very selfish. Add an affair with their best friend into the mix, and now they have a bubbling brew of disloyalty to content with!
Once the trust is tarnished to this degree, it can take years to feel whole and give your heart to someone again.
Infidelity in a relationship is one of the most difficult things to get over and can leave deep scars that never quite heal. This is something that can play havoc with your self-esteem and keep you from finding the love that you deserve, moving forward. This can also promote jealousy and insecurities in your other relationships to follow. Being blindsided by your partner and your best friend cheating on you is damaging beyond your control. It changes you forever.
I understand that sometimes you just can’t help who you fall in love with but allowing things to spark up with your partner’s best friend is the absolute worst thing you can do to them. You have the choice to keep your distance from this friend, or to immerse yourself into an irreparable scandal. Cheating is a choice not an unconscious mistake!
Everyone will handle an affair differently, and some people may even give their cheating partner another chance by staying in the relationship.
There are a lot of issues that go along with making this tough decision to stay with a partner who cheated on you with your best friend, and it certainly isn’t an easy path to venture out on. Forgiveness can be a long, winding road that never leaves you feeling very secure when you were blatantly lied to in this manner.
I would suggest you seek some counseling to help you deal with how to move forward and reestablish a connection with your partner. Of course, you will have to disassociate with your best friend if you want to ever be able to trust your partner again. (Although I really doubt that will be too difficult a decision to contend with.) Please make sure you are giving your partner another chance for the right reasons and not just because your ego and self-worth need some reassurance. Your self-respect should be a first priority here.
- Are they truly sorry for what they put you through?
- Have they owned their part in this betrayal, and given you confidence that they are committed to making it up to you?
- Have they openly discussed why this happened in the first place?
- Was your relationship in trouble before the affair started?
- Were your instincts warning you that something was off in your partnership? Did you choose to ignore that things had shifted between you both?
- How long were they cheating on you?
I personally don’t think I could forgive my partner in a scenario like this because trust is #1 priority when I choose to be exclusive with someone I love. There is no gray area and if they have fallen out of love with me, I would appreciate them letting me go with class and honesty. Coping with a single indiscretion is one thing to deal with, but knowing your partner was deceiving you for months or years, is a whole other form of betrayal.
Communicating with your partner and nurturing your love as a couple is the most important part of sustaining the longevity of a wonderful relationship.
Relationships are a lot of work, but well worth the maintenance involved in keeping each other happy. When things start to shift in a partnership, it is a couple’s job to pay attention and repair any damage that may be taking place early on. Taking each other for granted and turning a blind eye to changes in a partnership is one of the biggest reasons some relationships don’t make it.
Sit down face to face and share your thoughts on a regular basis. You always want to be privy to what your partner is feeling and vice versa. Don’t be that couple that sit across from each other in a restaurant, not saying a word to each other. You should always have lots to talk about and have a great friendship with one another. It is just as important to like your partner as well as love them.
There is usually a reason why your relationship took this drastic turn, but it isn’t always obvious when it first transpires. It may take a year or two to comprehend why this affair happened. Your partner may have checked out a while before, but it was subtle, so you didn’t really notice at the time. There are also some people are just really good at hiding things and can fake their way through anything.
When the dynamics change within a partnership, it is always wise to stay focused on what’s going on. It could be a new job, a change in their appearance, weight loss, a new gym routine or hanging out with new friends. These are all things to pay attention to early on. If you are seeing them less or feeling left behind while they are pursuing new goals, it can be a red flag they are moving in another direction.
How do you initially handle the horrible truth when you find out about their affair?
- I would suggest asking them to leave the home you share together. You have enough to contend with after learning this devastating news! The last thing you should have to do is worry about finding accommodations when your heart is shattered.
- If you have children together, ask for help from family while you’re dealing with your grief.
- Allow people to be there for you but remove yourself from any friends that you feel could be part of the problem or who knew what was going on behind your back.
- Take time to grieve and deal with your emotions, but please be careful not to regularly lash out in anger.
- Talk to a counselor to help you through the tough few months that lie ahead.
- Remove things in your home that remind you of happier moments with your partner. Holding on to all those great memories will keep you stuck for much longer.
- Keep texts, screenshots or emails while dealing with your partner that you may need for legal purposes down the road.
Once the trust in a relationship is tarnished to this degree, the love you once felt for your partner tends to dissipate as the months go by. Life lessons don’t always make sense at the time but know in your heart that you are meant for greater things to come. You deserve better, and you will see how true that is soon enough.