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5 Steps to Help You Get Out of The Lonely Single Mom Rut

Dear Sybersue Youtube

Dear Sybersue,

I am a single Mom who has been divorced for 8 years. I am writing because I am really missing being in a relationship and also miss the lack of affection from a man. My son is 13 years old and I have raised him by myself for most of those 8 years. His father has limited contact due to living in another country which gives me 90% access time with my son! How do I alter things so that I can eventually have love in my life again one day?

I am starting to forget what sex and romance are, and I do not want to become a bitter and sad woman that repels men away due to my attitude. At this point, I would be happy if I just had a companion to share things with just to help me get into a better mindset.

I work 4 days per week from 9:00 – 3:00 pm and the rest of the time I spend with my son getting him to all his sports and school events.  How do I meet someone to even have a conversation with when there are very few hours left in the day for me to socialize?

I am really feeling alone these days and just would like to be able to have the option to meet someone. It doesn’t have to be a full-on serious relationship but I would like to eventually be monogamous with one guy.

Can you please offer me some advice on what I can do here to change up my life?

Thank you so much, Laura

Hi Laura,

I can totally relate to your question as I had a similar situation while raising my son as a single mom. There is definitely something to be said for having a little time to yourself when your child goes to see the other parent. We all need to re-energize without always having to be “on” as a mom and our children also need a break from us as well. 

I feel your frustration here. Who has time to date and look for love when you are playing both mom & dad 24/7?  I am sure this is where the “Friends with Benefits” scenario was derived from due to the uncomplicated nature of having a partner with very few strings or expectations attached.

The first thing you have to figure out is how much free space you can make for yourself each week.

It is so important to have some personal time for yourself. Your child also needs to have time away from mom and it is essential for him to see that your life doesn’t only revolve around him. (His future wife will thank you for this! Mama’s boys can be difficult to have a relationship with!) You want to always show love towards your son but also teach him how not to be too dependent solely on you.

It will also make him worry less about you because he can see that you are happier getting out and enjoying yourself outside your daily mom role. Kids are way smarter and emotionally connected more than we give them credit for and they take on a lot of guilt when their parents aren’t doing well.

In some cases, they end up taking over the role of the parent and abandoning their own childhood to make things better at home. This is not a good thing as they need to be able to have a warm and loving childhood free of always having to be the responsible one.

Here are a few things that you can implement into your life to help you feel less lonely

5 Steps that you can help you get out of the lonely single Mom Rut:
1. Set a “play date” for yourself each week.

Do something just for you. If your son has baseball, hockey practice, a birthday party, a school field trip, or another activity a few days per week, arrange it to take place in that time frame. (Obviously, you would want to be there during a game or any important event, so you would set those times aside accordingly.)

You do have one day off from work each week which allows you to plan out something different to do for a few hours while your son is at school. Please refrain from spending the day doing household chores! Make those few hours for you outside your home.

If you haven’t joined a gym I would suggest you do so as exercise not only offers amazing stress relief, but it is also a great social environment to meet new people. Implementing any outside activity into your weekly life is motivational, even something as simple as a walk in your neighborhood park or a local hiking trail is beneficial to your physical and mental well-being.

2. Carpool

Work out something with another single mother by taking turns carpooling or having their child over for a few hours in the evening. This will give both of you a night free to go on a date or to have a girl’s night. Don’t be afraid to ask your family for support as well.

If people offer to help you out in any way, open your arms in gratitude and accept their kindness. As single moms, we often take everything on by ourselves because we don’t want to burden others with our problems. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you are feeling overwhelmed. You are not doing your son any favors if you are depressed or overly stressed.

3. Be sociable and open to dating.

Show the world how fun you are! I understand the frustration of starting all over again. Ugh! It’s hard to feel sexy when you have so much to prioritize at home. We all have some tough stuff to deal with but the trick is to have diversity and balance in our lives. Never stop evolving to a higher level of who you can be. That is the key.

Be open to your friends if they want you to set you up with someone. That is a pretty good way to meet a guy and you can find out a bit about who he is from someone who knows him fairly well. When you are ready to go on a date, make plans to meet them outside your home. Do not allow them to pick you up. Always take your own car or call an uber. You don’t know them well yet so you always need to be safe.

You might really enjoy their company but you may not be sure you are interested in having a permanent relationship with them. This is natural to feel this way, so your son should not be meeting anyone until you have an established connection with them. Don’t share too much with your son about your dating experiences, this is your private time. He does not need to know everything. 😉

4. Manifest your desires by believing in yourself.

Confidence is a very attractive attribute that makes people want to be around you! If you are having trouble meeting men, I suggest you practice opening up and chatting with people you come in contact with on a daily basis. That could be at your son’s school, sporting events, your local coffee shop, or the grocery store you frequent.

Talk to a close friend who may know some single guys or join a “meet up group” that has regular get-togethers you could attend. If you decide to go online to date please do your research very carefully! I suggest you get some help from someone who has experience in this. Hiring a dating coach for a few sessions is not expensive and can help guide you in the right direction.

Change your thinking! If your regular thought process has been something like this: “I will never meet anyone,” alter it to: “I am open and ready to meet my special person.” We hear all the time about the power of positive thinking and I promise you it really does bring more great things towards you when you practice this.

When you are grateful for what you have and you are thankful for even the smallest things in your life, it brings more wonderful things into your world. Give it a try and you will see how much happier your life will start to feel. Ask the Universe for guidance.

5. Get out of the house!

This is the most important step of all. You need to change up your surroundings on a regular basis. Meeting new people (men and women) is always a great way to keep your life diverse as a single parent. It keeps you from getting stuck in your “mom routine” and adds a new dimension that allows others to see the whole person that you really are. You are not just someone’s mom.

I understand how scary it can be to put yourself out there again especially after 8 years. Your son is doing well and has you to thank for that but he is getting older now. You don’t want to become an empty nester who has nothing going on in your life because your son is no longer there. What are you saving yourself for? Is your Ex abstaining from enjoying intimacy in his life? I think not! 

So often women think that they don’t deserve to have love in their life after a divorce. That is so wrong! We all deserve love and just because it didn’t work out once, doesn’t mean we are doomed from finding a more suitable partner. No one said relationships were easy and sometimes it can take a while to feel that deep connection again.

It definitely took me some time. I remarried for the second time at 50 years old, 22 years after my ex-husband and I split up! (I did date during those 22 years, I just wasn’t ready to commit to marriage before then.)

If you own your part in why things ended with your ex and learn the lessons you were supposed to learn, then it will be so much easier to move forward. Staying stuck in the past does not let you live your best life. It holds you back from being truly happy.

Life doesn’t end after a divorce. Get yourself out there and meet a great guy with whom you can eventually have a reciprocated romantic partnership. Be smart with who you let into your life, set some boundaries, be safe and make sure you listen to your instincts when you feel any doubts at all!

Wipe off the cobwebs, get out socially and put that spring back in your step. You deserve to be happy. <3

Sybersue xo

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