My Ex and I Broke Up Because He Didn’t Want to Get Married. 1 year later, he’s engaged!
Today’s topic on Dear Sybersue: My Ex and I Broke Up Because He Didn’t Want to Get Married. 1 Year Later, he’s engaged!
I will answer this question in a general sense, as this scenario happens with couples more often than it should. If marriage is really important to you, but it isn’t to your partner, you should move on from the relationship before you invest too many years into someone who isn’t on the same page as you are.
Not everyone wants to walk down the aisle, and that is their prerogative. If they are open and honest about not wanting to get married, the ball is in your court on whether to stay or walk away.
It is important that you really listen to your partner in the early stages of your relationship. Many people stay with their partners even when their needs aren’t being met. One of the biggest relationship mistakes is sticking around hoping you can alter your partner’s mindset, but nothing changes, and then 5 years have gone by! If someone truly loves you unconditionally, they will commit to you without hesitation.
A relationship can feel good in the first few years, but it’s not always the right fit for the long-term commitment of a marriage.
Understand the difference between a good relationship and a great one. Many people don’t want to be alone, so they continue to stay in an unfulfilling environment rather than being true to their desires and being with the partner they really want to share their life with.
It can be so difficult to walk away from someone that you are comfortable with because you are compatible for the most part. Unfortunately, this can keep you stuck in the wrong place because you think it is so much easier staying with them than having to venture out to single land once again. But is it really? Why would you shortchange your own personal happiness?
Pay close attention to the red flags!
If your new partner tells you they are not interested in getting married, believe them! Some couples hang in there, settling with the Mr./Mrs. right now, for way too long, and then finally break up. The next thing that happens is you or your ex end up getting married to someone else shortly thereafter. This can happen quickly after spending too much time in the wrong partnership because you now have more clarity as to what it is that you really want in the next one!
In some other cases, you or your partner may have already checked out of the relationship, but you are staying together until you feel strong enough to leave, or you are hoping to meet a new love interest to help through the transition of leaving. Both scenarios are not a good way to end things, but it hurts so much more when you are blindsided by your partner who’s been having an affair while they are still in a relationship with you!
Sadly, this often happens in many breakup situations because many men and women do not like to be alone.
Moving on quickly with someone else is not the way to start a new partnership.
Everyone needs time to grieve their breakup. Even if you think that you are completely over your Ex, there will always be some things that will be difficult to leave behind without feeling some guilt, anger, or sadness. Burying these feelings in the initial months of your breakup will only come back and resurface at some point. Very few people walk away unscathed after a relationship ends.
Taking emotional baggage along with you into a new scenario is not fair on the person you are now seeing. It is imperative that you take the time to deal with, and understand, why things didn’t work out in your past relationship. It is important to remember that you did love them at one time, and you were responsible for attracting and allowing your partner to be in your life.
What life lesson were you supposed to learn here?
The big thing to remember in any relationship is not to take a back seat to what is important to you.
Of course, we all have to compromise in our partnerships, but there are some big deal-breakers that shouldn’t be ignored or put on the back burner. Everyone should have some expectations and gently move on if they aren’t being met. Things like having children, marriage, where you will live, being emotionally connected, your religious beliefs, reciprocated sexual desires, and your financial expectations should all be discussed and agreed upon. These become very big problems when a couple is not on board with them all.
Having expectations and boundaries in all aspects of your life is healthy and very important. It keeps you from repeating patterns that continually cause heartache and other painful scenarios. Respecting yourself first is the key to living your best life. If your relationships repetitively consist of non-committal partners, it is probably time for you to seek some counseling to help you understand why you are choosing similar people to date. It may actually be you that is afraid of commitment.
In closing to the original question:
I know it was very hard to hear that your Ex chose someone else to propose to, but there is a big reason you’re no longer with each other. It’s not always a quick answer though and can leave you feeling rejected for quite some time. You have had a year to digest what transpired between you both, and I hope that you understand for the most part what those reasons were. Your ex was not meant to be your husband, and I’m pretty sure you know that deep in your heart.
You were very smart to walk away from someone who didn’t want the same things you did, and you should be proud of the fact that you honored yourself and your beliefs. You are going to meet an amazing partner who is much better suited for you, and leaving the situation with your ex-boyfriend gives you the opportunity to do so.
You may even want to thank him at a later date because he was honest enough to let you go. It is not easy being replaced by someone else, but at least you didn’t end up in a marriage that was never meant to be. He just wasn’t your person and that is OK.
Sybersue xo <3
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