Hello, I was just wondering if I could get a quick bit of advice?
My girlfriend Amber & I (we are both 20 years old) have only been together for 5 months, and shes 4 months pregnant, yes I know its a bit fast but I have known her for 2 years. Her parents were not happy about the pregnancy but have come around in the last few months and are starting to accept it now. Amber & I get on like a house on fire for the most part, and we are very excited to be starting a family together. We have had our ups and downs just like everyone, but we usually just forgive and forget and move on. But recently she seems to be pulling back from me. She hasn`t spoken to me in 5 days & she said that she just needs a break and will tell me when shes ready. I don`t feel like I have done anything wrong but was just wondering what the reason is?
I am guessing its hormones and she just needs a bit of space, but it is a long distance relationship…well 50 miles, and I thought she had enough space. We only talk an hour a day and I only get to see her every other weekend. I do not feel like I am smothering her given this scenario. What has happened?
Thank you for your advice! [if given] I love your videos & you always seem fair & non judgmental. I really want to hear your thoughts on this.
Stephen From Australia
I think you may be right about the hormones but many women are usually more clingy during those times. She may be feeling forced into this situation due to the fact that she got pregnant a month after you hooked up and didn’t have time to get to know how she really felt about you. She is probably re-evaluating her future right now as this is a life changing time for her. New man, baby on the way, new hormones she’s never felt before, living in separate towns etc. She may be asking herself “How will this work? What about money & where will we live?” That is a lot to digest.
I am not usually an advocate of breaks in a relationship but this one does warrant an exception due to the circumstances. The only way you will know if she truly wants to be in a relationship with you, is to honor her “space” and remove yourself temporarily. Let HER do the “contacting” as you need to know if she is into having a relationship with you and also wanting to make an effort as a committed partner. She is calling the shots right now & as much as it is killing you not knowing, you will get your answer soon enough. Be realistic about what she has said to you. Have you really listened to her & what she wants down the road? Be honest with yourself too. Do you love her or just trying to do the right thing? You both need to communicate what you want and that you are not there just because of the unforeseen cards that were dealt to you with the pregnancy.
Good luck with everything Stephen, you are a “stand up” guy wanting to take responsibility at such a young age & that is wonderful. So many men would have run the other way. Good for you!!! Thanks for writing & keep me posted ~ Susan
Hello my girlfriend is pregnant I met her 3 months ago and she’s 10 weeks pregnant at the time she got pregnant I wasn’t ready for a baby as I’m only 20 years old I told her I dint want anything to do with the baby then down the line I knew I made a mistake by saying that as she don’t believe in abortions we was still speaking for a week and both told each other we won’t speak to each other in a couple of week, we stopped speaking then I found out of some one els she still loves her ex boyfriend as she just come out of 10 month relation ship that she believes she’s been thru a lot with him she still cares about him but she cares more about the baby and me as its a permanent then I said to her we are raising the baby together as I sat and thought to my self how can I leave my own baby to grow with out his real dad? It dint seem right to me after 7 weeks into pregnancy kept meeting her everytime she was free taking her out and we have a laugh all the way thru the day but some times I could see in her eyes she wasn’t the same I also have my naughty side where she wants me to not do stuff like going out getting into trouble but I told her everything’s going to change can you please help me on this one as I really don’t want my own blood to be raised by somebody els and to be in a good relationship with my girlfriend. Thank you
I know this topic was quite last year, but could not allow it to past, since I see myself also in the same boat. Me and my gf (now ex)(23 & 24yrs), was dating for a month before she got pregnant. Of course we was shocked and going through the motions of its suddenness, but decided to go full term with it. Now, in the beginning we were great, which would explain why we happend to have sex at such an early stage. Nonetheless, like a week or 2 after we learnt of the news, she became distant and began to pull away from me. I did my best to keep her close and always reassured that all will be well, and we should simply focus on buidling the r/ship, since that’s what we were doing all along. About a month later of building we eventually got together, and by then the pregnancy was picking up, but still, we continued on. Through the mood swings and what not, I was ALWAYS supportive and caring and patient and tolerant and understanding, so as to not let her be stressed out any further.
The r/ship continued until about 2 weeks ago (6th month into pregnancy), where she said, she feels emotionally detached from me, and it was nothing I did, but simply how she feels. Now, before this revelation I had taken note on how drastically she had changed toward me, where she drew even further away and became frighteningly distant. It was then I read up that as the 3rd tri approaches things will intesify and affect her moods and thinking drastically.
So, I became even more understanding and patient in thinking she had no control of how she was acting, which she also admitted. Nonetheless, we broke up, which I didn’t want, but respected, and she said we could still spend time together. So I was cool with it for now, thinking she was finding it hard to cope with her emotional changes. Yet, after the break up, a week later, she suddenly changed for the “worst”. Saying, she doesn’t want to spend time anymore because I irritate her, even thought I had not been around her in a while and when I was around her, things were good. So, when she said that, I was wholly convinced the pregnancy was taking its toll, so I decided to give her space. But then, the following week, she says she doesn’t want to talk to me, or even want me in her life, just the baby’s. So I asked what did I do wrong and she replies “nothing, that’s just how she feels”.
Now Sue, I love this girl, which is difficult to fathom given the unwarranted ill-treatment, but I’m finding it hard to wrap my head around what’s going on with her. Idk whether its primarily the hormones affecting her demeanour toward me or she is truly feeling that way. Because if I have done nothing wrong, and she admits that I was the best bf she ever had and very supportive depsite her “bitching”, why would she suddenly change for the worst toward me?
I’m lost. 🙁
I can understand how frustrated you must be with this scenario! It is not often a young man steps up to the plate with an unexpected pregnancy staring him in the face. You are definitely a stand-up guy. Many emotions & changes go through the female mind & body while she is pregnant & lifelong decisions are constantly swirling around in her thoughts.
The fact that you only dated for a month before she got pregnant is the reason she is pulling back because she really doesn’t know you. Getting to know someone during one of the most emotional times of a woman’s life is not the best situation. If you had a year behind your relationship there would be a foundation built that could continue to grow into a loving home. You didn’t have this and every question is running through her head right now about her future. The fact that she sees you being a part of the baby’s life is great but she can’t promise you anything else because she really doesn’t know you. She may have felt a little smothered if there were too many questions from you & her family.
She also may have felt forced to be with you as a couple because of this baby you share between you. That’s not a very romantic start to your partnership ~ There is no courtship in this case, just a lot of clinical choices about what is best for the baby. When life hands people difficult circumstances everyone varies with their reactions & how they deal with things.
Respect her wishes for now & tell her you will be there for her when she needs you & see how things go after the baby is born. She could have a change of heart if she doesn’t feel like she HAS to make a future decision right now. She is already dealing with another life inside of her & doesn’t want to feel pressured to being in a committed relationship as well. It could all work out if she has time to get to know who you are. Right now though, as hard as it is, stop calling but ask her to keep you informed by email how she is progressing with her last trimester. She owes you that much especially as you are the father & have been amazing throughout all of this.
Keep me posted on how things turn out & congrats on being a dad in 3 months!
Well, I have decided to give her space and bascially check in on her as to how she and the baby is progressing. And yes, it is difficult, because I’m still confused as to why the sudden change to unwarranted animosity happened. Regardless, in me giving space, I say I would focus on supporting her and the baby, for whatever, and after the baby has come see how the r/ship goes from there. I know I will be around so I would have time, to basically start from scratch and build a r/ship wherefrom we could hopefully return to a “family” and not do the raising as single people.
Your girlfriend has definite trust issues due to the fact that her past relationship was only 6 months ago & he ended it abruptly. She is hurt & now her pregnancy hormones are playing havoc with her feelings. You are a great guy for being there for her & trying to understand her mixed emotions. She hasn’t had time to get to know you & is carrying your child after only 2 months of meeting you. She wasn’t over her EX yet & now she has the whole new world standing before her!
I am not a therapist but I do know that you need to also do what is right for you. Why don’t you compromise on the living/marriage arrangements. Move in with her until the baby is born & help her out. Once the pregnancy is over, she may have more clarity on what she wants for her future. You do not have to get married & commit to a ring etc. She is too unstable with what she wants right now & she needs time to figure it out. A ring & marriage will just add a huge pressure to the situation & may sabotage any chance you both have at making this work down the road. A promise ring is also an alternative…I learned the hard way, that if you have doubts about getting married, don’t do it…(Mine ended in divorce 4 years.) That is your gut (or your guides if you believe in that) telling you what to do. It doesn’t mean it isn’t right for another time, but there are three of you in this scenario that need to think about their happiness, not just one.
Let me know how it all works out for you. Congrats on your new baby to be <3
Its sounds like I’m in the say boat as Stephen( well sort of). My girlfriend and I were together for 2 months, fell in love and then found out she was pregnant( she didn’t take her first 2 pills of the cycle). I am 10 years her senior. At this point she is 8 weeks and is annoyed by my presence and feelings. She blows off my questions of her lack of affection towards me, but it’s the reality. At the same time she wants to move in together and I supposed to be buying a ring, then get married by a jp before the baby comes. Then have a wedding after she gets back in shape. I’m confused on this and worried the affection and love will never come back. I want to do all these things (move in, ring, marriage) but do not want and unloving and affectionate relationship. At around 4 weeks pregnant she has told me she is not ready to be a mother, but is going to go ahead with it.( I wanted the baby and guess I made it clear our relationship wouldn’t survive an abortion). I also know that she has considered an abortion from time to time. I have told her that I love her and will be by her side forever. I understand that she feeling like she’s giving up so much (being young,friends, grad school) but I try to make her realize everything she’s gaining telling her she can have all these things it will just be on another path. Trying to stay positive. In the beginning I made my case for my love for her and keeping the baby, which I feel she now has committed to having. There are also some wounds from a previous relationship(6 months ago-4year relationship) that she has not emotionally gotten over. The hormone levels have been giving her vivid dreams of the relationship and are affecting her thoughts. She claims she does not love him or have feeling for him but is angry at him and hates him for the way he treated her and made her feel worthless. He was ruthless and manipulative and ripped her apart, she’s feels she doesn’t know how someone could love her. I want to do the right thing, but don’t want to get hurt or lose the baby. I feel if I don’t go ahead with the move in, ring and marriage It will break the relationship, but If I do and her feeling and or behavior don’t change I will be putting myself in a very painful position. I’m in my early thirties and have never felt so lost and confused. I feel as I should pull back on house, ring and marriage but afraid of the consequences.