Dear Sybersue discusses the topic: Is it Time to Take a dating Break?
When Do You Know That It May Be That Time?
If you are starting to get jaded or angry and you are lumping all your dates into one negative category; you need to take a step back. “They’re all the same!”
You feel like nothing ever works out and there seems to be a pattern of cloned people coming your way. You are the one attracting them towards you, which means you are putting something out to the universe that may need altering.
You are starting to feel depressed and lonely.
Your ego is taking over which can make you difficult to be around.
You are sad and feel defeated. “What’s the point in going out when I never meet anyone?”
How Do I Do That? I Don’t Like Being Alone
Sometimes you just have to deprogram your thoughts and recharge your thinking if things aren’t working out the way you want them to. You need to be comfortable being you and learn to enjoy your alone time. Being happy in your own skin is such a wonderful trait which draws people towards your confidence.
They can’t help but notice you!
We spend a lot of time thinking about negative thoughts when we should be thinking about how fortunate we are in many areas of our life. Some men and women who have too much time on their hands need to have a project or hobby that keeps their mind alive with a feeling of purpose.
Do some fun things that keep you from thinking about what isn’t happening in your love life. Busy people have less time to ponder and sweat the small stuff.
It’s OK to take a step back, refresh your attitude and make yourself the top priority for awhile! Take a time out and when you feel ready to go back out into the dating pool again you will feel refreshed and have a new outlook!
Please watch the video above and leave your comments below! What have you done when dating wasn’t working for you?
Today I do something a little bit different in this video. I have had many women writing to my Dear Sybersue advice column recently about not knowing what to do when a last minute date invitation comes their way. They usually just say no!
“I can’t go, I can’t get ready that fast!” “I have nothing to wear!” “What about my hair and makeup?” ” I’ll never to be able to pull it off!”
The trouble with this type of thinking is that you miss out on so many things! People who are spontaneous have a much more diverse and fun filled life because they aren’t making high maintenance excuses why they can’t go to a last minute invite.
They are organised and prepared for anything that comes their way!
Why would you want to miss out on something wonderful if you don’t have to? Especially if you are single! It’s not that difficult to look great in less that 15 minutes despite what you may think. You shouldn’t need 2-3 hours to get ready for anything unless you are walking the red carpet at the Golden Globes or Academy Awards!
Ladies watch this video above to learn how to be that fun spontaneous person so that you don’t say no to some amazing opportunities! Always be ready to go!
Please leave your tips and comments below to help out other women who may need some other “get ready quick” ideas.
Often, it’s not until our 30’s and beyond that many of us really start to hit our stride and get our life together. However, the reduction in wild nights out can often mean it’s pretty difficult to meet new people that have the potential to become a life partner. Luckily, there are some tried and tested methods that can help improve your chances, read in to find out what they are.
Consent to being ‘set up’
Now, a lot of people have a very negative view about being set up on a blind date. They think that the person they will end up meeting will be awful, or even worse that they will see them and back out of date and stand them up.
However, if you pick the right person to set you up with a date, it can actually be an excellent experience. The reason for this is that who knows you better than your best friend or a close family member? No one, that’s who, and as they know you so well, they are actually in a fantastic position to choose someone that you might just get along famously with. So give the blind date thing a go, you never know, you may just be pleasantly surprised with the results.
Use a dating agency
Another option that can work wonders for the love life of the over 30s is to sign up with a dating agency. The thing with using an agency is that because of the lifestyle that we lead, and the popularity of internet dating, it has all become much more acceptable to do. Yes, at years ago people used to raise an eyebrow when you said you met someone through an agency, but now those mentioning that they have met online are only asked which one they used so their friend can give it a go as well.!
The best sort of introduction agency offers not only carefully selected suggestions for your dates but also additional advice on safety, life coaching and confidence too, so make sure that you pick well. After all, if you are going to be paying for a service, it’s only right that you will pick the one that is offering the most help in getting you the relationship that you want.
Get involved in a community project
Something else that can be a great way to broaden your horizons and meet new people that have the potential to become a partner is to embrace a community project. This could be anything that is currently running in your area, although picking something that you have a passion for such as improving the local environment is often best.
The reason for this is two-fold. Firstly you will be making a difference in a field that is important to you, so if you don’t meet anyone, it is still a worthwhile and enriching activity. Secondly, if you do happen to meet someone suitable while working on the project, you will already have some common ground to start from. Something that can make it a lot easier to strike up a conversation and can give you a chance to get to know them easily, and set up a first date, or even a second if you are lucky!
I haven’t been in a relationship for over 2 years due to my last breakup and all the drama that I had to deal with. I took some time away from men to heal and figure out what the Hell happened because I never want to have go through that again.
He wasn’t very loyal towards me which I didn’t find out until the end of our relationship!
I am definitely not ready to be in a committed partnership but I really miss being intimate and having regular sex with someone. I am feeling lonely and was wondering what this friends with benefits scenario is all about?
This might be right up my alley while my heart is mending but I am wondering if I can handle the casualness of it. I am used to being in an exclusive relationship even though my last boyfriend didn’t seem to honor that!
Can you let me know what the rules and expectations are if I decide to get involved in a “friends with benefits” liaison?
Thank you so much Sybersue!
Curious Katie
Hi CK,
First of all that is great that you know yourself well andthat you are not ready to get into another relationship right now. You’re not pretending to be healed from your past breakup and you are being honest with yourself. Many people jump back in when they are not ready, which often causes emotional confusion in this next relationship.
“Friends with benefits” is a very popular way to have a flexible and reciprocated sexual connection without all the expectations that a full time partnership requires. It can be a great set-up for some people who just don’t have time to date or who aren’t ready to be in a long term commitment at this stage of their life; like yourself.
FWB is not for everyone though and it’s certainly not a hot bed of roses all the time!
There can be complications with this type of arrangement and for that reason there are rules that need to be adhered to. These should be discussed on the first day that you both decide this is what you want from each other.
First Things First; DON’T GO into a FWB Situation If:
You think that by seeing them casually and having sex with them that you will eventually lure them into a long term commitment. They are telling you they don’t want anything more than occasional sexual encounters; believe them!
If you are way more attracted and invested in them than they are with you. You can’t stop thinking about them! You will be setting yourself up for another heartbreak. FWB scenarios have to be in a reciprocated “sexual friend zone” with limited expectations.
Do not venture into this if you decide that maybe you are ready for a committed relationship. Spending time with someone you are only partially involved with, will take away time from meeting someone you could ultimately have a partnership with.
You are not right for this type of situation if you get jealous easily or are insecure about friendship sex. (Many women need the intense emotional love connection before they feel comfortable is a sexual partnership.)
What Should The “Friends With Benefits” Rules Include?
You have to have “the talk” immediately, when you decide you are both on board with this type of arrangement. Make sure you both know it is casual with no expectations to have a deeper romantic/love connection.
You also need to talk about how often you will be meeting up. Will it be once a week or once a month?
What are the birth control expectations?
Will you keep it strictly as a bedroom sexual encounter, or will there be an outside date night involved as well?
Will it just be the two of you or will other people be involved? (Yes, you need to ask those questions!)
There needs to be a conversation and a time set up in advance for your next encounter together. (The same way you would organize something with a close friend.) Unless you are OK with a last minute booty call?
Are you are going to be sexually exclusive with them? This should be a reciprocated rule that you are both on the same page with!
You need to respect each other’s time. No last minute bail outs because something or someone else came up. You are not using each other when there is nothing else going on. You generally really like each other and you must treat them as you would want to be treated.
Another important question: Is it OK to date others at the same time you are in this FWB scenario? Do they need to tell you if they are dating someone or are you both OK not knowing what each other is doing when you are not together?
Is this going to be a secretive situation or is it alright that others know you are friends with benefits?
This type of arrangement isn’t a good fit for everyone and I am not sure it will be for you Katie. You said yourself that you’re not sure you can handle the casualness of it all. You are also still dealing with the insecurities of being cheated on and open relationships such as this type can play on your self esteem.
There is no time limit or pressure to be in a FWB situation so as long as you are honest with your concerns & upfront with him in the beginning, there is no harm in trying it out to see if you can handle this type of arrangement.
If you decide at any time that “friends with benefits” doesn’t fit your lifestyle anymore you need to be courteous and open with your feelings and end things in a respectful manner. Don’t do the ghosting thing and just disappear!
Remember you are friends’ not just lovers.
Please watch the video above for more information on your question. Thanks for writing Katie!
Dear Sybersue discusses Jacob’s question about his high maintenance girlfriend. He has only been dating her for 2 months but so far everything is ALL about her!
She doesn’t seem to care about what is going on in his life or share conversations as a couple. She is extremely self absorbed and oblivious to anything that doesn’t involve her.
He wants to know if he should just move on?
Please watch the video above to see what Dear Sybersue has to say on the subject.
Here is a comment from a male viewer on Dear Sybersue’s YouTube Channel about this video:
Anon amous Reply: Excellent post and advice. You probably should dump her immediately, but you could use her to become a better person yourself.
I had to laugh. Of course she thinks only about herself, she’s a woman. Particularly, if she’s a woman under 30 years old. If you do date a woman who appears very interested in you, ask yourself why is she so interested in me? What is she looking for? Does she want to find out how much money I have? Does she want to find out my dating history to determine if I am a high value guy? Just because a woman appears interested in you doesn’t mean that she is altruistic, far from it. Particularly, if she is over 30 years old.
Now, if a woman is taking you for granted, you are doing something wrong. She has the impression that she is doing you a favor by dating you. You’ve not made her feel that you are a high value guy, and by high value I mean dominate. Sorry for using the “d” word, but it fits best. If she thought that you were high value, she would be more attentive. Granted, most women in their 20’s don’t even know how to talk about someone else, but she would try harder, and she would do it with a submissive tone and posture.
If she is the only woman you are dating — stop it. Date at least two other women at the same time. If you do this, you probably won’t have to do anything else, because your “vibe” (awful word, but it fits) will change. You will “feel” more dominate and less needy to her and she will become more submissive and attentive.
Use this woman to help change your needy little self. She truly doesn’t value you, because you don’t value you. Start doing things to you, to become less needy and more dominate, and use her reaction to you to measure your success. If she becomes more submissive, you are making progress on yourself. Let her help you to help you (to paraphrase Jerry Maguire). After you become dominate and her submissive, you can keep her along with your other two women of course.
Women don’t want lovers. They want leaders. (Sorry, if there is someone I haven’t offended yet. Let me know what I could say to offend you and I will try harder in the future.)
▼ Dear Sybersue reply
Wow interesting perspective there Anon! Using women and being dominant over them?? If he were to do this then he would be just as bad as her. I say walk away and find someone who respects him, and yes, find out why he allows this type of woman in his life at the same time. Thanks for taking the time to write. 🙂
What would you do in this situation? Please leave your comments below.
In today’s weekly video Dear Sybersue answers Brian’s question:
Dear Sybersue,
“Why do I keep going back to my ex? We have one good month and then 5 or 6 bad months together. We break up but then she starts to contact me again and I go back for more. She lets me back in as if nothing has happened!
It’s like some kind of back and forth game! The problem is I actually really do miss her after awhile and let her talk me into giving our relationship another chance. This has happened 4 times already!
I compromise trying to make things work but she doesn’t reciprocate so then I get fed up again and leave. What is going on and why can’t I just walk away for good? I feel like a pushover!”
Thanks Sybersue, Brian
Please watch the video above to see what Sybersue has to say to Brian and other people who may be in a similar situation. It is not easy to leave a relationship when you have a history together and we all want to be optimists and hang onto the good parts of what we had.
When a partnership starts to become filled with unhealthy drama then it is time to really assess your reasons for staying.
In the video above Dear Sybersue discusses 10 GREAT Tips to Help Rekindle Your Relationship & the importance of keeping your relationship love alive.
The number one priority in any relationship is communication. It is the glue of any successful long term partnership.
If you can’t talk to each other openly and honestly it could eventually lead to the demise of you as a couple. Parents have to work especially hard at this due to their own busy schedules and also managing the children with their daily routine and activities.
The important thing to remember here is that you need to nurture your relationship first and let the kids take a back seat once in awhile. Without the fiery love that you both shared in the earlier stages of your romance, there wouldn’t be any little ones running around.
Many people forget that and over time relationships become a platonic environment. This is not what you signed up for so be aware of how to keep things fresh between you and your partner all year long!
Ten Top Tips to Keep Your Love Strong:
Talk, talk,talk!
This can’t be emphasized enough! This goes for all subjects in both of your lives. Understand and be interested in what each other does in your careers and your personal hobbies or passions. If something is bothering you, do not dismiss having a conversation about it.
The reason it is called a partnership is because you are supposed to share things with one another. Give each other your full attention when one of you is talking. Listen to each other and really hear what they are saying.
Money is a big relationship Stress.
Sadly, money is one of the top reasons for the uprising in the divorce statistics. Set a budget that is adhered to and respected between you both. You don’t have to spend a ton of money on the kids. They would much rather have parents that are happy together than the latest gadget that goes out of date the following year.
Schedule in weekly date nights!
You need to make time for each other on a regular basis especially during stressful times of the year. You should never be too busy for each other. If you fall apart so does your family. Get a sitter in and go out for dinner or swap child minding time with a neighbor or relative that also has children. Don’t ever forget to love each other and show each other how you feel.
Make an effort to look good for yourself and your partner.
A little sex appeal is important! Be that person you were when you first met each other. They fell in love with you for a reason, so always remember that and keep the attraction alive.
It only takes a few minutes to put in a little personal effort which will add miles to your relationship because it shows you care. Share a half an hour every day before dinner to chat about your day unwinding over a glass of wine or cup of tea without any distractions.
Sex is another very big priority in a relationship.
Sex doesn’t have to consist of an hour of foreplay. A quick visit behind a locked door when the kids are out or watching their favorite TV show, puts a brand new refreshing spring in your step and keeps you close as a couple. Regular sex can make so many other family issues seem less problematic. Making love is very therapeutic!
Thanksgiving, Christmas & other Holidays bring family stresses that are enhanced during those times of the year.
As a couple you need to discuss where you will be spending the holidays and figure out a system that works for your own family and also for your in-laws. There will need to be a lot of compromising on this subject due to the expectations some family members have around these festive occasions.
You need to be on the same page as your partner and supportive of each other with any family drama that occurs.
Having each others back is very important throughout your years together as a couple.
Be communicative & selective with your social activities.
Trying to do it all puts a lot of tension on you as a couple. You don’t have to do everything! Annual work events/ parties should be attended by you both together but you might want to compromise by doing alternate years. It is very meaningful and appreciated when you support each others careers.
“Couples who play together stay together!”
Having things in common is another important factor to maintaining a flourishing partnership. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a hobby or activity that you do separately, but spending time doing fun things together keeps you connected.
Make sure you allot some time at least once a week where you can get out of the house together and away from the everyday routine in the home.
The little things count.
Anytime you can be romantic with each other will help you get through many other pressures life offers. Leaving your partner a loving ”post it note” or sending sweet text messages every so often, is a beautiful way to show you are thinking about them throughout the hectic days.
Words are very powerful so communicating your feelings in these simple ways can keep your love alive for many years to come!
Be kind to one another.
Your partner is your number one priority and should be treated as so. You fell in love for a reason and that should be always be cherished. Take time to love one another and have those special romantic moments.
By being aware and continually communicating with each other with a reciprocated respect, it is possible to create never-ending love filled memories with your partner.
