How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

How Do I Avoid Dating Commitment Phobic People?

Dear Sybersue discusses dating issues when it comes to constantly meeting men and women who are commitment phobic!

Dear Sybersue,

Hi Sybersue, I am writing out of pure frustration today to discuss the ever dreaded dating BS of the millennium! I know you have addressed many topics on your YouTube channel but I really want to know how to deal with men who ALL seem to be commitment phobic!

Why are guys even dating if they are not interested in a relationship? Why are they wasting my time? They know I am interested in a partnership and not just a one night stand so why don’t they just go find someone who is into being “their booty call” instead??

I am 23 years old and I have tried dating men of all ages to try to get around this situation. I thought maybe it was just my age group that was the problem, but nope, that’s not the case. It’s an epidemic!

My girlfriends complain about it too, but some of them have been lucky and have found great relationships. What am I missing in the early stages of dating these men and why am I attracting these types who aren’t looking for a committed partnership?

I don’t just give up after the 1st date and try not to be too judgmental too quickly,but the results are the same with all of them so far!

What can I do to meet someone who is sincerely into a commitment without having to go through all the same drama every time I meet a new guy?

Help!

Going Crazy Kristen

Hi Kristen,

This is a popular question that both men and women want answers to. There are plenty of ladies playing the field out there and driving the guys crazy as well. I hear from them all the time here on my advice column.

The trick is to be smart about your dating choices and not spend too much time with men who are not into having a relationship. There are big signs very early on but as you said “you don’t want to be too judgmental too quickly,” so you may be ignoring them.

There is a huge difference between being judgmental and ignoring those big red flags!

You have dated enough to know when a guy is into wanting a relationship or whether he is just there to put another notch on his bed post. Guys aren’t that good at hiding their sexual desires and if you are paying attention, you will see it early so that you can move on a lot faster!

The sooner you remove yourself from this type of men, the sooner you will stop attracting them towards you.

When a new relationship is going in the right direction you don’t have to ask the questions, “Is he interested in me?” “Where is this going?” or “Are we exclusive with each other?” If you have to ask, you need to move on from them.

You should both be in a place where you are on the same page with how you are feeling about each other. Yes, even in the early stages!

You asked why guys are dating if they aren’t into having a relationship and the answer is because there are always women who will give them what they want. (These women are also hoping they will end up in a partnership with them by doing so.)

How often have you thought that maybe you could be the woman who makes them settle down? I think there are many ladies out there that can relate to this statement! There can also be a very powerful chemistry that happens quickly and lures women into a false sense of partnership security.

Kristen, before you jump into bed with anyone you are dating, listen to what he says he wants in his life, watch his body language and keep the chemistry pheromones in check! Many women become very emotionally attached after they are intimate with someone and they get themselves stuck in a dead end scenario that they aren’t happy in.

Also, make sure that you are ready for a relationship. Subconsciously you may not be, and are choosing unavailable men without totally being aware that you are doing this. Make sure you have dealt with the demons of your past partnerships and that there isn’t any unresolved issues that are clouding your dating scenarios.

It’s never too late to do a little emotional housekeeping!

Please watch the video above to see how you can change things up with your dating life and deal with any initial red flags so that you can meet that special person who is also looking for partnership!

Keep me posted Kristen!

Sybersue
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Please leave your comments below on how you dealt with this type of situation in your life.

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Are You a Serial Dater?

Are You a Serial Dater?

In today’s video Dear Sybersue discusses the topic on being a serial dater. Are you addicted to dating?

  1. Do you always want that initial excitement that a new person brings to the mix?
  2. Do you move on quickly after one or two dates?
  3. Do things change after a few sexual encounters with them?

It might be time to figure out if there is a deep rooted fear buried from your past.

While many people are fed up with dating and the stress it entails, there are many men & women who treat dating as a game or an ego building tool. The more the merrier…NEXT!

How long can someone keep going from one person to the next without ever really getting to know them and only having a superficial encounter with each new conquest?  Is sex the reward?

Does it not become repetitive and somewhat lonely? Is it a hard place to remove yourself from?

If you have you been a serial dater and you now in a committed relationship,what did you do to change things and eventually fall in love?

Please leave your comments below as it might help others. I appreciate you taking the time to do so!

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
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Relationships: My Girlfriend is Losing Interest! What Should I do?

Relationships: My Girlfriend is Losing Interest! What Should I do?

Dear Sybersue:

My girlfriend of 2 months is starting to pull away from me with no reason that I can think of. She just started not returning my texts and saying she was busy all the time. We started out so well and everything just clicked between us!

She is 38 ( I am 35) and has dated a lot over the years but has never really had a long term boyfriend. I did see a few things early on that made me question her commitment to me but I didn’t pressure her with questions and just kept things going in a non-aggressive way so that she had some space.

Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be working and I feel her moving further and further away from me.

I have fallen pretty hard for her! What should I do?

Cory B.

Hi Cory B,

Thanks for your question and I can tell you that you are not alone with this inquiry! I have had 5 similar emails in the last few months from both men & women.

It is a confusing time in the land of dating & relationships and there are more mixed signals than ever before! Part of the reason for this is the lack of real communication skills many people have from spending so much time online, rather that in a face to face scenario.

When we finally meet someone that excites us we go “all in” like a Texas holdem poker game betting on something we don’t know the outcome of but looks really good at the time!

Taking a chance on love is a good thing but we have to be smart and listen to our instincts before we invest our heart fully into this person we don’t know yet.

You said there were a few red flags that you noticed early on but you chose to sweep them aside. You also said she hasn’t had any real committed partnerships. Do you know why this is?  Have you actually asked her why she is pulling back?

When love is real there aren’t a lot of questions or any game playing. That is because there is a reciprocated respect for each other.

It is not your place to try to fix her or spend years trying to figure out why may be commitment phobic. All you can do is be honest with how you feel and if she is not into a relationship she needs to tell you.

The 3-6 month mark in a relationship is usually when things either start to improve or dissolve between a couple. If you are questioning everything between the two of you after 2 months together, you may already have your answer with which direction you are headed towards.

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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Dating & Relationships: Are You Getting MIXED SIGNALS!

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It seems that men and women cannot get past the first 3 dates due to the mixed signals they are receiving.

What is going on & why has this changed so much over the years?

1.  Insecurities and past hurts are keeping people from having normalcy in their relationships.

2.  Everyone gets their rule book out and if their date doesn’t pass all the tests early on, they are deleted from their phones, apps or social media. NEXT!

3.  The effort is not put forth anymore to really get to know someone and accept some of their imperfections.

4.  Online dating & available Apps are making people move on quicker & allowing them to be more particular because of the big roster of “next conquests” available on these sites. They get an “I can do better” attitude.

In the beginning, when getting to know a potential partner, respect & communication should be the priority before sex & intimacy rule your loins.

Being sexually compatible is important and many people do not want to waste their time if the chemistry isn’t there between the sheets. Sex is now expected to happen immediately and even on the first date!

But…

Intimacy changes everything for most woman and new expectations come into play when she gives herself to someone. Sex too soon can end up being a big problem so tread lightly with how quickly you both rip your clothes off.

Playing games every other week or playing hard to get, will usually end up being the demise of the partnership when the other half gets tired of this obvious agenda.

One of the most common “Mixed Signals” comes in the form of one person pushing the relationship way too fast in the beginning. Then a month or two later they sabotage it because they freak themselves out due to how fast it is moving!

This is a very common scenario especially if sex was introduced too quickly. Don’t let someone dictate this speedy scenario. Hold back! You don’t know them and they could be in an addictive dating pattern with no intention of being in a committed relationship.

There is an old expression that when someone comes in too fast to the relationship, they usually go out, just as fast!

By being aware of the type of person you are attracting; is the key to finding a long lasting love. Constantly choosing people who are unavailable or who are commitment phobic, could be because you are not ready yourself.

Another mistake some people make is by needing their friend’s of family’s approval. It is always best to make your own assumptions by listening to your intuition not someone else. Some of your friends could be jealous of your new love and say things to sabotage it.

Dating later in life can also be difficult as you may be less tolerant.

You could be set in your ways and become too picky or judgemental. If your space feels threatened it may make you pull back. This also sends out mixed signals!

The older we get the more heartbreak scars we have in our tainted memories, so be careful of meeting someone fresh out of a broken relationship. This is never a good idea.

There is a reason why you hurt after a break-up & you are supposed to take time to heal and reflect on what transpired. How can you possibly be whole? You are just taking your emotional baggage into the next relationship even if you don’t think you are.

Galloping on the next horse is not always a good ride; it’s just a different one.

Ask your date what they are looking for. Don’t be afraid to find out early; it may be the opposite of where you see yourself and you can discuss that with them. Diplomacy should always be used and a leave the long checklist at home.

Body language gives away many answers if you are paying attention; which is what dating is all about.

1. Listen clearly to what they say. If they say they don’t want to be in a committed relationship and that is important to you, move on. They have told you honestly; don’t think you will be the one to change their mind!

2. If they are playing a game or playing hard to get, you really don’t want to waste time trying to figure that out. Relationships don’t have to be that difficult. People make it harder because they try to change each other rather than “listen” to who their date really is.

3. Don’t get caught up in a “cat and mouse” game. Learn early on whether it is worth pursuing. If they are only texting twice a week or keeping you at arms reach, they are not interested.

4. Learn to really listen to what they are saying and not only what you want to hear.

5.  People give themselves away early on so it is wise to read between the lines, listen to your gut and not ignore the red flags!

6.  Don’t let their hotness overrule your values & morals by allowing things that you would normally move on from. Looks really aren’t everything long term; there is so much more to a person than that.

7.  Do not allow yourself to become their last minute date or late night booty call! Respect yourself first & others will respect you too.

The more you get on the treadmill of dating people who send out mixed signals, the more you will lose your trust in having a partnership.

It always is wise to take some time away from dating if there is a negative pattern developing. Don’t let someone come in and mess with your heart or your head.

Your instincts are your guide; never ignore their value! They will always lead you in the right direction.

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Relationships: Stop Chasing People who don’t want to be Chased-NEXT!

Dear Sybersue discusses a common pattern with many men & women: “The Chase!”

Are you addicted to going after someone who isn’t available or plays games with you? You think that it’s just a matter of time until they give in but maybe they just really aren’t interested!

You are spending all  your energy on the wrong people over and over again by trying to win them over.You need to ask yourself why this is so important to you to choose people who really aren’t that into you. Has there been rejection or abandonment issues that have become too familiar to you from your past? Or maybe you are commitment phobic and the chase keeps you from having to be in a serious relationship?

Is this really what you want long term?

Maybe it’s time to find real love!

Susan McCord @ http://www.facebook.com/DearSybersue
The Dear Sybersue Talk Show @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord

Dear Sybersue: Don’t Lose Sleep over a Hot & Cold Relationship-NEXT!

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Don’t Lose Sleep Over a Hot & Cold Relationship NEXT!

Dear Sybersue,

I am in a relationship with a guy who seems to be only half interested in me! Some days he is so amazing & loving and then other days he is so removed and distant. We have been together for 9 months. He is 41 years old, crazy fit & handsome, never been married, but has dated a lot!! I met him online (Plenty of Fish) where he has been active for the last 4 years. I know from watching many of your videos that you are thinking; “4 years? WTF?” I also questioned that, and when I asked him about it he said he just hadn’t met anyone he felt a connection with until he met me. Yah I know, great line right?

I am 36 and very ready to be in a committed partnership & become a mom. He knows this as it was not a secret on my POF profile. I don’t believe in stupid games or playing hard to get, so I just spell it out there for everyone to see. I am not a serial dater and would rather spend time with quality men than have numerous “1st date” scenarios. Saying all that I am literally losing sleep over this man and trying to make sense of his blatant mood swings! It has been like this from day one but it is now happening pretty much every other day that I see him!

I thought this guy was one of those quality types I like, but now I am wondering if I got it wrong! He says he is exclusively committed to me and has even talked about us living together soon. I see him about 3 days per week when he has time from his busy work schedule. He says he likes kids but hasn’t expressed any desire to start a family yet. He is an only child and doesn’t seem close with his parents. I have never met them (although they supposedly live in our same city) and he doesn’t talk openly about them or his childhood. I don’t push the subject although I am starting to be very curious about it all now! Who is he really? What makes him tick?

I question our relationship every time he goes from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde but then I get sucked back in over and over again. Why is that you ask? Because…when it’s good it’s SO GOOD! He doesn’t tell me he loves me often but he can be quite romantic!! Sex is great when he is “in to me” and then void of any affection at all on his “off days” with me.

How can someone be so hot and cold? Is there hope for us as a couple or is it a doomed situation and I should just move on?

Help me Sybersue, I am starting to get really pissed off with the way he is dealing with all of this! What is his story??

Angie xo

Dear Angie,

Thank you so much for your question as I know many men and women would also like to know how to handle this type of scenario. I am glad you are starting to get pissed off because that is when you will begin to find out the answers you are looking for. Just accepting his “on and off” behavior is not healthy for you and if he can’t be honest as to why he is doing this, there may be some ghosts & goblins hidden in his closet that he is not sharing with you. You haven’t met his parents after 9 months which says he either has family issues or he is not as committed to you as he says he is. Neither of these are what you want in a partnership. He is definitely holding something back from you.

The fact that he has been a serial dater for 4 years (that you know of) and not yet met someone he wants to commit to at 41 is a sign that he is probably commitment phobic. After 9 months together you are entitled to question him on these things and I would start doing that very soon. It’s not OK for him to treat you in this hot and cold manner. If you are going to give your heart to someone you need to know where you stand with him! You said that you spelled things out with him in the very beginning so he knows you want a committed relationship with all the bells & whistles attached. The problem with that is he can use this as a manipulation tool and just give you enough to keep you interested without going to full distance! Talk is cheap remember?

His constant mixed signals are red flags that show his guarded personality. You shouldn’t have to question his feelings for you when it is RIGHT. I am not saying he can’t eventually change his ways, but it is not up to you to fix him. If he is not willing to talk to you or see a counselor about why he is behaving this way, then I would suggest you end things and move on to find a more loving and reciprocated partnership where there are no questions. This situation you are in gives a whole new meaning to give & take! (You give and he takes!) We all have stuff to deal with in life but it is HOW we deal with it that allows us to grow to our best potential and remove negative patterns that continue to screw our life up.

Since he has brought up living together (and depending on whether he is sincere about doing this) ask him the following questions before you make any decisions:

1.“Can I meet your family first?” (This could tell you a lot about who he is after meeting them.)

2. Ask him if he is sure he wants children & when he sees that happening in his life. (Since this is really important to you, you should be happy with his answer. If he is evasive then you know he is not ready and maybe never will be. He is 41 after all.

3. Is he interested in getting married? Living together, to some people means commitment but they have no desire to take the next step to the Altar.

4. How does he think he will handle going from seeing you 3 days a week to living together full time? (You also need to ask yourself why you are OK with him controlling these 3 days when it only suits HIS schedule? Why is it totally up to him?)

5. Ask him if he really loves you and if so why he doesn’t tell you often?

No one wants to hear that they are a part time girlfriend but if you allow yourself to only get part of the guy you are in a relationship with, then that is the title you will end up with. Your vision of what you want for your future leaves no questions for your boyfriend to try to figure out. You have been honest and to the point. He knows what you want!

Unfortunately you may have been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to what he wants. Don’t get sucked in to his “maybes” or “later on down the road baby” comments that he throws out from time to time. You’re a smart girl, you know if he is really invested or not. Talking yourself into staying in this relationship because your biological clock is ticking away, is not being true to yourself. Don’t sell yourself short and miss out on the things you truly want. Go get them! Respect yourself & respect your time!

Don’t make a man “your everything” because you will have nothing left if your relationship falls apart. He should be a big part of your life but you are the main course. Never lose sight of who you are or settle for less than what you deserve.

I hope you figure things out and will keep in touch. Thanks for writing.

http://www.theswexperts.com/dear-sybersue-dont-lose-sleep-over-a-hot-cold-relationship-next/

Susan McCord is a Dating/Relationship/Lifestyle Blogger/Talk Show Host, Published Author, Advice Columnist, Interviewer & Certified Life Coach. She attended BCIT in Burnaby, B.C. for studies in Broadcasting. Susan is an Advice Columnist @ Dear Sybersue which is also the title of her book available at Amazon, Itunes, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble and many other book platforms.
Susan was recently named a VIP member of Worldwide Branding. This special distinction honors individuals who have shown exceptional commitment to achieving personal and professional success. Susan has devoted her career to helping others find happiness. Over the past decade she has established a stellar reputation as a sought-after dating & relationship expert, advice columnist, blogger & interviewer. She is best known for hosting a lifestyle talk show for an International audience on YouTube and has garnered more than 1.4 million views which consists of interviews, dating/relationship/lifestyle advice & comical skits. She is also an EXPERT Writer & Dating Adviser at examiner.com. She makes you think!

 

Dear Sybersue; My Boyfriend of 10 Months is Showing Signs of Freezing me Out!

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Dear Sybersue;
My Boyfriend of 10 Months is Showing Signs of Freezing me Out!

I am a 30 yr old, well employed, very socially active and independent woman. My boyfriend of 10 months is showing signs of freezing me out. This concerns me since it is right before a one year marker in our relationship which many guys feel the pressure of these days.

I’ll include a bit about our pasts to help your response. 

Andrew is 10 years older than I am but our time spent together is never stressed by the age difference.  He took care of his sick mother since he was a child and also starting working at 15 to help pay the household bills.  He later became a police officer & but recently retired & now receives a pension. He is currently working at a construction job.

A short time ago he told me he doesn’t believe in marriage.  Please note that he was hurt badly by some evil woman that continually pestered him about marriage. They eventually got engaged and shortly after found out she was pregnant. He soon discovered she had been unfaithful and slept with someone else.  She ending up having an abortion without ever knowing whose child it was or giving Andrew any choice in the matter.  He was pretty crushed knowing it could have been his son/daughter.

Back to us…we spend almost every weekend together when we are not working. I’m fine doing nothing at all and just enjoying a meal at his place. (He cooks for me often.)  I’m happy joining him for outdoor trips and he enjoys going out dancing with me. He introduced me to his entire family after 4 months of us dating & I’ve also met his best friends. Everyone tells us they love us together!

Where I am feeling this “relationship freeze” the most is with our sex life.  Andrew has been very removed & is less interested sexually these past few months.  I started to think maybe he was interested in another woman! I have expressed my concerns to him & questioned his fidelity.  His response was he is not happy with his position in life and financially he doesn’t have his future secured.

He stated because he knows I love him and I deserve so much, he has not wanted sex! He says women get that “in love feeling” from sex, and he doesn’t want me to expect that from him!

We don’t go out on date nights anymore, but we still spend weekends together. He is still very sweet to me but the sex has been restricted to once a week or less now. I’m in no rush to get married but I do love him and I’d be really happy if we did tie the knot one day. Many of his friends have mentioned that they thought Andrew was hurt and bitter from his past relationship breakup but what if he really does have ice in his heart and there is irreparable damage?

Should I just stick it out? He told me if I want to leave he wishes me the best and that I am a wonderful woman.

Reading this over it does seem obvious that if I did break up with him he would not put up a fight to keep me in his life.  Do you think he is freezing me out slowly so I will be the one to leave? Do you think he is testing me to see how long I’d stick with him without a ring? Please help!!

Thank you, Kim

Dear Kim,

Your boyfriend has a few demons in his closet which probably stems from being a fatherless child that had to nurture his mother, rather than having his mother nurture him. I don’t know anything about his dad as you didn’t mention it, but Andrew may also be dealing with some abandonment issues. He was also cheated on and dumped by a girl that he was engaged to, and who shut him out of making any decisions regarding her pregnancy. This was just another heart break scenario in his long list of past emotions haunting him.

(Also, many policemen learn to shut down their feelings due to all the trauma they witness on the job. It can be very difficult for some of them to open up.)

You are absolutely right that he is removing himself of any major commitment with you. This is a common scenario with some men who have a fear of love and long term relationships. The problem is they start out really sincere showing they are into a partnership by introducing you to their family & friends, and then start pulling away after the 6 month mark because they freak themselves out!  I think for the most part they are initially into trying to make it work but then those rooted doubts come back once again to make them pull away. It can be a vicious circle until they realize what they are doing and get some professional help.

When a man tells a woman something that he is feeling, she needs to really listen to what he is saying rather than trying to read between the lines with her own version. He is losing interest in sex which is not a good situation if the relationship is healthy. Of course women put sex and love into the same scenario when they are in a relationship and the fact that he said he doesn’t want sex due to that reason should be a relationship deal breaker. That is a pretty loud statement & very hurtful. He also told you that he understands if you want to leave, as he knows you want more than he is able to give you. Has he told you he loves you?

I am not sure why money is an issue if he is getting a pension & working at a construction job too? Could this be an excuse? I think you really know the answer to your own question here Kim, and I know how hurtful it is to realize your relationship could be over soon. He really needs to talk to someone as he sounds a bit depressed and that he has given up on having love in his life.

My advice to you would be; if he is willing to seek professional help you give it a few more months, but if he refuses, then it is time for you to find happiness somewhere else. You deserve a “Loving” partnership, not a one sided “companion” without love and limited sex.  Don’t ever settle for someone, always respect yourself first!

If this is meant to be, he will realize it by not letting you go. Right now you are making it easy for him because you are the one making all the sacrifices.  Is that what you really want long term? I don’t think you do or you wouldn’t be writing me. You know what is important to you and you can have it by believing you deserve it.

Sending you hugs, Sybersue

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Dear Sybersue,

Thanks for your reply. Well he has said he loves me “once,” but he tells me he cares for me all the time. When this issue was first brought up he asked me “don’t I show you that I love you by my actions?” Sadly perhaps you’re correct, he may be making excuses. I wish I knew a way to convince him to talk to a professional. We communicate and share so much but I do believe he uses me as a therapist at times.

His father was a drunk, very abusive and in fact the main reason his mother is not well! This also was the reason Andrew became a provider at such a young age.

I feel because I love him I want to fix him. I want him to know that there are people out there like me that won’t abandon or hurt him. He acknowledges he has some problems. When he says he’s fine with me leaving due to these issues, it seems like a cop out to just give up again.

I’m not perfect; I’ve been hurt, abandoned, and yes broken hearted. I did in fact see a therapist for 2 yrs but I still have no clue how to sell a grown man to go in that direction.

Thank you again Sue! I can’t say I’m ready to jump out of this relationship but your insight has clarified my doubts of “what if.”

Sincerely, Kim

Dear Kim,

Thanks for writing back. Wow you both have been through a lot. This is probably the reason you found each other. “Like attracts like.” I think you nailed it when you said you want to “fix it” because this is what many women do! We are natural nurturers. The fact that you had some professional help for your own past is wonderful & because you know how helpful it was, makes you want to help fix him all the more!

Your BF has problems with loving people because there has been so much hurt in his life. Unfortunately it’s not unlike helping an alcoholic; they have to be ready to change. I wish I could give you more hope and better news but I think in this case the only way things will improve with you both, is if he gets some counseling.

Staying in this situation really gives you the short end of the stick. You sound like a very loving & caring woman who deserves more than this type of partnership. Ask yourself what you are getting out of it and be honest with yourself. Sometimes we hold on just because we think it is easier than starting over with someone else. He may be a test from the Universe to see if you have learned some things from your therapy.

You deserve someone who tells & shows you they love you every day. Once in 10 months is not enough. Why did he tell you he loved you if he doesn’t want you to have those reciprocated “in love” feelings? He is contradicting himself and sending you mixed messages. The first 2 years is supposed to be the best part of your relationship. Your 10 months together has been a teeter totter ride with you making all the compromises.

Wishing you clarity & love always.

 xo Sybersue