My Pregnancy Memoir: The Whole Truth & Nothing but the Truth!
When I talk to other women about their pregnancy days I often hear how precious and wonderful they were. Seriously??? I wish I knew how to glamorize those barf-filled days of morning sickness, painful nipples, emotional mood swings and hours of labour pains!
I have to say that my childbirth memories are as vivid today as they were many years ago! How could a woman ever forget?
OK, not everyone experienced my special moments of early motherhood but I am here to tell you the real truth about what happens in those 9 months for some of us.
I became pregnant when most women cannot conceive but I will spare you the details. I knew instantly when my size 36 A (if I pulled the straps tight) breasts turned into 38 C’s in a short amount of time! I could actually crack walnuts and open a beer with my cleavage!
This was incredible, and I made damn good use of my new talent. Tight t-shirts were my wardrobe staple until my tummy started to take over in the body bump department. This is when I had to wear the large sweatshirts that said “No I have not eaten my way through the Oreo cookie factory, there is a baby on board!”
At the 4-month mark of my pregnancy, I ended up moving to Texas from Vancouver, Canada, for my husband’s job. I was on leave from my flight attendant career. We decided to venture out on this new path and see how things went for 1 year.
Unfortunately, we didn’t know anyone in Dallas. I spent most days alone in our apartment trying to keep my food down, watching The Price is Right and fighting off the crickets that came in through the chimney! There are some big ass bugs down in Texas!
As a very social woman, it was such a lonely transition for me. I tried to have conversations with anyone who called the wrong number, the produce guy at Safeway and our poor mailman who obviously felt sorry for me. I even befriended a guy at our communal pool area who had just gotten out of jail for armed robbery! True story! (I definitely wasn’t bored on those afternoons!)
After the morning sickness ceased, I got back into my gym routine.
Most people had no idea I was pregnant at the gym. One guy did mention that I seemed to work out so hard, but wondered why I kept getting bigger. He suggested that maybe I should change my diet. Yes, that’s what he actually said! It was quite amusing when I returned to the gym after giving birth. He remarked, “Wow, that diet really worked, you’ve lost a lot of weight!” I just smiled.
I went to Lamaze class every Thursday and learned all sorts of things to be aware of during delivery:
It’s not scary at all to learn that I could have my “Who Ha” sliced and stitched. I might experience a forceps delivery or an upside-down baby (instead of sunny side up). The labour might be very long, and the transitional phase could turn women into Linda Blair from the Exorcist movie. I also could have an epidural with a foot long needle, an emergency C-section, and possibly a poop accident on the delivery table in front of the entire hospital staff!
Dr. Pickle, (yes, that was my doctor’s name) told me not to worry and that everything looked fine. I swear if they showed those Lamaze videos before women got pregnant, the population wouldn’t be as high. Just saying!!
So guess what?
All those things I mentioned above pretty much happened to me on delivery day, except for the C-section. Oh, and the poop part didn’t happen either. The doctor asked me if I had eaten anything before I got to the hospital. I had to own up that I had eaten an entire loaf of bread to try to calm down my stomach labour pains. (You know what I’m talking about; the whole comfort food kind of thing?) Nothing like having an enema with 10 interns looking on!
I did end up doing the Linda Blair thing on my husband when he decided to put his feet up and take an hour’s nap while I was doing that breathing thing that didn’t work. 28 hours after I got to the hospital, I finally had the epidural. Let me tell you, they were not kidding in Lamaze class when they said it was a foot-long needle!
9 hours later, yes count them, 9 more hours passed. I delivered an upside-down baby boy with the help of forceps. My “Who Ha” was cut. My not-so-funny husband was telling the doctor to put a few extra stitches in there. (Which I am pretty sure he had never heard before!) 🙄
Our baby boy was healthy. We were all amazed he didn’t have a cone head after trying to get out of my love canal for 37 hours. He was pretty cute, actually!
We moved back home to Vancouver a few months later, and I resumed my job at the airline.
Sadly, my husband and I ended up separating when my son was 18 months old. I became a single mom until he moved out at 19.
There are many stories in those years that I could tell you about. Especially the teenage years! One is about my son, who grew marijuana in his toy box for 2 years. My police dog nose did not pick up on it at all! Another memorable moment is how I met the neighbour because of a party my son had when I was away for work one night. There was barf (I do seem to love this word) dripping down her windows from kids throwing up over my balcony!
Yes, it will become my next book one day…
Today, my son is an executive chef and is doing very well. We are close and always have been with the exception of the shithead teenage years, ages 15-19. He is my sun, moon and universe and I am very proud of him and who he has become as a young man today.
My son came into my life for a reason and it was a powerful one. He has taught me a lot about love and who I am.
I remarried 12 years ago to an amazing man. I quit my job as a flight attendant. I started my Dating/Relationship Advice show. I published a book. I became a certified dating coach and an advice columnist/blogger! I love my new life in my 50’s!
Ohhhh and to top it all off, my boobs are back to an almost perky 36A and my “Who Ha” is just fine thanks to Dr. Pickle and keeping up my Kegel exercises! (Sorry that’s probably too much information, just as this whole article probably is too!)
All this bitching aside, would I do it all over again? Of friggen course, I would! Pregnancy and motherhood are not easy, but it is the best gift life has to offer. Although, I now understand why God gave women the Uterus! I don’t know any man who could get through one menstrual cycle, let alone 9 months of pregnancy.
We really are one strong group of amazing women and our children better kiss our slowly drooping ass for the rest of our lives. They owe us big time!
Moms rule and always will!
Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
