Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?

How many of you women out there have had to deal with this scenario? “Why is my Boyfriend so Defensive? Is He Hiding Something?”

Dear Sybersue,

Things have changed so much in the last few months between my boyfriend and I! He seems to be angry about something but won’t open up completely with me. I am not sure whether he is internalizing a problem and trying to deal with it on his own, or whether he is slowly pulling back from our relationship??

I don’t want to keep harassing him with questions and I am hoping that this is just a moody phase that will fizzle out. His defensiveness is very disturbing as it seems to be the way he reacts to anything I ask him or even with the simplest conversations I have with him!

Is he questioning our relationship and doesn’t have patience with us as a couple anymore? How do I handle this without becoming defensive myself? We live together and I get a little anxious about coming home these days.

Thanks Sybersue

Teri

Hi Teri,

Yes, things have definitely shifted in your partnership. He is holding onto something that has happened either to himself or within the dynamics of you as a couple. Can you think of anything that transpired a few months ago when his defensive attitude started?

Did you have a situation where the trust in your relationship was tarnished to some degree? A jealous scenario maybe? Is he having trouble at work that he may be hiding from you?

Whatever is going on with him you can’t live this way forever.

He needs to tell you what is he is feeling so that you can try to fix the problem together or move on so that you can both be happy. Chalking it up to him being in a moody phase isn’t good because you are taking a back seat to the respect you deserve! You are a couple and it’s not just all about him.

Having to walk on eggshells around your partner is not a healthy environment and will play havoc on your self-esteem!

I would ask him the tough questions that you may not have asked for fear of hearing something you don’t want to hear. Don’t live in denial!

If there has been a change of heart in your partnership, do you really want to spend another few years with someone who has removed himself romantically and emotionally from you?

Communication is everything in a relationship and because your boyfriend has shut down, he is pushing you further away with every defensive comment. That isn’t fair to you and he needs to be honest and share what he is thinking and feeling with you as his partner.

Maybe you could suggest a counselor or coach that you could go to as a couple or he might prefer to go on his own for a few sessions first? If he has no interest in repairing or acknowledging this defensive problem, then you will have to make some tough decisions for yourself.

Don’t let someone else’s moods dictate your own happiness, you’re worth more than that. You shouldn’t have to feel anxious in your own home.

Let me know how things go Teri. Please keep me posted!

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