Dear Sybersue answers Debbie’s question: Why Do Guys Flirt With My Friends But Ignore me?
Dear Sybersue,
Every time I go out for a girls night, guys will come over to talk & flirt with my friends and barely acknowledge me. I’m attractive and friendly but they always seem to zero in on one or two of my friends and take over the evening.
This also happens when I am out for the night with just one friend, which is even more uncomfortable! Isn’t this considered bad manners and rude behavior? I wouldn’t think of turning my back on someone and would include everyone in the conversation!
I try not to let it bother me but it has happened a fair bit in the last year and some of my other girlfriends are complaining about the same thing when they go out as well.
What am I doing wrong and why are some men oblivious to women’s feelings?
Debbie
Dear Debbie,
I do know what you are talking about because I have experienced this back in my single days as well. When there is alcohol involved it can definitely change the dynamics of the evening. Nothing like “investing in a little liquid courage” to approach a group of women.
The big problem is that with that courage, brings confidence that isn’t always in the “proper etiquette” category. It’s more in the “what have I got to lose” category!
Chivalry?? What’s that?
But the even bigger problem here is that there needs to be boundaries with your friends on these girls nights. No one should have to go home feeling invisible and sad from spending a lonely evening being left out once again.
Your friendship comes first over some guy you just met that night!
Women always need to have each other’s backs and some rules should be put in place before you venture out for the evening.
- Discuss whether you will agree to allow men to join your group or sit at your table, or if this is a closed or special girls night only.
- When men approach your circle, ensure that everyone is introduced and included in the conversation.
- Let each other know if you are interested in a guy who has come over to mingle. If all of you are attracted to the same guy, this could cause a big problem.
- Never leave with someone without informing the other ladies!
- Pay attention to any red flags and make sure you express these concerns with your friends. Safety first ladies!
- If someone becomes obnoxious or nasty to any girl in your group, band together to get him/them to leave right away. There is no shame in asking the manager of the establishment for help.
- Be aware of guys ordering drinks on your tab. Make sure the server is aware they are not a part of your group.
“I remember many years ago when a friend and I went to New York together and she ended up back in our hotel room with a guy she had met. She had known I was getting a ride back from another friend within 10 mins after she left but she didn’t tell me she was bringing anyone back with her.
She turned on the inside lock so my key couldn’t open the door. I had to sit out in the lobby of the hotel for over an hour because she wouldn’t let me in. She yelled out through the door to give her some time! I wasn’t going to go wandering about NYC by myself late at night.
Why didn’t we have any reciprocated boundaries set in place, especially being in a different city? Why did she disrespect me and shut me out of our shared accommodations? Why did she put me in an unsafe scenario? Why didn’t she go to his place?“
Debbie, because you often end up feeling excluded at these girls nights, you might need to make more of an effort with people who come over to chat. There could be something that your body language is giving off that you are not aware of.
Some people just don’t appear receptive towards others which could be due to shyness, lack of confidence or an annoyance to being interrupted on your girls night. Whatever the case, it will be a repellent to many guys who take the chance to venture over.
Ask your friends how you come across when you are out for the evening? Are you warm and fuzzy or removed and a little standoffish with people?
Adding a little humor to a conversation will always get you noticed. Everyone likes to laugh and have a good time. Having a fun personality goes a long way in a group setting! It’s not all about just being attractive.
I agree that it can appear rude when some guys come over to your girl’s group and start to take over the night. They also need to have some boundaries with how they approach the situation. They should be mindful of being polite to all of the ladies and not turn their back to the girls they’re not drawn towards!
Unfortunately, we are not in control of how someone else behaves and we only have ourselves to rely on for the most part. Don’t let others ruin your evening, take charge of what you would like to happen and make it happen.
You’re the one managing who you allow in on your friend’s list and if you are continually struggling with these girls, then maybe it is time to change what isn’t really working for you anymore. This isn’t a bad thing, it is just part of making some mature life decisions and understanding what is really important to you.
You may find that girl’s nights just aren’t your thing and you’d rather stay away from the bar scene for a while. It’s always a good thing to alter your environment every so often. It can take you from a place of feeling stuck to enjoying something new that adds a different element to your life.
Friendship is important but respecting yourself and being happy is crucial to your well being and self-esteem. Taking a time-out will often give you clarity as to what is going on. It may be the Universe’s way of sending you in a healthier direction that is better suited for your future.
Sybersue xo
Has something like this happened to you? How did you deal with it? Please watch the video above and leave your comments below!
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