Collaborative Post: Keeping Things Equal In A Relationship

Close-up of Couple Holding Hands

Plenty of people have trouble keeping things equal in their relationship from level of control to decision-making. Often, the partner that is naturally more powerful begins to take over all the decisions and, consciously or subconsciously starts to exert control. This is never going to be a healthy situation, and it can lead to one person in the relationship feeling completely helpless and pushed down. That doesn’t always mean that there are issues like abuse or manipulation but even the scales shifting slightly in one direction can lead to trouble. So, how do you keep things equal?

Encourage Give And Take

People often look at relationships where turns are taken from choosing where to go on holiday to choosing what to watch on TV that night as rather silly. But actually, this is quite a healthy situation to be in where each partner is happy to give and take so that both can get what they need. You might think that you can just make these decisions together, but that’s not always possible because opposites to tend to attract. This means that what you want to do one evening might be nothing like what your partner wants. So, the best way to fix this is with a little schedule of some sort.

Relationships tend to break down when one partner begins to make all the decisions. Suddenly, one of the two people will feel as though they are not living their own life, but rather a role in someone else’s story.

Sharing Choices

Of course, in some cases, it will be possible to make decisions together, and this can begin and the start of the relationship. For instance, you might decide what restaurant to eat at on your first date together, rather than one person setting up the night for the other. Later on, it could be present in the choice of engagement ring. You might decide to choose it together, despite traditionally this being a gift from one person to the other. According to http://yourdiamondguru.com/reviews/ritani-review/, there are great options if you do decide you want to choose the engagement ring together. This sharing of power keeps things equal even in a situation where it is predominantly, one person’s decision.

If you find that you aren’t naturally finding yourself in situations where you can share choices, it again suggests one person has more control over the other. This will lead to animosity and usually the person being controlled will begin to push away, perhaps exploring alternative partnerships.

Discussions Are A Positive

You might think that if you find yourself constantly disagreeing with your partner, it’s a sign that your relationship is unhealthy. But that’s not true because as we’ve already mentioned, opposites tend to go together. You can read more about choosing a partner on http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lena-aburdene-derhally/. The true defining point of the relationship is seeing how far those discussions go. If they evolve into fully heated screaming matches, there’s an issue. But debating points of view and then accepting differences in opinion is a sign that things are healthy.

One thing you shouldn’t do is avoid talking about sensitive topics. This is just going to cover up a potential issue. Eventually, you’ll find that by avoiding these types of topics, you will reach a boiling point and a serious argument will erupt seemingly from nowhere. Of course, this is due to the fact that all the little issues that aren’t being talked about are bubbling underneath the service.

Small Gestures Matter

As people always say, the devil is in the little details, and it’s the small gestures that matter most when it comes down to it. This could be anything from helping bring in the shopping to doing the washing up together, rather than leaving it to one person. Little gestures like this are the foundation of a firm relationship where each partner feels equal to the other.

If one partner is constantly putting in all the effort, the relationship isn’t healthy. They might again, begin to look to other people to provide the level of comfort and support that their partner should provide.

We hope this helps shed some light on how to keep things equal in a relationship and why not doing so could ultimately lead to your partnership breaking apart.

Man and Woman Boat Rowing in Sea during Golden Hour

 

Are you Choosing Unhealthy Relationships due to Your Childhood Issues?

In today’s video above Dear Sybersue discusses relationship patterns that may need changing due to unhealthy childhood memories.

  • Is there always a lot of drama or repetition in your partnerships or dating scenarios??
  • Does your partner remind you of things in your past that were hurtful, abusive or sad within your family?
  • Are there characteristics in your partner that remind you of either of your parents? Are they overly controlling, possessive or emotionally unavailable?

People tend to be creatures of habit and wander towards familiar environments which aren’t necessarily a safe or happy place to be.

Break ups happen because that person wasn’t right for you. You are meant to learn from the demise of it and move on to a more fulfilling partnership. But…unfortunately many people repeat the same mistakes and go back for more of the same thing because it is what they know!

Staying in these type of situations is one of the biggest reasons many men & women spend so much time dealing with low self esteem and self doubt in all aspects of their lives.

Your partner is supposed to be an extension of the incredible person that you are; not take away from who you are.

If you are constantly putting yourself in these hot & cold, loveless relationships because this is familiar to you from your past family life, you may need to talk to a counselor or  therapist to help you through this repetitive cycle.

Sometimes you just can’t do it alone and it is a strength to be able to admit this to yourself. ❤

Once you analyze & start to understand why you make certain relationship choices, it is much easier to find real love and end up on a happier path. Childhood drama in ingrained in our hearts, body and soul; it is not an easy thing to erase overnight and asking for help to make these changes is a good thing.

Susan McCord @ facebook/dearsybersue
Dear Sybersue @ youtube/dearsybersue
Blogs& Advice Column @ sybersue.com

Relationships: Does Your Partner Talk Down to you or Try to Squash you?

In the video above Dear Sybersue talks about “your” relationship. Is it balanced and healthy or does your partner belittle you and try to squash who you are as a person?

A partnership needs to be nurtured with encouragement & love! There is no place for negative comments or ridiculing in a relationship. One sided relationships need to be addressed and the communication between a couple should never be put on the back burner.

When you ignore the big red flags in your life you are not in alignment with yourself and your needs. Don’t let things go past the point of trying to repair your relationship. Sharing & reciprocating your feelings with your partner will at least give you some clarity on what is really going on with the two of you.

Don’t ever be afraid to have respect for yourself. Your relationship should be your safe place; free of drama, anxiety and negativity.

Susan McCord @facebook.com/dearsybersue

youtube.com/dearsybersue

Should You Tell Your BFF that Her Boyfriend is a Douche?

 

Dear Sybersue discusses the question: Should you tell your BFF that her boyfriend is  really an assh@le? No one likes him but she doesn’t know that. She thinks her boyfriend is great even though he is aggressive, controlling and abusive!

Would you intervene?

Should you?

Whenever there is a question regarding safety or abuse with someone, it is always important to help out your friends & family by acknowledging your concerns. No one wants to be “the snitch” or “that person” that comes across as interfering, but sometimes it is necessary to be the person who does this.

Love really can be blind which makes some people ignore the red flags in front of them. They don’t actually see the real person and who they are in a relationship with. Lust can do powerful things to a woman and not always in a good way.

We all need a little guidance at certain times in our lives and being a BFF to someone means having to talk about the hard things occasionally as well. It is all about how you deliver the warning to your friend and how gentle you are about it. Being too critical will put them on the defensive and have the opposite effect. Give them some examples that makes them aware of what you have noticed about their unhealthy relationship.

We all know the stories of the friendships that end because of this type of situation but a true and loyal friend will understand how much you love them to put yourself in this uncomfortable predicament. Real friendship isn’t only about the good things, it also includes being true to them when things need to be addressed.

Reply from a YouTube Viewer Below:

The Gman

I tend to agree and I’m a guy. About six months I told my sister she’s dating a complete waste of time. Granted he wasn’t violent, but he’s lazy, self entitled, doesn’t like our once a week family dinners, hangs out with losers, he’s self employed but doesn’t want to work hard, everything is bare minimum and when my sister mentioned marriage and kids he flipped out and told her that’s just too much right now…
So I finally decided to have a chat with her and burst her bubble, she’s been seeing him for about 2 years, she thinks the sun shines out of his… anyway, she certainly didn’t like what I said, she didn’t like me for about two months, it was just icy between us. She thought I was being too harsh on him but couldn’t really explain why…
From my perspective I think some people, unfortunately more so the ladies and probably some men too, go through a denial when it comes to the person they are with, placing them in an elevated position where they don’t belong in the first place, these “lofty” positions need to be earned not just given from day one because the guy knows how to comb his hair. I think my sis has self confidence issues and this guy for what its worth isn’t bad looking but then, that’s pretty useless if he’s deficient in every other way, and isn’t that how it seems to go, you want brains… you have to compromise on the looks or you want looks… you compromise on the brains.
Long story short, this guy calls her on the phone… (not face to face) tells her he’s overwhelmed and cant commit to her and basically its over. Out of everyone in our family who chose to say nothing (though they all knew), she came to me first.
She told me she knew I was right but she didn’t want to accept it, so on this basis I do agree with you, we all have freedom of speech and can respectfully give our opinion. I sat her down and I told her I’ll never mention it again but this is how I feel and I also think its worth nothing its important to only tell them once and not harp on about it as this respects their choice; or else you soon become public enemy number 1 and that’s not good either.

Susan McCord @  The Dear Sybersue Talk Show
Facebook: facebook.com/dearsybersue
Blog & Video:  sybersue.com

 

Dear Sybersue: Why are Men and Women Becoming so Angry when it Comes to Dating?

 

Dear Sybersue,

I am a 28 year old single guy who is above average looking and very fit! I have a great job that pays well and I live on my own in a trendy area of Vancouver, Canada. That all sounds good I know, but the reason I am writing is because I can’t seem to meet a woman who doesn’t have baggage or a sour outlook on men in general.

But that’s not all…

I hear my guy friends complaining all the time that women are either too independent or too high maintenance! They are turning into angry guys when it comes to dating or relationships and it’s not much fun going out with them these days. They just sit there harshly criticizing any woman who walks into the room! I admit I am not always positive about things but this is really starting to get to me! It doesn’t end here though as even my female friends are now constantly bitching about guys as well!

How did we get here?

I used to think it was just a Vancouver thing, but I often travel for work in the U.S. and it seems like the same problems exist in many of the big cities there as well. People are becoming so self absorbed and it is scary how cold we are acting towards each other. I am not a shy guy and usually have no problem opening up to women but this attitude is making me back away from even wanting to be in a relationship! I blame online dating sites for this because it has made both men and women so lazy when it comes to meeting someone in person.

What do you suggest?

Nathan

Hi Nathan,

Thanks for writing and it is nice to hear from a man in my own city! I couldn’t agree more with you about what is going on with men and women today! This is one of the reasons I decided to do a video on the topic. It really saddens me how angry some people have become when it concerns matters of the heart. Things are very different in the dating world and it really depends on how we individually cope with these changes rather than all fall into a negative place. So far we are not handling it well and things have almost become competitive between men and women!

Women have fought for a very long time to be accepted in the workforce, politics and many other areas where they were shunned from acceptance for hundreds of years. It is a new world but both sexes have not learned how to handle the equal power shift. Some women take it too far and come across controlling and some men are still from the old school where they think women should be in career status or “wifely duties.”

With any big change there is an adjustment period but there is always some good that comes out of it. Men are fighting back in divorce court and obtaining their rights financially and as fathers with child custody and better visitation with their children. Women are finally getting paid the same amount for the same job as their male colleagues, which is also a great change. Now we just need to get both sexes talking and appreciating each other!

So what can you do to change this for yourself Nathan?

1. Stand out and be different from everyone else. Be that fun guy that people want to be around.
2. Don’t let other people’s negativity make you negative.
3. Stop going out with the guys that are being nasty towards women and find other non judgmental people to socialize with.
4. Vancouver has numerous meet-up groups that are always short of men! I go to a few myself and there are some amazing ladies in the room! It is less intimidating for women to meet a guy in a causal setting than in some obvious pickup venue.
5. Start talking to women everywhere you go; a smile and a hello goes a lot further than you think. If they ignore you that’s their problem. Don’t make it yours. Continuing to be friendly and personal, will open up the communication lines and at the very least put you in a better head space.
6. When your buddies start talking crap about women, take the opposite approach and turn the conversation around into a positive direction. Misery loves company and if you don’t partake in their rants, they will eventually stop doing it in front of you.

Don’t ever give up on love. If it were always easy to find, it wouldn’t be as valuable. Meeting someone to have as a life-long partner is not a simple task and nor should it be. It is a journey with lots of forks in the road which is the pattern of life in general. (Understanding early which path to take, will make life less stressful.) Keep believing, stay optimistic and remove yourself away from people that bring you down. Changing your environment will bring you healthy rewards.

Let me know how things go Nathan!

Dear Sybersue                                                                                                                             

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