How Do I Prevent Losing My Independence in Another Relationship?

How Do I Prevent Losing My Independence in Another Relationship?

Dear Sybersue, 

Why do I keep getting myself into relationships where I lose myself in the process? Why do I end up being there for everything that concerns my partner’s needs while I put myself on the back burner?

This isn’t the first time I have done this and eventually the relationship ends which I assume is due to me being a doormat.  Why can’t I seem to respect myself enough to push my own needs ahead of my partner once in awhile?

Thanks for any advice you have!

Carrie

Hi Carrie,

Thanks so much for your question. There are many other men and women that would like to know the answer to this as well.

Some people are givers and some people are takers and we all know what category you fall into. This is not a bad thing and it just needs to be “tweeked a little” so that your relationship isn’t one sided all the time.

A partner should be an extension of who you are not take away from the person you are.

A great relationship is one where you are both there for each other but you still have your own dreams, goals and separate interests. Of course you should always have each other’s back and support them, but never give up who you are as person for someone else.

Think about this; would you want your partner attached to your hip at every given moment?

After awhile that would get very old and you would start to feel smothered. It is wonderful to have their respect and know that they love you “that much,” but there still needs to be some breathing room in your relationship.

(This also could be a codependent issue where you may need to talk to a therapist about some past issues you may not be aware of or have pushed aside.)

Carrie, you need to get busy with your own life and stop focusing on him so much. Your partner will be much more attracted to you when you are enjoying yourself and adding some diversity to you as a couple.

You will have new things to talk about and to share with each other. It’s not all about just one person and if they are happy or not.

You need to be happy too!

Start making plans to get out a few times a week with friends or take a course that interests you. Mark dates on the calendar so that it forces you to commit to something outside your house that doesn’t involve your partner.

You will notice an improvement in your home life after a short time because it will “center you” and put a new spring in your step because you are doing something worthwhile for you!

Hallelujah!

Your partner will enjoy seeing this side of you and it will slowly start to change the dynamics of who you are as a couple. This is a good thing because you are now in a reciprocated relationship where you “both” have interesting things to talk about.

Please watch the video above and let me know how things go in the next while.

Sybersue ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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How Can I Trust my Judgement in Men When I Was So Wrong in Choosing My Ex?

How Can I Trust my Judgement in Men When I Was So Wrong in Choosing My Ex?

In today’s video Dear Sybersue discusses Cindy’s relationship question:

Dear Sybersue,

“How do I get over a past relationship and learn to trust myself again. How could I have been so wrong with choosing a partner that turned out to be such a bad relationship for me?

How do I trust my own judgement again? This isn’t the first time I have had to deal with this. I don’t want to end up in another drama filled scenario, what can I do to change this?” 

Thank you, Cindy 

Dear Cindy,

Ahhhh if we only had 100% clarity on all things in life…Unfortunately this is not the case and sometimes we are left all alone trying to figure it out;  hopefully without repeating the same continual drama in our lives.

But guess what? You’re not alone!

We ALL go through hurtful stuff but it is how we deal with this steaming pile of crap, that will move us faster up the ladder to “getting where we need to be” in this world of ongoing lessons!

Cindy, you have the ultimate say on who you attract and more importantly with whom you allow into your life as a partner. Saying that; once you take responsibility with the  part you played in this past relationship, it will help you understand these questioning trust issues you have.

You are probably thinking;  “What’s she talking about??? “I didn’t play any games or act any weird way, I was just being myself!” 

I am sure you were just being yourself  but maybe there is something you aren’t really paying close attention to. You might not trust yourself because you are burying a past hurt or you have some long standing emotional issues you have ignored up until now.

If anything in your life is repetitive drama or consists of any toxic behavior you have to fix it! The trouble is, most of us are afraid to open Pandora’s box for fear of what we may find inside about ourselves!

You don’t have to figure this out alone; in fact I would strongly suggest that you don’t.

It may be time to talk to a professional who can help you get to the bottom of the why you have stopped trusting your own judgment and get you onto a healthier path.

The good news is you are acknowledging that there is a problem by writing me and understanding that something needs to change.

Go girl! You are half way there to changing your life. 

Susan McCord (aka Dear Sybersue)

The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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My In-laws are Causing Problems in my Relationship!

My In-laws are Causing Problems in my Relationship!

Dear Sybersue discusses one of the biggest relationship problems of all…Dealing with the In-laws!

Your own family isn’t always compatible but what happens when you don’t get along with your partners family? What is they key to keeping your relationship healthy when there is constant drama within the in-law dynamics?

Is there a jealousy or control issue? Why wouldn’t everyone want to get along?

Have you discussed this problem with your  partner and do they hear your concerns? A relationship consists of many different compromises but you have to hear what is being said to keep it in a happy place.

Are you keeping things to yourself so you don’t rock the boat? Do you think that if you stay quiet about your true feelings about your in-laws or how you are being treated that this will save your relationship?

Don’t be afraid to open up and talk about things rather than pretending it’s OK in family land. It will eventually eat at your inner core and self worth which will start to show in other ways.

Ignoring or shrugging off family issues because you think this is a common occurrence and they need to just suck it up, is not the answer. Believe it or not, there are many couples who get along famously with their in-laws! It’s not all doom and gloom and they can be a wonderful addition to the family you already have, or may have lost along the way.

You and your partner fell in love for a reason and you need to be there for each other every step of the way. Don’t shut them out if they are sharing their emotional stress with you. They need to know you care and that you are hearing what they say.

You may not realize that your parents have a problem with your partner; as they may not behave negatively towards them in front of you. There are always two sides to a story so make sure you hear both of them before you pass judgment.

There may be a very simple misunderstanding that could be fixed.

Whatever the case, validate your partners concerns and get to the root of the issue. It’s worth it and may save your marriage. Repetitive family problems can break up even the strongest relationships over time. Don’t let that happen to you. ❤

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

 

Save Your Relationship: Fight the Problem not Each Other!

Save Your Relationship: Fight the Problem not Each Other!

Dear Sybersue discusses relationship problems that can be solved through love and communication! Pick your battles and stop sweating the small stuff!

There will always be issues to deal with in your partnership but many of them can be managed before they escalate into destroying your relationship.

Why do some couples keep rehashing the same old argument or keep looking for a new one? Are they looking for a fight due to boredom?

Why not try to spice up the relationship in other ways that don’t include a heated argument? Defuse the conflict early and put that energy into something that brings you closer, like great makeup sex!  Remember those days???

Making love is the the glue of most successful long term partnerships!

The more drama you allow into your relationship the less chance you will have to make it work long term. It’s not easy being with the same person for many years but with a little low maintenance action it can be a loving and healthy environment that you enjoy coming home to.

There are men and women who truly love their spouses right up until their 60th wedding anniversary because they made it work and put each other first through all those years together. When you unconditionally respect your partner it is easy to hold on to the love you feel for each other because you grow together rather than grow apart. You like each other and appreciate one another.

It is actually a simple equation but so many couples complicate it until the demise of their relationship is before them.

Please watch the video above and leave your comments below this post on what has or hasn’t worked for you in your own home. Your words may able to help someone else out there. 🙂

Susan McCord @ youtube.com/dearsybersue

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Are you Choosing Unhealthy Relationships due to Your Childhood Issues?

In today’s video above Dear Sybersue discusses relationship patterns that may need changing due to unhealthy childhood memories.

  • Is there always a lot of drama or repetition in your partnerships or dating scenarios??
  • Does your partner remind you of things in your past that were hurtful, abusive or sad within your family?
  • Are there characteristics in your partner that remind you of either of your parents? Are they overly controlling, possessive or emotionally unavailable?

People tend to be creatures of habit and wander towards familiar environments which aren’t necessarily a safe or happy place to be.

Break ups happen because that person wasn’t right for you. You are meant to learn from the demise of it and move on to a more fulfilling partnership. But…unfortunately many people repeat the same mistakes and go back for more of the same thing because it is what they know!

Staying in these type of situations is one of the biggest reasons many men & women spend so much time dealing with low self esteem and self doubt in all aspects of their lives.

Your partner is supposed to be an extension of the incredible person that you are; not take away from who you are.

If you are constantly putting yourself in these hot & cold, loveless relationships because this is familiar to you from your past family life, you may need to talk to a counselor or  therapist to help you through this repetitive cycle.

Sometimes you just can’t do it alone and it is a strength to be able to admit this to yourself. ❤

Once you analyze & start to understand why you make certain relationship choices, it is much easier to find real love and end up on a happier path. Childhood drama in ingrained in our hearts, body and soul; it is not an easy thing to erase overnight and asking for help to make these changes is a good thing.

Susan McCord @ facebook/dearsybersue
Dear Sybersue @ youtube/dearsybersue
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Dear Sybersue ~ I Have no Tolerance for Relationship Red Flags! NEXT!

Relationship Red Flags are warning signs that your date or partner puts out that should make your intuitive antenna stand to attention!

This topic may seem like a never ending discussion but there is a reason for that!  Many people continue to ignore those “spidey senses” or better known as their gut intuition.   People are more willing to settle now due to the difficulty in meeting someone today and will overlook many of the obvious red flag obstacles.  We are all stuck behind our careers, computers & smart phones which makes it harder to have face to face connections but that doesn’t mean we should become ignorant about things!

The 10 Most Obvious Red Flags Not To Be Overlooked In The Early Stages Of A Relationship:

• Possessiveness
• They say they are going to call & don’t.
• They are always late  (A clear indication that their time is more important than yours.)
• Lying (about their age, job, their single status, or their past.)
• They use a lot of sarcasm!
• They have no friends or talk negatively about the few they do have.
• They have a large checklist!
• They do not divulge anything about themselves on a personal level.
• Promotes them self & asks little about you.
• Extremely defensive & invalidates your opinions or views.

Red Flags in a Relationship

Red Flags in a Relationship

Here Are Some Of The Most Common Red Flags:

1) Someone who make excuses why they are too busy to get together when the real reason is ~ they just aren’t that into you but want to keep their options open.  Please watch this video about “Taking a break in a relationship”

2) They pick a fight with you so they can go to Vegas or other weekend ventures with their friends.

3) They often call you for late night booty calls.

4) They call you last minute for a date on a Friday/Saturday night! (How far down the dating list were you?)

5) Still living at home with mama after 25 & they are not in University.

6) They are constantly jealous. This is often because of what they are doing or thinking behind your back.

7) They regularly use humor at your expense. This is a huge sign of insecurity and you should run as fast as you can. No one should use you as their means of so called humor.

8) Ladies: If your date shows up with a station wagon and child seats, make sure he really is single!

9) Constantly talking about an EX.

10) Easily angered all the time, abusive to restaurant staff or has road rage on a regular basis.

11) Men: Gold diggers are pretty obvious, so make sure she is worth every penny of your reputation! You may think you look good with her on your arm but the whole world knows why she is there. (If that is OK with you, milk it for every cent it is going to cost you!)

12) People who say they are separated but you can’t call them at work or home & you never get to go to their place. (They communicate through texting & when you do get a phone call they sound like they are in the shower ~ bathrooms are a cheaters favorite location!)

13) If they tell you their relationship is over but they can’t leave their situation right now.  If they can’t put them self out there 100%, they shouldn’t be dating and you shouldn’t date them hoping things will improve.

14) Anyone who neglects their children “for you” shows their true colors very early.  Children should always come first or at least close to an equal priority. Deadbeat parents are not acceptable.

15) Ladies, unless you like cross dressers, coming across any female underwear in their bachelor home is the biggest red flag you will ever have in front of your face.

16) They have a dog or pet that takes priority in their bed over you. (They even have their own pillow!)

17) “In” fast usually means “Out” fast ~ watch how quickly they promise you the world.

18) They are secretive about things, especially their past.

Recognizing & acknowledging the smaller red flags during the early stages of a relationship & discussing them, can help make the relationship better understood. Not all red flags mean the demise of a relationship but your morals & boundaries should not be compromised.

Some red flags should never be ignored or overlooked and should be addressed without naivety or ignorance. Violence, uncontrolled anger and rage, drinking and drug abuse, persistent gambling, or infidelities during the early stages of a relationship are signs that the relationship should be terminated.

Too many of us waste time trying to believe in someone because we don’t want to be alone. Why do we do that to ourselves?  Believe in yourself first & know that you are worthy of a loving partnership.  Learn from each relationship or situation to better yourself & your choices in the future.  Repetitive patterns and allowing these red flag scenarios will keep you in abusive & drama filled situations.  When you come to terms with your insecurities that are allowing these type of relationships to happen, you will start to make wiser connections that are healthy. Acknowledging your short comings & behavioral patterns will be the savior in not allowing these people to keep entering your life.  You will start to see a clearer picture of the type of relationship you desire and really deserve.

Your self-worth is the key to your happiness.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com.twobeavers