In the video above Dear Sybersue answers a question from a woman on her advice column who is secretly seeing her best friends Ex husband! She wants to know what she should do and how she should handle it!
It’s maybe a bit late to feel guilty about it now don’t you think???
Dealing with a breakup of a marriage or long term relationship will always be a very hurtful time but it doesn’t mean you are a failure or your life is over. There are thousands of people in the same situation but the good news is; there is someone special out there for you when you are ready to receive them. The most important thing to remember is we all deserve real love in our lives but we have to allow it into our lives! Life is definitely complicated and we are all here on this continual learning curve about who we are and what really makes us happy.
What makes so many of us choose the wrong person?
Sometimes this happens when we are young and naive; or we settle for someone we don’t really love. We may talk ourselves into a relationship due our ticking biological clocks and having children, the pressure from our family and friends or we just get caught up in the romantic or sexual nature of it all without making sure the relationship is a really good fit. A “forever” partnership is not an easy thing to maintain for the average couple as we are all evolving at different stages in our lives. Unless we grow in similar directions, this will be a big problem for many people.
5 tell tale indicators that your marriage/relationship is over:
- You’ve lost that loving feeling ~ you no longer look forward to coming home and find reasons not to.
- You feel constant anxiety in their presence ~ whether it be from fear/abusive situations, extreme boredom or loss of respect for them.
- There is no sexual attraction at all & in some cases you may even feel repulsed by the thought of it.
- You both have absolutely nothing in common ~ you have grown in completely different directions.
- You’ve tried counselling and even they give you a business card for a divorce lawyer!
So now what do you do? What will everyone say and how do you deal with the aftermath?
People talk and love a good story so don’t give them one. It is sad but true how others get enjoyment out of someone else’s misery! Be careful not to allow those people to get too close to you at this vulnerable time. You are fragile enough without having to deal with all the gossip and judgmental comments from them as well. This is your life and no one should be talking about your business but you & your Ex; especially if there are children involved. It is easy to vent to anyone who will listen but it really is in your best interest to only divulge things to a trusted friend or family member. You don’t need the added drama.
Isn’t it easier just to stay in this relationship rather to have to fight to get out of it?
Nothing is easier when it is unhealthy. Everyone deserves to be happy and have a loving partnership. Many people stay in relationships due to the kids but don’t fool yourself into thinking this is always the best scenario. Children are sponges and pick up on a lot more than you may realize. If they see a loveless marriage for most of their lives it can cause problems in their own relationships down the road. Money is another big reason for many couples to stay together but you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it in the long run to be tied to someone for only that reason. You are holding on to one aspect and giving up so many other qualities of life. It’s not all about the big house or fancy car; reciprocated love and great sex is worth way more than any material item.
Author & divorce coach Debbie Burgin discusses her book “The Joy of Ex” which is based on “dealing with the trials & tribulations of divorce”. She shares her expertise with Talk Show Host Susan McCord on how to find yourself & start over with wonderful new beginnings on a different life path.
Life has different cycles that we all go through which changes how we think & perceive our choices. In the past, couples stayed together because it was the norm! You made your bed so now you literally had to lie in it. This is not the case anymore with many men & women in successful careers & not as dependent on one another ~ marriage is on much more of an even footing today. The persona of 50’s housewife June Clever is becoming less & less who women want to portray. While it can be wonderful not to have to work while raising our children, there is a sense of self worth for women to be able to have a life outside the home as well.
When a marriage dissolves & becomes an everyday burden, you have many choices on how to handle it today. There are many more counseling options, numerous relationship books & videos, divorce groups & the divorce or separation laws are much more user friendly & fair to both sexes. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship anymore. Teaching your children how to move on from an unhappy situation is much better than pretending to be in a blissful family situation. Don’t underestimate the intelligence of your kids regardless of their age. (Body language is a dead give away.)
We all have great intentions of making our relationships work when we say “I Do” ~ We don’t go into a marriage knowing we will only be together for limited time. Take what you can from the memories or your time together & enjoy them. There were many reasons you fell in love & made a commitment but now life has new plans for you. Remember the Quote; “People come into your life for a Reason, Season Or a Lifetime.” Knowing when to let go is part of maturity & self respect. It is a growth that we never stop learning from. When deciding on whether you are ready to move on, make sure you have exhausted all your options to making your marriage work & if you are ready to start a new life, divorce can be a good thing.
Susan McCord http://www.interviewtalkshow.com
Debbie Burgin http://www.thejoyofex.net