HELP! My Life is Crazy & My Sex Life Is Non-Existent In My Marriage!

HELP! My Life is Crazy & My Sex Life Is Non-Existent In My Marriage!

Dear Sybersue:

I live a very full & pretty decent life for the most part. I have two children, a dog and a great partner whom I still love after 10 years. His job is demanding & I work 5 days a week myself. I am also putting in time to develop my own business on the side to help with our heavy mortgage.

Needless to say juggling it all and still having a busy social schedule is a challenge as I am sure it is for many people out there. My sex-life is non-existent at the moment & my passion for it is a little depleted due to the lack of physical connection my husband and I share.

Even though I seem to be managing my crazy life, I have to admit I feel tired & stressed out all the time these days!

I do not take care of myself in the way I should due to time restrictions with work, & the children’s activities. I do not feel nearly as sexy or attractive as I used to in my single days. I don’t have time to be the feminine hot woman of my past existence anymore.

I don’t even know what a girl’s night out is these days! My friends seem to have given up on me because I have so little time for them. I don’t blame them.

Every so often I get very depressed and do not want to see or talk to anyone which makes it even worse. I feel overwhelmed ~ Any ideas to help??

From The Suburban Housewife

ANSWER

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I Married a Mountain Man but I’m a City Girl!

I Married a Mountain Man but I’m a City Girl!

Dear Sybersue does something a little out of the box today and talks about her own relationship.

How do you make a partnership work when you both enjoy different activities? When one of you is more extroverted than the other? Opposites attract but seldom stay together; so… can you compromise as a couple?

To maintain happiness in any relationship both people in the partnership need to make a continual effort and make each other a priority. That doesn’t mean you are together 24/7 or that you put your passions on the back burner; it means that your communication with them is reciprocated and respected.

You find a healthy way to be there for each other & make time for your own needs as well.

When we give up too much of ourselves while in a committed relationship that is the beginning of a downward spiral for many couples. Resentment then starts to play a big part in your everyday existence. This is one of the main reasons some people are opposed to being in a long term commitment! They feel trapped but it doesn’t have to be that way.

You don’t have to become another breakup statistic if you are really paying attention & listening to your partner. Do you really want to live with someone exactly like you??? Wouldn’t that be boring?

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You obviously don’t want to be at complete opposite ends of the spectrum but having a few interests that differ from your partner is a good thing. It’s healthy and gives you a freedom that many people lose when they become a couple.

When you grow together & keep trying new things, the diversity will be the key to a long & happy union. Embrace the differences that you both bring to the relationship! Who knows, you may try something new and actually enjoy it!

Susan McCord @ facebook/dearsybersue
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Dear Sybersue ~ I have been Dating my Boyfriend for 4 years and Still no Wedding Ring! What Gives?

 

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Dear Sybersue,

Am I ever going to get married?

I am usually a very patient woman but I am starting to get very frustrated with my ongoing situation with my boyfriend Andrew, of almost 4 years! I am 32 and he is 38 years old. I love him very much and feel that I have invested more than enough time to prove that to him.

I have never given him an ultimatum or pressured him into marriage. We have been living together for 3 years and get along really well. We seldom argue and have a lot in common. People always tell us what a fantastic couple we make! We discussed marriage just before we moved in together and at that time Andrew said he definitely wanted to tie the knot one day.  Sadly, there has been no conversation regarding any future plans since that time. I didn’t think that “one day” could mean 10 years!

Should I give him an ultimatum like many of my friends are suggesting?

Getting Pissed Off, Patti

Dear GPO Patti,

Thanks so much for writing and you can bet there are a lot of other ladies in the same boat asking this exact question!

This seems to be a common complaint from many women who are in their 30’s. What I honestly don’t understand is why men choose to live with a woman if they are not interested in marriage knowing their partner wants that commitment.  The two year mark of a relationship seems to be the deciding factor of whether a couple will be a writing those marriage vows or not. Being together for 4 years is a long time without much of a discussion about your future. Due to the fact that marriage had been talked about in the first year of your partnership, I can understand why you might now be a touch “pissed off.”

In answer to your question; personally, I do not believe in ultimatums at all. Why would anyone want to “pressure” their partner into making a decision like this? I have always said that if a couple wants and is meant to be together, there are no big questions. Things flow without a lot of drama and you are on the same page within your partnership expectations.

I would sit Andrew down one evening in the very near future and ask him directly if he is still interested in getting married. Don’t give him any pressure or attitude with your question, or with how he answers you. You will know by his response if there is any “real” interest on his part. If you are not happy with his answer at that time, start to make a plan with how you are going to proceed with your relationship. Knowing the truth will give you some clarity so that you can move on, or stay and be content with your common law arrangement.   Not everyone has to get married but it seems important to you since you are writing to me about it.

Some men think that if they mention marriage once in a conversation, this will keep his lady happy for quite awhile.  Sometimes they just need a gentle reminder as women seem to be more of the wedding advocate.  In your case it may just be due to the fact that you haven’t brought up the question in 3 years and Andrew is happy with your partnership & already feels committed. The only way you will know where you truly stand, is by asking him how he feels and by you telling him what is important to you.

Please make sure it is well thought out before you make any major decisions, as it sounds like you have a wonderful & loving relationship with or without a marriage commitment!

Please let me know how things turn out for you. 🙂

Sybersue

 

Relationship Advice : Marriage The Second Time Around

My Surprise Wedding August 4 2007 with My Son Walking Me Down The Aisle

With this Blog Post today I wanted to share something on a personal note. I usually write in a general context regarding the questions from my viewers & talk show subscribers & leave “my life” out of the equation.  One of the reasons I started my talk show was due to the long “learning curve” I took to “get it right” in the single’s market. I also slowly realized what signals I was sending out as well.  I always joked that my dates were so varied it was like a Benetton Commercial with all the colors of the world uniting!  But I still often found the initial chemistry lacking or intensely dramatic, so it seldom worked out.  As I matured & changed my priorities, I was surprised at how wonderful & stress free life could be in a drama free relationship! Who knew???

My blogs are written to try to help others with life’s trials & tribulations (or share others stories) not to talk about my personal happenings on a regular basis…but saying that, I wanted to share this with you all because of how grateful I am to have been given this amazing “gift of love” in the second part of my life.

August 4th is my Birthday & my 5th Year Wedding Anniversary which I will be celebrating in style as I do every year.  I use the word celebrate in the highest regard because I am so fortunate to have met such an incredible man that brings so much joy into my life ~ everyday with him is worth celebrating. I am so blessed to have met him & thank my “Angels” every day for bringing him to me.  I still remember the faces of 130 guests & family when my birthday changed into a wedding 2 hours after everyone arrived. What an incredible memory ~ I can still hear the screams.

Who is this man & what is so special about him?

  • He embraces me and everything I do without judgment
  • He loves my son & accepted him from day one
  • He loves my strength & encourages me to be even more of who I am
  • He puts me first even when it comes to his career
  • He stands up for me
  • He listens
  • He is a “NICE” guy (Why do so many women want the Christian Grey “50 Shades of Grey” Bad boy??)
  • He is not afraid to express his feelings or communicate about everything
  • He is a strong man without being macho or egotistical
  • He is confident & comfortable in his own skin

The lesson I learned when I met my husband was a big one.  I always felt there had to be instant sexual chemistry when I dated someone. I never believed I could fall in love with someone who I initially only categorized in the “friendship mode” but I learned how wrong I could be in that respect. I never spent much time trying to change a guy ~ if the heart or loin pangs weren’t there right away I didn’t waste time trying to find them. He was a mountain man & I was a city girl how could we ever connect? Ice camping & hanging off a rock suspended by ropes & other Fear Factor scenarios, just wasn’t my idea of a fun relationship back then!

As a friend of my brother’s for many years, I had heard much about Bruce (my husband) but never met him until one day when he knocked on my front door. He was looking for my brother, who was staying with me temporarily. I used to joke with my girlfriends about getting out & meeting guys because they weren’t going to come & knock on your front door! (Unless you wanted the Fed Ex guy!)

Upon our initial meeting, we became friends.  Bruce was dealing with his own divorce from his first marriage and was very green in the single’s arena. He never showed it & always seemed confident & well composed! He was a very curious man & never afraid to ask questions & offer topic suggestions for my Podcast Radio Show at the time.  (I think he wanted to know the answers himself.)

I helped him shop for clothing (to help attract the ladies) while he asked me questions that could help him try to understand the complicated single female he had not been exposed to for so long as a married man. We also shared stories of “dates gone bad,” mostly on my side lol.  This continued  for about 4 months. It was an unconditional friendship that blossomed into something more than I ever would have fathomed. I was still stuck in my “chemistry 1st” law of attraction phase & didn’t see the writing on the wall. He literally had to etch it into my attention by throwing me over his shoulder at my birthday party 6 years ago & carrying me down the stairs at the restaurant. (Talk about caveman style ~ I have always said to women that men still want to bring home the buffalo regardless of how times have changed, that definitely proved my point!)

I literally “woke up” that night & have never looked back!  I am so happy to have met a man that was patient and thought I was worth the wait (& challenge) of having a future with me.  He took his time & played the best game of poker I have ever seen.  He told me he knew exactly what he was doing.  He surprised me at 35,000 ft and proposed to me in the Business Class Galley with the crew all around me.  The ground staff & crew had to help sneak him on the airplane on my return trip home from Honolulu. Can you believe he flew there & back in one day to ask me to marry him? I finally said yes as the shock wore off when he popped out of nowhere on one of my last trips as a flight attendant. I still can’t believe he got by my detective antennas without me seeing him until after takeoff.

Today everything is wonderful & keeps getting better & better ~ if there is such a thing.  Bruce still rock climbs occasionally but has changed his ice camping to using airline passes for travel. (“Marry me, fly for free” lol.)  We do many things together & are quite a bit more alike than I originally thought. We learned how to compromise which has made our relationship grow more each year.  There is never a dull moment because we are always trying & learning new things.

The lesson to be learned for both sexes is not to be too judgmental when dating someone. Look beyond your checklist and see who the “real” person is before you. We all have good qualities every one of us, so take your time to see the good in people before your turf them off your iphone contact list.

If you have a great romantic story I would love to hear from you. There are some great connections made out there & we need to keep the positive alive to help people understand & believe they can have a loving relationship regardless of each passing birthday.

You are never too old to find love.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers