marriage

HELP! My Life is Crazy & My Sex Life Is Non-Existent In My Marriage!
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HELP! My Life is Crazy & My Sex Life Is Non-Existent In My Marriage!

Dear Sybersue:

I live a very full & pretty decent life for the most part. I have two children, a dog and a great partner whom I still love after 10 years. His job is demanding & I work 5 days a week myself. I am also putting in time to develop my own business on the side to help with our heavy mortgage.

Needless to say juggling it all and still having a busy social schedule is a challenge as I am sure it is for many people out there. My sex-life is non-existent at the moment & my passion for it is a little depleted due to the lack of physical connection my husband and I share.

Even though I seem to be managing my crazy life, I have to admit I feel tired & stressed out all the time these days!

I do not take care of myself in the way I should due to time restrictions with work, & the children’s activities. I do not feel nearly as sexy or attractive as I used to in my single days. I don’t have time to be the feminine hot woman of my past existence anymore.

I don’t even know what a girl’s night out is these days! My friends seem to have given up on me because I have so little time for them. I don’t blame them.

Every so often I get very depressed and do not want to see or talk to anyone which makes it even worse. I feel overwhelmed ~ Any ideas to help??

From The Suburban Housewife

ANSWER

Hi S.H. & thanks for writing,

First of all I truly do suggest that you talk to a professional therapist. The minute there is depression involved, you should have a qualified resource to get the best help available.

In the meantime here are a few things to think about.

Like many working mothers today, we are all doing too much for everyone else and giving ourselves the leftovers! This pretty much amounts to 15 minutes of quality “Me” time in a 24 hour period.

  1. I would advise you to write out a strict weekly schedule that allows time for you away from any responsibilities.
  2. This needs to include at least one hour per day that is solely for you. No one can bother you with anything, no exceptions.
  3. Whether it is sitting in a bubble bath, going to a counseling session, a yoga class, having a friend over, or reading a sexy novel, it is all about “YOU” for that time frame.
  4. You need to let go of the guilt of not doing something constructive at every moment of your day.
  5. Lighten up the kids activity load. Parents sign up their children for so many things today which isn’t healthy for anyone.
  6. Hire an intern to help you with your future business plan or limit yourself to a few hours per week to focus on this project.
  7. Be particular about which social events you attend. You can’t do it all!

You didn’t say how much your husband helped out around the home but be honest with yourself on whether you feel there is equality in that respect. If you are both working, you both should be participating 50/50 in your partnership in every area. More often than not, women do take on more at home because they are nurturers from birth. (Thanks to being given the womb!) Ask for help.

The children need to have daily chores, or if they are too young right now, hire a neighborhood kid to walk the dog after you get home from work, to mow the lawn, or get your groceries, dry cleaning or light housework. It will be worth the money for the time and stress you save.

Now, how to feel sexy again:

Your man should help out with this one until you get back those sexual urges. He has to desire you and tell you he does. Soft kisses and hugs outside bedroom will slowly get you both back on a sensual path. You need a gentle push to get you in the mood after a long day and it is important to communicate this to each other before too many months go by and you are living in a platonic relationship.

Does your husband want sex regularly or has he also lost interest? If he is too aggressive this can turn you off or if he is not pursuing an intimate relationship with you, this could be why you don’t feel as sexual these days.

Sometimes women don’t see that, and think it is always just their problem. It usually is a two way street, because both people are too busy to make sex a priority. Sex can be the biggest deal breaker in a relationship so it is imperative to get a handle on it ASAP. (Never give each other an excuse to go out and find it somewhere else.)

Making yourself feel sexy with lingerie, a little makeup or having  a pedicure can help put a spring back in your step. When you look good you really do feel good. Make an effort on a daily basis to spruce yourself up. It takes 10 sec to apply lipstick or brush your hair into a nice style. ❤

Have sex once per week to start out. No excuses! You both need to make this happen regardless of how busy you are. Date nights are important! It doesn’t have to be a 2 hour session; sometimes 20 minutes of intimacy is all you need to feel close again.

Put any social life on hold until you get the sex back in your relationship. Sometimes all it takes is a few romantic orgasmic sessions to get you back to being the tigress you once were!

Let me know you make out…literally.

xo Sybersue

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I Married a Mountain Man but I’m a City Girl!
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I Married a Mountain Man but I’m a City Girl!

Dear Sybersue does something a little out of the box today and talks about her own relationship.

How do you make a partnership work when you both enjoy different activities? When one of you is more extroverted than the other? Opposites attract but seldom stay together; so… can you compromise as a couple?

To maintain happiness in any relationship both people in the partnership need to make a continual effort and make each other a priority. That doesn’t mean you are together 24/7 or that you put your passions on the back burner; it means that your communication with them is reciprocated and respected.

You find a healthy way to be there for each other & make time for your own needs as well.

When we give up too much of ourselves while in a committed relationship that is the beginning of a downward spiral for many couples. Resentment then starts to play a big part in your everyday existence. This is one of the main reasons some people are opposed to being in a long term commitment! They feel trapped but it doesn’t have to be that way.

You don’t have to become another breakup statistic if you are really paying attention & listening to your partner. Do you really want to live with someone exactly like you??? Wouldn’t that be boring?

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You obviously don’t want to be at complete opposite ends of the spectrum but having a few interests that differ from your partner is a good thing. It’s healthy and gives you a freedom that many people lose when they become a couple.

When you grow together & keep trying new things, the diversity will be the key to a long & happy union. Embrace the differences that you both bring to the relationship! Who knows, you may try something new and actually enjoy it!

Susan McCord @ facebook/dearsybersue
Dear Sybersue Blogs & Advice Column
Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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Relationships: How do you Know if your Partner is your Soulmate?

How do you know if you have met “the one” person you want to share your life with? Is there such a thing as a Soulmate?

Whether you believe in that or not doesn’t mean you can’t meet the love of your life and have a wonderful fulfilling relationship.  Many men and women don’t really know what they are looking for in a partner and end up settling due to biological baby clocks, age or family pressure.

It is important to have some expectations and boundaries without being too picky or so critical that you bypass every potential partnership. You want to meet someone who you have things in common with but who also has a desire to “grow together” as your relationship progresses.

You want a lover and a best friend who understands the importance of communicating and nurturing the love between you both on a full time basis. There is no room for laziness or complacency.

The video above discusses some of  the soulmate signs that really stand out. Please comment below and let me know your thoughts about this topic.

Have you met the one and what was important to you in a partnership?

Susan McCord – facebook.com/dearsybersue
Dear Sybersue Talk Show YouTube

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Sex,Careers,Viagra,Libido, Marriage & Relationships in the Millennium

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Marriage

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Marriage

Married/committed couples & singles are re-shaping their lives in all areas; regardless of approaching milestone birthdays. “Forty is the new thirty” and people finally understand they don’t have to give into the stereotyping of certain age groups. They are re-evaluating their options from careers to relationships and making the necessary changes. This can have a scary impact on many relationships out there!

Gone are the days where many people stayed in an unhealthy scenario!

Wedding vows today are broken way too often and no longer sacred with the intent that the couple will be together forever.

With the divorce rate on the incline some couples are getting nervous about becoming the next ones who will be walking this statistical plank! It doesn’t help that we have access to so many social media stories and reality TV shows that emphasize just how bad the statistics really are!

What can we do about it to change this trending dilemma?

Couples need to understand that when you are married or monogamously committed and no longer out in the dating market, it is even MORE important to put continual effort into your communication skills, appearance and sex life!

Sex is a huge part of the relationship glue and if it is ignored for any length of time it can be the end of the special “pheromone bond” you once shared and could be the demise of your partnership.

How often have you heard people complaining that after they got married and the honeymoon “time frame” ended that sex became less frequent and mundane? There is no playful forbidden fruit, spontaneous rendezvous or the excitement that a sexual partner brings in the early stages of a new relationship. We are all on our best sexual behavior!

Why does that have to dramatically change so that romance & sex becomes somewhat repetitive and in some cases almost non-existent?

Being romantically creative in your marriage or committed partnership will keep the fires burning a lot longer and turn vanilla sex into a hot fudge sundae!

I have coached many women who had lost interest in sex due to the repetitive expectations of their partners and lack of enticing foreplay. Once they finally communicated their concerns openly and discussed how it was ruining their relationship, things started to heat up and change for the better under those 300 thread count sheets; because the men listened.

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Why are so Many Couples Separating Later in Life?

The popular 50’s Marilyn Monroe movie “The 7 Year Itch” seems to have been replaced by 20th Anniversary marriage break-ups in the millennium today. There are more and more people newly single in their late 40’s and 50’s than ever before!

In the days of our grandparents, people stayed together because of financial limitations and old school traditions. Today things have changed and both sexes have careers and are now on a more equal footing and don’t feel as trapped. It is more common to see couples both working due to economic struggles of mortgages and child expenses. It is hard to bring up a family on one salary in the millennium!

Unfortunately the everyday life stresses cause many couples to split up within the first 5 years of marriage but there are still many unhappy people that wait until the children are out of high school or have moved out of the family home before they end their relationships.

At least now there are more support groups and resources to help them move on regardless of what age they decide to do so.

The new 40 is not considered old anymore and many people are starting the second half of their life with an excited vision which sometimes includes a new partner.

Life offers many temptations today and people have to work harder to keep their relationships strong.

Many women are now dating younger men and it is not just the husbands leaving the marital home for a younger person anymore.

Here are a few tips to think about keeping sex alive in your marriage or long term commitment:

• Sex should be happening a few times per week or on a schedule that works for both of you.

• Don’t be afraid to gently communicate any sexual concerns to your partner. Couples that talk openly keep a stronger connection for many years to come.

• Sex should be initiated by both sexes!

• Sex may have to be planned or 3 weeks could go by with being too busy. Never be too busy to make love to your partner by making constant excuses.

• Married life can be very hectic with kids and careers so make date nights, mark them on the calendar and follow through with them.

• Both people in the partnership need to keep up their fitness levels. It not only makes you feel and look good; it puts a confident spring in your step towards the bedroom.

• Dress sexy even at home ~ no unattractive sweatpants! You want to keep them looking at you not someone else!

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• Ask for help from relative/neighbors or pay for a babysitter to take the kids out so you can have sex at home without worrying they can hear you!

• Never leave the house without a hug or kiss good-bye. Always acknowledge your partner.

• When your partner walks in the front door, drop what you are doing and always get up and greet them. They take priority!

• Kiss your spouse passionately once every day like you did when you first met them; its great foreplay. (None of this peck on the cheek stuff!)

• Bring home little sex treats ~ lingerie, whipped cream, toys from the love shop or whatever you think they might like. Spicing things up in the bedroom isn’t just about changing positions.

• Always let your partner know you are attracted to them!

It is very important to practice these things often, especially as a long term relationship progresses. We all have to deal with many changes as we get a little older, so being aware that your love-life needs to be nurtured is half the battle of maintaining a healthy long lasting sex life.

Men have always had the pressure of having to perform in the bedroom which can be very difficult as the years go by; especially with added family and career stress. Viagra was approved by the FDA in 1998 and has helped many men through the tough times ever since!

Unfortunately this has put many couples into an unbalanced sexual situation, as men are ready willing and able to go as soon as they pop that little blue pill.

Viagra can be intimidating to many women, because they feel like they have to be ready to perform continually. It is a wise idea to let your wife know when you decide to take Viagra. Never assume it is a good time. (Blue balls are not pleasant at any age.)

Don’t despair though ladies because there is some good news for you now too!

As of August 2015, there is now hope for women with a new libido enhancer called Fibanserin! (trade name Addyi) It isn’t quite as powerful as the little blue pill just yet and like Viagra there are some side effects that need to be adhered to.

Hopefully once the kinks are ironed out, this “female Viagra” will eventually even out the sexual playground & help those women who are frustrated with their slowing sex drive.

Many women go through hormone changes after age 45 and it can be tough to feel sexual. Ladies; it is a good idea to get a saliva test to get an accurate reading of what is going on with your estrogen, progesterone and testosterone hormone levels.

This can help alleviate ongoing problems and help to keep you sexually stimulated once you know how to get help with balancing these physical changes.

Communication is the foundation to any successful marriage.

Learning how to talk with your spouse from day one, will keep you emotionally close. When you have respect for each other, have continual communication, and don’t ignore each others concerns, your sex-life will never fall too far behind to cause marital problems; because you are dealing with smaller issues before they become irreconcilable differences!

There will always be little glitches in your job, with your children and life in general, so it is important to understand that your partnership will have them too. Many couples make their relationship commitment the 3rd or 4th priority due to taking each other for granted that they will always be there.

Marriage and any long term relationship for that matter will always have ups and downs (pun intended) but with a little effort and conscious behavioral practice, you and your spouse can happily stay on the other side of the divorce statistics.

Love is like a full time job but well worth the time invested.

Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue Talk Show

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Dear Sybersue ~ I have been Dating my Boyfriend for 4 years and Still no Wedding Ring! What Gives?

 

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Dear Sybersue,

Am I ever going to get married?

I am usually a very patient woman but I am starting to get very frustrated with my ongoing situation with my boyfriend Andrew, of almost 4 years! I am 32 and he is 38 years old. I love him very much and feel that I have invested more than enough time to prove that to him.

I have never given him an ultimatum or pressured him into marriage. We have been living together for 3 years and get along really well. We seldom argue and have a lot in common. People always tell us what a fantastic couple we make! We discussed marriage just before we moved in together and at that time Andrew said he definitely wanted to tie the knot one day.  Sadly, there has been no conversation regarding any future plans since that time. I didn’t think that “one day” could mean 10 years!

Should I give him an ultimatum like many of my friends are suggesting?

Getting Pissed Off, Patti

Dear GPO Patti,

Thanks so much for writing and you can bet there are a lot of other ladies in the same boat asking this exact question!

This seems to be a common complaint from many women who are in their 30’s. What I honestly don’t understand is why men choose to live with a woman if they are not interested in marriage knowing their partner wants that commitment.  The two year mark of a relationship seems to be the deciding factor of whether a couple will be a writing those marriage vows or not. Being together for 4 years is a long time without much of a discussion about your future. Due to the fact that marriage had been talked about in the first year of your partnership, I can understand why you might now be a touch “pissed off.”

In answer to your question; personally, I do not believe in ultimatums at all. Why would anyone want to “pressure” their partner into making a decision like this? I have always said that if a couple wants and is meant to be together, there are no big questions. Things flow without a lot of drama and you are on the same page within your partnership expectations.

I would sit Andrew down one evening in the very near future and ask him directly if he is still interested in getting married. Don’t give him any pressure or attitude with your question, or with how he answers you. You will know by his response if there is any “real” interest on his part. If you are not happy with his answer at that time, start to make a plan with how you are going to proceed with your relationship. Knowing the truth will give you some clarity so that you can move on, or stay and be content with your common law arrangement.   Not everyone has to get married but it seems important to you since you are writing to me about it.

Some men think that if they mention marriage once in a conversation, this will keep his lady happy for quite awhile.  Sometimes they just need a gentle reminder as women seem to be more of the wedding advocate.  In your case it may just be due to the fact that you haven’t brought up the question in 3 years and Andrew is happy with your partnership & already feels committed. The only way you will know where you truly stand, is by asking him how he feels and by you telling him what is important to you.

Please make sure it is well thought out before you make any major decisions, as it sounds like you have a wonderful & loving relationship with or without a marriage commitment!

Please let me know how things turn out for you. 🙂

Sybersue

 

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Relationship Advice : Marriage The Second Time Around

My Surprise Wedding August 4 2007 with My Son Walking Me Down The Aisle

With this Blog Post today I wanted to share something on a personal note. I usually write in a general context regarding the questions from my viewers & talk show subscribers & leave “my life” out of the equation.  One of the reasons I started my talk show was due to the long “learning curve” I took to “get it right” in the single’s market. I also slowly realized what signals I was sending out as well.  I always joked that my dates were so varied it was like a Benetton Commercial with all the colors of the world uniting!  But I still often found the initial chemistry lacking or intensely dramatic, so it seldom worked out.  As I matured & changed my priorities, I was surprised at how wonderful & stress free life could be in a drama free relationship! Who knew???

My blogs are written to try to help others with life’s trials & tribulations (or share others stories) not to talk about my personal happenings on a regular basis…but saying that, I wanted to share this with you all because of how grateful I am to have been given this amazing “gift of love” in the second part of my life.

August 4th is my Birthday & my 5th Year Wedding Anniversary which I will be celebrating in style as I do every year.  I use the word celebrate in the highest regard because I am so fortunate to have met such an incredible man that brings so much joy into my life ~ everyday with him is worth celebrating. I am so blessed to have met him & thank my “Angels” every day for bringing him to me.  I still remember the faces of 130 guests & family when my birthday changed into a wedding 2 hours after everyone arrived. What an incredible memory ~ I can still hear the screams.

Who is this man & what is so special about him?

  • He embraces me and everything I do without judgment
  • He loves my son & accepted him from day one
  • He loves my strength & encourages me to be even more of who I am
  • He puts me first even when it comes to his career
  • He stands up for me
  • He listens
  • He is a “NICE” guy (Why do so many women want the Christian Grey “50 Shades of Grey” Bad boy??)
  • He is not afraid to express his feelings or communicate about everything
  • He is a strong man without being macho or egotistical
  • He is confident & comfortable in his own skin

The lesson I learned when I met my husband was a big one.  I always felt there had to be instant sexual chemistry when I dated someone. I never believed I could fall in love with someone who I initially only categorized in the “friendship mode” but I learned how wrong I could be in that respect. I never spent much time trying to change a guy ~ if the heart or loin pangs weren’t there right away I didn’t waste time trying to find them. He was a mountain man & I was a city girl how could we ever connect? Ice camping & hanging off a rock suspended by ropes & other Fear Factor scenarios, just wasn’t my idea of a fun relationship back then!

As a friend of my brother’s for many years, I had heard much about Bruce (my husband) but never met him until one day when he knocked on my front door. He was looking for my brother, who was staying with me temporarily. I used to joke with my girlfriends about getting out & meeting guys because they weren’t going to come & knock on your front door! (Unless you wanted the Fed Ex guy!)

Upon our initial meeting, we became friends.  Bruce was dealing with his own divorce from his first marriage and was very green in the single’s arena. He never showed it & always seemed confident & well composed! He was a very curious man & never afraid to ask questions & offer topic suggestions for my Podcast Radio Show at the time.  (I think he wanted to know the answers himself.)

I helped him shop for clothing (to help attract the ladies) while he asked me questions that could help him try to understand the complicated single female he had not been exposed to for so long as a married man. We also shared stories of “dates gone bad,” mostly on my side lol.  This continued  for about 4 months. It was an unconditional friendship that blossomed into something more than I ever would have fathomed. I was still stuck in my “chemistry 1st” law of attraction phase & didn’t see the writing on the wall. He literally had to etch it into my attention by throwing me over his shoulder at my birthday party 6 years ago & carrying me down the stairs at the restaurant. (Talk about caveman style ~ I have always said to women that men still want to bring home the buffalo regardless of how times have changed, that definitely proved my point!)

I literally “woke up” that night & have never looked back!  I am so happy to have met a man that was patient and thought I was worth the wait (& challenge) of having a future with me.  He took his time & played the best game of poker I have ever seen.  He told me he knew exactly what he was doing.  He surprised me at 35,000 ft and proposed to me in the Business Class Galley with the crew all around me.  The ground staff & crew had to help sneak him on the airplane on my return trip home from Honolulu. Can you believe he flew there & back in one day to ask me to marry him? I finally said yes as the shock wore off when he popped out of nowhere on one of my last trips as a flight attendant. I still can’t believe he got by my detective antennas without me seeing him until after takeoff.

Today everything is wonderful & keeps getting better & better ~ if there is such a thing.  Bruce still rock climbs occasionally but has changed his ice camping to using airline passes for travel. (“Marry me, fly for free” lol.)  We do many things together & are quite a bit more alike than I originally thought. We learned how to compromise which has made our relationship grow more each year.  There is never a dull moment because we are always trying & learning new things.

The lesson to be learned for both sexes is not to be too judgmental when dating someone. Look beyond your checklist and see who the “real” person is before you. We all have good qualities every one of us, so take your time to see the good in people before your turf them off your iphone contact list.

If you have a great romantic story I would love to hear from you. There are some great connections made out there & we need to keep the positive alive to help people understand & believe they can have a loving relationship regardless of each passing birthday.

You are never too old to find love.

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers