My Ex has Moved on with Someone else-Why do I still miss them?

Today Dear Sybersue discusses why some men and women still have feelings for an EX that has already moved on to another relationship. Why is it even harder to get over them after they replace you with a new partner?

You were doing OK but now the heartbreak is worse because they are starting their new life without you in it!

Did you make a mistake? Should you try to get back together? ?   Or are just feeling insecure because they are happy, while you are still in the throws of sadness from your breakup?

Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/c/susanmccord
Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/DearSybersue

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Dear Sybersue: My Boyfriend Vanished after 10 months but 1 Year Later he wants to Come Back!

Dear Sybersue: My Boyfriend Vanished after 10 months but 1 Year Later he wants to Come Back!

Can Love Blossom the Second Time Around

Can Love Blossom the Second Time Around

My Boyfriend Vanished after 10 months but 1 Year Later he Wants to Come Back.

Dear Sybersue,

I was dating this 36 year old guy for 10 months and instead of telling me he wanted to break-up he just stopped contacting me all together! He told me he loved me all the time and although we weren’t living with each other, we spent 4-5 days a week together.

There were no hints or red flags that he was unhappy, he just vanished without a word. I was heart-broken and when I tried calling him he did not return any of my calls or texts.  He actually ended up blocking my number!  It has been 1 year since he walked away and he has now apologized and told me he wants to get back together again.  There wasn’t much substance to his apology and he just basically said he felt differently after about 6 months into our relationship and wanted out.

He says he misses me but he is not ready for any big commitment right away but wants to see how things go.

What do you think, should I let him back in?

Caroline

Dear Caroline,

This guy sounds flakey to me. If a relationship is on the right path why would anyone need to remove themselves from someone they love? I am glad to hear he apologized but he seems to lack sincerity with his words and actions and I am not sure he understands how all of this has affected you. He came back calling all the shots and already threw out the “not ready for any big commitment” comment so he doesn’t sound anymore ready to be in a permanent relationship than he was the first time. He is 36 years old and should have handled this whole thing with more respect and maturity towards you. That is what you should really think about here.

There are also many questions you need to ask yourself Caroline:

  • Why did he feel the need to block your calls rather than discuss the reason he left?
  • What took him a year to come back and what made him come back?
  • What did he do in that year while he was away from you?
  • Did he leave you for another person?
  • Do you really love him and could you trust him again?
  • Was he faithful to you while he was with you?

You were finally moving on emotionally and he walks back in tugging on your heartstrings. I can see why you would be confused because you did not have any closure or explanation as to why he just pulled away and left.  I am not an advocate of on & off again partnerships, but occasionally (and I use the word lightly) there is a valid reason why someone walked away & they deserve a second chance. You know in your heart if he is there for the right reasons. Listen to your instincts because they are seldom wrong. Many people choose to ignore their spidey senses because they want to believe something is there when it really isn’t. If we all listened to our gut whenever we felt that nagging twinge, we would have so much less heartache throughout our lives.

Remember that when a relationship is right, it isn’t that difficult and there are very few questions. Putting in too much time with the wrong person can take away time from meeting the right person. He didn’t really seem to have a valid reason for leaving a year ago so what will prevent him from doing it again?  Remember the old saying “actions speak louder than words” which may be something to think about in your situation. His actions were pretty clear! You deserve real love in your life, always believe that.

Keep me posted & thank you for writing!

Sybersue ❤    Please check out Dear Sybersue Talk Show

Dear Sybersue:  Dating a Friend’s Ex is NOT OK!

Getting Past the Heartbreak

Getting Past the Heartbreak

Dear Sybersue:

I feel that dating a friend’s ex-boyfriend is wrong. I don’t care what excuses anyone makes. When a friend engages in a relationship with a friend’s ex-boyfriend, it’s being selfish from both the friend and ex-boyfriend’s end. I feel that when a friend and ex-boyfriend do this to a friend, they are not only selfish for thinking about their needs first and neglecting the fact that they put their friend in more pain and hurt by their actions, but they are also selfish in that they put their friend in the horrible and difficult situation on deciding whether or not she can forgive them. Any person of decency, respect, and consideration would never put their friend in this difficult position. To have to deal with the messy outcome and images of them engaging in a relationship behind the friend’s back. Friends don’t treat their friends this way. I would have never done this to any of my friends. I have never done that to any of my friends. I have integrity, a moral compass, etc. I’d rather be alone for years than to hurt my friend by engaging in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. When a friend does this to her friend – the ex-boyfriend is like shared goods. It’s like the special relationship I had with the ex-boyfriend is cheapened because he’s tossed around in relations with my friends and everybody is knowing what is going on. I don’t care how lonely you feel. I’ve been alone for a long time. Any friend who cares about their friend would have self control and not violate the friendship code by having a relationship with a friend’s ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. I have self control. I feel that these two close friends were very selfish and had no self control. They cared about themselves and didn’t care about the hurt and pain they have caused their friend. It just really gets to me that I’ve been grieving and mourning this entire year while they were having fun with each other behind my back while I was crying all this time this year. It’s so heartless, insensitive, selfish, disgusting, dishonorable, disrespectful, etc.

I’d rather be a Nun or Monk than to engage in a relationship with a friend’s ex-boyfriend. What they did, to me and many people’s eyes, was wrong. I hate that these close friends put me in the position where I have to be the one to forgive. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even go on the place where all three of us met. I feel that because of their actions and behavior, I have to be the one to give up that place for a long while even though I wasn’t the one who engaged in disrespectful, thoughtless, selfish, self satisfying behavior that they did behind my back. The ex-boyfriend was my close friend. That female friend was my close friend. What the heck am I supposed to do? What they did behind my back is more of a violation of trust than me venting online. My sister, friends, co-workers, etc. say that I’m a better person than these two friends, and that they see no wrong in me venting online because at least I’m being honest and real, and didn’t engage in bad or poor actions or behavior. My sister, co-workers, and friends hate that these close friends are trying to make me feel bad for venting online because those close friends were the ones who engaged in poor conduct, disrespectful behavior, hurtful actions. Don’t turn the tables around on me. They put me in this position of deep hurt & pain.

I have the right to vent. Don’t tell me how to feel. These are my honest feelings. I’m deeply hurt.I have the right to feel the way I feel. I’m deeply hurt by their actions. That’s why I feel like I have to give up the place where we all met for a long while, to give up going online for awhile because I’m in deep pain and hurt from what they did. These are my feelings, and the both of them shouldn’t tell me what to do or how to feel. They hurt me. They’re the ones who should feel bad, sorrowful, remorseful for what they did. Don’t try to shift or transfer any guilt on me. I didn’t do what they did. I shouldn’t have to feel bad because I wasn’t the one who did this to them. I hate that they did this. I hate that they put me in this position. I hate that they did this knowing that I’ve been in pain, crying, grieving all this year while they were having selfish fun at my pain and expense. I’m sorry. But I have the right to feel what I feel. All of my real life friends say that it’s going to take me a long time to heal from this. The both of these close friends have no right to tell me how I should react or feel in regards to what they did. They were in the wrong. Not me. The worst I have ever done is vent online or ask them directly why they did what they did. Anything I have ever done doesn’t even compare to what these two close friends did. It was very disrespectful to me. And I STILL feel this way. And I hate that I have to be the one to try to recover from all of this hurt, sadness, and pain these two close friends caused me. I hate that they put me in a position where the burden is on me to decide if I can forgive either of them. So my strong advice and recommendation is for friends to NEVER do this to their friends – have relations with a friend’s ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend UNLESS they ask their friends for permission BEFORE they engage in relations OUT OF RESPECT, class, thoughtfulness, consideration, AND decency for their friend and her feelings.

Thank you, Girl in Pain

 

Dear Girl in Pain:

I am sorry you are hurting and I can hear the deep pain in your words.  It is never a good thing to feel deceived especially by two people you loved & trusted.  Sadly this is a more common scenario than it should be and you are not alone is dealing with this situation ~ unfortunately many people have been in your shoes.  It is great that you are able to talk about it and not hold it all inside, but I have to be candid and say that you are giving them way too much power over your life!!

A year is a long time to be upset over their actions and you need to move away from anything that reminds you of them. You seem to know what they are doing & that they are happy together which means you must have some access to their social media, Facebook, hangouts or mutual friends. This is why it is even harder to get on with your life because it is constantly in your face.  The sooner you move away from these tormenting reminders, the faster you will heal and be able to move on to find a “better” love in your life. There is a lesson here somewhere but we don’t always see them right away when we are sad, angry or hurt.  By stepping away from certain people or things that keep this “relationship” in the forefront will help you to slowly get your heart back again.

Take a good look at what transpired and why you and your EX broke up.  You never said why? How long after did your Ex & your friend start a relationship together?  There was a reason you and your ex boyfriend broke up or you would still be together.  What was the main reason?  Maybe a part of you still has feelings for him and that is why this hurts you even more.  It can also be rejection overload and we all deal with that differently.  Rejection is not an easy thing to handle as the ego is crushed.

You don’t have to forgive anyone right now but you need to get yourself on a healthier path.  It’s time for a shake up in your life and some new diversions to take you in another direction.  “Hate” is a very strong word and this pain you are feeling is toxic and will make all parts of your life unbalanced.  You are worth so much more than that so don’t let their situation ruin your happiness.  Your friends want to see you happy so start showing them that side of you. It is difficult to be around friends who are hurting or angry as it plays a part in their life too.  Be the happy fun girl they all know and love and let those “year long demons” out of your thoughts.

Take back your power!!

Sybersue ❤